Relationships Thread

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Ad7
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PostRe: Relationships Thread
by Ad7 » Mon Feb 02, 2015 1:27 pm

Good job she doesn't know about your fiancée!
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PostRe: Relationships Thread
by degoose » Mon Feb 02, 2015 1:46 pm

Tafdolphin wrote:Long one incoming. Not really looking for advice (except towards the end), just need to get it off my chest.

So I have a friend over here. I'm in Melbourne for those that don't know. I have plenty of drinking friends and guys I'd hang out with for the day but but she was my one real "can hang around with day in day out" friend. We briefly entered into a FWB thing right at the start but decided to drop it once we decided to move into the same house.

Fast forward 4 months and she admits she had feelings for me and had been feeling terrible for the past month. I tell her she's my best friend but nothing more. She accepts, life continues. Then one night we'd been drinking and she explodes, goes off in an incoherent rage about how much pain she's in. We sort this out temporarily but these outbursts continue. We try everything but we establish that the only thing that would make her feel better is me starting a relationship. I concede to not actively try looking for a girlfriend to meditate things. Not the best of ideas, but I can't tell you how much this girl meant to me.

However, eventually I get lonely. I'm talking another couple of months celibate here. I restart my tinder. We discuss it and she's fine with it. I organise a date, not going out of my way to tell her but she finds out anyway. This was a few days ago. Another meltdown. She leaves the house apparently for good. I go on the date because I'm sad and lonely. Annoyingly it goes shockingly well. I get out of it and check my phone... There's a flurry of messages that I hadn't seen, the last one being a Facebook message from her best friend in Canada. She'd gone back to our house, drunk, and taken all the pills she could find. I check my messages and there's about 20 from her slowly getting less and less coherent.

I get home, she's taken a lot but, long story short, is OK after a long strawberry floating night. I spend the next day nursing her back to health, more or less. She has a holiday booked for 2 weeks time so she decides to leave the house, stay at a friend's and go on holiday, cutting contact to with me try and get some distance and see how that goes.

So we get to tonight. In a moment of weakness (mid-shite actually) I message the girl from the date. Nothing serious, just hello. My friend sees the message, freaks out. I feel awful. I mean, it was probably the stupidest thing I've done, possibly ever. I'm terrified of letting her leave in her current state so we talk it out, there's no answer but we both seem calmer. She leaves as planned but not before making me promise to never talk to date girl again. I agree.

So yeah. It's been a strawberry floated up few days and I'm now lonely, sad and confused. I miss my friend already, I can't emphasize that enough. She was one of my best friends, ever. I strawberry floated up something terrible with the text and have lost both her and the date girl.

I promised not to talk to the latter. Promised. If I went back on this and my friend found out there's a real chance she'd try to take her life again. But it's gooseberry fool. It's strawberry floating gooseberry fool and I hate it. Tonight was one of the worst nights of my life.

OK. As you were.


Sounds bad but my first thought is that she isn't your responsibility. It's not your fault she has issues and was she like this before getting involved with you. It sounds pretty harsh on her to be lumping you with resolving her mentality issues.
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PostRe: Relationships Thread
by Dual » Mon Feb 02, 2015 1:47 pm

When she goes on holiday move away and cut all connections with her. Time to start again.
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PostRe: Relationships Thread
by Fries. Wedges. Crisps? » Mon Feb 02, 2015 1:50 pm

Taf, it sounds to me like you need to get her some professional help - and you need to get her out of your life, fast.

Regardless of how much you want her as your friend, if she feels that strongly about this, it's clear that your relationship with her is not going to let you progress in your own life. You feel guilty for messaging another girl? As a single man? That's messed up. That's emotional blackmail. You being the one to bring her back around after these meltdowns is not going to help: 1) her, because she is still emotionally dependent on you 2) you, because you're still 'best friends' and now feel responsible for her state of mind.

