"My entire face was blown off by maximum awesome"

http://bit.ly/13ZK6f

Post your favourite game reviews, or lines from reviews (links or text, good or bad) here.

Let's show some appreciation for the much-maligned art of games criticism.

"I've gooseberry fool better games"

Let's show some appreciation for the much-maligned art of games criticism.

Okay.

I disagree.
Universally abysmal.
Laughable
2.5d is a bullshit term.
Just so so wrong.
Isn't good enough.
Not even remotely interesting.
Dull, dull, dull.
Completely pointless/useless/stupid.
5% spectacular 95% unspectacular
Automatically wrong.
This crap has got to stop.
Absolutely awful.
Absolute madness.
Worst game I ever bought
That's a load of rubbish
I'm sorry but you do realise you can get it for £15 online, yeah?
Absolutely no way, none whatsoever.
Just stupid.
Just plain wrong Im afraid.
Most certainly not.
Are you quite mad?
While you're at it, why not be completely irrelevant?
That makes no sense at all.
Brilliant, because you say its valid, then it must be. Worst post ever.
How many times is this rubbish going to be dragged up?
You can't because its total bollocks.
No no no no no.
Insanity.
Like I said thats bollocks, theres something wrong with you guys.
You are insane.
That was my round about way of asking why on earth you would do that?
It was insane then and its even more insane now.
I can't see us agreeing at any point.
I'm afraid its you that is talking bollocks.
Can't say I agree with any of that.
Bullshit. In a word.
Even if that was true, it still doesnt make sense.
Since when did more enemies or environments automatically mean a better game...since never, thats when.
i'm sorry but do you honestly think that pretending you've never heard of Deus Ex is in any way funny or clever? Neutral
An 8 can sometimes be better than a 9.
This probably isn't the best place for this, but in this case I think you are wrong.
You're right.....but you're also wrong.
Crackdown is like Super Mario 64 with guns.
Crackdown is currently the second best game on 360, if you just don't get it then I feel sorry for you.
Yeah lets take all context out of everything and just start quoting random crap.
A 7 is often better than an 8.
On of the most ridiculous things I've ever read.I object the insinuation that I'm "falling for the hype" when that's patent bollocks.
Thats 'rubbish' according to some people.
I'm now a 'Professor of Giraffeology'.
But a 7 clearly can be better than an 8
Biggest load of crap I've ever seen on here.
Not taking a console because you think you'll be working to much is just insane.
Seriously it isn't that hard to be able to afford £250-£300 odd to spend on games in a month.
I don't care what anyone who takes that statement 100% seriously thinks about me.
HD isn't all its cracked up to be, I realise most of you are blind and therefore disagree.
Yeah...thats wrong.
A complete idiot.
What a load of bullshit.
Yeah, that post was in the wrong topic and to the wrong person. I'm still right though.
Anyone who does want Sonic 2 on VC is just plain stupid.
Insane people.
I don't think that quite counts as idiocy.
96% boring.
Although personally I think you are insane.
If you can't see the difference, you need glasses.
Look, someone else who needs glasses.
Wii Sports means you are wrong.
Does not compute.
Doesnt look very impressive.
Not the only person, no. But you are wrong.
Umm that doesnt make any sense.
Are you having a laugh?
Theres nothing wrong with elaborate piss takes but they really should make some kind of insane sense, otherwise you might as well spout any old rubbish.
What he said just plain doesnt make any sense.
I won't say I told you so ...unless that is I just did.
Rare games that I've played. DKC2, Banjo, DK64, DKR, GoldenEye, Perfect Dark, Perfect Dark Zero and Viva Pinata. Other than GE and VP they are all a load of sh*t. DKC2 both looks and plays absolutely awfully. Rare (apart from GoldenEye and Viva Pinata) really do make only sh*t games.
Are you quite insane? Seriously?
I take it I'm the only one that actually owns a trance vibrator here?
You do realise its not actually (specifically) designed for sexual stimulation right?
I don't think you quite understand what I'm saying.
I have absolutely no sympathy for anything you say.
Anyone who thinks this can't get a 10 in Edge is just plain wrong.
Thats such a (massively) stupid thing to say.
You'd be an idiot not to buy one now if you can afford it.
Are you insane?
You guys playing the demo are really poor. Is anyone challenging my scores?
What the hell is a Jig-a-watt?
MP3 isn't really a bad game in the traditional sense of the term. Its more that the difference between what some people seem to want to believe and what is actually the case about how good it is, is so massive it defies all logic.
People are still playing this over-rated pile of crap? And no I haven't got around to starting it yet.
Even though I still haven't played it, its obvious that its a rubbish game, not deserving of the opinions you have of it.
Saying that you don't like a game even though you haven't played it, in a topic all about the game, does not constitute trolling the topic.
I think it's pefectly valid to have opinions about games before playing them.
Don't try and act like you know the game from 2 minutes play, or that your experience is all it has to offer, when you are so completely and obviously wrong.
Its utter utter shite.
