Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

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Green Gecko
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Green Gecko » Sat Oct 21, 2017 12:09 pm

Yes citalopram causes weight gain, for me it was a positive side effect but I also worry about cholesterol so I try to cut down on cheese, I pretty much never eat sweets and I eat whole foods and a bit of meat. Only weigh 10 stone though, I've dropped to below 9 in the past.

I've been on citalopram for years now so I find it difficult to identify with any fuzziness, I may just have completely adapted to the medication.

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still
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by still » Sat Oct 21, 2017 12:11 pm

Green Gecko wrote:I've been on citalopram for years now so I find it difficult to identify with any fuzziness, I may just have completely adapted to the medication.


Ditto.

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Tragic Magic
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Tragic Magic » Sat Oct 21, 2017 12:13 pm

I saw weight loss as a side effect for citalopram and was keeping my fingers crossed :lol: I don't think I can afford to gain any weight :dread:

Woke up again this morning with my head full of ideas so I've spent a good few hours in front of the computer typing. Managed 1000 words so it's been slow going but I do feel good for having created something and I hope I can continue with it. It feels like I've done something productive.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Green Gecko » Sat Oct 21, 2017 12:14 pm

Then again I may have just completely forgotten what it's like to have a sense of focus if I had one, I've always struggled with focus outside of intensely creative activities and takes me a long time to get started. I think there are other aspects of focus and resourcefulness that need to be applied to subvert any potential side effects. It does need a lot of mental will regardless of what medication you are on in my experience with a depressed existence.

Tragic it is very important to recognise small gains and achievements like that so well done, I hope you can repeat the "do the things and make the things" which is literally my mantra this past few years I.e. Trying not to have any reasons about stuff that are ultimately all in my head and get on with things to feel like you are leading a meaningful life, what is meaningful is totally up to you, and that is the hardest part about the "good enough / not good enough / what if / why not" loop, as no one can maintain this sense of direction and purpose for you, although they can help, no one can make you feel successful or satisfied or whatever defines happiness for you.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by jawafour » Sat Oct 21, 2017 12:24 pm

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Tragic Magic
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Tragic Magic » Sat Oct 21, 2017 1:14 pm

Thank you guys, it really does feel good. It's only a small thing but it feels like a big victory and it's definitely a rewarding outlet. I just read through my morning's work and was surprised by how pleased it made me. When I used to draw and paint I would absolutely hate my finished pictures and find fault with everything about them. But this feels revitalising.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by jawafour » Sat Oct 21, 2017 1:20 pm

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by That » Sun Oct 22, 2017 10:26 pm

Genuinely good on you Tragic. When you've finished you'll have to let us read it! :D

I really wish I had a creative outlet but I have a kind of odd system of working that makes it difficult. I tend to have long stretches of time where I struggle to focus, and then bursts of motivation that see me doing weeks' worth of work over a few days. Can anyone else relate to this?

I find I can't really be creative in those periods of low focus -- partly due to attention wandering, but mostly due to feeling guilty about 'working' without working. Then when the motivation comes, I burn myself out on the actual jobs I have to do and I don't have enough fuel left in the tank for personal projects.

So far my job/PhD is flexible enough that I can have this weird, possibly-unhealthy pattern and still be praised for being highly productive and motivated. :slol: Feeling pretty lucky about that. If my time were micromanaged more closely by higher-ups I think the cracks would show for sure.

Interested to hear if anyone else on here is reading this thinking "me too!". :)

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by smurphy » Sun Oct 22, 2017 10:58 pm

Karl wrote:I tend to have long stretches of time where I struggle to focus, and then bursts of motivation that see me doing weeks' worth of work over a few days. Can anyone else relate to this?


Who says it's weeks worth of work? And if it is, why doesn't the period leading up the burst of work count as work, too? The older I get the more I realise that anyone who does any kind of creative/thoughtful/passion-driven work for a living or serious hobby almost has to go through these cycles. There's this myth that people in these areas work continuously 9-5 as if it was a 'normal' job, and that in not doing so you're lazy or a failure. I'm sure some people manage that, but from what I can tell it's very, very rare.

I've been trying lately to just let myself play games for a while, or read, or do nothing and not feel bad about it. It's very difficult, but I'm trying hard. And it's good because I don't burn out, and when the motivation or inspiration returns I'm ready to go at it 100%, and truly enjoying blasting out a ton of work.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Green Gecko » Mon Oct 23, 2017 12:28 am

Smurphy is basically correct. I often go through the same things, I literally "napped" my way through some joinery decision making earlier today, although possibly a form of meditation. Both Einstein and Da Vinci used to do a similar thing iirc, falling almost asleep to allow the brain to make obervations and devise unhindered by concious reasoning (worrying), often by allowing otherwise disparate thoughts and concepts to flow together. They would wait until they fell asleep long enough to hear a pencil fall out of the hand and tap on the ground, wake up and continue.

