Re: The WWE RAW Report: 4th August 2014
Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 12:56 pm
WWE RAW RESULTS 8/4/14 wrote:
Location: Frank Erwin Center; Austin, Texas
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry "$9.99" Lawler and John "$9.99" Layfield
Hour 1
The entire Authority made their way out to open RAW. Triple H plugged SummerSlam on the WWE Network. It's available for $9.99 don't you know. Hunter said this could be the biggest SummerSlam in history. Triple H then started running down the card. It's $9.99. He then revealed that tonight on RAW there will be a Beat the Clock Challenge, with Dean Ambrose facing Alberto Del Rio, and Seth Rollins taking on RVD. The one who beats the clock the fastest getting to choose the stipulation for their match at SummerSlam. Stephanie then took the microphone. Crowd booed. She noted she was wearing cowboy boots. Later tonight the Contract Signing between her and Brie Bella will take place. Stephanie said if Brie gets out of line she will slap her so hard she will end up in a hospital bed beside her husband Daniel Bryan. Hunter continued running down the card, this time focussing on John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar. $9.99. Christ, they must be desperate. It was then Randy Orton's turn to discuss his match. I own his suit. He guaranteed to decimate Roman Reigns. Speaking of Reigns, he then interrupted and made his way through the crowd. Someone hugged Reigns in the crowd, the cameras pulling away and focussing on everyone in the ring for an extended amount of time. Reigns said despite the beating last week he was still standing. He vowed to then beat Randy Orton's arse for free...tonight. HHH ordered Reigns to calm down. He announced Reigns will instead face Kane in a Last Man Standing Match...next.
Match 1: Roman Reigns defeated Kane in a passable Last Man Standing match using a Spear. Kane's wig/hair extensions almost fell out. The commentator's meanwhile continued to spend the match re-iterating that the WWE Network is only $9.99. Over...and over...and over again.
There's a fan in the front row of the crowd dressed as Bray Wyatt who looks like Bray Wyatt. There's also a fan that's wearing a WCW Monday Night Jericho shirt from 1998 that got told to sit down by security...twice.
Lights Go Out by Fozzy is one of the official theme tunes for SummerSlam.
In an excellent video/interview feature package, they hyped John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar at SummerSlam. Brock Lesnar said that he is an ass kicking son of a bitch who doesn't give two gooseberry fools who he pisses off. He came back to be the WWE Champion and does not give a strawberry float who gets in his way. John Cena meanwhile said he does not want to talk about his successes, rather he feels fortunate to be where he is, and the reason he is where he is at is because he always looks forward. Cena continued that this will be the toughest match of his life. He repeatedly told Brock to 'come get some'. John wants to be the 1 who beat the 1. Lesnar said that if he had never left the WWE John Cena would be at home eating Fruity Pebbles rather than getting paid by them. Lesnar vowed to leave John Cena in a pile of blood, urine, and vomit.
I dunno if you know this or not but the WWE Network is only $9.99.
Boomer Sooner hit...everyone presumably expected Jim Ross. Instead they got Damien Sandow dressed in Oklahoma Sooners football gear. They're in Texas. Sandow then started screaming "Boomer Sooner".
Match 2: Hometown Hero Mark Henry destroyed Damien Sandow with the World Strongest Slam in 1.00. Commentators buried Oklahoma & got in various digs at Jim Ross.
Meanwhile in Vince Russo land, Adam Rose and his Rosebuds were backstage standing in front of the Oculus Mirror. We then got a dream sequence in which Rose looked into the mirror and turned into a 'lemon'...that is to say he was wearing a dull grey suit. Back in reality, they then all trotted off.
They revealed next week is RAW: A Hulk Hogan Birthday Celebration with Special Guests.
Hour 2
Match 3 - BEAT THE CLOCK: Dean Ambrose defeated Alberto Del Rio in 15:42 with Dirty Deeds. Apparently the WWE Network is available for $9.99.
We got a video recapping the last couple of week's programming and ensuing situation between Brie Bella and Stephanie McMahon.
Match 4: In a match that took place during the commercial break, Rusev (w/Lana) squashed Sin Cara in 1:00.
Lana sung Happy Birthday to President Obama in Russian. Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter then interrupted. Crowd chanted "USA!" Colter told Lana to shut up as he had had enough of listening to her shrill voice. He said no wonder Russian men drink so much vodka. Colter gets the truck to put up photos of Real Americans like Nick (a guy in a hard hat), Megan (a nurse) and the Military. As Rusev and Lana appeared to be leaving then jumped Swagger with the Russian flag and beat him down. Rusev turned his attention to Colter who was still in the ring...but Lana showed some compassion and led Rusev away.
