Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

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Curls
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Curls » Thu Sep 17, 2020 2:18 am

I feel odd tonight.

I've been going through somewhat of a mental state transmission these past few months, hell maybe past few years. I still don't know really if I'm doing the right thing or heading in the right direction. I think my issue is, I have lots of friendships, lots of quite close friends at times. But I don't have that deep connection with anyone, and I crave it so much. And don't know if I'm emotionally mature enough though. If I look at the people I've become closest too in the recent past. One was a mental case. The other I fell for too hard & both blew up in my face.
The former was for the best, and it taught me a lesson that it's OK to be disliked and I don't need to fix everything.
But the latter, although it wasn't the perfect friendship my mind says it was, it was still something very important and special to me, and I've lost it now. And it hurts. Thing is, I know its the right thing to do, to distance myself and not get in touch, as our friendship continuing the way it was, would just bring more pain, but my mind keeps firing doubt. I seem to put all my eggs in one basket with people, and then i expect the same back, which obviously isn't reasonable, in fact its selfish to think they want the same intense relationship/friendship I do.

My issue is as well, I generally get along better with women. I have maybe 2 close male friends, but many female. But then the feels get mixed and I get lost in the thoughts again. I overthink and react to everyone of their actions, and sometimes take things personally when they aren't.

I always thought I was a good person who cared about everyone, but i'm starting to doubt that. I wonder if it was more, I'm being a good person, who is actually selfish and wants to be liked by everyone. And we all know wanting to be liked by everyone is different to doing the right thing.

I find myself texting away to friends about my issues, and eventually they get fed up and tell me to talk to a therapist (not all of them, but they say having someone to talk to is good) but then I have done, I've spoken to a GP and a telephone therapist, and they all say they same thing to me, it seems like your're on the right path, keep doing what you're doing.

But I'm not sure I am. I meet people, I become friends with people, I put them high on a pedestal, and then I become offended or hurt when they do something that doesn't include me, or want to spend time with someone else, or prioritise something dumb like the gym over our friendship. But of course I understand that these people need that too, the world doesn't revolve around me and a friendship should be easy and beneficial not hard work. But then I fall for people too easily as well. I end up idolising them and becoming something different to the happy care-free person I come across as when my mood is high. So how can I still be this self centred person when I understand what it is I'm doing wrong?

I mean, my friend right now, all I think about is how she played me, how she shouldn't have leaned on me so much when she had a complicated situation with her boyfriend, how it was unfair she pretty much asked me to sleep with her one night and then the next week did a u-turn because her boyfriend promised to take her sailing. Yes maybe she wasn't in the right all the time. But that's not the point. I have all this self-righteousness and blame inside of me, this belief im the one who's being good, i'm the one who's being dubbed, i'm the one who's unlucky, i'm the one who deserves happiness but always ends up being hurt.
I know that's not true, there is a reason I'm the one these scenarios happens to, and it's because I'm delusional. I'm no nicer or more caring than other people, its just my trick to get people to like me, then the more they get to know me they see me for the selfish person I can really be.

I don't know right now. I'm getting there, I'm focusing on me. I'm trying to not worry about her, or get back in touch, I'm trying to say to myself it's OK to leave a bridge burnt. But all I want to do is get in touch, mull things over, apologise, make a pointless friendship work. When I know fixing it, would be a selfish approach to actually make myself feel better, under the caveat of me thinking it would improve her life if I apologised and made her feel good about myself.

I think my main issue is, I am so far behind so many other people my age emotionally. I see all these people in long term relationships, or buying houses together, getting married, having amazing holidays and all the rest. And I just want that so much. It's all I've convinced myself I've ever wanted.

But also, I realise that it's not the case at all. My life is different to other peoples, and many many others would look at mine and want exactly that. And comparing yourself to others is foolishness in itself, but you still do it.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I just needed to type. Ideally what I really need is some sort of therapist or person who understands my situation who I can just type gooseberry fool to all the time. Obviously there's this forum. But you don't give all the info for the fact it TL;dr and the fact you're spilling too much of your life out onto a public domain.

