Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

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Silent Right
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PostRe: Depression
by Silent Right » Sat May 13, 2017 9:10 am

I will be seeing some family that I've not seen in over 10 years tomorrow. We were supposed to meet a few weeks ago but my cousin who is a teen attempted suicide by swallowing a bunch of pills.

I was really looking forward to the meeting before and still am now. I really wanted to reconnect with her because there's really no reason we've been out of touch for so long and I don't really speak to much of my family but with what happened I don't want it to seem like I'm just trying to be nice.

I've never dealt with depression so I can't really understand where she's coming from but is there any advice you guys could give in how to talk to her? Should I just ignore what happend? Should I ask any questions?

When I normally havn't seen someone in a long time I'd ask how have you been, but in this case that seems a bit insensitive. Or is that ok to ask as it's just normal chit chat?

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Dual
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PostRe: Depression
by Dual » Sat May 13, 2017 12:37 pm

Talk about video games or something

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jawafour
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PostRe: Depression
by jawafour » Wed May 24, 2017 2:06 pm

.

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Banjo
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PostRe: Depression
by Banjo » Fri May 26, 2017 4:35 pm

Been a little while since I last posted. I've been living in France for two months and have now been in Germany for roughly two weeks, going to be here (in Berlin) for five more days before moving on. It's been a good experience, really pushed myself out of my rut and forcing myself to see new places, meet new people and have new experiences. I have moved around and done stuff in the last two and a half months that I never really thought I would do (not in a bragging way, just that my mind was so blinkered over the last year)

Still as deeply miserable as ever though, if not more so. It's a lovely day in Berlin and I've spent most of it fighting back tears, and I just don't know why I keep on fighting. I have effectively been in this current phase for a year now, and it's not slowing down or easing up. In general I wonder why I keep going, in some foolish belief that maybe I'll stumble across something that will give me a minor amount of purpose, but it just isn't happening. Even when at work (fun job too, teaching English at summer camps) I have to hide away and cry on a regular basis, and I plain don't enjoy my life outside of these brief pockets of activity that are admittedly fun.

The worst part about this is that I can't bring myself to stop lying about it whenever I'm around people. I'm as bad as I ever was, only now the exterior shell looks a little glossier.

I've been thinking about it for the past year, but I just don't know how much I have left in me. Over the years I have made numerous efforts to better my life and I still can't shake the dread at the forefront of my mind. I should be having a strawberry floating spectacular time right now but I am at such a low, despairing point. Why should I carry on when the major part of it is prolonging the pain I feel?

I'm so tired of it. I am so tired of the unyielding sadness, the way I can't stand to be around myself. And I don't know what to do about that. I genuinely worry that I might not have many years left in me if it carries on in this manner, because these are not happy years for me, and I don't want to have more of them.

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smurphy
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PostRe: Depression
by smurphy » Fri May 26, 2017 6:01 pm

That sounds tough. I never know what to say at times like this, but I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you mate.

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Green Gecko
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PostRe: Depression
by Green Gecko » Fri May 26, 2017 11:40 pm

I feel for you mate. I know it's incredibly difficult but please try not to self identify with the feelings of low self worth. They are just that - thoughts and feelings. They come and go. Don't try to cover them up or block them out, observe them at a distance. Really try to find someone you can talk to. I really recommend mindfulness. Are you on medication?

I have a month free code for Headspace app, which is enough time to complete the basic 10 day course and do most of the anxiety or depression exercises. It is the best one, and is narrated really well by a British guy who is easy to listen to. It might give you some relief in those shittiest moments, a place to go, if you can't access or in addition to therapy.

What you are doing with the travelling, sounds right on the money and one of the best things you can do.

I have definitely seen an improvement doing the mindfulness excercises. I am on a middling dose of SSRIs.

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Rocsteady
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PostRe: Depression
by Rocsteady » Sat May 27, 2017 1:42 am

I still remember sitting on a particularly picturesque beach in Australia after looking forward to it for months after years of depression and only feeling utter misery. Couple of years on and I'd managed to find consistent happiness, don't even consider myself depressed anymore.

Just keep trying random gooseberry fool, at worst it'll make you really interesting and eventually something will improve your life.

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PostRe: Depression
by Green Gecko » Sat May 27, 2017 4:28 am

Or someone. You can never be too well well travelled or cultured.

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Banjo
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PostRe: Depression
by Banjo » Thu Jun 01, 2017 1:51 pm

I'm getting worse.

In Milan right now, and spent the last few hours exploring. Breaking apart with each step, trying to hold it back. It's not nice and I am honestly pretty worried by it. This really has been a steady decline, and I don't know how to fight through it. I really don't want to go back to the UK, but I'm scared as to what might happen the longer I stay out.

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Kezzer
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PostRe: Depression
by Kezzer » Thu Jun 01, 2017 2:14 pm

Banjo wrote:I'm getting worse.

In Milan right now, and spent the last few hours exploring. Breaking apart with each step, trying to hold it back. It's not nice and I am honestly pretty worried by it. This really has been a steady decline, and I don't know how to fight through it. I really don't want to go back to the UK, but I'm scared as to what might happen the longer I stay out.