Are you blind?
Resident Evil Umbrella Chronicles......a bigger pile of sh*t I have never seen.
Anyone mentioning Transformers needs to be shot.
I'll tell you what (and I'm not joking) Kane and Lynch has a better storyline, better acting and better writing than Mass Effect. And you can quote me on that.
Ha ha ha...Worse.
God of War, looks like the same old sh*t, Burnout Paradise looks amazing and Wii Fit is the best thing ever.
100% disagreement here
SWOS blows everything out of the water.
Deluded!
I'm hoping your as wrong about this version as you are about the original not being the game it once was.
Why not just run straight at the nice man toting a shotgun...yeah thats a good idea.
He obviously thinks the song 'Ironic' has something to do with term irony...which it doesn't.
There are a hell of a lot of people that would say you are talking bullshit there.
Uno on the other hand is a ridiculously stupid, absolutely rubbish and random card game, the only fun you can get out of it is when you are playing with 3 people you like...and when I say playing what I actually mean is talking to.
Thats the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen anyone post on here when posting about a game they played.
Hang on a second there, A Link to the Past is all well and good (well I don't think it is, but thats besides the point)
I think you're made of WRONG.
I haven't been in the PSN topic recently, are the PS3 nuts still claiming that its even close to Live Arcade?
You really are a moron.
I'm not sure if you guys are having problems because of the pad or just because you are out of practice, but its not the game.
He can express his opinion...doesn't make it anything other than wrong though.
This version is fast becoming 'Best game ever made' material.
Best. Game. On. 360. Fullstop.
SWOS is unparalleled genius, in the same way some people feel about Super Mario Brothers 3 or Super Mario World...except better.
Seriously, you don't understand quite how good this game is.
More than any other single thing (let alone videogame), this has defined entertainment.
Hero! Hero! Hero! Hero! Hero! Hero! Hero!
I'll go out on a limb (making comments before I've played it) and say theres absolutely no way NMH deserves 94%. No way.
What the hell is wrong with you...you pointed out that you thought someone else was wrong, when there weren't, you were wrong. Deal with it.
Theres nothing on PS3 that comes close to looking as good as Pac-Man Championship Edition.
Hmm, after the abortion that is Mass Effect, I'm not sure about KotOR 3 any more.
Before RE4, Resident Evil was a truely terrible series.
Games aren't now and never will be about telling stories.
SWOS has yet to be bettered in 10 years.
Theres no way Fifa is better than PES...although from their respective positions I can see how some people could get confused. SWOS beats them both by lightyears.
Theres no excuse for the people who voted for Fifa 08 as best Sports game.
Dead inside.
The tone is all in your head. You've made it sound that way yourself, nothing to do with me.
Rog, did you not notice that this game has the best storyline of any game ever?
Also...you are wrong, this is the best game ever.
Oh I forgot about Mass Effect...one I probably won't go back to any time soon...due to it being crap.
You might want to actually read posts before posting a load of crap.
There is not now, nor will there ever be a better football game than Sensible World of Soccer.
If you find Dante and what he comes out with funny, it probably says more about you than it does about anything else.
Perfect Dark, absolute load of crap.
All SSX games are total tripe.
As for MP3, its yet another Metroid Prime game (yawn).
SSX is one of the most over rated series of games ever, not just of this generation.
Pheonix Wright is rubbish.
This is aimed at the more...normal, of us.
Paradise has design choices, not issues or problems.
Theres no accounting for bad taste.
A meme is basically an idea or somekind of cultural information, when its thought of in a way that is analogous to genes, that ideas can evolve in a similar way to biological things.
Rare never made one good Donkey Kong game.
Thats bollocks, quite frankly.
Worse than useless.
Oh dear Suzz, you like Mass Effect (a big step down from KotOR) and Fifa 08 (still a load of crap), whats happening. Next you'll be saying Metroid Prime 3 is the best game ever.
It looks exactly the same to me(obviously it looks different)
Complete morons you are.
Since Rare have never made a decent platformer in their whole existence...I'm not holding my breath that this is going to be anything other than complete crap.
I've never read a bigger load of crap than that last post.
Completely pointless release. Anyone who buys GH4 needs to be shot.
Yes...because I really want to go out and shoot a lot of people.
Solid Snake is a ridiculous character in a game with terrible writing and a storyline thats completely stupid.
GoldenEye was and still is a very good game (unlike the terrible Perfect Dark)
Diddy Kong Racing is quite possibly the worst game I've ever bought, makes Rares later output like Starfox Adventures look positively amazing.
Also the reason Banjo is going to be totally sh*t, Rare can't do vehicles...but then they can't really do anything well, so perhaps it doesn't change anything.
As far as I'm concerned they really ought to scrap Expert, its a stupid mode for stupid people.

