Bad Joke Friday | Jokes on you, these are great!

Fed up talking videogames? Why?
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andretmzt
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PostRe: Bad Joke Friday | Jokes on you, these are great!
by andretmzt » Fri Jul 05, 2019 2:28 pm

What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A new last name

HSH28 wrote:No Last Guardian.
No new exclusive PS4 games.
No longer free MP for PS4.

Microsoft win E3.
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IAmTheSaladMan
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PostRe: Bad Joke Friday | Jokes on you, these are great!
by IAmTheSaladMan » Fri Jul 05, 2019 2:31 pm

Did you hear about the old lady who saw her husbands penis for the first time in about 40 years?

She had a stroke

A guy goes to the bar and picks up a handful of peanuts one of the peanuts says to him "Wow, you've got a nice firm grip".

He then walks over to put a song on the juke box but after making his selection the juke box says "By god you've got gooseberry fool taste in music"

The guy goes to the bar to complain and the landlord "Ah yeah mate. You see the peanuts are complimentary but the juke box is bang out of order"

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Photek
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PostRe: Bad Joke Friday | Jokes on you, these are great!
by Photek » Fri Jul 05, 2019 2:33 pm

andretmzt wrote:What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A new last name

Debating whether to send this to my polish work colleague...

EDIT: She's not impressed.

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Grcades resident banana split.
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Corazon de Leon
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PostRe: Bad Joke Friday | Jokes on you, these are great!
by Corazon de Leon » Fri Jul 05, 2019 2:39 pm

A guy is travelling through the mountains of Russia. It's part a long held ambition to travel the world that, at the age of 40, finally overcame him. He sold all his earthly belongings, bought Eurostar tickets to France, and has hiked his way to the Ural Mountains. He has thoroughly enjoyed his trip, and has no regrets.

However, he falls ill while walking through the mountains, and finds a monastery to take refuge in. The monks are part of a religious sect that has long since died out elsewhere in the world, but they're very friendly, and accommodating. They put the man up in a comfortable room, and make sure that he is well cared for. The man is content to spend his recuperation time here, in the monastery, as he becomes strong enough to continue on his journey.

One night, not long before he leaves the monastery, he hears a sound coming from deep inside the walls of the nearby temple. It's a soft, tapping noise. The man can't quite place the sound - it's familiar, but also mysterious. He hears it night after night, and it drives him to distraction. He visits the elder monk, and asks what the noise is. "I cannot tell you my son," says the elder, "for you are not a monk." The man accepts this, and goes back to his room.

But the sound continues, and he becomes more and more obsessed by it. He visits the elder once again, and asks to be inducted into the order so that he can be shown the source of the mysterious sound. "Alas my son," says the elder, "to become one of us, you must first pass three tests. These will test your endurance, your intelligence, and your very spirit. They may break you."

By this point, the man is willing to do anything to find the source of the sound, so he accepts the challenges put forward to him by the elder. His first test is to visit the ruins of an Incan temple in the Peruvian highlands, and recover an artefact long since lost to mankind. The temple is not on any maps, and will prove to be extremely difficult to find. The man spends many months travelling around Peru, looking for clues as to where this temple, and the artefact within, are located.

Eventually he happens upon a fellow explorer, Robert Mason, who claims to have been to the temple. Together, they set out using the hand drawn maps that Mason has created and the notes of his previous deadly excursion, in which the lives of four men were lost. They reach the temple after six arduous weeks of walking through the highlands of Peru, and endure the many traps that have been set to stop people from looting the temple.

They find the artefact, but Mason loses his footing on the way out of the cavern in which the temple is situated. As he dangles over the edge, the man is forced to choose between the artefact and his new found friend. He reaches for Mason's outstretched hand but fate takes the reigns, and Mason slips to his death. The man returns to the monks, sobered by his experiences but solemn in his desire to finally know what the mysterious sound is.

He hands the artefact to the elder. "You have done well my son. I am proud that you have finally recovered our lost artefact." The man asks to be shown the source of the sound, and relays his terrible tale of loss. But the elder monk gently refuses his request, for there are still two more challenges to be faced. The man is devastated, but accepts his fate and asks for details of the second task.

