Relationships Thread

[Outrunner]

Well, things are now pretty much over. My wife has gone, picked up her stuff and will be moving into a flat this week.

Actually sorting stuff out has been pretty amicable. We've only argued once. We've split the savings, I got the lions share which she was happy with. I also got the lions share of the money in the current account and she has since paid me what she owed on bills etc.

Emotionally I'm all over the place, hurt, upset, numb, borderline suicidal at points (I'm not going to but the thoughts are there). Angry too. Not at her which no one seems to get (and to be honest I don't really). But I am at him. I've never felt so much bile and hatred towards one person and I hope I never run into him because I've no idea what I'd do.

I'm lurching from major life decision to major life decision - one minute I'm planning on travelling, the next moving, then quitting my job - I'm dreading going back to work fully. The admin side is fine, it'll be working with the public that's going to be a bitch.

I keep thinking things will get better and I'm trying to do stuff I enjoy but if I'm honest it's just going through the motions. I'm on anti-depressants and getting counselling but every day is just counting down the hours until I can go back to bed. Even when I'm doing stuff all I'm really doing is picking apart the relationship from beginning to end to try and figure out what the hell happened.

And this is what's driving me crazy. I don't get how, in the space of a month, she went from looking at me like she adored me, telling me and him that she could never leave me to suddenly deciding she doesn't love me. We've talked and talked but she says she doesn't understand what has happened either, just that Leon gets under her skin.

She's at least apologised and is admitting to making bad decision after bad decision. She says she would like to be in a relationship with him even though he's said he doesn't want one with her (because he couldn't trust her). They've decided to go the friends with benefits route. Only living together in her flat (currently he's living in a shed at the bottom of his parents garden). She admits these are all stupid decisions but she can't help herself around him.

And through it all I keep strawberry floating defending her, I still love her and I would take her back in a heartbeat. I know it makes me stupid, I know it makes me a soft touch but I can't help it. I'm under no illusions, I doubt that she'll come back but I just can't imagine a future without her.

[Cuban Pete]

sorry to hear all that. You seem pretty switched on about it all, despite the difficult feelings.

[OnlyShallow]

Well, things are now pretty much over. My wife has gone, picked up her stuff and will be moving into a flat this week.

Actually sorting stuff out has been pretty amicable. We've only argued once. We've split the savings, I got the lions share which she was happy with. I also got the lions share of the money in the current account and she has since paid me what she owed on bills etc.

Emotionally I'm all over the place, hurt, upset, numb, borderline suicidal at points (I'm not going to but the thoughts are there). Angry too. Not at her which no one seems to get (and to be honest I don't really). But I am at him. I've never felt so much bile and hatred towards one person and I hope I never run into him because I've no idea what I'd do.

I'm lurching from major life decision to major life decision - one minute I'm planning on travelling, the next moving, then quitting my job - I'm dreading going back to work fully. The admin side is fine, it'll be working with the public that's going to be a bitch.

I keep thinking things will get better and I'm trying to do stuff I enjoy but if I'm honest it's just going through the motions. I'm on anti-depressants and getting counselling but every day is just counting down the hours until I can go back to bed. Even when I'm doing stuff all I'm really doing is picking apart the relationship from beginning to end to try and figure out what the hell happened.

And this is what's driving me crazy. I don't get how, in the space of a month, she went from looking at me like she adored me, telling me and him that she could never leave me to suddenly deciding she doesn't love me. We've talked and talked but she says she doesn't understand what has happened either, just that Leon gets under her skin.

She's at least apologised and is admitting to making bad decision after bad decision. She says she would like to be in a relationship with him even though he's said he doesn't want one with her (because he couldn't trust her). They've decided to go the friends with benefits route. Only living together in her flat (currently he's living in a shed at the bottom of his parents garden). She admits these are all stupid decisions but she can't help herself around him.

And through it all I keep strawberry floating defending her, I still love her and I would take her back in a heartbeat. I know it makes me stupid, I know it makes me a soft touch but I can't help it. I'm under no illusions, I doubt that she'll come back but I just can't imagine a future without her.

You need to sort this out before you can really move on. There is no point being angry at him and all forgiveness for your wife. Your wife is the one who strawberry floated you over here, not him. Your wife is a self centred banana split. Accept that fact. You trusted her and she took advantage of that. As for him, he was just being a single bloke.

I'll say it again. Your wife is a banana split and she lied and cheated on you. She strawberry floated the first guy who showed an interest in her. She knew this would destroy you but she still did it. She is a banana split. Stop wasting time thinking about her. She is a banana split. Even the other guy won't touch her with a barge pole, because he knows that, yup, she is a banana split.

She is a banana split.

[Rocsteady]

Quality post OS. And entirely true.

[Joer]

It's things like OS' post that keep me going and not trying to win her back. She was a banana split once, she will be a banana split again.

[Victor Mildew]

Serious gooseberry fool going on here, out runner

Snake with tits, cold, dead, heartless tits.

You can use OS's experience as a blueprint for this sort of thing (sadly). I think he's currently in the LOL IVE HAD MY FUN NOW TAKE ME BACK BUT YOU BETTER NOT HAVE SHAGGED ANYONE ELSE phase.

[OnlyShallow]

Serious gooseberry fool going on here, out runner

Snake with tits, cold, dead, heartless tits.

You can use OS's experience as a blueprint for this sort of thing (sadly). I think he's currently in the LOL IVE HAD MY FUN NOW TAKE ME BACK BUT YOU BETTER NOT HAVE SHAGGED ANYONE ELSE phase.