Hero! Hero! Hero! Hero! Hero! Hero! Hero!

Kiran wrote:"I've shat better games than this"

Corrected.

Crackdown is like Super Mario 64 with guns.

I actually agree with this

Prototype wrote:

Let's show some appreciation for the much-maligned art of games criticism.

Okay.

I disagree.
Universally abysmal.
Laughable
2.5d is a bullshit term.
Just so so wrong.
Isn't good enough.
Not even remotely interesting.
Dull, dull, dull.
Completely pointless/useless/stupid.
5% spectacular 95% unspectacular
Automatically wrong.
This crap has got to stop.
Absolutely awful.
Absolute madness.
Worst game I ever bought
That's a load of rubbish
I'm sorry but you do realise you can get it for £15 online, yeah?
Absolutely no way, none whatsoever.
Just stupid.
Just plain wrong Im afraid.
Most certainly not.
Are you quite mad?
While you're at it, why not be completely irrelevant?
That makes no sense at all.
Brilliant, because you say its valid, then it must be. Worst post ever.
How many times is this rubbish going to be dragged up?
You can't because its total bollocks.
No no no no no.
Insanity.
Like I said thats bollocks, theres something wrong with you guys.
You are insane.
That was my round about way of asking why on earth you would do that?
It was insane then and its even more insane now.
I can't see us agreeing at any point.
I'm afraid its you that is talking bollocks.
Can't say I agree with any of that.
Bullshit. In a word.
Even if that was true, it still doesnt make sense.
Since when did more enemies or environments automatically mean a better game...since never, thats when.
i'm sorry but do you honestly think that pretending you've never heard of Deus Ex is in any way funny or clever? Neutral
An 8 can sometimes be better than a 9.
This probably isn't the best place for this, but in this case I think you are wrong.
You're right.....but you're also wrong.
Crackdown is like Super Mario 64 with guns.
Crackdown is currently the second best game on 360, if you just don't get it then I feel sorry for you.
Yeah lets take all context out of everything and just start quoting random crap.
A 7 is often better than an 8.
On of the most ridiculous things I've ever read.I object the insinuation that I'm "falling for the hype" when that's patent bollocks.
Thats 'rubbish' according to some people.
I'm now a 'Professor of Giraffeology'.
But a 7 clearly can be better than an 8
Biggest load of crap I've ever seen on here.
Not taking a console because you think you'll be working to much is just insane.
Seriously it isn't that hard to be able to afford £250-£300 odd to spend on games in a month.
I don't care what anyone who takes that statement 100% seriously thinks about me.
HD isn't all its cracked up to be, I realise most of you are blind and therefore disagree.
Yeah...thats wrong.
A complete idiot.
What a load of bullshit.
Yeah, that post was in the wrong topic and to the wrong person. I'm still right though.
Anyone who does want Sonic 2 on VC is just plain stupid.
Insane people.
I don't think that quite counts as idiocy.
96% boring.
Although personally I think you are insane.
If you can't see the difference, you need glasses.
Look, someone else who needs glasses.
Wii Sports means you are wrong.
Does not compute.
Doesnt look very impressive.
Not the only person, no. But you are wrong.
Umm that doesnt make any sense.
Are you having a laugh?
Theres nothing wrong with elaborate piss takes but they really should make some kind of insane sense, otherwise you might as well spout any old rubbish.
What he said just plain doesnt make any sense.
I won't say I told you so ...unless that is I just did.
Rare games that I've played. DKC2, Banjo, DK64, DKR, GoldenEye, Perfect Dark, Perfect Dark Zero and Viva Pinata. Other than GE and VP they are all a load of sh*t. DKC2 both looks and plays absolutely awfully. Rare (apart from GoldenEye and Viva Pinata) really do make only sh*t games.
Are you quite insane? Seriously?
I take it I'm the only one that actually owns a trance vibrator here?
You do realise its not actually (specifically) designed for sexual stimulation right?
I don't think you quite understand what I'm saying.
I have absolutely no sympathy for anything you say.
Anyone who thinks this can't get a 10 in Edge is just plain wrong.
Thats such a (massively) stupid thing to say.
You'd be an idiot not to buy one now if you can afford it.
Are you insane?
You guys playing the demo are really poor. Is anyone challenging my scores?
What the hell is a Jig-a-watt?
MP3 isn't really a bad game in the traditional sense of the term. Its more that the difference between what some people seem to want to believe and what is actually the case about how good it is, is so massive it defies all logic.
People are still playing this over-rated pile of crap? And no I haven't got around to starting it yet.
Even though I still haven't played it, its obvious that its a rubbish game, not deserving of the opinions you have of it.
Saying that you don't like a game even though you haven't played it, in a topic all about the game, does not constitute trolling the topic.
I think it's pefectly valid to have opinions about games before playing them.
Don't try and act like you know the game from 2 minutes play, or that your experience is all it has to offer, when you are so completely and obviously wrong.
Its utter utter shite.
Are you blind?