"Now, you must travel to Northern Europe, and recover for us an ancient sword used by the Scandinavian conquerors of legend. It was lost in the frozen tundra of the North."

The man travels first to Stockholm, where he asks for information in the local underworld. He is pointed to Tromso, in the far northern reaches of Norway. Travelling to this small town on the edge of the Arctic Circle, he is told that he must wait out the winter in order to pass through the treacherous terrain leading to the recently discovered Viking settlement that the sword is believed to reside in.

The man spends his time well. He trains heavily, wrestling polar bears and running through the snow covered hills. He recruits a team of hardened arctic explorers, including Roald Gustafsson, a famous geographer, and his family. The man is accepted into Roald's family over the course of the next few months as the two men become like brothers.

Finally, the weather clears and the two men leave with their team to visit the Viking settlement. The sword is located under a frozen lake, and as the man prepares himself to swim, the camp is attacked by a team of armed mercenaries who have been paid to recover the sword for a private collector in the United States. "Go, my friend," shouts Roald. "We will hold them off!"

The man breaks the ice and jumps into the lake, as he hears the screams from the battle behind him. It takes some time, but he locates the sword of legend, and cautiously swims back to the surface. He is not prepared for what he sees. Roald is dead, having been shot through the heart by a harpoon. The mercenaries are nowhere to be seen, save for their dead, having apparently been forced to retreat. They have killed the man’s crack squad of explorers alongside Roald.

The man returns to Roald’s family and together they give him a proper burial. His resolve is complete. The second task has been accomplished, and given the great personal tragedy he has endured, surely he will be allowed to finally know the source of the sound that has driven him insane for two years, and has now cost the lives of so many men.

The man is wrong. The elder thanks him for retrieving the sword, and sympathises with his plight. He mourns the dead and prays for their immortal souls. But there is one more task to be completed before the man can be fully inducted into the monastic order, and understand truly what the source of the maddening sound is.

The elder advises him to travel to Asia and return with knowledge of an ancient medicine, lost to humankind for hundreds of years. Only then will his training be complete.

He travels for years. He visits holy cities across the continent, from Hue to Lhasa, but has no success. He walks the length of the Great Wall of China, and travels the continent from top to bottom, left to right, in his fruitless search for answers.

As he is about to give up, the man finds strength and courage to continue, happening upon a small village in Eastern Cambodia. There, he finds the answers that he has sought for so long.

The knowledge of this medicine will help humankind, and most importantly he will finally know the source of the sound that has plagued him for ten years now. The deaths of Roald and Robert Mason will not be in vain.

He travels back to the monastery. He gives up the information. The elder, by now a very old man, is truly proud. He will induct the first new monk to the society in several decades.

There is a ceremony, and the man finally feels true enlightenment. He approaches the elder at the end of the day. “Master,” he begins, “Thank you. I feel truly blessed. But I must know the answer to the question I have asked you so many times. What is the source of the sound that has obsessed me and haunted my dreams for so long?”

“Ah yes my son. Truly you deserve the answers you seek,” says the elder. He finally leads the man to a secret room, deep within the monastery, and the man falls to his knees weeping uncontrollably as he finally sees the source of the sound. Ten years of his life are finally vindicated, and the deaths of all those men were truly not for nothing.

And I’d tell you what it was, but I’m afraid you’re not a monk.

Last edited by Corazon de Leon on Fri Jul 05, 2019 2:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Blue Eyes
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PostRe: Bad Joke Friday | Jokes on you, these are great!
by Blue Eyes » Fri Jul 05, 2019 2:40 pm

Photek wrote:
andretmzt wrote:What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A new last name

Debating whether to send this to my polish work colleague...

EDIT: She's not impressed.

I think you just xenophobically abused her.

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Moggy
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PostRe: Bad Joke Friday | Jokes on you, these are great!
by Moggy » Fri Jul 05, 2019 2:41 pm

tl;dr

Edit: @ Cora

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Photek
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PostRe: Bad Joke Friday | Jokes on you, these are great!
by Photek » Fri Jul 05, 2019 2:42 pm

Blue Eyes wrote:
Photek wrote:
andretmzt wrote:What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A new last name

Debating whether to send this to my polish work colleague...

