Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

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Drumstick
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Drumstick » Tue Mar 12, 2019 5:15 pm

Green Gecko wrote:I typically follow up these kinds of excursions with letters or usually emails. Sometimes they aren't acknowledged and othertimes its at least a possibility it was heard. I'm very glad it worked out for you.

I'm 30 now and I probably need to do the same thing with my dad. I will still see him but it can be very painful.

I mean this in the nicest possible way and don't intend to cause any undue offence, but everything you've ever posted about your Dad has made him sound like a complete and utterly selfish tosser. Why don't you tell him you're done with him and just bin him from your life. We have done that to several wankers in our already small family and are so much better off for it.

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Green Gecko
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Green Gecko » Tue Mar 12, 2019 10:24 pm

I understand that would make sense from any others' point of view. But I can't get my head around the idea of totally disowning somebody because they (or my forgiveness) exemplifies a fundamental part of how I am - and that is to be forgiving. So by having suffered so much from his decisions I have learnt to do that for no other reason. Living with disdain and resentment - however just it might be - is more destructive than the act that causes the sadness to begin with, because it prevents you from moving on.

It's a really hard thing to come around to, and it's really annoying also how he will drop hints about being dead in x years or not going to live that long, as if this is somehow my problem that he lost many years of healthy relationship by being a tosser to begin with. Such as implying I have issues travelling or some other "not my" type problem in order to see him in France with no other motivation to do so.

He did fly over from France just to see me for my birthday - however he went on and let slip in a way that could be interpreted differently, "Well this time he did come." (He actually said that.) But again amongst endless similar examples, is this for me to appreciate or for him to be proud of himself and warding against negative things I have said about him in the past? It would be very typical of past behaviour to want to "correct" opinions of him because he is most concerned with his image and not what he actually does (to, for example, always see/call his kids on birthdays, and not make a point of doing so because it's strawberry floating normal.)

Again the motivation is most likely for his own benefit (to make himself feel better) than to actually do something as an act of love. The tokenism and "but I did this or that" in response to a deficit somewhere else is pretty aggravating.

That kind of behaviour makes it very difficult to tell whether someone is actually trying to make amends or simply appease others to lessen their own guilt - the core of which has never been acknowledged or apologised for (abandoning my family in search for his own "right to be happy").

When one considers disownment or estrangement it's really hard also to consider whether that is going to beneficial or make things worse, as is the case with any situation where giving up is an option. It's an option that comes with its own sense of failure, that includes allowing the other person to "give up" as well and have no responsibility or empathy for the person doing the disowning. Which is some cases may be exactly what they want.

That is why dealing with narcissism is so difficult because most people are empathetic and do end up loving other people quite easily and so by giving up that love they see a reflection of the person that does not love them, and the worst fear for most people that have abandonment issues is making the same mistake or becoming "like them". At the same time, trying to avoid that pitfall is just as painful because you are putting in work to that effect all the time, even by just thinking about the narcissist - a love that will not be returned.

However I am sure at a point in my life when I am exhausted by the emotional of a "lack thereof" and it is not a healthy state to be in too often - it is very much like suffering from grief when somebody dies, except over and over again - indefinitely. I definitely need to do something about it.

That said, for the majority of the time I don't really care that much and I don't feel guilty any more for doing so. Besides he basically lives in paradise, does whatever he wants on his own time and gets taken care of by his wife who moans about tenants not folding sheets or whatever the strawberry float made up problem it is at the time, back here in my hometown (now it's whether or not health insurance will be covered post-brexit. Well don't move to strawberry floating France then or sell up an come back to either of your properties, big boo.)

Anyway, I'll reconvene with myself (:?) when I've finished my current course of counselling that is trying to focus on just this.

Edit: Also I did cut him out for about 8 months until he eventually wrote me a hand-written card because he was sad about being old and not liked and stuff. I guess I fell for that, but I really felt I had to consider whether it was making feel better or worse. Making a point of cutting him out unless he finally faced his responsibility to me did help but at the same time I was uneasy with it because I am not a spiteful person. Being so was a new experience for me.

That was around the time I got the "Non-Violent Communication" book wrapped in brown paper for my birthday from his wife which is still probably the shittiest and most gormless act of reconciliation I have ever had. Just to highlight how dim these two are.

I'm not even going to post the blurb for that book but instead the 1st review on Amazon which highlights how sanctimoneous and sickly the audience for that kind of publication typically are:

"A wonderful solution to the problem of how to communicate pleasantly and effectively with other human beings (some people are easy, but others are a nightmare aren't they?!!) and to how to considerably increase the chances of you getting your needs met and thus not feeling bad. Recommended to me by a professional. "


how to considerably increase the chances of you getting your needs met and thus not feeling bad


getting your needs met and thus not feeling bad


Translation: how to manipulate others into getting what you want. Some psychology is really messed up when it comes to narcissism versus empathy; it's a force for both good and, well, something else, depending on your view of the world.