Banjo, if you need to talk to someone send any of us a PM - you don't need to go through this alone.

You mentioned that you were in France for two months, and have just been in Germany - were you travelling before? and what are your plans/next stops after Milan?

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Banjo
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PostRe: Depression
by Banjo » Thu Jun 01, 2017 2:22 pm

I'm in Milan for a few more days, then heading to Turin for two nights. After which I need to be in Sanremo for the 5th, where I'll be working for a month.

And I don't know if I can go through with it. I know that I can do it, as I'm good at the work and enjoy it, but I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere. I'm continuing to fight when I just haven't got anything I want to fight for. I really don't know how long I can continue fighting when I just slip further and further. And I don't mean that lightly, over the past number of years I have been on a slow but steady decline, and I have e so little reason to want to hang on.

My life is pretty good in context. I just don't want it.

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Kezzer
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PostRe: Depression
by Kezzer » Thu Jun 01, 2017 2:41 pm

Banjo wrote:I'm in Milan for a few more days, then heading to Turin for two nights. After which I need to be in Sanremo for the 5th, where I'll be working for a month.

And I don't know if I can go through with it. I know that I can do it, as I'm good at the work and enjoy it, but I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere. I'm continuing to fight when I just haven't got anything I want to fight for. I really don't know how long I can continue fighting when I just slip further and further. And I don't mean that lightly, over the past number of years I have been on a slow but steady decline, and I have e so little reason to want to hang on.

My life is pretty good in context. I just don't want it.


You've got a lot of strength to be able to acknowledge where you are just now Banjo. I realise that there is nothing that I or anyone else can type here that will magically fix your situation but there will always be a reason to hang on, I know it can feel like there isn't - but you will find it.

After Italy is it back home or are you going further afield?

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Rocsteady
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PostRe: Depression
by Rocsteady » Thu Jun 01, 2017 2:55 pm

I'd feel like gooseberry fool too, Milan strawberry floating sucks.

All jokes aside though hope you start feeling mentally better soon.

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Banjo
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PostRe: Depression
by Banjo » Thu Jun 01, 2017 3:13 pm

After Sanremo I'll be working in Romania for a month. Then Austria for a month.

Rocsteady. Within five minutes of leaving the train station two guys tried to pickpocket me. I spotted the one getting my wallet so I grabbed him by the throat. Not the best start to my time here. But my hosts are cool.

I don't​ want to go back to the UK. I was thoroughly miserable there for a period of many months and I know that won't change anytime soon. The problem is that being away from there isn't helping either. I'm progressively falling further down, no matter what I try and do.

Comparatively, I've adapted my life positively numerous times over the years. Took up new hobbies, made good friends, challenges myself, educated myself, opened up emotionally and more. And I'm worse than ever. How many times must I try and fight past something that only ever gets worse, and where I can't utilise coping mechanisms as they inevitably fail to do the job?

I don't even know why I keep moving. Because I'm supposed to? Which is my answer for so much now, there's no actual reason that I believe in.

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Rudolphin
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PostRe: Depression
by Rudolphin » Wed Jun 07, 2017 9:03 am

Having a bit of a time at the moment: mini-breakdown in the hallway at home before heading out this morning, same again when talking to a friend after I got to the office. Had a strawberry floated up series of dreams, some work-based some not, where I’d be super happy then wake up and it was as if all the colour had drained from the world. Been grinding my teeth at night a lot too, to the point where my jaw aches like strawberry float every morning.

Most of this is based around my work, which is your typical rote admin stuff. I’m now at a level where I actually have some sort of responsibility, which is incredibly hard when you genuinely don’t care. I am not happy.

Booked in to see a counsellor through the Employee Assistance Programme, but that was 3 weeks ago and they haven’t got back to me, despite several chaser calls. My friend suggested I should book in to see a GP.

It all just feels so illegitimate. I know there are reasons I feel like this, but I can’t accept them as anything that should be causing me to feel so bad. The “suck it up” reflex is strong at the moment but this then runs directly contrary to how gooseberry fool I feel whenever I’m not distracting myself. I’m obsessing over stuff, politics, games, like I haven’t done before which in turn are making things worse as I’ve started dreaming about these too.

My poor girlfriend is being incredibly supportive as she went through something similar a few years back. My friends too, well, the one I’ve told, is being incredible. But it’s not making me feel any better.

Ho hum.

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Green Gecko
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PostRe: Depression
by Green Gecko » Wed Jun 07, 2017 11:25 am

Tafdolphin wrote:Having a bit of a time at the moment: mini-breakdown in the hallway at home before heading out this morning, same again when talking to a friend after I got to the office. Had a strawberry floated up series of dreams, some work-based some not, where I’d be super happy then wake up and it was as if all the colour had drained from the world. Been grinding my teeth at night a lot too, to the point where my jaw aches like strawberry float every morning.

Most of this is based around my work, which is your typical rote admin stuff. I’m now at a level where I actually have some sort of responsibility, which is incredibly hard when you genuinely don’t care. I am not happy.

