Your Sex disasters

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Igor
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PostRe: Your Sex disasters
by Igor » Fri Aug 22, 2008 12:14 am

I once let my (now ex) girlfriend stick her index finger up my pooper whilst she sucked me off. It wasn't until it was too late that we realised that she hadn't taken all her nail extensions off. And the heat must have loosened the glue.

Suffice to say, I shat it out the next morning... She didn't want it back.

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Jamo3103
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PostRe: Your Sex disasters
by Jamo3103 » Fri Aug 22, 2008 12:26 am

Brerlappins little hat wrote:not really a sex disaster, but the same ex, sometimes i used to purposefully do her from behind in her sitting room so i could look at the photos of her much more attractive sister on the mantelpiece :lol:


It has to be done :D My ex used to have a load of photos of her hotter, younger sister and some of her mates on the wall and the amount of times I used those as my motivation far surpassed the amount of times I used her :D

Fell asleep shagging that ex a few times as well, woke up to the sight of her lying there looking at me angrily and I was like "I wasn't asleep, I just had my eyes shut cos I was enjoying it that much" :fp: She did not believe me.

My only other real sex disaster was with a girl I was seeing briefly, we'd been mates at college and hadn't seen each other for a few years and got talking at a mates birthday. One thing led to another and we ended up back in a hotel, was going great until I was inside her and she grabbed my balls and started squeezing on them really strawberry floating hard. Needless to say I didn't carry on much longer, nor did I see her again after that - she was practically using them as a stress toy :shock:

Last edited by Jamo3103 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 1:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
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~Earl Grey~
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PostRe: Your Sex disasters
by ~Earl Grey~ » Fri Aug 22, 2008 12:34 am

The other day with my new girlfriend my balls were so swollen with lust, the pain made my lose my wood.

She wasn't too happy.

But yesterday she gave me 2 blowjobs and swallowed the whole lot. And I'd never been swallowed before - Christ, it were proper bo!

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Satan's Claws
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PostRe: Your Sex disasters
by Satan's Claws » Fri Aug 22, 2008 10:32 am

my stories are pretty tame, but my gf is pretty filthy(hence why i'm marrying her), so we get up to some excellent stuff. once she was rimming me(lovely stuff) and i did a wee pump(the wee quiet ones are the smelly ones), it didnt stop her for long though.

another time we were 69ing in a hotel room's wetroom on the floor, she came long before me so she got off and continued sucking ma knob from the side, as usual, i kept shtum about the impending departure fae ma bell end(she likes surprises), but she had stopped sucking(to lick the shaft)just as i was shooting and i shot my load all over my own face. thankfully the shower was on though. oh how we laughed.

i love this thread.

Rapidly-greying is SHITE at games
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Gandalf
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PostRe: Your Sex disasters
by Gandalf » Fri Aug 22, 2008 10:38 am

JNR wrote:
Shadow wrote:I once fell asleep during a foursome. :fp:


Did the other three fellas carry on anyway?


:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Drunken_Master
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PostRe: Your Sex disasters
by Drunken_Master » Fri Aug 22, 2008 10:58 am

JNR wrote:
Shadow wrote:I once fell asleep during a foursome. :fp:


Did the other three fellas carry on anyway?



:lol:

nice bit of pwnage there.

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abcd
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PostRe: Your Sex disasters
by abcd » Fri Aug 22, 2008 12:13 pm

Some very funny stories....

This one time I suggested to my missus that we leave the light on....

She said "no"

2 minutes later I was reading one of my favourite Tom Clancy books using a torch under the covers.

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I Believe In Stool Bloke
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PostRe: Your Sex disasters
by I Believe In Stool Bloke » Fri Aug 22, 2008 12:17 pm

That biscuit thing is strawberry floating gross :lol:. There is no way I would agree to that, no matter how drunk I might be at the time.

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Drunken_Master
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PostRe: Your Sex disasters
by Drunken_Master » Fri Aug 22, 2008 12:20 pm

Igor wrote:I once let my (now ex) girlfriend stick her index finger up my pooper


Albear?