I am making progress I know I am, I'm learning gooseberry fool about myself I know I am, but god why do I feel so far behind and when will this gooseberry fool I'm thinking im learning actually click into place and practise.

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Victor Mildew
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Victor Mildew » Thu Sep 17, 2020 11:49 am

Remember that outwardly, most people's relationships and friendships will seem amazing and at an almost unattainable level. I of the been envious of people that have friendship groups that do a lot (I pretty much have no friends beyond the people I know from school, and I never see them), but then do I want to be living in someone else's pocket in my spare time just for THE BANTZ? You're going to get pissed off and want your own space eventually.

Same goes for relationships, they're going to look amazing. I doubt you'd get many people going, "Morning Facebook! Me and the hubby had a row over who was occupying what space in the kitchen, he muttered something under his breath so now I'm not talking to the banana split and he's been texting someone all day! Xxx".

----

I just got my blood test results, absolutely nothing wrong, which is a huge weight off my mind. I'd still like to know why I still feel like this though, it's been over a month now.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Karl_ » Thu Sep 17, 2020 12:19 pm

Curls wrote:I meet people, I become friends with people, I put them high on a pedestal, and then I become offended or hurt when they do something that doesn't include me, or want to spend time with someone else, or prioritise something dumb like the gym over our friendship. But of course I understand that these people need that too, the world doesn't revolve around me and a friendship should be easy and beneficial not hard work. But then I fall for people too easily as well. I end up idolising them and becoming something different to the happy care-free person I come across as when my mood is high. So how can I still be this self centred person when I understand what it is I'm doing wrong?

I was like this for a long time. I didn't have any self-confidence and relied on other people to feel like my life was worthwhile - so my emotions would swing from elation (when I felt accepted / needed) to anger and despair (when people understandably wanted to do their own thing for a bit...!).

I thought that having a relationship would help. In my mind, it was like the ultimate reason to live - someone would love me, finally! In reality it wouldn't have helped - I didn't have a realistic idea of what a relationship should be. And in any case that mindset is unattractive and actually stops you from forming romantic connections with people.

Things got better for me over time as I grew as a person and worked on myself. The first step to improving myself was realising the problems I had, just like you have. The second step was working on the underlying causes - I had to get help with depression, and as part of that learn to genuine value myself as a person independently of what other people in my life thought. The third step that helped me was getting a bit of a fresh start with a new group of people so I wasn't engaging in / reminded of friendships that had (my fault) toxic patterns - for me that was moving to a different part of the country but it could just as easily be a couple of new hobbies or something.

For what it's worth, I managed to salvage a few of the old friendships but not all of them. But it's OK! Letting go of friendships that have run their course is part of life and doesn't have to be upsetting.

Curls wrote:I always thought I was a good person who cared about everyone, but i'm starting to doubt that. I wonder if it was more, I'm being a good person, who is actually selfish and wants to be liked by everyone. And we all know wanting to be liked by everyone is different to doing the right thing. [...] There is a reason I'm the one these scenarios happens to, and it's because I'm delusional. I'm no nicer or more caring than other people, its just my trick to get people to like me, then the more they get to know me they see me for the selfish person I can really be.

I think you are jumping between extremes here. You're trying to come to terms with the fact that you aren't perfect, so you're like, starting to see yourself as this selfish demon going around lying and tricking people instead.

You're just a person, with good points and flaws. That's what everyone is like. No-one's perfect - you don't have to screw yourself up and throw yourself in the bin. You can be proud of the good bits, but work on improving the bad bits and being the best person you can be, you know?

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Curls
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Curls » Thu Sep 17, 2020 8:18 pm

Thanks for the responses, I feel a bit better tonight. :-) The underlying causes hey? I'm not sure, I've always been like this. Never really valued myself. I'm working at that, I really am. One thing I'm seriously trying not to do anymore is text people when emotionally compromised, it's damaged far to many friendships. I think in future I'll have to call them, or go and visit them if they're nearby.