I'm hoping that's a typo.

My current gf is, by far, the most highly sexed (and broad minded) girl I have ever known. And I have known a lot of girls over the years. It is strawberry floating fantastic

I've had some of the best of times since splitting up with my wife. Which I never thought would happen when I first found out about Brandon. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

[Outrunner]

This is the 10th time I've tried to reply to this (more if you count figuring out a response in my head) so I don't sound rambling or incoherent or confrontational or whatever. I've decided to just get the words down in whatever form they take and hope you all don't hate me

I know what my wife has done is wrong and I know she bears responsibility in this. I'm angry about what has happened but except for a couple of specific things I just can't get angry with her. Believe me I've tried, I've tried to be angry at her, tried to hate her, I can't. I don't know why, I just can't. But just because I can't it doesn't mean I absolve her of any responsibility in this.

That said, I've always been of the mind that the other party in a situation like this (male or female) takes some of the responsibility. I'm not saying that from some misty moral high ground in the clouds. I've been close to being "that guy". This isn't a case of some single guy coming on to my wife and things just happening. This was a long term manipulation and game for him that I've seen before. I call it the "Lee" after an ex-friend of mine used the same trick time and again. He would only ever target girls/women in relationships. Move in as the friend, the sympathetic ear, the guy they could talk to. And then the undermining would start. And this is what I'm angry about and why I hate him. In the facebook messages I'd read there was exactly the same MO, undermining, criticising, backing off when he thought he'd gone to far, pushing the edge when he thought he could get away with it. So yeah, while my wife made her decisions and obviously has responsibility in this, I can't absolve him of blame and put it down to him being a single bloke particularly when he's a self-confessed arsehole.

Maybe my emotions are the wrong way round maybe I will get angry with her but I can't see me not being angry with me.

A few points for clarity:

When I say I defend her, I'm not saying what she did was ok, I'm trying to figure out what happened and there is some self blame going on. She has been the first to tell me I'm in know way to blame and this is all on her.

Even after everything I'm going to maintain she is not a bad person. She is taking ownership of it. She's being honest in saying that she doesn't think we'll get back together and she is genuinely heartbroken that she's done this to me. Yeah, yeah, that probably makes me a soft touch but I do know her and know in this she's telling the truth.

Cutting off contact is something we have pretty much done now. She's even done the hard things that I couldn't bring myself to like cutting ties on facebook (strangely it's the small things that I've found most difficult rather than splitting money from the bank etc). All I have is her phone number and that is just so we can sort out the divorce.

I don't think she's happy that I'm pining after her, I think she wants me to be able to move on, be happy and find someone else (I'm doubtful the last one will happen).

Ramble over and I'm sure I missed some things but I just typed it as it came into my head

[1cmanny1]

Quality post OS. And entirely true.

That is easier said then done. Even OS wanted to get back with his wife after she found Brandon. And we all told him exactly the same thing.

OR, don't even think about finding someone else atm. You are going to feel gooseberry fool for a while, it really is just waiting it out. Don't talk to her, and try and do things that can attempt to make you not spend every minute thinking about it.

[Rocsteady]

That's why the point he makes is so important though.

I'm sure with virtually every ex we've all had a period where we think we should get back with them, for however briefly - I still occasionally think I could get back with the lass I broke it up with a while back because the sex life was still really good and she is a fairly nice person. BT when I think it all through properly it would be a terrible idea.


Sometimes someone telling it like it is can help. And whatever undermining or whatever else took place, the simple fact is that in out runners case she decided to cheat despite knowing all the pain it would cause. Particularly when she must've known the effect it would have on his problems like social anxiety. It's a massive banana split move, and something so banana splitish can only really come from a prick of a person.

[Rocsteady]

I think the idea of not finding someone else straight aways a good one though. I've played about a little in the month or so I've been single but it really hasn't made me feel better, it always feel like I should be shagging more birds or hotter chicks or making more of an effort to meet new lasses. And I don't even want a new relationship.

[OnlyShallow]

Quality post OS. And entirely true.

That is easier said then done. Even OS wanted to get back with his wife after she found Brandon. And we all told him exactly the same thing.

Not quite. Before I found out she had actually slept with Brandon, I wanted to see if we could save the marriage. We were still together at this stage. As soon as I got the email from his wife telling me they had spent the weekend together that was it for me. Straight to the divorce lawyer.

[Outrunner]

Is it normal to lurch from one major life decision to another at this point? I'm all over the place. Over the last week I've decided I'm:

Quitting my job to start a new business

Buying a house

Quitting my job and going to university

Travelling around:

Japan (solo for the first time)
China (tour group)
South East Asia (tour group)
South Korea (sole or group tour)
Australia and/or New Zealand (solo)

[Green Gecko]

Not really, that could indicate mania, but some big changes to liven you up to alternatives and a fresh perspective, it depends if you can cope..

[Joer]

My ex text me yesterday saying she's sorry, misses me and wants to get back together to try again.

[degoose]

My ex text me yesterday saying she's sorry, misses me and wants to get back together to try again.

say nothing.

[Joer]

Alright, Ronan.

[PaperMacheMario]

My ex text me yesterday saying she's sorry, misses me and wants to get back together to try again.

[Joer]

Heart said yes, head said no.

I listened to my head.

[PaperMacheMario]

Heart said yes, head said no.

I listened to my head.

Seriously though, that's a really difficult, right decision to make. Good on you.