Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

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Gemini73
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Gemini73 » Mon Oct 14, 2019 5:42 pm

Sorry to read of your loss, Mommy. Such a shame your wife isn't supportive at what is clearly a very difficult time. People can be quite selfish, particularly at the most inappropriate of times. As others have said, reach out to someone who might talk to her if she's unwilling to listen to you herself.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by False » Fri Nov 01, 2019 12:52 pm

hello,

I have been diagnosed as bipolar and the nhs have been pretty good

I have to take an antipsychotic with my antidepressant to level me out which is a shame as I was getting pretty high but I am informed this is a bad thing so now Im just levelled out

explains a lot of my past thrillseeking behaviour

my ex has been fine and then psycho and then fine and then psycho so Im just dealing with that as best I can

I have to see a nurse once a week to make sure I dont kill or hurt myself and she seems nice, shes referring me on for a load of other life aid services too

Im doing all my old sexually perverted stuff again but this time much more interestingly with the new social net I have, lots of wild strawberry floated gooseberry fool going down which really helps to pass the time

still here, still bubbling along, still looking for something but I dont really know what

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Green Gecko
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Green Gecko » Fri Nov 01, 2019 6:35 pm

Sorry if it's nosy but you have arrangements with the wife about sexual stuff yeah? Cos for me a relationship brought me a huge amount of stability I desperately needed.

Is the anti psychotic quetiapine? In low doses it helps "ensure" I actually sleep and don't go slowly mad without it but damn does if lock you down for a good 10 hours in my experience. I can't normally take it during the day or I'll just pass out at some point which is counterproductive. On the plus side I have only really had perhaps two anxiety attacks since taking it when I wasn't taking it as prescribed, one was really silly and I can't actually remember the other one. All in all over within 30 minutes or so which is good. I usually keep two in my wallet in case I feel something really bad coming on and I'm not coping in some some social situations or overloading environments. Honestly if I was working in an office I think I'd have to take twice as much. Actually, I did take it when I was doing some contract work but I got let go after 2 weeks for the usual bullshit reasons even though they knew my work was good. I can't focus in those environments no matter how hard I try.

I don't really get euphoric about much after long periods of depression either, as you say it can be as bad as a low because it can set you off on wild tangents and forget your basic needs like regular sleep, in my experience.

Oh I just remembered, it was when some goon at home base threatened to call the police and banned me because I asked for a return and refund on 3 small items under a tenner.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by False » Fri Nov 01, 2019 11:35 pm

what do you mean about arrangements with the wife? Im strawberry floating strangers again, sorry if that wasnt clear

I was taking something else but it was making me insanely shaky, I have restless legs anyway and it had me pacing and constantly tremoring so Im on quetiapine now instead, its back to the old zombie for the first 5 hours of the day thing that mirtazapines used to give me

I miss the euphoria tbh, at least that felt fun even if it wasnt useful

I was on a date tonight in the cinema and just spent the whole time thinking about my own mortality and then when I was driving home I nearly cried for no reason and then I dissociated, so Im not sure its working as intended just yet lol

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Green Gecko » Sat Nov 02, 2019 2:39 am

Oh, I missed the ex part. So I thought you were still together.

If quetiapine makes you feel drowsy during the day and its difficult to fight through it, try taking it all at night. It just pretty much guarantees I'll get 8-10 hours sleep. I stopped taking it during the day because it was just impossible to think properly and get anything done. Also by taking it consistently I built up my tolerance for it. Now it's possible for me to fight through it (which is bad as I take advantage of the side effect to go to sleep, I should be in bed now) in the evenings if I absolutely must because of some stupid crazy last minute job or my own procrastination or just because I want to keep playing a game or whatever.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by False » Sat Nov 02, 2019 11:10 am

yeah Im taking it at night but you get that proper sleep hangover, the one where you wake up and do something and then immediately fall asleep and forget you were ever up

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Green Gecko » Sat Nov 02, 2019 8:28 pm

Yeah it makes it way harder than it should be to get up and stay alert. But I'm OK with that as I can work midday into evening. I'd rather get the sleep I need than feel on edge and running on adrenaline randomly throughout the day. Over time that way I star to eventually feel like I haven't slept at all and my entire body starts to ache. Unfortunately like most pharmacology it's a balance of the good and bad. I've never tried propranolol or other beta blocker etc. but disassociation and general wandering off in my brain is not something I want to experience too often so I put up with it. That feeling that you're not connected to your hands or could just piss off anywhere mentally any minute and lose it is the strawberry floating worst. And with sleep deprivation, just stopping caring when days begin and end because you don't feel like you have any control over the energy available to you or how long you spend dwelling on this or that or daydreaming about weird gooseberry fool.

Mindfulness also helps, I think my brain has improved a bit for the better so maybe one day I won't depend on the meds to stay stable. But I don't exactly have the best faith in the world as my sensorium experiences it to keep me feeling safe and ready to take on whatever comes at me. And without so many highs from the peaks and troughs of depression I don't get inspired all that much to spontaneously pursue new ideas and make things. But when I am like that, generally if I'm low on the medicine, I'm not sleeping or there's been some big problem tipping me over I'll try doing lots of different things and finish none of them meaning that, I wasn't all that productive as a result.

I tend to slowly chip away at not crazy amount of goals these days which means that overall I'm more likely to achieve some of them.

I had a bad habit in the past of going a bit loco and furiously applying for things like jobs or tendering art projects and then backing out at the last minute, sometimes after I'd really gotten their interest because I suddenly realised how afraid I actually was of the risks and realities of going through with it, like having to travel 150 miles everyday or put this other thing on the backburner for some unknown amount of time. For example once I applied to a prestigious art school in Germany, got my references lined up and was all ready to ship my gooseberry fool over there in a crate and live and work in a combined studio/flat and my girlfriend just cried, I had completely forgotten what it actually meant upping sticks and going to some other world like that, what I would be leaving behind.

People who experience mania like that tend to have very similar experiences of getting super excited all of a sudden, like driving off into the sunset and ignoring/forgetting all the practicalities and logistics of life, which can obviously be a bit dangerous in the long term. It's hard to know when it's OK to go down the route and when it's time to sit down, eat lunch and watch TV and calm the strawberry float down. Been there so many times.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by False » Sat Nov 02, 2019 8:56 pm

Ive managed to bring myself off and live med free a few times these past couple of years but every incidence ends in my life falling apart, so I guess that means I need them

the dissociation feels like I just float up and out of my head, I obviously cant see myself from above but I definitely exist outside of my body but at the same time become more aware of what my senses are feeling? It sounds like it should be the opposite but it isnt, its an odd experience and I dont entirely hate it but it can be scary

the mania I agree on, you make all these mad plans or just go out and do mad gooseberry fool before you crash, or put yourself in positions where you then have to contact people and cancel once you realise you have to actually follow up. Most of my acting out is sexual for reasons I dont really know, so I can find myself in a lot of risky situations which can lead to a huge mood drop or increased mania

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