Booked in to see a counsellor through the Employee Assistance Programme, but that was 3 weeks ago and they haven’t got back to me, despite several chaser calls. My friend suggested I should book in to see a GP.

It all just feels so illegitimate. I know there are reasons I feel like this, but I can’t accept them as anything that should be causing me to feel so bad. The “suck it up” reflex is strong at the moment but this then runs directly contrary to how gooseberry fool I feel whenever I’m not distracting myself. I’m obsessing over stuff, politics, games, like I haven’t done before which in turn are making things worse as I’ve started dreaming about these too.

My poor girlfriend is being incredibly supportive as she went through something similar a few years back. My friends too, well, the one I’ve told, is being incredible. But it’s not making me feel any better.

Ho hum.

Please try not to feel guilty about feeling unwell, this is the worst thing for me as being self employed I constantly feel like I am letting my own side down. You are allowed to not feel ok despite not having any physical symptoms (this is not necessarily true, you may have aches and pains, troubling sleeping and headaches or even indigestion) or being able to rationalise or pathologise why you feel the way you do, yet.

You should speak to your GP, however it might be faster to access low cost counciling (NHS students and volunteers) locally as the NHS can be extremely protracted disappointing in this respect, although it varies from place to place, because they are so desperately underfunded. They will, however, help you eventually if you fit their diagnosis or refer you somewhere who will.

You can use this site or app to get free text messaging counselling from volunteers that may help you talk through what you are experiencing. It may be nerve wracking at first, but is much better than suffering https://www.7cups.com/

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Rudolphin
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PostRe: Depression
by Rudolphin » Wed Jun 07, 2017 1:15 pm

Thanks for that GG, I'll give the site a look.

Told my manager today about what's up. He was really supportive, but I'm still struggling to keep the mask of normalcy on. I teared up listening to the strawberry floating Wonder Woman theme. Urgh.

I know I shouldn't feel guilt, I mean I know I shouldn't. But there the guilt remains. It's such an odd feeling but it's not going away. I rang the counselling service again and they upgraded my request to urgent so hopefully I should get a call back ASAP. We'll see how that goes I suppose

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Green Gecko
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PostRe: Depression
by Green Gecko » Wed Jun 07, 2017 3:47 pm

Sounds good. Yes, I know what you mean. If you are having these feelings that you can't explain away and are frustrated that they keep happening even though you can't understand why, then please there is no shame at all in getting some help with that. Counselling and other forms of talking therapy are usually pretty good at helping you move towards understanding that state and tackling it, although sometimes it is more about accepting the feelings until they (counter-intuitively) fade away. Sometimes just talking to someone and verbalising or writing down the thoughts & feelings can make you feel better. There have been many times I have gone to see an expert whether that is in listening or specific forms of therapy and left feeling like there is more possibility in my life, refreshed as if something has just washed over me. Remember that you are not your thoughts/feelings and it is 100% possible to get better applying yourself to different techniques and allowing others to help you. I appreciate they can be hard to find, much harder than it should be, but they certainly exist.

Absolutely ignore anyone who tells you different or tries to pin the blame on you. It's really important to surround yourself or locate yourself around people who don't judge you, at least some of the time / not all the time. It is fortunate your manager doesn't take a dim view of how you are currently experiencing life and responding to things.

It may not come to it yet, but be prepared to make smaller or larger changes to your life. Just like eating badly or not exercising is bad for your physical health, there are things that are bad for your mental wellbeing as well. Those might be things that are relatively easy to change by being resolute and there are others that need more long term plans and goals. But you will probably come to understand what those things are naturally in the course of talking to someone and taking the time to look at what is happening and approach it pragmatically, and treat it like you would with any other illness - go to a doctor, try medication if there is some or make changes to your lifestyle, etc.

I can't even begin to explain how my life has changed since I involved other people in my life more, especially those who were impartial. It is something I have always come back to and found that things get better pretty much the moment I begin to work with someone else and drop the whole, "king of my castle" thing.

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PostRe: Depression
by shadow202 » Sat Jun 10, 2017 11:41 pm

Well I'm in need for a good vent but I can't bring myself to do it tonight, so I'll do it tomorrow

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Rudolphin
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PostRe: Depression
by Rudolphin » Wed Jul 12, 2017 1:32 pm

Had some really bad days recently, today being one.

A couple of Saturdays ago I woke up and couldn't do anything. I had stuff to do, but I could not motivate myself to do it. I spent the whole day doing nothing, cancelled my attendance at a long planned party and just lay on my bed with Netflix on in the background. Didn't communicate, can't remember eating.

Today I've had a triple whammy of upset girlfriend, terrible work day (entirely my own fault, I strawberry floated up) and a large social gathering tonight organised by me and too late to cancel (first session of my first time as a GM, which I was already nervous about). It's a different sort of bad as I just feel super strawberry floating stressed, work is like an avalanche and my girlfriend is doing the thing she sometimes does of making veiled conditional relationship addenda while stating it's not me its her. She's been my main source of support through all this, so I feel completely unanchored today, brain on fire and heart strawberry floating pounding.

I'm two sessions in to counselling though, and its helped. Made me realise some things, and consider others. Next session is on Thursday, which can't come soon enough.

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