Bad Joke Thread | Jokes on you, these are great!

Kezzer wrote:MY version is better: Why don't you play cards in the savannah? Because of all the cheetahs.

But the lions will probably eat you before you have a chance to even deal the cards

Here's one I made up last week:

To promote vegetarianism, Paul McCartney did a survey of other musicians, asking them what their favourite salad vegetable is. Almost everyone said they preferred lettuce. Everyone except Elton John, because he's a rocket man.

SEP wrote:Here's one I made up last week:

To promote vegetarianism, Paul McCartney did a survey of other musicians, asking them what their favourite salad vegetable is. Almost everyone said they preferred lettuce. Everyone except Elton John, because he's a rocket man.

That's not really true as Fatboy Slim loves beets.

SEP wrote:Here's one I made up last week:

To promote vegetarianism, Paul McCartney did a survey of other musicians, asking them what their favourite salad vegetable is. Almost everyone said they preferred lettuce. Everyone except Elton John, because he's a rocket man.

What brand of shoe do the Autobots wear?

Vans

I don't actually have a joke that works in text form, but I do have two jokes for any of you that want to try them out in person on someone you know.

The first is an anti-joke that's super dumb and probably way worse than I think it is, but it's worked twice for me so far:
Ask someone if they want to hear a knock-knock joke. When/if they say yes you tell them that they have to initiate the joke in order for it to work. Take care to word it carefully, you can't give them a reason to be suspicious just yet. When they say "knock-knock", you reply with "who's there?" Hopefully it takes them a while to realize. Try not to break before they do.

The other joke is a two-parter (the first part is just there to be bad on purpose and set up the second part):

A Where do you weigh a whale?
B I don't know. Where do you weigh a whale?
A At a whale-weigh station!
B *silence*
A Ah, you've heard that one. Okay, how about this one? Where do you weigh a pie?
B *look of confusion as they wonder if there's such a thing as a pie-way station* Uh, I don't know.
A *sing the first line of 'Over the Rainbow' ("Somewhere over the rainbow...")*

Ideally the other person is familiar enough with the song and will think of how the song goes from there, and then makes the connection from "way up high" to "weigh a pie". I haven't told this joke often, but I think it's absolutely crucial that the person being told the joke needs to think of the next line of the song for themselves. It's less likely to to be effective (if they've never heard the song at all, or they forget how it goes, or they think of "skies are blue" or "bluebirds fly" instead of "way up high"), but if they figure it out it they will laugh more than if you'd sung both lines.

Just tried both of those and they stabbed me.

Just found out my grandad is addicted to Viagra, everyone in the family is upset, but my nan is taking it hardest

Godzilla wrote:Just found out my grandad is addicted to Viagra, everyone in the family is upset, but my nan is taking it hardest

OldSoulCyborg wrote:I don't actually have a joke that works in text form, but I do have two jokes for any of you that want to try them out in person on someone you know.

The first is an anti-joke that's super dumb and probably way worse than I think it is, but it's worked twice for me so far:
Ask someone if they want to hear a knock-knock joke. When/if they say yes you tell them that they have to initiate the joke in order for it to work. Take care to word it carefully, you can't give them a reason to be suspicious just yet. When they say "knock-knock", you reply with "who's there?" Hopefully it takes them a while to realize. Try not to break before they do.

I've done this one before quite a few times, and while it usually just confuses people and they don't really get that you're having them on until you explain it, there was one guy I worked with who heard it, sat for a second working it out, then creased up laughing for literal minutes. :lol:

When it hits the right person, it's great.

I used to try using that knock knock "joke" on girls in bars :slol:

What do you call a paedo pirate?

Arrrrrrr Kelly

A anecdote.

A work colleague had told A funny joke in the office. On recollection, one guy in the office laughed particularly hard at it.
The following day he came in looking confused.
He said "I tried that joke on my missus last night and she didn't get it".
"Which joke" he was asked.
"You know, The Guess who I bumped into in Safeways the other day...Everybody!"

"It's Specsavers, Graham, not Safeways"

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?

He is mist.

Preezy wrote:What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?

He is mist.

I heard fireworks last night - It's October the 10th, we have not had Halloween yet.

Anyway the cat was so scared he flew up the Christmas tree.

How can you tell the difference between Alan and Hermann?

Study there Cummings and Goerings

Chris Eubank has authored a new book on Ethics. If it does well his next one will be about Kent.

Did you hear the joke about the vest?

It'd just go over your head.

A farm near me usually charges £3 to visit, but today they have a deal where it's only £1.50. Which is sheep at half the price.

Bad Joke Thread | Jokes on you, these are great!

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