I believe that I'm suffering from depression, anxiety, or perhaps both. Maybe neither, could just be something else. I haven't received a diagnosis from a doctor.
For the past few months, I've felt as though a timer of some kind has been ticking away inside my mind, but down to what I simply don't know, but it puts me on edge most of the time, making me feel two steps away from a breakdown at any given moment. I find that I can't control my thoughts like I used to, and now I spend most of my days dwelling incessantly on my many failures, wrong turns in life, and other regrets. It's a constant mental feedback loop of misery. I try to write, but all I can come up with are stupid emo "poems" and letters to nobody in particular, or to my close friend Danielle, which she will ever read because why would I inflict that on her? I've tried putting my energy into writing a work of fiction, but all I can come up with is lore, and not, you know, stories or whatever.
I was able to keep my state hidden away from the missus for a good while, but lately I just can't any more. She tries her best to cheer me up, she has the biggest heart of anyone I've known and she does help, but as a near-lifelong sufferer of severe depression (and probably undiagnosed PTSD) herself, who has only in the last year been able to break free of its dark grasp, I'm deathly afraid of pushing her back down with my own problems. And that's just one thing that bothers me; I have troubling thoughts and questions regarding the most fundamental components of my life running about my head day and night that I'm much too scared to confront.
tl;dr, I'm just a sad man.
You can all go back to whatever you were doing now. I just needed to vent.