Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

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Banjo
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PostRe: Depression
by Banjo » Thu Jun 01, 2017 1:51 pm

I'm getting worse.

In Milan right now, and spent the last few hours exploring. Breaking apart with each step, trying to hold it back. It's not nice and I am honestly pretty worried by it. This really has been a steady decline, and I don't know how to fight through it. I really don't want to go back to the UK, but I'm scared as to what might happen the longer I stay out.

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Kezzer
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PostRe: Depression
by Kezzer » Thu Jun 01, 2017 2:14 pm

Banjo wrote:I'm getting worse.

In Milan right now, and spent the last few hours exploring. Breaking apart with each step, trying to hold it back. It's not nice and I am honestly pretty worried by it. This really has been a steady decline, and I don't know how to fight through it. I really don't want to go back to the UK, but I'm scared as to what might happen the longer I stay out.


Banjo, if you need to talk to someone send any of us a PM - you don't need to go through this alone.

You mentioned that you were in France for two months, and have just been in Germany - were you travelling before? and what are your plans/next stops after Milan?

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Banjo
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PostRe: Depression
by Banjo » Thu Jun 01, 2017 2:22 pm

I'm in Milan for a few more days, then heading to Turin for two nights. After which I need to be in Sanremo for the 5th, where I'll be working for a month.

And I don't know if I can go through with it. I know that I can do it, as I'm good at the work and enjoy it, but I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere. I'm continuing to fight when I just haven't got anything I want to fight for. I really don't know how long I can continue fighting when I just slip further and further. And I don't mean that lightly, over the past number of years I have been on a slow but steady decline, and I have e so little reason to want to hang on.

My life is pretty good in context. I just don't want it.

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Kezzer
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PostRe: Depression
by Kezzer » Thu Jun 01, 2017 2:41 pm

Banjo wrote:I'm in Milan for a few more days, then heading to Turin for two nights. After which I need to be in Sanremo for the 5th, where I'll be working for a month.

And I don't know if I can go through with it. I know that I can do it, as I'm good at the work and enjoy it, but I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere. I'm continuing to fight when I just haven't got anything I want to fight for. I really don't know how long I can continue fighting when I just slip further and further. And I don't mean that lightly, over the past number of years I have been on a slow but steady decline, and I have e so little reason to want to hang on.

My life is pretty good in context. I just don't want it.


You've got a lot of strength to be able to acknowledge where you are just now Banjo. I realise that there is nothing that I or anyone else can type here that will magically fix your situation but there will always be a reason to hang on, I know it can feel like there isn't - but you will find it.

After Italy is it back home or are you going further afield?

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Rocsteady
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PostRe: Depression
by Rocsteady » Thu Jun 01, 2017 2:55 pm

I'd feel like gooseberry fool too, Milan strawberry floating sucks.

All jokes aside though hope you start feeling mentally better soon.

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Banjo
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PostRe: Depression
by Banjo » Thu Jun 01, 2017 3:13 pm

After Sanremo I'll be working in Romania for a month. Then Austria for a month.

Rocsteady. Within five minutes of leaving the train station two guys tried to pickpocket me. I spotted the one getting my wallet so I grabbed him by the throat. Not the best start to my time here. But my hosts are cool.

I don't​ want to go back to the UK. I was thoroughly miserable there for a period of many months and I know that won't change anytime soon. The problem is that being away from there isn't helping either. I'm progressively falling further down, no matter what I try and do.

Comparatively, I've adapted my life positively numerous times over the years. Took up new hobbies, made good friends, challenges myself, educated myself, opened up emotionally and more. And I'm worse than ever. How many times must I try and fight past something that only ever gets worse, and where I can't utilise coping mechanisms as they inevitably fail to do the job?

I don't even know why I keep moving. Because I'm supposed to? Which is my answer for so much now, there's no actual reason that I believe in.

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Tafdolphin
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PostRe: Depression
by Tafdolphin » Wed Jun 07, 2017 9:03 am

Having a bit of a time at the moment: mini-breakdown in the hallway at home before heading out this morning, same again when talking to a friend after I got to the office. Had a strawberry floated up series of dreams, some work-based some not, where I’d be super happy then wake up and it was as if all the colour had drained from the world. Been grinding my teeth at night a lot too, to the point where my jaw aches like strawberry float every morning.