Resident Evil Umbrella Chronicles......a bigger pile of sh*t I have never seen.
Anyone mentioning Transformers needs to be shot.
I'll tell you what (and I'm not joking) Kane and Lynch has a better storyline, better acting and better writing than Mass Effect. And you can quote me on that.
Ha ha ha...Worse.
God of War, looks like the same old sh*t, Burnout Paradise looks amazing and Wii Fit is the best thing ever.
100% disagreement here
SWOS blows everything out of the water.
Deluded!
I'm hoping your as wrong about this version as you are about the original not being the game it once was.
Why not just run straight at the nice man toting a shotgun...yeah thats a good idea.
He obviously thinks the song 'Ironic' has something to do with term irony...which it doesn't.
There are a hell of a lot of people that would say you are talking bullshit there.
Uno on the other hand is a ridiculously stupid, absolutely rubbish and random card game, the only fun you can get out of it is when you are playing with 3 people you like...and when I say playing what I actually mean is talking to.
Thats the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen anyone post on here when posting about a game they played.
Hang on a second there, A Link to the Past is all well and good (well I don't think it is, but thats besides the point)
I think you're made of WRONG.
I haven't been in the PSN topic recently, are the PS3 nuts still claiming that its even close to Live Arcade?
You really are a moron.
I'm not sure if you guys are having problems because of the pad or just because you are out of practice, but its not the game.
He can express his opinion...doesn't make it anything other than wrong though.
This version is fast becoming 'Best game ever made' material.
Best. Game. On. 360. Fullstop.
SWOS is unparalleled genius, in the same way some people feel about Super Mario Brothers 3 or Super Mario World...except better.
Seriously, you don't understand quite how good this game is.
More than any other single thing (let alone videogame), this has defined entertainment.
Hero! Hero! Hero! Hero! Hero! Hero! Hero!
I'll go out on a limb (making comments before I've played it) and say theres absolutely no way NMH deserves 94%. No way.
What the hell is wrong with you...you pointed out that you thought someone else was wrong, when there weren't, you were wrong. Deal with it.
Theres nothing on PS3 that comes close to looking as good as Pac-Man Championship Edition.
Hmm, after the abortion that is Mass Effect, I'm not sure about KotOR 3 any more.
Before RE4, Resident Evil was a truely terrible series.
Games aren't now and never will be about telling stories.
SWOS has yet to be bettered in 10 years.
Theres no way Fifa is better than PES...although from their respective positions I can see how some people could get confused. SWOS beats them both by lightyears.
Theres no excuse for the people who voted for Fifa 08 as best Sports game.
Dead inside.
The tone is all in your head. You've made it sound that way yourself, nothing to do with me.
Rog, did you not notice that this game has the best storyline of any game ever?
Also...you are wrong, this is the best game ever.
Oh I forgot about Mass Effect...one I probably won't go back to any time soon...due to it being crap.
You might want to actually read posts before posting a load of crap.
There is not now, nor will there ever be a better football game than Sensible World of Soccer.
If you find Dante and what he comes out with funny, it probably says more about you than it does about anything else.
Perfect Dark, absolute load of crap.
All SSX games are total tripe.
As for MP3, its yet another Metroid Prime game (yawn).
SSX is one of the most over rated series of games ever, not just of this generation.
Pheonix Wright is rubbish.
This is aimed at the more...normal, of us.
Paradise has design choices, not issues or problems.
Theres no accounting for bad taste.
A meme is basically an idea or somekind of cultural information, when its thought of in a way that is analogous to genes, that ideas can evolve in a similar way to biological things.
Rare never made one good Donkey Kong game.
Thats bollocks, quite frankly.
Worse than useless.
Oh dear Suzz, you like Mass Effect (a big step down from KotOR) and Fifa 08 (still a load of crap), whats happening. Next you'll be saying Metroid Prime 3 is the best game ever.
It looks exactly the same to me(obviously it looks different)
Complete morons you are.
Since Rare have never made a decent platformer in their whole existence...I'm not holding my breath that this is going to be anything other than complete crap.
I've never read a bigger load of crap than that last post.
Completely pointless release. Anyone who buys GH4 needs to be shot.
Yes...because I really want to go out and shoot a lot of people.
Solid Snake is a ridiculous character in a game with terrible writing and a storyline thats completely stupid.
GoldenEye was and still is a very good game (unlike the terrible Perfect Dark)
Diddy Kong Racing is quite possibly the worst game I've ever bought, makes Rares later output like Starfox Adventures look positively amazing.
Also the reason Banjo is going to be totally sh*t, Rare can't do vehicles...but then they can't really do anything well, so perhaps it doesn't change anything.
As far as I'm concerned they really ought to scrap Expert, its a stupid mode for stupid people.