If somebody thinks the answers for this kind of thing are in a book, and the "problem person" requires an education to resolve the situation, just how emotionally vapid are they, really?

strawberry float that kind of transactional bullshit imo. My father's a pedestalled neuroscientist but there are some things that can't be learnt or solved with advice from a book for chrissakes. (I'm still not sure he actually knew about that, which speaks for a void I suspect exists between father and 2nd wife anyway - and problems they have all of their own, as she said "I found this helpful, maybe you will too :lol:)

Sure it's the responsibility of victims of narcissism to change everything about themselves, not because the prat themselves is a narcissistic prick, but because their methods to point that out - or to even be vaguely unhappy about something - are simply wrong. Be harmonious with all narcissists and dickheads, and the world will be better! Pander to them to achieve happiness! Err.. no thanks.

The whataboutery and deflection is on a whole other level. I'm sure everyone has met at least one person close to them in their life that literally finds it functionally impossible to acknowledge the point of view of another person, nevermind apologise for poor behaviour or bad actions. And that is typically because, even if their actions/decisions detract livelihood, wealth, happiness or whatever from the other person, it has benefited them, and therefore it cannot possibly be wrong. It's like strawberry floating Darwinian levels of self-preservation that are wholly unnecessary since the day human beings learnt to speak freely, and it works by silencing the other person with (a) manipulation, (b) emotional abuse, (c) inherent dependency or (d) violence - and I've suffered all 4. On the side of the narcissist, don't forget about surrounding yourself with sycophants and priests, and generally less intelligent people, who will lap up your every word and consider, "How could this person possibly think this of you? You are so clever, smart, wonderful and funny."

Thing is though, you can be clever, smart, wonderful, charming and funny while still being a giant asshole to the people you wish to bog down and control. This is why psychopaths are so often successful in people-management roles, and people working in such roles with little time for family often wind up in extra-martial affairs, with bad parental-child relationships, because they have spent so much of their time getting people to do what they want they are essentially expert at it.

I'm strawberry floating useless at that - closing sales, getting customers to go away when they ask if I'm available on the weekends, giving gooseberry fool away, helping people for no tangible reason etc. Which is largely a product of guilt - when you feel shitty about yourself for any reason, you often go above and beyond your dues to satisfy yourself of the guilt and and also distract from it.

The whole guilt/loss thing is one of the strawberry floating worst complexes humans can have I think. It's like your mind just implodes and malfunctions at that early point in life where you can't reconcile your Disney-style morals and the gooseberry fool that people actually do, so you default to thinking worse of yourself. Same when people just keep winding up dead for some reason - "Why does this keep happening to me? What did I do wrong?" etc. Surely it's the loss of relationships or lack thereof that drives most individuals to suicide and the worst aspects of depression because the end-game of that (the "bad ending") is total isolation and detachment from the world around you - and, in the worst cases i.e. mild to extreme psychoses - from your own mind and body. I'm not sure where I'm going with this except to say that that endless sense of bereavement strawberry floating sucks.

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Meep
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Meep » Sun Apr 07, 2019 8:48 pm

Uh, I went to a councilor yesterday. Huge mistake as I now feel far worse. Focusing on the negative is just going to make me more withdrawn. What I need to do is learn more positive thinking.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Green Gecko » Mon Apr 08, 2019 1:25 pm

Stick with it. You may feel worse some days because of bringing negative experiences to the fore but the opportunity to speak openly about them in a non judgemental way is healing. Make sure you make time for adequate rest afterwards as the bubbling up of locked down emotions can feel very exhausting. It might take a few sessions before you start to feel that some of those old bugbears have "gone somewhere" and subsequently bother you less, at least temporarily.

Also some things may bring up other similar or related negative experiences that you will then have an opportunity to talk about next time. The point is that normally you would not have anyone to talk about it. Sometimes years of trauma can take a long time to get out of your system.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Qikz » Mon Apr 22, 2019 7:00 pm

Not sure if this is the right place for this, but I don't really feel like venting anywhere else/bothering anyone else. Life for me right now is weird, I moved into a brand new apartment which is amazing and yet I feel glum. I got to move here because of the inheritance I got from my Mum so perhaps that isn't helping as I'm thinking about her a lot and about how much I miss her. All the stupid little things that I'd normally call my mum up about (and she's been gone for 4 months now) reminds me of her and I think it's always going to be like that.

The weird thing is I feel happy to be here, but there's part of me that feels I shouldn't be here and that I don't deserve to live here - almost like it's too good for me. I can't tell if that's anxiety about living in a new place or something else, but I feel like a foreigner in my new home. My cat settled in almost immediately and it is cool getting to be here, I never imagined in my life that I'd be living somewhere so spacious (I need some stuff to fill that space now, since im living in an echo chamber). I'm sort of stuck between feeling overwhelmingly happy and sad all the time and despite having friends and family I feel lonely. Maybe this is just all another bout of grief mixed with my anxiety. I'll get there I guess, I just gotta get comfortable.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by jawafour » Mon Apr 22, 2019 7:12 pm

You've been through a lot recently, Qikz, and those kinda things take time to process. Try not to be down on yourself; just deal with things one day at a time and try to seek out the positive aspects when you can. Good luck, dude.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Dowbocop » Mon Apr 22, 2019 7:21 pm

Grief from losing a parent takes a long time to deal with. I lost my mum when I was eleven so it was probably a different kind of grief to the type you're feeling, especially as you spent so long caring for your mum. You shouldn't feel like you don't deserve it. Your mum chose to leave you an inheritance, you didn't force her to, and from what you've posted on here about your caring for her when she was ill I'd say there are a lot more beneficiaries of people's wills out there that would be less deserving of an inheritance! At the end of the day you know why she left you the money, and she wouldn't want you to feel bad about it.