Most of this is based around my work, which is your typical rote admin stuff. I’m now at a level where I actually have some sort of responsibility, which is incredibly hard when you genuinely don’t care. I am not happy.

Booked in to see a counsellor through the Employee Assistance Programme, but that was 3 weeks ago and they haven’t got back to me, despite several chaser calls. My friend suggested I should book in to see a GP.

It all just feels so illegitimate. I know there are reasons I feel like this, but I can’t accept them as anything that should be causing me to feel so bad. The “suck it up” reflex is strong at the moment but this then runs directly contrary to how gooseberry fool I feel whenever I’m not distracting myself. I’m obsessing over stuff, politics, games, like I haven’t done before which in turn are making things worse as I’ve started dreaming about these too.

My poor girlfriend is being incredibly supportive as she went through something similar a few years back. My friends too, well, the one I’ve told, is being incredible. But it’s not making me feel any better.

Ho hum.

Goat wrote:Guy probably decided not to show up because he heard Taffy was a Cow-exploding fantasist mentalist.

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Green Gecko
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PostRe: Depression
by Green Gecko » Wed Jun 07, 2017 11:25 am

Tafdolphin wrote:Having a bit of a time at the moment: mini-breakdown in the hallway at home before heading out this morning, same again when talking to a friend after I got to the office. Had a strawberry floated up series of dreams, some work-based some not, where I’d be super happy then wake up and it was as if all the colour had drained from the world. Been grinding my teeth at night a lot too, to the point where my jaw aches like strawberry float every morning.

Most of this is based around my work, which is your typical rote admin stuff. I’m now at a level where I actually have some sort of responsibility, which is incredibly hard when you genuinely don’t care. I am not happy.

Booked in to see a counsellor through the Employee Assistance Programme, but that was 3 weeks ago and they haven’t got back to me, despite several chaser calls. My friend suggested I should book in to see a GP.

It all just feels so illegitimate. I know there are reasons I feel like this, but I can’t accept them as anything that should be causing me to feel so bad. The “suck it up” reflex is strong at the moment but this then runs directly contrary to how gooseberry fool I feel whenever I’m not distracting myself. I’m obsessing over stuff, politics, games, like I haven’t done before which in turn are making things worse as I’ve started dreaming about these too.

My poor girlfriend is being incredibly supportive as she went through something similar a few years back. My friends too, well, the one I’ve told, is being incredible. But it’s not making me feel any better.

Ho hum.

Please try not to feel guilty about feeling unwell, this is the worst thing for me as being self employed I constantly feel like I am letting my own side down. You are allowed to not feel ok despite not having any physical symptoms (this is not necessarily true, you may have aches and pains, troubling sleeping and headaches or even indigestion) or being able to rationalise or pathologise why you feel the way you do, yet.

You should speak to your GP, however it might be faster to access low cost counciling (NHS students and volunteers) locally as the NHS can be extremely protracted disappointing in this respect, although it varies from place to place, because they are so desperately underfunded. They will, however, help you eventually if you fit their diagnosis or refer you somewhere who will.

You can use this site or app to get free text messaging counselling from volunteers that may help you talk through what you are experiencing. It may be nerve wracking at first, but is much better than suffering https://www.7cups.com/

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Tafdolphin
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PostRe: Depression
by Tafdolphin » Wed Jun 07, 2017 1:15 pm

Thanks for that GG, I'll give the site a look.

Told my manager today about what's up. He was really supportive, but I'm still struggling to keep the mask of normalcy on. I teared up listening to the strawberry floating Wonder Woman theme. Urgh.

I know I shouldn't feel guilt, I mean I know I shouldn't. But there the guilt remains. It's such an odd feeling but it's not going away. I rang the counselling service again and they upgraded my request to urgent so hopefully I should get a call back ASAP. We'll see how that goes I suppose

Goat wrote:Guy probably decided not to show up because he heard Taffy was a Cow-exploding fantasist mentalist.

