Hi, it's The R-Machine here again with another review, this time for the animated film Up. After looking at the poster there seems to be a dog, an old man, loads of balloons...if that dog doesn't end up banishing the old man to a parallel dimension via a portal opened when helium exits a balloon at the speed of light then I'm asking for my money back.
I overheard someone in front of me at the till in the supermarket saying you can see this film in 3D, so I emptied his basket and smacked him on the nose with the divider. I made my escape by surfing down the conveyor belt past the security guards. They were saying stuff like "Oy!" and "C'mere!", nowhere near as epic as my utterings of "Security guards are made of dough" and "Your job is on the bottom rung of a meaningless ladder, you sh*ts".
Money - check. 3D glasses - check. Snacks - check. I didn't have any of these items, so I would have to think of some other way of seeing the film at the cinema. It proved easier than leaving the rubbish out, all I had to do was wear a burgundy blazer, a name-tag that said "Cinema Manager", and slug everyone in sight in the eyes. The projectionist was a different matter, I had to kick him in the ear until he put the film on.
Wait! I don't have any popcorn! I ran down the aisle, bounced on a nearby trampoline and dived through the screen feet-first. You'll never guess what I saw on the other side...loads of people staggering about holding their eyes. What's their problem? One of them had a bucket of popcorn attached to his belt, so I lifted him up on my shoulders and told my neighbours that he was my son.