Is the answer HSH

Those aren't reviews.

Can we stop turning every thread into a Hugo-quoting session, please?

Hero of Canton wrote:Those aren't reviews.

Can we stop turning every thread into a Hugo-quoting session, please?

*looks at sig*

Touché.

That's the first ever Hugo quote I've used in my sig, in fairness.

Um, yeah. *runs*

There is no way HSH28 is a bona-fide person being himself. If so, I would love to meet him.

Sophie Cheshire reviewed MGS1 (1998) in 2005. Her page is below.

http://www.thunderboltgames.com./viewstaff/17



Factually incorrect, terrible punctuation and most importantly; WRONG.

Cropolite wrote:Sophie Cheshire reviewed MGS1 (1998) in 2005. Her page is below.

http://www.thunderboltgames.com./viewstaff/17

MGS1 Review wrote:One day it would be so great to go up to Hideo Kojima, the creator of the Metal Gear games and say to him about Metal Gear Solid, ”Sir, you have created a game that is both original and good. Sadly the parts that are good are not original and the parts that are original are not good.”

Harsh? I don’t think so. Metal Gear Solid is a massively overrated game. Although it breaks new ground in its fantastic graphics and superb sound, its gameplay is often badly flawed and plot-wise is almost laughable in its political naivety and Z-grade writing. But before we get started here is the obligatory information stuff that all reviews must contain by law in case you have never heard of this game before.

Metal Gear Solid is a game that probably needs no introduction, but here is one anyway. It was released in 1999 by Konami on the PlayStation and updated into three dimensions the adventures of Solid Snake a covert operative from the group Fox Hound. Previous Metal Gear adventures on the NES and MSX were fairly basic but innovative stealth action games where going in with all guns blazing was not the sensible option. The PlayStation incarnation sees Solid Snake being sent to a base in Alaska where members of Fox Hound have taken control of a huge robot called Metal Gear Rex. It’s Snakes job to defeat them. Unusually for such a console style game, it was also released for the PC a year later to a fairly muted reception.

You are supported by various helpful people via a radio in your ear called your Codec. This allows you to ask for and receive advice, gain information and save your game. Your action is viewed from a top down third person viewpoint that can be switched to a first person (static) view for looking around in detail. Support items such as infra-red goggles, cardboard boxes etc are kept on one side of the screen and weapons such as the Socom and Nikita on the other. Weapons and items can be accessed using the rear controller buttons to select and scroll through them and as you progress through the game you collect a fearsome arsenal.

