Relationship Thread V3 + Fade's Tortoise

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Errkal
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3
by Errkal » Tue Jul 31, 2018 2:22 pm

If you aren't happy then it is time to split.

I can see the logic behind staying with someone for the kids but really it isn't for the best as you wont be your proper self with them etc. and it could come back on you later as resentment or whatever.

It is better to be happy and the best parent you can then be someone becuase you have kids and not be giving your all.

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OrangeRKN
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3
by OrangeRKN » Tue Jul 31, 2018 2:31 pm

From reading your post I'd ask: are you depressed because you've fallen out of love, or have you fallen out of love because you're depressed?

When feeling depressed it is easy to project negative opinions of yourself onto others and think that must be how they see you too. Communication is key in any relationship and I would suggest sitting down with your wife in a non-hostile environment and telling her how you feel - not just framed as doubts about your relationship (although certainly these are worth discussing), but about your (from what I gather) general dissatisfaction with the traditional and materialistic pursuits in life you listed. You'll be in a much better position to judge your options when you both understand how the other feels, and it'll be good for you to better pinpoint the source of your dissatisfaction.

Don't berate yourself or feel like you're being selfish, your happiness and wellbeing is very important.

I don't know you like I'm sure others on here do so apologies if my response is unwanted or unhelpful.

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Bunni
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3
by Bunni » Tue Jul 31, 2018 4:07 pm

I think there’s definitely more going on that just falling out of love. How exactly are you a burden to your wife?

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Moggy
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3
by Moggy » Tue Jul 31, 2018 6:07 pm

I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to leave and risk access to your son or worry about not seeing him every day. People who say “don’t stay together just for the kids” are 100% correct, but it’d kill me if I didn’t get to see my boy every day.

But, if you’re both unhappy with the relationship then you need to split. It’s not going to be nice, but it’ll be worth it in the long run.

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jimbojango
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3
by jimbojango » Tue Jul 31, 2018 6:19 pm

Thanks for all the responses - they are all usefull to me, we are all human after all no matter our age or experiences.

I’m considering it might be me, and depression is clouding my judgement. I will still have the conversation with her about how I’m feeling, accepting it might not go well.

I’m terms of the burden reference, until a couple of years ago we earned roughly the same but she was promoted ( we work in the same big organisation) and after that she has regularly pointed out I’m not contributing the same. My health also hasn’t been that great over the last year or so, I’ve had respiratory and skin problems. Stress might have been a contributing factor in that I guess.

Still, I’ve been reading about Stoicism- and the advice there seems to be suck it up and improve myself. Maybe this is just a mid life crisis (I’m 40), and I should hit the gym, take up lots of activities and make more of my life outside my marriage? Is that a plan or is it me running away from my feelings? Does it matter?

I do feel better from having aired this on a games forum, so again I feel grateful to have this place. Thanks forumites.

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Moggy
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3
by Moggy » Tue Jul 31, 2018 6:22 pm

You are not a burden just because you earn less or have had ill health.

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Heskimo
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3
by Heskimo » Tue Jul 31, 2018 7:16 pm

Considering the way you currently feel about yourself and your relationship, I'd suggest to seek counsel if you have the means to do so. Whether it be for yourself or some kind of relationship therapy (I'm aware there's a cringey stigma around relationship therapy in particular), as it could really help you get to the bottom of whether it's the relationship that is causing problems or if there's something within yourself (oftentimes it's probably a combination of all factors but some might be playing more of a role). This way you don't have to make any snap decision on calling the relationship a day or anything like that and further down the line it could reflect well on you for being the one to try this should anything happen to the relationship in the future. It takes a bit of courage and an open mind to give it a try but it could be a better step than a rash decision, especially if you think there's a chance of happiness left in your marriage.

Good luck, whichever way you choose to handle it.

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Dual
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3
by Dual » Tue Jul 31, 2018 10:08 pm

Got to talk to your wife about it. Easier said than done but you need to be upfront.

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Rocsteady
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3
by Rocsteady » Wed Aug 01, 2018 12:16 am

Moggy wrote:You are not a burden just because you earn less or have had ill health.