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Green Gecko
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PostRe: Your Sex disasters
by Green Gecko » Fri Aug 22, 2008 12:56 pm

:lol: This thread is too much.

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Hulohot
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PostRe: Your Sex disasters
by Hulohot » Fri Aug 22, 2008 2:24 pm

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OnlyShallow
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PostRe: Your Sex disasters
by OnlyShallow » Fri Aug 22, 2008 2:46 pm

I was once sick on a girl's bed straight after sex. Then I went to find the toilet, naked, in her shared flat. Got lost and knocked on about 5 different doors trying to find her room again.

I gave up trying after a while and fell asleep on some stairs from the basement to the first floor (I had already peed on the stairs on an earlier pass). One of her flatmates and her boyfriend then found me and showed me where to go (which wasn't fcuk).

I then asked the girl why she was lying on the floor.

Alcohol was involved in this story.

The full details were posted on GR and I can't be arsed describing how the vomit had congealed in my hair again.

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Many Lives -> 49 MP wrote:People like you OnlyShallow are terrible banana splits. I hate you forever.
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OnlyShallow
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PostRe: Your Sex disasters
by OnlyShallow » Fri Aug 22, 2008 3:09 pm

Cuban Pete wrote:During a boozey one-night stand, I arrived at my destination well ahead of schedule, which was rather embarrassing but not to be put off I grabbed teh TV remote and finished her off with that


What make of remote was it? Just for future reference.

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Many Lives -> 49 MP wrote:People like you OnlyShallow are terrible banana splits. I hate you forever.
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Turok
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PostRe: Your Sex disasters
by Turok » Fri Aug 22, 2008 3:18 pm

~Earl Grey~ wrote:The other day with my new girlfriend my balls were so swollen with lust, the pain made my lose my wood.

She wasn't too happy.

But yesterday she gave me 2 blowjobs and swallowed the whole lot. And I'd never been swallowed before - Christ, it were proper bo!


Aren't you the token misanthrope who had abided to a sex-less life? Congrats on getting a girlfriend dude!

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JiggerJay
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PostRe: Your Sex disasters
by JiggerJay » Fri Aug 22, 2008 3:25 pm

Right my story, its quite tame compared to some of your stories, but then again i haven't been with that many people in that way! i have no shame in admitting that.

but anyway, the girl in question, my ex, we hooked up completely the wrong way, she was all over me from the first day i met her, and if you really know me, you would be like wtf is she demented... becuase seriously all joking aside, i am chud! but anyway the first night we did it, and i was nervous as strawberry float as it was my first time, and the bastard thing kept loosing its hardness! which in tern made the johnny slip off more than once, inside her. So i had to reach into her vagina and get it out, as i only had 1 johnny, as i never thought i was going to get laid, and did i mention that her vagina smells strawberry floating horrible! But for some reason, when we were doing it, i just could not get massivly excited for her, dont get me wrong i tore her apart, it just took some strawberry floating heart to do so, and i kept looking at my jessica alba - sin city poster... to get me through!

but physically sticking my hand in to get it out was strawberry floating horrid! she let out a few little moans, and i was saying to myself i aint doing this for your pleasure, this is to get my johnny back, i would dread to think of what kind of strawberry floating offspring we would produce if i dont get it back!

Skarjo wrote:You can buy all the fancy houses you want, we still remember you in a bath covered in ketchup for a free copy of CSI.

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chalkitdown
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PostRe: Your Sex disasters
by chalkitdown » Fri Aug 22, 2008 5:55 pm

I read this earlier on and thought you guys might get a kick out of it. :lol:

I'll post it here in case you can't read it unless you're a member there.

0utpost31 wrote:Fake names btw.....

I was at a session there about two months ago. Myself and friends hit the town, flootered, great craic, etc.

Went back to my mate Jimmys house, it was just three of us (males) drinkin away and the clock struck 6am and I said "strawberry float it jimmy I'm wrecked I'm kippin in your bed head to toe if you don't mind."

Jimmy said "yeh no worries" and conked on the couch on the spot in a sitting upright position.