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Ironhide
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Ironhide » Sat Sep 19, 2020 6:08 pm

Trelliz wrote:Everything's a bit gooseberry fool really, isn't it?

On the one hand, I've got a job I enjoy which I have been lucky enough to continue to do while working from home which is something a vast number of people don't have, I live in my own house, have the time and space to engage in hobbies and i'm getting married soon to a wonderful woman, but its hard to stay positive when everything else is going to absolute gooseberry fool. The world is increasingly literally on fire, ice caps melting, politicians openly lie and act like shitlords, laughing all the way to the bank and despite the clear obviousness of their shittiness, never seem to get their comeuppance. A global pandemic shows no signs of going away, further propelled on by individual stupidity, the aforementioned shitlords for various reasons and the increasing tide of medieval-like superstition and fear through bizarre and utterly horrific conspiracy gooseberry fool bursting into the mainstream.

I've been keeping myself in escapist activities like warhammer, videogames, TV series etc but that can only bring the blissful wool over my eyes for so long before being wrenched back to reality by the real-time horror show of any news broadcast/article. Hearing about all this stuff day after day makes me hope for an asteroid to come down and finish us off because at this point that's probably the best option.


Just take solace in the knowledge that you're in the last generation of people who got to enjoy life before the world completely turned to gooseberry fool.

It works for me.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Trelliz » Mon Sep 21, 2020 6:20 am

Ironhide wrote:Just take solace in the knowledge that you're in the last generation of people who got to enjoy life before the world completely turned to gooseberry fool.

It works for me.


Indeed. On a related note I generally find the OTT enforced merriment of christmas/new years eve excruicating in a normal year, we get swamped with pictures of people having perfect christmases, like its holding up a mirror and saying "you should be like this, but you aren't, unless you BUY OUR STUFF! IT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY! Look at how wonderful things could be!" Its like the country adopts this maniac grin to show how great everything is, and we can't dare let up or pretend that things aren't okay for fear of taking a fleeting glimpse into the sucking void of how things are now.

This year with another probably harsh lockdown and disaster-tier brexit on the horizon it's going to be even more horrific. I imagine all kinds of trite "in these strange times/new normal, we at [BRAND] are with you, but you need to buy our gooseberry fool with money you don't have to prove you still love your family" adverts have been made since mid august. NYE is going to be even worse - all the gooseberry fool that happened this year won't magically stop just because we are roughly at the same point around the sun as we were 365 days ago. It's enough to make you want to go live in a cave and never see another person again.

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Lagamorph
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Lagamorph » Mon Sep 21, 2020 6:21 pm

So after taking Sertraline for about 5 weeks now it's amazing the difference that it's starting to make. Before I started taking it I was genuinely having moments where I couldn't ever see myself being happy again, where it felt like I was just going to spend the rest of my life in a perpetual cycle of fear and horrible thoughts.
The first week was definitely rough, my already shaky appetite plummeted even further and I couldn't manage more than 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night. But now I'm so close to normal that I can remember what it was like. I've managed to re-engage with some of my hobbies (Where Covid restrictions permit), my appetite has returned to normal, I can concentrate at work again, I can think clearly, I actually feel like I have energy to do things and my family and people I work with have all noticed the drastic improvement in my these past few weeks.

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Drumstick
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Drumstick » Mon Sep 21, 2020 7:06 pm

Lagamorph wrote:So after taking Sertraline for about 5 weeks now it's amazing the difference that it's starting to make.

Nice one, glad to hear it. What dosage did they start you on?

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Lagamorph » Mon Sep 21, 2020 7:12 pm

Drumstick wrote:
Lagamorph wrote:So after taking Sertraline for about 5 weeks now it's amazing the difference that it's starting to make.