100%. Reverse the gender roles and see how out of place that would sound.

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Bunni
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3
by Bunni » Wed Aug 01, 2018 6:11 am

Moggy wrote:You are not a burden just because you earn less or have had ill health.


Your wife certainly shouldn’t be reinforcing this feeling either. That’s awful behaviour.

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Fade
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3
by Fade » Thu Aug 02, 2018 3:54 pm

I earn less than my girlfriend, nothing to be ashamed of :)

Speaking of, we are moving I to a two bed flat together, it'll be my first time moving away from home, really excited :D

Also:

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<]:^D
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade's Tortoise
by <]:^D » Thu Aug 02, 2018 4:09 pm

in my head, all Fade's posts are about him and his tortoise
the girlfriend doesnt exist

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Jenuall
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade's Tortoise
by Jenuall » Thu Aug 02, 2018 4:14 pm

<]:^D wrote:in my head, all Fade's posts are about him and his tortoise
the girlfriend doesnt exist


How explicit are these dreams about Fade and his tortoise that you have been having?


I do have to say, that is one cute tortoise. :wub:

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Dual
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade's Tortoise
by Dual » Thu Aug 02, 2018 5:06 pm

I like turtles

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Fade
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade's Tortoise
by Fade » Thu Aug 02, 2018 5:23 pm

I can confirm that my girlfriend is not a tortoise

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Ad7
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade's Tortoise
by Ad7 » Thu Aug 02, 2018 6:23 pm

Fade has really come out of his shell.

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Qikz
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade's Tortoise
by Qikz » Thu Aug 02, 2018 11:33 pm

Got 5 matches today on Bumble. :cool:

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Curls
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade's Tortoise
by Curls » Fri Aug 03, 2018 12:27 am

Qikz wrote:Got 5 matches today on Bumble. :cool:



Now wait for the awkward chit chat!

Seriously, I havent a sodding clue with these aps. I have tried all sorts but it never seems to work to get them on a date.

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RichardUK
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade's Tortoise
by RichardUK » Fri Aug 03, 2018 12:59 am

When I first started dating I used a site called chat avenue and got loads of dates from that, I’d imagine now with these apps it’s even easier

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Rightey
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3
by Rightey » Fri Aug 03, 2018 3:59 am

jimbojango wrote:Thanks for all the responses - they are all usefull to me, we are all human after all no matter our age or experiences.

I’m considering it might be me, and depression is clouding my judgement. I will still have the conversation with her about how I’m feeling, accepting it might not go well.

I’m terms of the burden reference, until a couple of years ago we earned roughly the same but she was promoted ( we work in the same big organisation) and after that she has regularly pointed out I’m not contributing the same. My health also hasn’t been that great over the last year or so, I’ve had respiratory and skin problems. Stress might have been a contributing factor in that I guess.

Still, I’ve been reading about Stoicism- and the advice there seems to be suck it up and improve myself. Maybe this is just a mid life crisis (I’m 40), and I should hit the gym, take up lots of activities and make more of my life outside my marriage? Is that a plan or is it me running away from my feelings? Does it matter?

I do feel better from having aired this on a games forum, so again I feel grateful to have this place. Thanks forumites.


If you are depressed that is definitely something that you should try to take care of, and perhaps consider working on before resorting to divorce. While going through a divorce can be very hard on children, research suggests the impacts can be lessened by a few factors, like how good the relationship between parent and child was before the divorce, and the mental state of the parents. A parent who has depression will be less able to give children the support they need and will make adjusting harder for the children.

I'm no expert on the subject of depression, but perhaps as you suggested getting some hobbies, especially those that make you more physically active might help with how you feel. Playing sports or going to the gym would give you some exercise that could help reduce your stress and hopefully help with your health as well.

Regarding getting belittled for health problems, I really don't think that is healthy. If you havn't already I would really take that issue up with your wife, what she's doing may seem completely obvious to you, but in some cases people can be jerks without realizing it.

Pelloki on ghosts wrote:Just start masturbating furiously. That'll make them go away.

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