JBL revealed the WWE Network will be available in the UK on October 1st.
Match 5: Dolph Ziggler pinned Cesaro off the ZigZag in 2:00 (yes, really). Neither of them received an entrance. After the match The Miz, who was on commentary, confronted Ziggler in the ring. Ziggler then attempted to kick the money maker but Miz ducked and dropped to the canvas.
$9.99.
Tom Phillips interviewed Paige backstage. She wished AJ Lee a speedy recovery. Paige said she admires AJ and it's a dream come true to face her idol at SummerSlam.
Match 6: Stardust and Goldust defeated Ryback and Curtis Axel when Stardust planted Curtis Axel with Dark Matter in 3:00.
In the RAW Office, Stephanie and Triple H were going over the contract for later when Kane stormed in. He then took his mask off (explains the dodgy hair earlier) and handed it to Stephanie, before leaving.
WWE Slam of the Week brought to you by Arby's. Think Subway...but with sandwiches. And by the looks of it more cheap, shitty hams.
Hour 3
The show is sponsored by the new Gillette Fusion Pro Glide. Looks like a Dyson. Guess we'll be getting that in a few months, then....
Match 7: Chris Jericho defeated Luke Harper (w/Erik Rowan) by Disqualification in 5:00 when Bray Wyatt ran in and attacked Jericho. Bray then jabbed his thumb into Jericho's neck (think Umaga) and dropped him with Sister Abigail. Per the stipulation however, Luke Harper is also now banned from ringside at SummerSlam.
AJ Lee 'RETURNS' tomorrow night on Main Event.
Match 8: Diego (w/Layla and Summer Rae) defeated Fandango (w/new dance partner Hornwoggle) in 1:00. I don't know how the match ended as I was too distracted by Layla's breasts. She's 37. You'd still marry her tomorrow. After the match Hornswoggle switched allegiances and started dancing with the others. Fandango then grabbed 'swoggle and threw him to the floor. El Torito jumped off the top rope onto Fandango. El Torito straddled Layla on the outside and started riding her. JBL almost said something on commentary but immediately thought better of it.
Randy Orton was interviewed by Renee Young in his locker room. The commentators were blatantly laughing amongst themselves about the prior segment. Orton said Reigns' will need his head on a swivel because he might kick it off.
Match 9: As the rotten wrestling continued, and in a rematch of a rematch, Bo Dallas rolled up R-Truth at 1:00 by using his gear for leverage. After the match R-Truth assaulted Bo Dallas on the outside but was pushed into the steps, allowing Dallas to nail the Bo-Dog off the stairs.
I have a puzzle for you. 9$9.9. See if you can put it together in the correct order.
Bray Wyatt cut a promo on the Tron. Absolutely nothing of note.
They re-aired the entire Brock Lesnar/John Cena package from earlier.
Right after RAW they plugged that they'll be airing John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar from Extreme Rules 2012 on the WWE Network.
RVD made his way out. Justin Roberts then revealed that The Authority had changed the main event to Seth Rollins vs. Heath Slater.
Main Event - BEAT THE CLOCK: Heath Slater rolled up Seth Rollins in 5:00 after Dean Ambrose came out and distracted Rollins by ripping up the Money in the Bank contract from the briefcase, and pouring coke & popcorn into the now empty briefcase. Ambrose then stole JBL's cowboy hat and chucked that into the briefcase too.
Over-run
Back from commercial, they revealed Dean Ambrose will announce the stipulation for his match at SummerSlam on SmackDown.
They re-aired highlights from Cena and Lesnar's Extreme Rules 2012 match.
There was a table set up in the ring as Stephanie McMahon and Triple H made their way out for the Contract Signing. Brie Bella then made her way out with her sister Nikki. Triple H said you can get the WWE Network for $9.99 and watch the historic match between Brie Bella and his wife Stephanie McMahon. Stephanie asked Brie if her puny, hippie-dippie husband was still recovering. They re-aired Stephanie getting arrested. Brie told Stephanie that she was going to embarrass her for the likes of Vickie Guerrero, Big Show, the Rhodes Family, and everyone else on the roster they have tortured week after week. Both women signed the contract. Stephanie said that she was going to tear Brie’s heart out at SummerSlam. Stephanie then blindsided Nikki with the contract case. Triple H then pushed the table back, trapping Brie in the corner. With Brie having no option but to watch on, Stephanie Pedigreed Nikki. Brie slapped Triple H in the face, who sold it like he'd just been shot. Stephanie, immediately coming to the aid of her husband, smashed Brie's face into the table and Pedigreed her too. Stephanie and Triple H then made out in the ring, before celebrating to take RAW off the air!