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Green Gecko
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PostRe: Depression
by Green Gecko » Wed Jun 07, 2017 3:47 pm

Sounds good. Yes, I know what you mean. If you are having these feelings that you can't explain away and are frustrated that they keep happening even though you can't understand why, then please there is no shame at all in getting some help with that. Counselling and other forms of talking therapy are usually pretty good at helping you move towards understanding that state and tackling it, although sometimes it is more about accepting the feelings until they (counter-intuitively) fade away. Sometimes just talking to someone and verbalising or writing down the thoughts & feelings can make you feel better. There have been many times I have gone to see an expert whether that is in listening or specific forms of therapy and left feeling like there is more possibility in my life, refreshed as if something has just washed over me. Remember that you are not your thoughts/feelings and it is 100% possible to get better applying yourself to different techniques and allowing others to help you. I appreciate they can be hard to find, much harder than it should be, but they certainly exist.

Absolutely ignore anyone who tells you different or tries to pin the blame on you. It's really important to surround yourself or locate yourself around people who don't judge you, at least some of the time / not all the time. It is fortunate your manager doesn't take a dim view of how you are currently experiencing life and responding to things.

It may not come to it yet, but be prepared to make smaller or larger changes to your life. Just like eating badly or not exercising is bad for your physical health, there are things that are bad for your mental wellbeing as well. Those might be things that are relatively easy to change by being resolute and there are others that need more long term plans and goals. But you will probably come to understand what those things are naturally in the course of talking to someone and taking the time to look at what is happening and approach it pragmatically, and treat it like you would with any other illness - go to a doctor, try medication if there is some or make changes to your lifestyle, etc.

I can't even begin to explain how my life has changed since I involved other people in my life more, especially those who were impartial. It is something I have always come back to and found that things get better pretty much the moment I begin to work with someone else and drop the whole, "king of my castle" thing.

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PostRe: Depression
by shadow202 » Sat Jun 10, 2017 11:41 pm

Well I'm in need for a good vent but I can't bring myself to do it tonight, so I'll do it tomorrow

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PostRe: Depression
by Tafdolphin » Wed Jul 12, 2017 1:32 pm

Had some really bad days recently, today being one.

A couple of Saturdays ago I woke up and couldn't do anything. I had stuff to do, but I could not motivate myself to do it. I spent the whole day doing nothing, cancelled my attendance at a long planned party and just lay on my bed with Netflix on in the background. Didn't communicate, can't remember eating.

Today I've had a triple whammy of upset girlfriend, terrible work day (entirely my own fault, I strawberry floated up) and a large social gathering tonight organised by me and too late to cancel (first session of my first time as a GM, which I was already nervous about). It's a different sort of bad as I just feel super strawberry floating stressed, work is like an avalanche and my girlfriend is doing the thing she sometimes does of making veiled conditional relationship addenda while stating it's not me its her. She's been my main source of support through all this, so I feel completely unanchored today, brain on fire and heart strawberry floating pounding.

I'm two sessions in to counselling though, and its helped. Made me realise some things, and consider others. Next session is on Thursday, which can't come soon enough.

Goat wrote:Guy probably decided not to show up because he heard Taffy was a Cow-exploding fantasist mentalist.

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Rocsteady
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PostRe: Depression
by Rocsteady » Wed Jul 12, 2017 2:32 pm

Sounds rough.

Took the day off work today as felt ill yesterday then had a massive fight with the gf who's now talking about flying back home. Don't feel ill today but not left bed while she's headed out.

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Karl
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PostRe: Depression
by Karl » Wed Jul 12, 2017 4:38 pm

shadow202 wrote:Well I'm in need for a good vent but I can't bring myself to do it tonight, so I'll do it tomorrow


Just noticed you didn't follow up on this, how are things going? Feel free to vent in here any time, it's what we're here for. :wub:

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shadow202
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PostRe: RE: Re: Depression
by shadow202 » Wed Jul 12, 2017 4:39 pm

Karl wrote:
shadow202 wrote:Well I'm in need for a good vent but I can't bring myself to do it tonight, so I'll do it tomorrow


Just noticed you didn't follow up on this, how are things going? Feel free to vent in here any time, it's what we're here for. :wub:

It's cool, I phoned a mental health nurse I know the next day and spoke to them, thanks dude.