Each type of weapon is effective against certain Bosses, for example Sniper Wolf needs to be taken out with a sniper rifle, the Surface-to-Air Missile Launcher needs to be used versus Liquid Snake and his helicopter. But outside of Boss confrontations your main tactic is to sneak about, sneaking everywhere is the key. You rarely need weapons unless you are in a boss battle. The elegant controls give you a wide range of crawling, sliding, ducking options.

The graphics and sound are beautiful on the lowly PlayStation, and despite the colour palette being heavy on the greens and greys it was still a stunning achievement from the little grey box. The voice acting is still far superior to most of what has gone before or since.

The plot forms a huge part of the game with long discussions and cut scenes cropping up at regular intervals. With its strong anti-war message the game is often preachy and unsubtle in it’s ”fighting’s bad mmkay” proselytising and considering the overall content of the game one of the rankest pieces of hypocrisy ever to be committed to any medium.

So what’s wrong then? Well lots. For a start, the much vaunted stealth aspects of the game are not as original as many would have you believe. The first NES games may have included stealth elements for the first time in gaming but the way they have been implemented in MGS are much more reminiscent of N64 game Goldeneye and the superb ninja stealth game Tenchu. But whereas in those games enemies could spot you from a great distance and if a surveillance camera spied you, it was pretty much mission over, in MGS its just plain dumb. For example if you are spotted by a camera or guard you only have to avoid them for about ten seconds before they get bored and go back to patrolling. EH??? And for some reason these genetically modified genome soldiers can only see ten feet in front of them. Stay out of range using your handy radar and you can run right in front of them and not be seen. Ridiculous.

In the same vein, the super bad bosses who are so much tougher than you, all seem to have very low IQs. They happily pause and show you a weak spot for you to hit, and as you spend ages wearing their health down, they will refuse to change tactics, which is nice. Also in a blatant attempt to make the game seem bigger, much backtracking to unlock doors early on in the game using key cards obtained later on. A tactic which has proved just as tiresome in the Survival Horror genre.

There are also some terrible attempts to introduce post-modernism into videogames. That means a cultural text that acknowledges it is a work of fiction by addressing the reader/viewer/player. In this case, its demanding you remove the controller in a boss fight, having Psycho Mantis read your memory card and Snake referring to the vibration of the controller to sooth his poor, sore arm. This struck me at the time as a rather odd thing to do, when so much of the game is supposedly geared to sucking you into its story. to suddenly bring you up short by yelling ”hey this is a game yah know!” seems to be very strange and schizophrenic.

Where Metal Gear Solid tries to break new ground is via its storyline. It tries to present itself as quite radical in its condemnation of war, fighting and the effects on the human spirit. Yes, that’s very nice, but the constant whining of Solid Snake about how bad his lot is and how Meryl shouldn’t want to be a solider is not great, just grating. Especially when you have a bajillion items to commit all kinds of murder in your possession and can strangle and break guards necks with your bare hands. Also by the end the plot seems have careered off at various bizarre tangents. What started out as an interesting tale about political intrigue and genetic experimentation has turned into some kind of idiotic farce. Every other person turns out to be a traitor, and the great threat turns out to be a big robot that can fire missiles off its shoulders or something equally stupid.

Perhaps its worst fault is its moronic vision of global politics. The world we live in is not ever likely to be threatened by super enhanced terrorists using a giant robot to launch nukes. To even try and present it seriously (with footage from global conflicts and Hiroshima amongst others) is an affront. As we have always been shown, if terrorist want to hurt us they attack out basic freedoms by targeting our transport, leisure and centre’s of commerce. What irritates the hell out of me about MGS and the like is the stultifying effect it has on the minds of players who sink into a kind of apathy about world affairs, always assuming there is a quick and violent solution to the deep, protracted, long-term problems of this sick world we live in.

Metal Gear Solid is a lovely game to look at and makes nice noises. But if you really listen to it and probe what its trying to say you’ll find it’s nothing more than primary school politics, with a moral message delivered with all the subtlety of a brick in the face. Its stealth-based gameplay is badly flawed and has been done better elsewhere, both before and since. Snake is possibly one of the most tediously self-centred “heroes” ever to appear in a videogame and to cap it all, the villain, Liquid Snake has an English accent(!). Oh Hideo, stick to the Mech games you obviously really want to be making, this Snake needs a mongoose to put it (and us) out of its misery.