Then my other friend Paddy said, "yeah I'm wrecked I'll hop in the bed too, Jimmy can stay on the couch, look at him he's bolixed, not gettin up".

I looked over at Jimmy. He was slowly slipping into sleepyland with each breath.

We left him in the sitting room.

So asleep we went. Head to toe. Nothin' wrong with sleepin in the same bed as mates, I've done it loads of times before. And I was in my own sleeping bag as well so I was extra protected from what was about to happen......

Ready?

So myself and paddy were in jimmys bed. I drifted off.... I started to dream.....

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

And I was awoken, gently, by a rhytmic squidgey sound with somebody breathing heavily "oooh ohhh yeah ohhh ohhhh yea ohhh my god ohhhh ohhh".

I opened my eyes, staring at the wall with the sound coming from behind me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. What the strawberry float was it? There was no way my two good mates were going at it, in the same bed as me, RIGHT BEHIND ME!!!!

I was 100% awake now, still staring at the wall in front of my face "oooh ohhh yeah ohhh ohhhh yea ohhh my god ohhhh ohhh" and I plucked up the courage to turn around and find out exactly what was goin on.

My mates can't be doing that can they. No way. They're the boys. The lads.

I turned around.

Jimmy had Paddys boner gripped tightly and was wanking the shyte out if it.

Paddy was the one screaming "oooh ooh ahh mmmm".

They didn't notice me turning around.

I turned right back around to the wall as quickly as possible as my mind raced 100mph.

"How the strawberry float do I get out of the room?" I thought.

Do I just tell them to stop?

No that's embarrassing.

This is embarrassing for me! What am I thinking! Of course they have to stop!

But I should just pretend I didn't notice until the morning. Yeah. That's it.

As horrible as it is I'll just wait till it's over and then go back to sleep....

And I wont mention a strawberry floating thing at breakfast...

I continued staring at the wall as the wanking started to die down.

Phew.

Sleep. At last.

****Tinkle****

"What the strawberry float was that????!!!!"

Suddenly, I heard a BELT BEING UNBUCKLED.

Ooooohhhh SHYTE!!!

SHYTE SHYTE SHYTE SHYTE SHYTE!!!!

The bed started to rock back and forth.

Paddy was being pushed up against me.

"I can't stay here any longer" I thought to myself, "I'm going to get jizz and gooseberry fool sprayed all over my face and all over my lovely new sleeping bag."

So I said strawberry float it. I got up. Without looking of course. And just walked out the door. They didn't stop.

I should have walked out in the first place but I really was in a state of shock. I've never even seen gay porn on a magazine or film, and to see gay porn for the first time ever in the form of my two good mates shagging right beside me....... strawberry float.

It's been two months now, and I've talked to paddy, barely. He says they only kissed. He says Jimmy started it.

I haven't talked to Jimmy since that night. It's been a good solid two months. We were good college mates. Lived together. Did the same classes as each other. Now nothing. He knows I know. And I know he knows I know.

What the strawberry float will I do? Will I call him and pretend nothing happened? Or should I ask him what the strawberry float was he thinking? Maybe we can have a chat about it.....

So what ya think?

Would you say anything to your mate?




Dear God. :lol:

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Nova
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PostRe: Your Sex disasters
by Nova » Fri Aug 22, 2008 5:59 pm

No. Just. No.

It....can't....be....

You have forever soiled my mind. I hope you're happy.

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PostRe: Your Sex disasters
by Sarge » Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:00 pm

Good Lord... :lol: :lol:

No-one is going to able to top that...NO-ONE. :lol:

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Qikz
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PostRe: Your Sex disasters
by Qikz » Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:01 pm

Oh my god, if that really happened I would of been out of the room like a shot, Why the hell would they do it RIGHT there next to another person sleeping in the room, that's just horrible.

:lol:

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PostRe: Your Sex disasters
by Sarge » Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:02 pm

StayingDead wrote:Oh my god, if that really happened I would of been out of the room like a shot, Why the hell would they do it RIGHT there next to another person sleeping in the room, that's just horrible.

:lol:


They were probably hoping he'd join in... :lol:


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