Nice one, glad to hear it. What dosage did they start you on?

50mg which is what I'm still on. I still have a few little 'moments' here and there which at my last review they said may mean they increase my dosage, but we'll see how it goes over the next 3 weeks before my next review.

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Zellery wrote:Good post Lagamorph.
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Drumstick
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Drumstick » Mon Sep 21, 2020 7:14 pm

OK. The only thing I will say is that, as with any medication, you may eventually build up a tolerance to it which may cause the effects to lessen. Keep evaluating how you are feeling but otherwise rock on.

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Lagamorph
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Lagamorph » Mon Sep 21, 2020 7:21 pm

Thanks.
Ideally I'd like to not need it long term. From reading up once I 'stabalise' they'll keep me at the same dosage for a while then start to gradually bring me off it, since stopping at once can actually lead to withdrawal symptoms including Anxiety.

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Zellery wrote:Good post Lagamorph.
Turboman wrote:Lagomorph..... Is ..... Right
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Lagamorph » Tue Sep 22, 2020 5:11 pm

Well after talking just yesterday about doing a lot better I think today has definitely been a little bit of a setback.

The return of some restrictions, massively compounded by reports of idiots going out and panic buying, has definitely put me back to being on edge a bit with just general feelings of anxiety creeping back up again.

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Zellery wrote:Good post Lagamorph.
Turboman wrote:Lagomorph..... Is ..... Right
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by blackoutHERO » Thu Sep 24, 2020 10:17 am

Just a small step back my man not a full 180. I know when I was on 60mg of Fluoxetine for my BDD it was a two steps forward, one back a lot of the time. Was on 60 for about four years, lowered to 40 for a year, lowered to 20 for a year and now I'm off them completely. So although you may need them forever, you also might surprise yourself. I was told I'd be on it forever.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Lagamorph » Thu Sep 24, 2020 11:39 am

blackoutHERO wrote:Just a small step back my man not a full 180. I know when I was on 60mg of Fluoxetine for my BDD it was a two steps forward, one back a lot of the time. Was on 60 for about four years, lowered to 40 for a year, lowered to 20 for a year and now I'm off them completely. So although you may need them forever, you also might surprise yourself. I was told I'd be on it forever.

Thanks mate.
I've rallied back around a bit yesterday/today but the reports here and there on people panic buying again and empty shelves when it comes to toilet paper are definitely keeping me on edge a bit.

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Zellery wrote:Good post Lagamorph.
Turboman wrote:Lagomorph..... Is ..... Right
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Tsunade » Thu Sep 24, 2020 2:34 pm

Don't listen to the reports, the shops will be open the whole time again and the toilet roll panic buying is only a few people going mad. What I do is listen to the rules, but turn off the reports. That's what I've done and I must say, I've felt a lot calmer with my anxiety since doing so when it comes to this.

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blackoutHERO
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by blackoutHERO » Thu Sep 24, 2020 4:23 pm

Shite and straight into the shower you're laughing. Haven't bought bog roll in years.

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Lagamorph
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Lagamorph » Thu Sep 24, 2020 4:45 pm

Yeah I need to just disconnect from the news for a few days I think, will definitely do my mental health good.

Despite the blip my therapist believes I'm making strong progress, and compared to where I was a month ago I definitely agree. I'm just incredibly lucky to have had my private insurance via my employer to give me such quick access to a therapist. When I had a follow up with NHS Mental Health a few weeks ago they discharged me to free up my spot in the queue so at least I could clear a spot to help other people move forward.

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Zellery wrote:Good post Lagamorph.
Turboman wrote:Lagomorph..... Is ..... Right
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Green Gecko » Fri Sep 25, 2020 4:41 pm

Can you get the spoken BBC news bulletins from smart device that are only like 2 minutes long once per day? It's just enough to know about any new rules etc as that's basically all they're talking about, but it doesn't really go into hysteria territory. That's what I'm doing then I just put on TV/music for the rest of the day (no news).

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