In terms of house stuff, I'd say get yourself to Ikea and put your stamp on the place, then invite friends round and have a game night, cook for people, that sort of thing. It only feels like a home once you've actually lived in it.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Green Gecko » Mon Apr 22, 2019 11:08 pm

The moving into an empty home thing is totally normal. You need a housewarming and it won't really feel like home for something like 6 to 12 months.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Lime » Tue Apr 23, 2019 7:49 pm

I lost my Dad last year (and my Mum 2 years before that) and only now am I mentally starting to deal with it as I am signed off work with stress, so have had some time to process. It's come to the front of my mind today as my sister told me that his cat (that she took on when he moved to a hospice) had to be put down this morning as he had several tumours.

It reminded me of when he got his prognosis of a few days to live - there was silence, then he said in a broken voice "..... I have a cat."

Still makes me well up now.

Now you have a new place, and space, it's natural to reflect on how you've got here, and the memories and thoughts of the loss of your Mum will flow freely for a while. Don't fight it, but try to focus on the positives. I saw a photo of my parents the other day (just randomly) and it hit me that they're both gone :( . But then (fortunately I had a good family life) I could be grateful for everything they did for me and my sisters.

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jawafour
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by jawafour » Tue Apr 23, 2019 8:15 pm

Dang, guys - that situation is just so tough to deal with. Really feel for you; and hope that things get more comfortable in time.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Tafdolphin » Mon Apr 29, 2019 4:24 am

Unable to sleep due to my regular anxiety dreams, wake up, check phone, immediately get blasted with multiple GoT spoilers and, more relevantly, another email from work asking that I do yet more unpaid work this week (I'm doing 2 hours unpaid tomorrow).

It's half past 5 in the morning nd I'm sat in the dark feeling a mixture of rage and hopelessness.

So that's fun.

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Sandy
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Sandy » Mon Apr 29, 2019 7:04 am

Why would you work for free?

Try and stay away from checking your phone when you're sleeping. Put the radio on or something instead. Something that doesn't use your eyes.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Tafdolphin » Mon Apr 29, 2019 7:11 am

Sandy wrote:Why would you work for free?

Try and stay away from checking your phone when you're sleeping. Put the radio on or something instead. Something that doesn't use your eyes.


Yeah, it was a schoolboy error on my part. Spent the rest of the morning listening to meditation tapes.

As for work, it's because I find it very hard to say no to people. The email made me so strawberry floating angry because I havegave (lol) an inch and rather than saying thank you they now want a mile.

strawberry float that. I'm going to tell them to get strawberry floated (in business speak obviously).

Last edited by Tafdolphin on Mon Apr 29, 2019 1:46 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Sandy
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Sandy » Mon Apr 29, 2019 7:13 am

Yeah, they're strawberry floaters if they expect you to work for free. It's not acceptable.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Green Gecko » Mon Apr 29, 2019 2:16 pm

Please fire them, explain you are self employed and not available on beckon call, there are no terms allowing that such as a retainer agreement or callout fee, and if they do need you available as and when you can look at renegotiating the terms of your agreement. Just say something like that and little else and move on with your life. There is literally no point at all working with someone that does not value your time or expertise, it will only get worse.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Karl_ » Mon Apr 29, 2019 2:27 pm

Green Gecko wrote:beckon call

gentle correction: "beck and call" :) :wub:

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Green Gecko » Mon Apr 29, 2019 2:29 pm

Thank you, I've been saying that for years :dread:

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by jawafour » Mon Apr 29, 2019 2:35 pm

Green Gecko wrote:...There is literally no point at all working with someone that does not value your time or expertise, it will only get worse.

Bang-on, Gecko. Experienced that when I regularly (as in every day for years) worked unpaid overtime for a bank. They, of course, viewed this as "expected" and did not give a gooseberry-fool.

Hope the day is getting a little better for you, Taf.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Tafdolphin » Mon Apr 29, 2019 2:49 pm

Luckily I'm out of that joint soon anyway, and I told them today that because of my imminent departure I have no extra time. They didn't question it, but didn't look happy either.

C'est la strawberry floating vie.

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by No:1 Final Fantasy Fan » Sun May 05, 2019 7:48 pm

I think I might be a boring friend. I'm currently half way around and world so I hit up a friend to hang out with.
But his reaction to me was like "I'm surprised you decided to come here?" "What did you family say to you travelling all the way here?"
My answer was that this is only a small part of my holiday as I've been travelling to other cities too.

In my head I feel a bit sad tbh that a friend wasn't more excited to see me and instead asked me those kind of questions. Maybe I'm boring and I don't blame my friend.

Think I'm gonna ask him if that is the case so next time I won't bother calling by.


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