Tafdolphin wrote:I can't tell you how much this girl meant to me.


And yet you don't want to be in a relationship with her? But she clearly does; so much so that she's looking to end her life if she can't have you?

Either you or she needs to leave the house. It sounds like a really shitty situation to be in, but if you continue to live together her feelings aren't going to subside, which evidently puts her in danger.

Tafdolphin wrote:In a moment of weakness (mid-shite actually) I message the girl from the date. Nothing serious, just hello. My friend sees the message, freaks out. I feel awful. I mean, it was probably the stupidest thing I've done, possibly ever.


You said hello to someone via text message while you were having a dump, and this was the stupidest thing you've ever done?!?

This is not a liveable situation. You need to get out of it some way or another. You are not responsible for this person, no matter your emotional connection; even less so that you are clearly not in a relationship with this girl. You're both going to end up worse off if you try and make what you have now work. Sorry to be blunt but if the situation is exactly as you tell it then carrying on as you are will lead to bad news.
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PostRe: Relationships Thread
by Floex » Mon Feb 02, 2015 1:54 pm

It's one of Taf's best mates, he can't just cut her off.

Though if she is coming back, no way should you two live together again. If you two do sort your issues out, you've got tell her she can't be hitting the pills when something goes wrong. You can't be having that over your head, worrying about going on a date just in case she does something stupid.
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PostRe: Relationships Thread
by bear » Mon Feb 02, 2015 1:56 pm

How did she see the message? Was she going through your phone?
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PostRe: Relationships Thread
by Gently-Parted Ringpiece » Mon Feb 02, 2015 2:00 pm

Of course you can just cut off a mate. Easily done.

Move out and go radio silence. Problem solved.
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PostRe: Relationships Thread
by DML » Mon Feb 02, 2015 2:09 pm

The mistake here was as soon as you went FWB. Once you've done that, Pandora's Box is open (oi oi!). You can't go back to just friends after that.
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PostRe: Relationships Thread
by Gandalf » Mon Feb 02, 2015 2:33 pm

bear wrote:How did she see the message? Was she going through your phone?


What I was thinking?!
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PostRe: Relationships Thread
by Tafdolphin » Mon Feb 02, 2015 3:04 pm

I was showing her another message thread and she noticed. It wasn't an eagle eyed spot, she'd been monitoring my conversations. The way she found out about the date in the first place was when she, yes, took my phone and looked through it when I was in the toilet. Twice in fact, the second time immediately after she told me she been through my phone and I left the room for a few moments to get something.

As for it being the worst thing I've ever done put it like this: two days after it happened, I messaged the girl who my meeting caused my friend to attempt suicide. While my friend was still at home. That's how my friend, and I, came at it.

As for moving out, I can't. My last job contract just finished and I'm currently unemployed. The house I'm in now is a steal rent wise, and anything else will be at least another third more expensive.
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PostRe: Relationships Thread
by Moggy » Mon Feb 02, 2015 3:08 pm

Tafdolphin wrote:As for it being the worst thing I've ever done put it like this: two days after it happened, I messaged the girl who my meeting caused my friend to attempt suicide. While my friend was still at home. That's how my friend, and I, came at it.


That's not the worst thing you have ever done though. It is not your fault that your friends is mentally unstable and is attempting suicide just because you are arranging a date. You are not in a relationship with this girl, there is nothing wrong with you arranging a date.
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PostRe: Relationships Thread
by Gently-Parted Ringpiece » Mon Feb 02, 2015 3:09 pm

Try locking your phone or not living with an actual mental case.
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PostRe: Relationships Thread
by Gandalf » Mon Feb 02, 2015 3:09 pm

Taffy :fp:

So, if you know she goes through your phone, why don't a. lock the bloody thing, b. why isn't the phone on you? Mine's on my person throughout the day, c. Tell not to touch your phone again. Good friend or not, I certainly don't want ANYBODY else going through my phone and I don't even have anything to hide. I 'tend to see it as a personal appliance for my use.
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PostRe: Relationships Thread
by Moggy » Mon Feb 02, 2015 3:10 pm

Gandalf wrote:I 'tend to see it as a personal appliance for my use.