But I now genuinely explain to some customers that I have spent a week thinking about and envisioning this image, this design etc. And have just started drawing.

It helped that my mother has also been depressed in past and present an as a mental health worker and art therapist she strongly believes depressive periods of low mood are normal and even productive parts of the creative process without which the constructive and realisation parts of the cycle could not happen. The correlation between creative and some scientific disciplines is well documented because a degree of self criticism is absolutely essential to progress.

When I was micro managed and given arbitrary deadlines in my longest job I REALLY wanted to tell my bosses to strawberry float of sometimes, because whatever I did was generally excellent and of value and they knew that to the extent I constantly got away with apparent zero time management. And at university before that in order to not constantly be penalised and thrown out it was finally recognised after years I had serious issues structuring and observing time and so I had a learning agreement that literally allowed for infinite deadline extensions. I got 67.995% for my total BA despite every single unit being late at least once, I think my record was an entire year late for my first essay.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Banjo » Mon Oct 23, 2017 7:21 am

Last night, my ex made it publically known that she is seeing someone. Since she dumped me god knows if she has dated anyone else, but this is the first 'known' one, and it really, really stings. Perhaps more than I was even expecting, and I knew it was coming.

The thing I'm noticing more is how my depression manifests. In the last 6 months I've made a decent effort of keeping my body and mind occupied that I wasn't being as put down as I had, and last night I could almost very literally feel it starting to consume me again. My body started feeling very weak, all of a sudden my appetite vanished, sounds started to get distanced. It was weird, and a little scary. Perhaps a good sign that I am able to take a somewhat reflective stance, as last year I was lost in it for weeks at a time, and maybe this could be a way of showing progress.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by still » Mon Oct 23, 2017 7:31 am

Banjo wrote:Last night, my ex made it publically known that she is seeing someone. Since she dumped me god knows if she has dated anyone else, but this is the first 'known' one, and it really, really stings. Perhaps more than I was even expecting, and I knew it was coming.

The thing I'm noticing more is how my depression manifests. In the last 6 months I've made a decent effort of keeping my body and mind occupied that I wasn't being as put down as I had, and last night I could almost very literally feel it starting to consume me again. My body started feeling very weak, all of a sudden my appetite vanished, sounds started to get distanced. It was weird, and a little scary. Perhaps a good sign that I am able to take a somewhat reflective stance, as last year I was lost in it for weeks at a time, and maybe this could be a way of showing progress.


Definitely a good sign as you can actually see it coming on as a result of your thought processes after 'bad' news. It took me years to realise that the way I was thinking was contributory to the way I was feeling. (Can't say I've got that much better! but the underlying knowledge definitely helps.) Good luck.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Green Gecko » Mon Oct 23, 2017 11:25 am

Observing your condition is a powerful thing, although I'm sorry to hear that, I recall times when I was improving overall when I looked at how I felt objectively.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by That » Mon Oct 23, 2017 11:37 am

Banjo: knowing yourself well enough to say "this is what I feel like, and this is why I'm feeling it" is very important when managing depression in my experience. I'd echo Still and Gecko in saying that it's definitely progress to be recognising the symptoms & processes this early on. I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough time of it at the moment with your ex though.



smurphy wrote:
Karl wrote:I tend to have long stretches of time where I struggle to focus, and then bursts of motivation that see me doing weeks' worth of work over a few days. Can anyone else relate to this?


Who says it's weeks worth of work? And if it is, why doesn't the period leading up the burst of work count as work, too? The older I get the more I realise that anyone who does any kind of creative/thoughtful/passion-driven work for a living or serious hobby almost has to go through these cycles...


Green Gecko wrote:...But I now genuinely explain to some customers that I have spent a week thinking about and envisioning this image, this design etc. And have just started drawing...


This made me feel a little better, thanks both. It's good to hear that other people in creative/knowledge industries have similar experiences and cycles.

It can be tough to talk to colleagues and other people in the same industry about this kind of thing, because you're scared you'll come off as lazy or a chancer. One of my fears is that people will suddenly realise I'm not good at my job (though I know on a conscious, objective level that I am at least quite good at it).

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Banjo » Mon Oct 23, 2017 12:18 pm

I suppose the real pain is knowing just how far I am from being 'okay'. At the risk of pulling a Clarkman, I have led a fairly exciting year and have managed to do, see and achieve a good deal, yet a big part of my mind is still firmly locked in that past state. No matter how much I told myself that this day would come sooner or later, it still completely put me on my arse. I have got some stuff going on in my life to keep me pro-active; activities, social promises and some skills I want to pursue, but it does still feel like I'm using them to mask from what I really want, which is sadly not an option anymore.

