HDYFRN - Official SONM Memorial Thread

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Minoru
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PostRe: HDYFRN - Official SONM Memorial Thread
by Minoru » Thu Jul 05, 2018 10:38 pm

Yeah I keep hoping it'll just take time, but right now we are not talking about it at all and I worry that all time is going to do is make it easier for her to forget and then eventually we'll have to go through the whole process again.

She definitely had scenarios about me getting married and having kids, and I told her I still can. I even thought I'd got through to her on that, then the next day she was like 'and you're never going to get married or have kids' and she said some really horrible things about kids needing a dad and how they shouldn't adopt kids to gay couples and things I never even thought she would think let alone say. I think half of it was meaningless to her, just hoping to scare me out of it, but that doesn't just go away. Those are really, incredibly personal fears for me, and it's my own mother telling me those horrible things.

I'm kind of a wreck and it's such a worry for me. I have to find a girl who can deal with that, who likes me, who wants what I want. I'm not even good looking so I don't have that going for me either. I worry about it, and self acceptance has been hard and hearing these things from her has just set me back a lot. I know I should just be stronger and not let it get to me, but I'm not.

I don't actually have a doctor right now, but yeah, I've been considering seeing one, or just going directly to a therapist, but that's another thing I don't really have family understanding on. My parents don't think it will help and don't understand why I can't just get over it. Hell, I don't really understand either, I just know how terrible and overwhelming it all feels, even going to the doctor terrifies me.

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PostRe: HDYFRN - Official SONM Memorial Thread
by Karl » Thu Jul 05, 2018 10:56 pm

I'm really sorry Minoru -- it's unbelievable how much grief people get from their families, who in other respects love them, for coming out. I think generally parents do come around given some time, but I know "eventually..." doesn't help in the here and now, so it must be an unbelievably frustrating and hurtful situation. The "what about my grandkids?!" stuff is upsettingly common, and while often the parent will come around to the idea that you and a girlfriend could adopt one day, I know it's still hurtful to hear those things. Even if you have to be careful about what you say at home for now, it doesn't change who you are or make you any less valid in being gay.

Just an anecdote, but a very close friend of mine just moved out to go live with his boyfriend, and his Mum still doesn't accept that he's gay -- he decided he just has to live his life the way he wants whether or not his Mum accepts that. Even though it hurts to not be supported at home, you're your own person and you don't need her permission to be true to yourself. And you can still love your Mum even if you don't share that part of your life with her right now.

Re: depression: It's tough to live with anxiety and depression, particularly when you have stress at home and the grind of job-hunting all at the same time. I found it to be the kind of thing you need to take little steps with. It's important to celebrate little victories, and don't beat yourself if you have a bad day. I was just wondering, do you have anything you do to help you cope at the moment?

It's a big step, and I was totally resistant to the idea at first, but when I eventually signed up to a doctor & went to them, I found getting them involved to be a big help with both of those issues. I recently sent a PM to someone about my experiences going to a doctor with anxiety & depression -- it's a bit personal to post in public but I'd be happy to paste it to you if it would demystify the process at all, just let me know. He said it helped him make up his mind to go, but no pressure of course!

Re: anxiety & meeting people: Just an idea, but going to a local LGBT society just to hang out and chat (you don't have to tell your Mum that's where you're going!) might be a nice way to solve both the problem of meeting people in general and meeting other gay women. Is there a University local to you? The student LGBT club usually won't turn away young people that aren't at the Uni, and they are in my experience very nice spaces that are super accepting of everyone.

You definitely will meet someone one day, by the way. You seem like a nice, friendly person and that's 90% of it -- the other 10% is just getting out there and meeting people, and I get that might not be happening so much right now but you'll work on it & get the hang of it.

Re: jobs: Dunno if this helps at all or is really viable advice, but for what it's worth -- working in a library has really helped my partner to overcome her anxiety. It's a quiet enough environment that she doesn't feel overwhelmed, but she has to talk to different people every day, so it's helped her become more comfortable with that. There are libraries all over the place and they're often seeking new workers (often via agencies -- you can ask them which agency they use). I guess that's actually probably a bit specific to help in general, but maybe there are jobs you can investigate that are 'quieter' & won't stress you out.

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Minoru wrote:I know I don't post here much so I probably shouldn't be dumping a load of personal stuff, but I just need a place to vent right now.

Not at all. It's what we're here for. Venting helps, vent away whenever you feel like it.

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PostRe: HDYFRN - Official SONM Memorial Thread
by Wrathy » Thu Jul 05, 2018 11:10 pm

Good to see you around, Minoru. Congrats on coming out - you did the right thing, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

It took my dad something nutty like 6 months to be back on decent speaking terms, though obviously we communicated a little in the time between.

It takes time, sadly - you've got to roll with the punches and walk at their pace (or move on and wait for them to catch up). It's not easy, but it is worth it. Promise. <3

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PostRe: HDYFRN - Official SONM Memorial Thread
by Drumstick » Thu Jul 05, 2018 11:15 pm

Really sorry to read all that, Minoru.