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Green Gecko
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PostRe: Depression
by Green Gecko » Wed Jul 12, 2017 6:56 pm

Mentally I'm doing OK, mindfulness is really helping, I think. But chemically, my depression is gooseberry fool this past few weeks. Feeling totally exhausted a lot of the time for seemingly no reason, even with 10+ hours of sleep, albeit irregular sleep and stupid times. Really hard to get out of bed, waking up after 8hrs, turning over and waking up another 5 hours later, etc. Think I probably need some big doses of Vit D. I think an uptake of Niacin has helped - I eat 100% peanut peanut butter (most of that stuff is gooseberry fool and packed with sugar and palm oil). Got two 1KG pots from Amazon for £16 - although there's a better deal at Holland & Barrett. A little weird on the gut, but very high protein and longer term energy release than sugars or carbs. Mixed with corn and brown rice and other whole foods. Go too long without greens though so alternate with humus and - I've forgotten shitloads of spinach for Iron, preventing anaemia that is a big cause of exhaustion..

One of my mantras is simply, "eat the things and do/make the things". I.e. keep my energy levels up and stay up to date with my workshop orders. Regardless of my emotional or financial status, knowing I can essentially do what I want and just make things is helpful. Occasionally dealing with a customer feels like climbing a mountain just to answer some emails, just got to keep soldering on and incredibly slooooowly build my momentum and good profits will come with that. Some of my customers really like me. It's encouraging.

Also I have a work experience student in August, which will be weird, but I'm hoping having someone I can mentor and look up to me will probably boost my self esteem as well as theirs, a bit like working in a studio environment where the social aspect of not feeling 100% alone in creative endeavours is, I found, really important to succeed. As part of that, I need to return to a co-working space I felt I had to leave because someone was being a massive banana split to me and caused a breakdown. Working from home with this student won't be very professional. I managed to walk in there and was welcomed by 4 people and could talk to them, which was good. I was actually very surprised how well I coped - it was probably helpful having had the support from Prince's Trust in mentoring just beforehand. If I can return there, it might help with the isolation issue.

Which is a good example, of how you can rebound speaking to somebody impartial and supportive. I can't think of a single instance where just talking to someone, even if strawberry float all comes out of it, has not been a positive movement in any journey overcoming depression or anxiety. It often feels pointless, or like you will be judged, but if you approach a professional or a volunteer from a recommended local service it is very different to what your mind may tell you.

If anyone wants to try the best mindfulness app (headspace), give me a shout, as I have at least 1 or 2 month-free codes so you can do there 10(+20 = 30, a full month each day) day course or try any of the short 2-5 minute exercises. You don't need to subscribe, the techniques alone may be helpful.

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Brerlappin
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PostRe: Depression
by Brerlappin » Mon Jul 17, 2017 3:04 pm

I just wanted to throw this out there for anyone currently suffering with Depression. I don't know if you'd be interested but i've read so many comments from people saying this helped them i thought it might be useful here.

https://www.jiujitsutimes.com/jiujitsu-and-depression/

Don't laugh, but apparently training Jiu Jitsu can be really good for depression. I know from my own experience, that no matter how bad a day im having, whatever worries or anxieties are nibbling away at me, whether its family, work, financial, etc when you train BJJ for an hour or two, once you are on the mat, you literally cannot think of anything but BJJ. It focuses your mind 100%. Once you start rolling with a training partner, you honestly cant think of anything else but "oh god this strawberry floaters about to put me to sleep" :lol: Obviously it's not a "cure", but over the year and a half ive been reading the reddit r/bjj sub, ive seen time and time again people posting about how BJJ has been great for their depression, how without BJJ they might have done something drastic, to quite literally "BJJ saved my life" threads. So i just thought id throw it out here as an alternative therapy for anyone who is having a tough time. If you want to know anything more about it feel free to drop me a PM

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more heat than light
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PostRe: Depression
by more heat than light » Wed Aug 02, 2017 8:38 am

My overwhelming apathy is really starting to get me down. I just turned 38 and I still haven't really accomplished anything with my life. I have like hundreds of amazing, life-changing ideas in my head but they're destined to be forgotten. General process goes like this...