It's that sucky, feeling, knowing that it never really goes away, just trying to prep more for when it will give you a knock, and hope it doesn't completely tip over your life. I mean, strawberry float, last year was that for me, so much time spent in a hole being both unable and unwilling to climb out.

On the plus side though, I have way better hair than the new dude and far greater fashion sense.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by 7256930752 » Mon Oct 23, 2017 12:18 pm

Do any of you find your creative sparks come with periods of addiction to whatever it is your working on, studying, etc? I go through these highly focuses periods and feel like I've beaten the anxiety/depression (I feel embarrassed just writting that) and it out of nowhere it hits me like a train.

I still refuse to believe I can't beat this stuff bit it's hard when your tortured by your own thoughts and try to keep this stuff from people around you. I know it's not a good thing to do but I will never share everything with friends and family.

Banjo, a breakup is something that has been one of the main catalysts for my issues and something that always plagues me. I hate failure and constantly think about things from the past, what I did wrong, and who could have been hurt. The relationship stuff affects me the most as rejection is to me the worst feeling, especially if it's in situations that you try to have control of your emotions. My only advice would be to do things that make you feel better about yourself, exercise, dress well, get a nice hair cut, eat better, see your friends, go for a walk, organise a holiday, etc.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Banjo » Mon Oct 23, 2017 12:25 pm

Hime wrote:Banjo, a breakup is something that has been one of the main catalysts for my issues and something that always plagues me. I hate failure and constantly think about things from the past, what I did wrong, and who could have been hurt. The relationship stuff affects me the most as rejection is to me the worst feeling, especially if it's in situations that you try to have control of your emotions. My only advice would be to do things that make you feel better about yourself, exercise, dress well, get a nice hair cut, eat better, see your friends, go for a walk, organise a holiday, etc.


Similar to what yourself and others are saying with regards to creativity, I was talking to a friend last night and she was really pushing me to do more writing. I do so on occasion and have had a fair few people comment on it, how they really like my style and what I have to say (naturally these are instances of me trying to convey my emotional state in print) and my response has been that I'm pretty insecure about pursuing. But this time not for fear of rejection, but because my strongest writing has come out when I've been particularly emotionally overwhelmed. It's a difficult position, as I would like to channel more of my focus and energy into creative projects (dance as well) but the majority of my form of expression comes from rooting in negative, traumatic experiences. I'm not sure if I want to spend more time in that hole to get at the juicy material, feels risky. I am going to try (and have been) but I approach it with trepidation.

I also completely agree with it coming in waves/patches. I don't know how some people can be 'switched on' all the time, seems inhuman.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by False » Mon Oct 23, 2017 12:46 pm

Banjo wrote:It's that sucky, feeling, knowing that it never really goes away, just trying to prep more for when it will give you a knock, and hope it doesn't completely tip over your life. I mean, strawberry float, last year was that for me, so much time spent in a hole being both unable and unwilling to climb out.


I treat depression recovery the same sort of way I treat addiction recovery. Always feels like Im on the verge of a 'relapse' into sadboy, especially as Im not medicated. Just try and be mindful of your situation and being proactive about driving yourself out of it. I dont want everybody to jump down my neck here, but its 'easy' to be sad when you have a depressive mind. It takes literally zero effort to think, 'you know what strawberry float this Im going to sit here in my own stink for a week and shut out the world'. At the end of that week you have achieved nothing but you have allowed yourself to be sad. Its hard to think, I feel like I want to be stinky-sad-bed-man but Im going to be fresh-happy-work-man, but you have to do it.

Being majorly depressed was honestly the worst time of my life but almost every day I want to go back to it, I want to take time off work, strawberry float off my friends and family, and let myself sink into the warm loving embrace of that cold black pit.

That is 'recovery' from depression. I totally dont expect anymore that Ill wake up and my mind will be wired for happiness. Its wired for sadness as its default, and my recovery is that I know that and Im (almost) ready to live the rest of my life managing the condition.

Banjo wrote:On the plus side though, I have way better hair than the new dude and far greater fashion sense.


Dont believe it.

* Translators note: Sad is a catchall term for all symptoms of depression, dont hate.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Banjo » Mon Oct 23, 2017 12:56 pm

Ha. Knew I can count on you to knock down my pipe dreams.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by That » Mon Oct 23, 2017 12:58 pm

Gently-Parted Ringpiece wrote:Being majorly depressed was honestly the worst time of my life but almost every day I want to go back to it, I want to take time off work, strawberry float off my friends and family, and let myself sink into the warm loving embrace of that cold black pit.

That is 'recovery' from depression. I totally dont expect anymore that Ill wake up and my mind will be wired for happiness. Its wired for sadness as its default, and my recovery is that I know that and Im (almost) ready to live the rest of my life managing the condition.


This is definitely true. Being 'recovered' is much better than the alternative, but you're still constantly walking up a down escalator. If you stop putting the effort in it'll take you all the way back down to the bottom before you know it.

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