Two very good female friends of mine are getting married in 3 weeks, one of which has had similar problems regards parents not being accepting. Her Dad has, over time, accepted it, but the Mum has always, always fought against it and routinely makes her feel like gooseberry fool whenever she goes home to visit.

However, the Mum came along to my friend's hen do, met all her (gay) friends and at long last, saw how happy her daughter is. Something finally clicked. I don't know if she's over the hump as it were, but their relationship is now a lot better and she seems to have accepted her daughter's sexuality.

So things can change, after 15 years in this case, I just hope it doesn't take anywhere near that long for you.

Last edited by Drumstick on Thu Jul 05, 2018 11:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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PostRe: HDYFRN - Official SONM Memorial Thread
by Karl » Thu Jul 05, 2018 11:15 pm

Wrathy wrote:It took my dad something nutty like 6 months to be back on decent speaking terms, though obviously we communicated a little in the time between.

This is mind-boggling to me. I know you posted about it before and said you came out under not-so-ideal circumstances, but still, I can't imagine having a daughter and not talking to her for six months over something like that -- I guess it's just hard to imagine that mindset.

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PostRe: HDYFRN - Official SONM Memorial Thread
by Wrathy » Thu Jul 05, 2018 11:23 pm

Karl wrote:
Wrathy wrote:It took my dad something nutty like 6 months to be back on decent speaking terms, though obviously we communicated a little in the time between.

This is mind-boggling to me. I know you posted about it before and said you came out under not-so-ideal circumstances, but still, I can't imagine having a daughter and not talking to her for six months over something like that -- I guess it's just hard to imagine that mindset.


I mean, my dad later went on to vote for Brexit, so that should be all you need to know really.

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PostRe: HDYFRN - Official SONM Memorial Thread
by Karl » Thu Jul 05, 2018 11:34 pm

Wrathy wrote:I mean, my dad later went on to vote for Brexit, so that should be all you need to know really.

:lol: I mean, yeah, that does actually explain it. Is the Daily Mail a fixture in his living room? ;)

Glad you've patched things up a bit now. I think love does usually win out in the end, it just takes some parents longer than others unfortunately.

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PostRe: HDYFRN - Official SONM Memorial Thread
by Wrathy » Fri Jul 06, 2018 12:16 am

Karl wrote:
Wrathy wrote:I mean, my dad later went on to vote for Brexit, so that should be all you need to know really.

:lol: I mean, yeah, that does actually explain it. Is the Daily Mail a fixture in his living room? ;)

Glad you've patched things up a bit now. I think love does usually win out in the end, it just takes some parents longer than others unfortunately.


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Minoru
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PostRe: HDYFRN - Official SONM Memorial Thread
by Minoru » Fri Jul 06, 2018 12:32 am

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the support and it does help a bit to hear your kind words.

I think you're right, Karl, she'll hopefully come around given time. It's really hard right now because she took it even worse than I'd expected and I don't have other support. I kept telling myself I wasn't giving her enough credit and now I'm hurt and disappointed at how wrong I was. I hope time will help, but you're right, even if it doesn't, I can't change for her.

You're right on the depression as well. It's hard not to beat myself up, I struggle with that a lot, and the self hate tends to spiral. I don't really have good coping mechanisms right now. I write and take it out on fictional characters, but that only helps sometimes. It might help a bit to read your experiences, if it's something you don't mind sharing. I don't know if I will, but knowing what to expect does help a bit with anxiety so if I decide to go to a doctor it couldn't hurt.

I never thought to check the uni just assumed it would be students only, but I could do that. I don't get out much and my mum is super suspicious of everything now. I mentioned going to a comic con and I could practically see her brain judging whether it was a gay thing so she could be suitable discouraging if so. I figured coming out would mean less lying, but maybe not. I'd have to think of a reasonable excuse but I think you're right it might be helpful to me.

And yeah, I do think a library would be a great place to work for me, I applied for one once, but sadly I don't think anywhere local is looking.

Wrathy wrote:Good to see you around, Minoru. Congrats on coming out - you did the right thing, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

It took my dad something nutty like 6 months to be back on decent speaking terms, though obviously we communicated a little in the time between.

It takes time, sadly - you've got to roll with the punches and walk at their pace (or move on and wait for them to catch up). It's not easy, but it is worth it. Promise. <3

Thanks. I've been lurking a bit. I see your Pokemon is going well.

I'm still talking to my mum, but it's a bit weird, it's like, pretending everything is normal and there isn't a massive elephant in the room. Thank you though, it's good to hear it worked out okay for you eventually.

And Drumbstick, thank you too. It always just makes me feel happy to hear about other gay women being happy and getting married and it just fills me with hope. Silly maybe, but it does. I hope it doesn't take my mum so long to come around, but I hope to be so happy one day and I hope she'll be able to understand.

