The Gandlaugh Thread

[Vermin]

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.

The bartender says, "Hey, why have you got a wheel stuck to your crotch?"

The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"

[Pilch]

*Knock knock*
"Who's there?"

"Bailiffs."

[Dangerblade]

*knock knock*
"Who's there?"
"Doctor."
*chortles* "Doctor Who?!"

"No, Doctor Harold Shipman." *stab*

[Hesk]

Why did little Sally fall off the swing?

Because she has no arms.

The follow-up jokes I heard a while back -

Why didn't Sally get back up?

Because she had no legs.

Why did no one help Sally up?

Because she had no friends.

Also -

Knock knock
Who's there?

The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your wife's dead.

I proper lol'd at the car park one!

[JK]

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

He was tied to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

[Shocker]

What's the worst thing about eating a vegetable?

Getting her back in the wheelchair afterwards.