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PostRe: Relationships Thread
by degoose » Mon Feb 02, 2015 3:15 pm

Tafdolphin wrote:I was showing her another message thread and she noticed. It wasn't an eagle eyed spot, she'd been monitoring my conversations. The way she found out about the date in the first place was when she, yes, took my phone and looked through it when I was in the toilet. Twice in fact, the second time immediately after she told me she been through my phone and I left the room for a few moments to get something.

As for it being the worst thing I've ever done put it like this: two days after it happened, I messaged the girl who my meeting caused my friend to attempt suicide. While my friend was still at home. That's how my friend, and I, came at it.

As for moving out, I can't. My last job contract just finished and I'm currently unemployed. The house I'm in now is a steal rent wise, and anything else will be at least another third more expensive.


Ok the phone bit for me is really bad, that's pushing boundaries i think to far and is out of order and is an untrustworthy action. Judging by the responses on here it looks like quite a few of us agree though that she isn't really your responsibility but i also do think that going through your phone is a bit crazy. You are allowed to have another life.
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PostRe: Relationships Thread
by Tafdolphin » Mon Feb 02, 2015 3:20 pm

I actually did lock my phone. She looked over my shoulder and memorised the lock pattern. That was today though, and she never got around to using it. When she took my phone initially it was unlocked as I never thought she'd do that. I couldn't even get angry because she was so freaked out.

I know there's a case of emotional blackmail here, but I promised I wouldn't talk to this girl. Now I don't know. I don't know and I have neither my friends nor potential partner. If it was a close cut case of never seeing the former again things would be simpler bit it's not, not to mention all the mutual friends.
Last edited by Tafdolphin on Mon Feb 02, 2015 3:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Goat wrote:Guy probably decided not to show up because he heard Taffy was a Cow-exploding fantasist mentalist.

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PostRe: Relationships Thread
by Death's Head » Mon Feb 02, 2015 3:23 pm

Solution is simple Taf, marry her. That way she is happy and you can watch over her and make sure she is OK. :nod:
Yes?
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PostRe: Relationships Thread
by Heskimo » Mon Feb 02, 2015 3:31 pm

I agree with what Dan. said on the matter, and many of the others in here, so I won't go over the points that have already been said.

Just wanted to add - you consider her one of your best friends, yet she's happy to both go through your personal messages and then also use them against you in an unreasonable and selfish manner. You've really got to think about how good of a friendship that is.

She's obviously got some issues as you're surely well aware, so it's hard to say how rationally she's thinking, especially if she attempted suicide over something like this. I'm sure you could try and justify it to yourself by saying you shouldn't have broken your "promise", but I personally think that the promise you made was out of fear for your friendship ending and her emotional stability rather than being a promise you could actually uphold (or even be expected to).
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PostRe: Relationships Thread
by Moggy » Mon Feb 02, 2015 3:33 pm

I miss the Taf that would punch toilet walls and get silly tattoos. :(
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PostRe: Relationships Thread
by Tafdolphin » Mon Feb 02, 2015 3:48 pm

Ha! I never thought I'd say it but I miss him too.

I care about this friend so much that I was willing to essentially neuter myself for 4 months. But it wasn't enough. And when I do date, she becomes wreckless with her own life (I think it was more a cry for attention than a straight up suicide attempt but an extremely dangerous one). I miss her already, and the thought of her trying anything like that again is horrible. But even the small distance I've gotten this evening is giving me perspective. I still don't know what to do though.

Thanks for the replies though guys. They've genuinely helped.
Goat wrote:Guy probably decided not to show up because he heard Taffy was a Cow-exploding fantasist mentalist.

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