Relationships Thread

[Gently-Parted Ringpiece]

Of course you can just cut off a mate. Easily done.

Move out and go radio silence. Problem solved.

[DML]

The mistake here was as soon as you went FWB. Once you've done that, Pandora's Box is open (oi oi!). You can't go back to just friends after that.

[Gandalf]

How did she see the message? Was she going through your phone?

What I was thinking?!

[Tafdolphin]

I was showing her another message thread and she noticed. It wasn't an eagle eyed spot, she'd been monitoring my conversations. The way she found out about the date in the first place was when she, yes, took my phone and looked through it when I was in the toilet. Twice in fact, the second time immediately after she told me she been through my phone and I left the room for a few moments to get something.

As for it being the worst thing I've ever done put it like this: two days after it happened, I messaged the girl who my meeting caused my friend to attempt suicide. While my friend was still at home. That's how my friend, and I, came at it.

As for moving out, I can't. My last job contract just finished and I'm currently unemployed. The house I'm in now is a steal rent wise, and anything else will be at least another third more expensive.

[Moggy]

As for it being the worst thing I've ever done put it like this: two days after it happened, I messaged the girl who my meeting caused my friend to attempt suicide. While my friend was still at home. That's how my friend, and I, came at it.

That's not the worst thing you have ever done though. It is not your fault that your friends is mentally unstable and is attempting suicide just because you are arranging a date. You are not in a relationship with this girl, there is nothing wrong with you arranging a date.

[Gently-Parted Ringpiece]

Try locking your phone or not living with an actual mental case.

[Gandalf]

Taffy

So, if you know she goes through your phone, why don't a. lock the bloody thing, b. why isn't the phone on you? Mine's on my person throughout the day, c. Tell not to touch your phone again. Good friend or not, I certainly don't want ANYBODY else going through my phone and I don't even have anything to hide. I 'tend to see it as a personal appliance for my use.

[Moggy]

I 'tend to see it as a personal appliance for my use.

[degoose]

I was showing her another message thread and she noticed. It wasn't an eagle eyed spot, she'd been monitoring my conversations. The way she found out about the date in the first place was when she, yes, took my phone and looked through it when I was in the toilet. Twice in fact, the second time immediately after she told me she been through my phone and I left the room for a few moments to get something.

As for it being the worst thing I've ever done put it like this: two days after it happened, I messaged the girl who my meeting caused my friend to attempt suicide. While my friend was still at home. That's how my friend, and I, came at it.

As for moving out, I can't. My last job contract just finished and I'm currently unemployed. The house I'm in now is a steal rent wise, and anything else will be at least another third more expensive.

Ok the phone bit for me is really bad, that's pushing boundaries i think to far and is out of order and is an untrustworthy action. Judging by the responses on here it looks like quite a few of us agree though that she isn't really your responsibility but i also do think that going through your phone is a bit crazy. You are allowed to have another life.

[Tafdolphin]

I actually did lock my phone. She looked over my shoulder and memorised the lock pattern. That was today though, and she never got around to using it. When she took my phone initially it was unlocked as I never thought she'd do that. I couldn't even get angry because she was so freaked out.

I know there's a case of emotional blackmail here, but I promised I wouldn't talk to this girl. Now I don't know. I don't know and I have neither my friends nor potential partner. If it was a close cut case of never seeing the former again things would be simpler bit it's not, not to mention all the mutual friends.

[Death's Head]

Solution is simple Taf, marry her. That way she is happy and you can watch over her and make sure she is OK.

[Heskimo]

I agree with what Dan. said on the matter, and many of the others in here, so I won't go over the points that have already been said.

Just wanted to add - you consider her one of your best friends, yet she's happy to both go through your personal messages and then also use them against you in an unreasonable and selfish manner. You've really got to think about how good of a friendship that is.

She's obviously got some issues as you're surely well aware, so it's hard to say how rationally she's thinking, especially if she attempted suicide over something like this. I'm sure you could try and justify it to yourself by saying you shouldn't have broken your "promise", but I personally think that the promise you made was out of fear for your friendship ending and her emotional stability rather than being a promise you could actually uphold (or even be expected to).

[Moggy]

I miss the Taf that would punch toilet walls and get silly tattoos.

[Tafdolphin]

Ha! I never thought I'd say it but I miss him too.

I care about this friend so much that I was willing to essentially neuter myself for 4 months. But it wasn't enough. And when I do date, she becomes wreckless with her own life (I think it was more a cry for attention than a straight up suicide attempt but an extremely dangerous one). I miss her already, and the thought of her trying anything like that again is horrible. But even the small distance I've gotten this evening is giving me perspective. I still don't know what to do though.

Thanks for the replies though guys. They've genuinely helped.

[Gently-Parted Ringpiece]

You travelling folk are weird

[bigcheez2k3]

You travelling folk are weird

Surely he could just move the caravan while she's gone.

[degoose]

Ha! I never thought I'd say it but I miss him too.

I care about this friend so much that I was willing to essentially neuter myself for 4 months. But it wasn't enough. And when I do date, she becomes wreckless with her own life (I think it was more a cry for attention than a straight up suicide attempt but an extremely dangerous one). I miss her already, and the thought of her trying anything like that again is horrible. But even the small distance I've gotten this evening is giving me perspective. I still don't know what to do though.

Thanks for the replies though guys. They've genuinely helped.

Hope we can help as we can be pretty blunt with responses but maybe that's a good thing. In regards to what to do though i would be tough on the situation and just say that we she did was out of order and not what a friend would do. I would also be quite to the point that she pretended to be fine with everything for months so how were you to know how she would feel ( for some stranmge reason women seem to want guys to be psychic about everything) Going forward if this is the way she acts though when she doesn't get what she wants relationship wise then maybe she should get some help. Her actions really don't sound like the actions of a stable and sane person.

[Tafdolphin]

Just spoke to my dad. He's a criminal solicitor and basically told me I was recounting a textbook battered-wife situation, with me rather embarrassingly playing the wife.

I don't know. Right now I know my friend is literally crying herself sick somewhere which makes me feel so bad I sort of feel sick myself. On the other hand, I know I can't take responsibility for that. Basically I want it all, the dating and the friend and that's simply not going to happen.

[That's not a growth]

If she's your friend why can't she be happy for you and let you see someone else? That's not friendship. That's controlling.

[Floex]

Because she obviously likes him and is finding it hard to move on. She couldn't be going about it the worse possible way, mind. The going through the phone business is a complete violation of privacy and memorising pin codes? Crazy stuff.

Seriously, the whole living situation is only going to get worse.