The RAM Raider on Braid

RamRaider wrote:You must have heard of Braid. It’s an above-average but overpriced puzzle-platformer out for Xbox Live Arcade. Because it’s August and there’s not much about, and because Braid’s story was written by sixth-form philosophy students taking the piss, some people have got a little too excited about it. As a service to you, dear reader, we’re going to spare you from having to plough through the very worst efforts of a couple of reviewers by calling them up right here, right now.

First up, the Unreliable Eurogamer’s 10/10 review by Dan Whitehead:

“Its creative importance reminds me most of Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons' seminal graphic novel, Watchmen. Both are works of homage and deconstruction, commentaries on the way we interact with their respective media.”

Or maybe it’s just a puzzle-platform game, and has strawberry float all to do with a graphic novel.

“His mission is to find a princess. She's not a literal princess though, but a metaphor - the romantic cliché of that perfect soul mate as filtered through popular videogame motifs. In the context of Braid's melancholy mood, it becomes a bona fide commentary on the human condition.”

Still on the subject of the story (which really is awful), Whitehead goes on to recite straight from the pages of Things C**ts Say. We’ve italicised the offending portion:

“You can sprint past these sections, should you wish, but to do so means missing the point quite spectacularly. Surrender to the game's reflective intentions and it can be quite profound. I have no problem admitting that I found myself thinking about people and places that I'd not considered for years. Relationships that ended too soon. Some that went on far too long. Memories that no longer seem reliable. Others that are still painfully vivid.”

So see a strawberry floating shrink. And stop fiddling with yourself.

Anyway, the music – it’s quite basic, but fits the style of the game nicely. Or, if you’re a twat:

“Music box nursery rhymes play off against levels that explore the friction between childhood and adult freedoms.”

Brace yourselves now, readers, for you’re about to experience the holy grail of games reviewing. It’s… THE SENTENCE FROM HELL:

“You could argue that by using the doomed romanticism of an introspective male as its core that the game is treading clichéd creative soil but in a medium as emotionally stunted as videogames it still represents an enormous leap towards realising the potential of the form.”

And to round it all off, Whitehead rewards anyone who’s miraculously got to the end of the review without emptying both barrels of a shotgun into their own skull by throwing in one of the cuntiest entries from the Things C**ts Say canon:

“Still wondering if games can be art? Here's your answer.”

According to Whitehead, the answer is “10”. For anyone who isn’t a c**t, the answer is “no”.

Just so the usual crowd of green tea sipping hippies don’t start whinging to us that we’re picking on Whitehead / EG, here’s a cheeky little something from Xbox World 360’s Michael Gapper:

“In a world without Mario and Valve and the Bethesda hit factory Braid is indeed the best game ever made.”

That’s right, Gapper – and if your aunt had a big hairy pair of bollocks swinging between her legs, she’d be your uncle.

We were going to work our way down the list in MetaCritic to bring you more, but we’ve just given in to the compulsion to rip the sound card from our PC and flagellate our own faces with it.

Hero of Canton wrote:Are we certain he works for Future?

Alvin Flummux wrote::lol: Very amusing, reminded me of Zero P.

KKLEIN wrote:

Hero of Canton wrote:Are we certain he works for Future?

He's eluded to it once or twice. Chris from ONM seems to think it's Ed Zitron (sp?) from Zone.

kazanova_Frankenstein wrote:

Alvin Flummux wrote::lol: Very amusing, reminded me of Zero P.

Would be nice if we got a generation of jounalists that cynical

Hero of Canton wrote:Are we certain he works for Future?

Prototype wrote:

Hero of Canton wrote:Are we certain he works for Future?

Nah, I don't. Rik's just winding you up.

Also, article =

Prototype wrote:Was yankin yer chain, HoC.

Also, get your avatar back, I can't be annoyed at you with that one.

Green Gecko wrote::lol: Some hilarious stuff on that blog. I especially like the "Things banana splits Say" series and the quotes of pretentious Edge passages.