Thunderbolt score: 6/10

Players: 1

Subtitles: Yes

Online: No

Factually incorrect, terrible punctuation and most importantly; WRONG.

Ridiculous.

It's a pretty terrible piece of writing, but a lot of what she says is right.

Cropolite wrote:Sophie Cheshire reviewed MGS1 (1998) in 2005. Her page is below.

http://www.thunderboltgames.com./viewstaff/17

Look, it clearly isn't her fault. Her favorite color is brown.

Wow, what a roaring success this thread was.

Anyway, here's my favourite review of recent weeks - http://ds.nowgamer.com/reviews/ds/8487/ ... -the-mummy

As I sat deep in reverie, refilling my pipe and musing over a particularly perplexing edition of the Times crossword puzzle, there became a peculiar rapping at my study door. Confident as I am in my own natural abilities of deduction, I detected a peculiarly anguished tone to the performance.

It gets better, too. Worth a look, methinks.

Cropolite wrote:Sophie Cheshire reviewed MGS1 (1998) in 2005. Her page is below.

http://www.thunderboltgames.com./viewstaff/17

MGS1 Review wrote:One day it would be so great to go up to Hideo Kojima, the creator of the Metal Gear games and say to him about Metal Gear Solid, ”Sir, you have created a game that is both original and good. Sadly the parts that are good are not original and the parts that are original are not good.”

Harsh? I don’t think so. Metal Gear Solid is a massively overrated game. Although it breaks new ground in its fantastic graphics and superb sound, its gameplay is often badly flawed and plot-wise is almost laughable in its political naivety and Z-grade writing. But before we get started here is the obligatory information stuff that all reviews must contain by law in case you have never heard of this game before.

Metal Gear Solid is a game that probably needs no introduction, but here is one anyway. It was released in 1999 by Konami on the PlayStation and updated into three dimensions the adventures of Solid Snake a covert operative from the group Fox Hound. Previous Metal Gear adventures on the NES and MSX were fairly basic but innovative stealth action games where going in with all guns blazing was not the sensible option. The PlayStation incarnation sees Solid Snake being sent to a base in Alaska where members of Fox Hound have taken control of a huge robot called Metal Gear Rex. It’s Snakes job to defeat them. Unusually for such a console style game, it was also released for the PC a year later to a fairly muted reception.

You are supported by various helpful people via a radio in your ear called your Codec. This allows you to ask for and receive advice, gain information and save your game. Your action is viewed from a top down third person viewpoint that can be switched to a first person (static) view for looking around in detail. Support items such as infra-red goggles, cardboard boxes etc are kept on one side of the screen and weapons such as the Socom and Nikita on the other. Weapons and items can be accessed using the rear controller buttons to select and scroll through them and as you progress through the game you collect a fearsome arsenal.

Each type of weapon is effective against certain Bosses, for example Sniper Wolf needs to be taken out with a sniper rifle, the Surface-to-Air Missile Launcher needs to be used versus Liquid Snake and his helicopter. But outside of Boss confrontations your main tactic is to sneak about, sneaking everywhere is the key. You rarely need weapons unless you are in a boss battle. The elegant controls give you a wide range of crawling, sliding, ducking options.

The graphics and sound are beautiful on the lowly PlayStation, and despite the colour palette being heavy on the greens and greys it was still a stunning achievement from the little grey box. The voice acting is still far superior to most of what has gone before or since.

The plot forms a huge part of the game with long discussions and cut scenes cropping up at regular intervals. With its strong anti-war message the game is often preachy and unsubtle in it’s ”fighting’s bad mmkay” proselytising and considering the overall content of the game one of the rankest pieces of hypocrisy ever to be committed to any medium.

So what’s wrong then? Well lots. For a start, the much vaunted stealth aspects of the game are not as original as many would have you believe. The first NES games may have included stealth elements for the first time in gaming but the way they have been implemented in MGS are much more reminiscent of N64 game Goldeneye and the superb ninja stealth game Tenchu. But whereas in those games enemies could spot you from a great distance and if a surveillance camera spied you, it was pretty much mission over, in MGS its just plain dumb. For example if you are spotted by a camera or guard you only have to avoid them for about ten seconds before they get bored and go back to patrolling. EH??? And for some reason these genetically modified genome soldiers can only see ten feet in front of them. Stay out of range using your handy radar and you can run right in front of them and not be seen. Ridiculous.