Have amazing idea for new TV show / musical project / business idea etc etc
Plan out how said idea will work in incredible detail, in my head.
Sit down to work on said idea.
Realise this requires work.
Can't be arsed.

It's incredibly frustrating, and I realise there is no solution other than 'do some work you lazy bastard' but every time I get any kind of spare time it's swallowed by Xbox or YouTube.

Double that up with the shitty time I'm having at the moment with my missus being an arsehole (I know everyone says 'guys are always wrong' but I don't think i've ever done anything right by her). I actually pointed out that I was a terrible human being to her the other day, and she agreed. Feeling really down, to the point where I'm struggling to find the energy to entertain the kids over the summer holidays.

As an aside, I just realised I come in this thread to moan about my own problems and never even try to help with anyone elses, which kind of sums up how selfish I am too.

jawafour wrote:You definitely have the biggest one, mhtl - it's strawberry-floatin' massive!
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Tafdolphin
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PostRe: Depression
by Tafdolphin » Wed Aug 02, 2017 9:15 am

more heat than light wrote:My overwhelming apathy is really starting to get me down. I just turned 38 and I still haven't really accomplished anything with my life. I have like hundreds of amazing, life-changing ideas in my head but they're destined to be forgotten. General process goes like this...

Have amazing idea for new TV show / musical project / business idea etc etc
Plan out how said idea will work in incredible detail, in my head.
Sit down to work on said idea.
Realise this requires work.
Can't be arsed.

It's incredibly frustrating, and I realise there is no solution other than 'do some work you lazy bastard' but every time I get any kind of spare time it's swallowed by Xbox or YouTube.

Double that up with the shitty time I'm having at the moment with my missus being an arsehole (I know everyone says 'guys are always wrong' but I don't think i've ever done anything right by her). I actually pointed out that I was a terrible human being to her the other day, and she agreed. Feeling really down, to the point where I'm struggling to find the energy to entertain the kids over the summer holidays.

As an aside, I just realised I come in this thread to moan about my own problems and never even try to help with anyone elses, which kind of sums up how selfish I am too.


First off, with that last point I think that's partially why the thread is here. I know I use it as a ranting board!

And with your first points: welcome to the club. I am constantly thinking of things I could blog about, short stories I could write, etc etc and then when I find myself in front of a blank screen in all goes away and I end up playing about few levels of Hotline Miami. It's horrible but totally, totally normal. I haven't found a solution to it yet, but if I do I'll let you know!

...

I'm still not in a great place. I have a month left until my work sabbatical and rather than getting more excited as the time ticks away I can only view it as an ever approaching deadline. I feel incredibly trapped, and time seems to be moving slower rather than faster. My girlfriend is in France, and this is all taking a toll on her too. We had a phone convo on Monday which I didn't really want to have, where I tried my best to tell her that nothing she can say can take away what I'm feeling.

She has had issues in the past with people not sharing her world view and I really tried my best to let her know that all the sage advice she gives me means nothing when I have to get up and go to a job that is almost literally killing me every morning, and how talking to her about it makes it much much worse. "It's healthy to face up to things" well it doesn't feel like it. She's now gone radio silent which is actively making me feel worse so that's fun. She's actually heading back to England for a few days tonight, so I anticipate another long, drawn out conversation about the whole thing which is going to be awful.

Goat wrote:Guy probably decided not to show up because he heard Taffy was a Cow-exploding fantasist mentalist.

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Rocsteady
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PostRe: Depression
by Rocsteady » Wed Aug 02, 2017 10:23 am

The only solution I've found to being a lazy bastard is to set tiny, achievable goals then treat yourself when you manage them.

Personally I'd also aim lower than something like getting a tv show commissioned straight off the bat, that gooseberry fool's difficult as.

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