Wrathy wrote:I mean, my dad later went on to vote for Brexit, so that should be all you need to know really.

My parents also voted for Brexit. :fp:

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PostRe: HDYFRN - Official SONM Memorial Thread
by Moggy » Fri Jul 06, 2018 7:52 am

Minoru, congrats on coming out. Even in these days of more acceptance, it is still a bloody hard thing to do and it's great that you can now be yourself without having to lie or hide who you are.

Your mum is a problem, but she should not define your life for you. It's your life, not hers. She either needs to accept who you are, or keep her mouth shut about it. You have done nothing wrong.

My stepbrother came out a few years ago. My stepdad fully accepts him, as does pretty much everyone else. Even his 90 year old grandfather accepted it without hesitation. Everyone that is except his mum. She was pretty nasty about it, very similar to how you have described your mother. She told him that he couldn't have "men!" in the house, cried about grandchildren (even though she already had grandchildren :fp: ) and all the usual bollocks.

She has sort of come around now, he has his boyfriend stay over and she has cut out the really hurtful comments. She seemed to come around at the same time as her partner died, leaving her financially reliant on my stepbrother, so I don't know how sincere her conversion is... He is currently looking at buying a house with his boyfriend though, so her nasty side may well come back soon when he stops paying her mortgage for her. :lol:

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PostRe: HDYFRN - Official SONM Memorial Thread
by Jezo » Fri Jul 06, 2018 9:19 am

Your mom's gay

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PostRe: HDYFRN - Official SONM Memorial Thread
by Tsunade » Fri Jul 06, 2018 9:31 am

Go to comic con Min! Don't let what your mum thinks stop you, tell her it's more of a "trying to help with anxiety thing" because, well, it should definitely help with that! Most people will be in costume, and will talk to you if you talk to them, it's a good environment for that. You may make new friends, heck there may even be someone from on here going to the same one!

Try again at the library, or even maybe Waterstones, you'll get there, just keep trying.

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PostRe: HDYFRN - Official SONM Memorial Thread
by OrangeRKN » Fri Jul 06, 2018 9:45 am

Well done on coming out Minoru! It might not feel like a victory given the response, but it's a big step and now it's done. There is no saying how long it might take your mum to better accept things and give you the support you deserve, but try your best to not take any of the comments to heart (as hard as that may be).

Take things slow and look for the positives - they're always there, somewhere. Rome wasn't built in a day and all that. We're always here if you need to vent :)

In other news, I'm pretty happy it's Friday. Roll on weekend!

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PostRe: HDYFRN - Official SONM Memorial Thread
by Rax » Fri Jul 06, 2018 10:34 am

I cant fathom the mindset of a parent who would be anything other than supportive and loving in this situation, its shitty and Im sorry you have to go through it. Be strong though, things will get better, relationships will mend and youll meet some awesome people along the way. Just hang on in there.

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Minoru
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PostRe: HDYFRN - Official SONM Memorial Thread
by Minoru » Fri Jul 06, 2018 4:20 pm

Thank you all. You're all right I need to give it time and I'm sure it'll improve eventually. In the meantime I guess I have to try not to let it get to me, work on my other issues and hope things will get better. Your support is much appreciated.

Jezo wrote:Your mom's gay

I'll be sure to tell her that.

Tsunade wrote:Go to comic con Min! Don't let what your mum thinks stop you, tell her it's more of a "trying to help with anxiety thing" because, well, it should definitely help with that! Most people will be in costume, and will talk to you if you talk to them, it's a good environment for that. You may make new friends, heck there may even be someone from on here going to the same one!

Try again at the library, or even maybe Waterstones, you'll get there, just keep trying.

Yeah, I think I might. I've been to a couple cons before but I usually go with my brother or only to really local ones. This is a London one though so it's a little intimidated to go alone but I should probably just do it.

Like Karl suggested, I think I'll send an email to the uni lgbt society to inquire too. Though if I go to anything I think I'll have to think of an excuse. I didn't want to lie anymore :|

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PostRe: HDYFRN - Official SONM Memorial Thread
by Jezo » Mon Jul 09, 2018 3:14 pm

People thinking Fisher's a troll has been hilarious. Top content.

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PostRe: HDYFRN - Official SONM Memorial Thread
by Tsunade » Mon Jul 09, 2018 4:18 pm

I was checking his posts earlier, can't believe that dude is still at it after SONM

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PostRe: HDYFRN - Official SONM Memorial Thread
by OrangeRKN » Mon Jul 09, 2018 4:59 pm

Fisher is member of the month every month

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PostRe: HDYFRN - Official SONM Memorial Thread
by DarkRula » Mon Jul 09, 2018 6:51 pm

Remember when he said the posting at the same time would stop?

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PostRe: HDYFRN - Official SONM Memorial Thread
by Tsunade » Mon Jul 09, 2018 6:53 pm

Maybe one day he'll break his habit, maybe.

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