In the same vein, the super bad bosses who are so much tougher than you, all seem to have very low IQs. They happily pause and show you a weak spot for you to hit, and as you spend ages wearing their health down, they will refuse to change tactics, which is nice. Also in a blatant attempt to make the game seem bigger, much backtracking to unlock doors early on in the game using key cards obtained later on. A tactic which has proved just as tiresome in the Survival Horror genre.

There are also some terrible attempts to introduce post-modernism into videogames. That means a cultural text that acknowledges it is a work of fiction by addressing the reader/viewer/player. In this case, its demanding you remove the controller in a boss fight, having Psycho Mantis read your memory card and Snake referring to the vibration of the controller to sooth his poor, sore arm. This struck me at the time as a rather odd thing to do, when so much of the game is supposedly geared to sucking you into its story. to suddenly bring you up short by yelling ”hey this is a game yah know!” seems to be very strange and schizophrenic.

Where Metal Gear Solid tries to break new ground is via its storyline. It tries to present itself as quite radical in its condemnation of war, fighting and the effects on the human spirit. Yes, that’s very nice, but the constant whining of Solid Snake about how bad his lot is and how Meryl shouldn’t want to be a solider is not great, just grating. Especially when you have a bajillion items to commit all kinds of murder in your possession and can strangle and break guards necks with your bare hands. Also by the end the plot seems have careered off at various bizarre tangents. What started out as an interesting tale about political intrigue and genetic experimentation has turned into some kind of idiotic farce. Every other person turns out to be a traitor, and the great threat turns out to be a big robot that can fire missiles off its shoulders or something equally stupid.

Perhaps its worst fault is its moronic vision of global politics. The world we live in is not ever likely to be threatened by super enhanced terrorists using a giant robot to launch nukes. To even try and present it seriously (with footage from global conflicts and Hiroshima amongst others) is an affront. As we have always been shown, if terrorist want to hurt us they attack out basic freedoms by targeting our transport, leisure and centre’s of commerce. What irritates the hell out of me about MGS and the like is the stultifying effect it has on the minds of players who sink into a kind of apathy about world affairs, always assuming there is a quick and violent solution to the deep, protracted, long-term problems of this sick world we live in.

Metal Gear Solid is a lovely game to look at and makes nice noises. But if you really listen to it and probe what its trying to say you’ll find it’s nothing more than primary school politics, with a moral message delivered with all the subtlety of a brick in the face. Its stealth-based gameplay is badly flawed and has been done better elsewhere, both before and since. Snake is possibly one of the most tediously self-centred “heroes” ever to appear in a videogame and to cap it all, the villain, Liquid Snake has an English accent(!). Oh Hideo, stick to the Mech games you obviously really want to be making, this Snake needs a mongoose to put it (and us) out of its misery.

Thunderbolt score: 6/10

Players: 1

Subtitles: Yes

Online: No

Factually incorrect, terrible punctuation and most importantly; WRONG.

That's awesome!

Lots there that I agree with, despite being a massive MGS fan. The storyline in MGS4 is the worst though. Absolute wank

Hero of Canton wrote:Wow, what a roaring success this thread was.

Anyway, here's my favourite review of recent weeks - http://ds.nowgamer.com/reviews/ds/8487/ ... -the-mummy

As I sat deep in reverie, refilling my pipe and musing over a particularly perplexing edition of the Times crossword puzzle, there became a peculiar rapping at my study door. Confident as I am in my own natural abilities of deduction, I detected a peculiarly anguished tone to the performance.

It gets better, too. Worth a look, methinks.

Hahaha, yeah that's a good 'un. Horrible game that, the PC version anyway.

The other Sherlock Holmes titles are well good though. Shame Sherlock Holmes vs Jack the Ripper is available only for a criminal £35.99 as a download.

Hero of Canton wrote:Wow, what a roaring success this thread was.

Anyway, here's my favourite review of recent weeks - http://ds.nowgamer.com/reviews/ds/8487/ ... -the-mummy

As I sat deep in reverie, refilling my pipe and musing over a particularly perplexing edition of the Times crossword puzzle, there became a peculiar rapping at my study door. Confident as I am in my own natural abilities of deduction, I detected a peculiarly anguished tone to the performance.

It gets better, too. Worth a look, methinks.

Brilliant stuff, that.

As I've just 'tweeted' I can't decide if I think "my face was blown off by maximum awesome" is a work of genius or not.

Why does Proto have a mammoth list of Hugo quotes?! That's just creepy.