EDIT: She's not impressed.

I think you just xenophobically abused her.

Ah she’s chill just didn’t think it was funny.

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Corazon de Leon
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PostRe: Bad Joke Friday | Jokes on you, these are great!
by Corazon de Leon » Fri Jul 05, 2019 2:43 pm

Moggy wrote:tl;dr

Edit: @ Cora


:slol:

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LightWanderer
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PostRe: Bad Joke Friday | Jokes on you, these are great!
by LightWanderer » Fri Jul 05, 2019 2:47 pm

A priest and a pedophile had a meeting in a rundown motel.

The receptionist smiled and said you're the first person we've had in years. Will your client be arriving soon?

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Vermilion
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PostRe: Bad Joke Friday | Jokes on you, these are great!
by Vermilion » Fri Jul 05, 2019 2:48 pm

How do you wake a sleeping Saudi prince?

Give him a sheikh.

What did Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

icy dead people.

Did you hear about the guy who dislikes German sausages?

He always fears the wurst.

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Preezy
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PostRe: Bad Joke Friday | Jokes on you, these are great!
by Preezy » Fri Jul 05, 2019 2:50 pm

CORA FFS :fp:

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Blue Eyes
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PostRe: Bad Joke Friday | Jokes on you, these are great!
by Blue Eyes » Fri Jul 05, 2019 2:54 pm


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LightWanderer
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PostRe: Bad Joke Friday | Jokes on you, these are great!
by LightWanderer » Fri Jul 05, 2019 2:54 pm

What do Kim Kardashian and this joke have in common?

They're both trash

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Corazon de Leon
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PostRe: Bad Joke Friday | Jokes on you, these are great!
by Corazon de Leon » Fri Jul 05, 2019 2:56 pm

Blue Eyes wrote:https://natethesnake.com/

:lol:

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Dowbocop
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PostRe: Bad Joke Friday | Jokes on you, these are great!
by Dowbocop » Fri Jul 05, 2019 2:58 pm

Photek wrote:
Blue Eyes wrote:
Photek wrote:
andretmzt wrote:What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A new last name

Debating whether to send this to my polish work colleague...

EDIT: She's not impressed.

I think you just xenophobically abused her.

Ah she’s chill just didn’t think it was funny.

What's big, desperate, low on self esteem and has Photek inside?

Tomorrow's dole queue.

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LightWanderer
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AKA: AnOpenCasket
Location: Earth

PostRe: Bad Joke Friday | Jokes on you, these are great!
by LightWanderer » Fri Jul 05, 2019 2:59 pm

What did Mario say when he fell in love with the giant eel in Jolly Roger Bay?

That's a moray

What did Lemmy call Bowser Jr to make him cry?

A son of a Peach

What did Link say when he saved Hyrule?


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Moggy
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PostRe: Bad Joke Friday | Jokes on you, these are great!
by Moggy » Fri Jul 05, 2019 3:00 pm

Once upon a time, in the purple kingdom of Purpalon, there lived a purple king. One purple day this purple King, who was purply named Purple Purple the fifth, called his purple son, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth, over to his purple side.

"My purple son," the purple king said to purple prince Purple Purple the sixth, "in another purple kingdom a very short purple distance away there lives another purple king. This purple king has a purple princess that I think that you should marry. Here she is, the purple Princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia."

Purple prince Purple Purple the sixth, upon seeing the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, agreed to marry her. And so, one fine purple day, in the purple garden, Prince Purple Purple the sixth and stood by the purple altar and watched his purple bride-to-be, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, march down the purple aisle wearing a purple wedding dress and carrying a bouquet of purple flowers. Just as the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia reached the purple altar, however, an evil purple magician appeared and cast a purple spell on the purple princess. In a purply moment, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia had vanished.

"What have you done?" cried the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth.

"I have sent the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia to a purple cave in the purple mountain Mount Purpletop. There, in her purple cave, she is guarded by the purple dragon Purplefang. The purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia is purply safe there, but the purple dragon Purplefang, will not let her rejoin the purple kingdoms of Purpalon and Purplonia."

"You are purply insane," the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth said to the Purple magician, but the purple magician had vanished.

"What are you going to do, my purple son?" the purple king Purple Purple the fifth of Purpalon asked his son, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth.

"I am going to take my purple horse, Purple Lightning, and my purple sword, Purple Death, and go slay the purple dragon Purplefang and rescue the fair purple maiden the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia."

"May the purple God speed you well on your purple journey," the purple king Purple Purple the fifth of Purpalon purply blessed his purple son, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth. With that, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth got his purple sword, Purple Death, and his purple horse, Purple Lightning, and rode off to the purple mountain of Mount Purpletop and the purple cave thereon, in which lived the purple dragon Purplefang and his purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia.

The purple hero of this purple story, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, rode his purple horse Purple Lightning over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the purple mountain of Mount Purpletop and the purple cave thereon, in which lived the purple dragon Purplefang and his purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.

Eventually, the purple horse Purple Lightning got tired, so the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth carried his purple horse Purple Lightning over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the purple mountain of Mount Purpletop and the purple cave thereon, in which lived the purple dragon Purplefang and his purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.

Finally, the Purple prince Purple Purple the sixth reached the purple mountain Mount Purpletop. There, in a purple cave on top of the purple mountain, Prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon could see the purple smoke from the purple dragon Purplefang who lived in the purple cave in which the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia was a purple prisoner. Our purple hero, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, climbed the purple mountain Mount Purpletop and slew the purple dragon Purplefang as the purple beast slept purply. The purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon rescued the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. But their purple adventures were not yet come to their purple close. They still had to get home purple and sound.

So...

The purple hero of this purple story, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, and the newly rescued purple heroine, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, rode the purple horse Purple Lightning over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the same purple mountain of Mount Purpletop which in the purple cave thereon the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth slew the purple dragon Purplefang and rescued the purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.

Eventually, the purple horse Purple Lightning got tired, so the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth carried his purple horse Purple Lightning and the newly rescued purple heroine, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the same purple mountain of Mount Purpletop which in the purple cave thereon the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth slew the purple dragon Purplefang and rescued the purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.

Eventually, The purple hero of this purple story, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, got tired, so the newly rescued purple heroine, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, carried the purple horse Purple Lightning and the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. She crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the same purple mountain of Mount Purpletop which in the purple cave thereon the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth slew the purple dragon Purplefang and rescued the purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.

Purple alases and purple alaks, though, for it seems our purple heroes, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon and the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia got lost on their way home, for they wandered into the purple kingdom of an evil purple king, the evil purple king Purple Purponovov of Purplovia. This evil purple man had the purple heroes,the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon and the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, arrested and thrown into the purple dungeon. Just before the evil purple king Purple Purponovov of Purplovia threw them in, however, he said....

"Indigo."

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LightWanderer
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AKA: AnOpenCasket
Location: Earth

PostRe: Bad Joke Friday | Jokes on you, these are great!
by LightWanderer » Fri Jul 05, 2019 3:02 pm

Why did this joke cry?

It got squished by Moggy's textwall. Spoiler tag that crap

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OrangeRKN
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Location: Reading, UK
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PostRe: Bad Joke Friday | Jokes on you, these are great!
by OrangeRKN » Fri Jul 05, 2019 3:07 pm

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

Bartender takes one look and says "Is this some kind of joke?"

Witty biological-political hybrid jokes are the reason this place fails to cater to a wide audience
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IAmTheSaladMan
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Location: Sunderland

PostRe: Bad Joke Friday | Jokes on you, these are great!
by IAmTheSaladMan » Fri Jul 05, 2019 3:08 pm

The pope and an atheist are staging a televised debate on each other's beliefs.

The pope starts things off with "I believe an atheist is like a blind man, chasing a black cat around a dark room"

The atheist comes back with "Then we are not too dissimilar you and I"

Puzzled the pope asks "How so?"

The atheist retorts "Well I believe that you too are like a blind man, chasing a black cat around a dark room. The only difference between us is you think you've caught it"

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