Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

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kerr9000
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by kerr9000 » Sat May 09, 2020 7:24 pm

Green Gecko wrote:Today I dreamt of my mother steaming food on a pyre of human bodies covered with leaves without telling anyone during a big celebration, when I uncovered the food to find the bodies she just shrugged it off as if it was nothing strange, or she had done it to spite me. I had assured everyone beforehand that, "this will be the best food, and I guarantee you'll never taste anything like it again."

I have no idea whether this is currently to do with processing neglect from both my parents (and not only my dad) in the past, but strawberry float me that is strange. Apparently my gf was woken up by me slapping her by accident while shouting about there being too many frogs everywhere. It was a tropical setting.

There's no cure for this gooseberry fool :lol:


The waking up your girlfriend thing reminds me of the time my other half woke me up, we had watched Gerald's game a film about a woman being handcuffed to a bed screaming help in the day late that night early the next morning she woke me up by screaming help I shot up to ask her what was wrong and she said nothing and went back to sleep lol

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Zilnad
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Zilnad » Mon May 11, 2020 2:19 pm

Definitely struggling with anxiety today because of everything going on since BoJo's address last night. Just trying to stay grounded and need to avoid imagining nightmare scenarios.

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Corazon de Leon
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Corazon de Leon » Tue May 12, 2020 3:11 pm

Sorry Zilnad mate, it’s no fun for any of us at the moment, especially with the shite obfuscated messages were getting. I was sorry to read about your work situation as well, hope it works itself out.

On a completely different note to a Corona issues, I had a bit of a moment earlier. I’ve mentioned in other threads my old mate who died last year - they dredged him out of the canal on my wedding day last year with head injuries. We’d fallen out of touch a while back, it was just one of those things and I had to make peace with the fact that I’d always wanted to get back in touch but never actually done it before he died.

Anyway, was messing about on my Instagram and went on to the page we have set up for Loki from my private account. It shows followers you have in common, and long story short I didn’t realise that said dead mate not only had an insta account but had been following both me and Loki until he died. It was a nasty little jolt. I feel shitty, and wish I’d known to use the platform and reach out to him before he died. It makes me wonder if he’d tried to use that to keep in touch or to reach out.

I dunno if that makes sense? It’s just a bit grim seeing a dead man’s name unexpectedly on social media I guess.

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Corazon de Leon
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Corazon de Leon » Tue May 12, 2020 5:32 pm

And on another different note, knocked back for three grant applications in one day. I’m only qualified to do one thing and I can’t catch a strawberry floating break. I have no idea what to do or how to find a job that isn’t basically minimum wage in a call centre, and it’s been almost two years since I graduated. I am thoroughly on a downer today. :lol:

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False
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by False » Tue May 12, 2020 7:01 pm

you have an extremely specific degree, right?

it'll be hard to get that break but Im sure when you do it'll be tip top

in false news I broke up with the girl Ive been seeing, today

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Green Gecko
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Green Gecko » Tue May 12, 2020 7:04 pm

I think my mate had to go through about 20+ doctoral applications including treatments to find the one philosophy paid doctorate (fellowship I think) in Europe. Finding a teaching/research role is probably even worse.

I'm applying for emergency relief arts funds at some point, if one of my clients can't order about £3k worth of gooseberry fool I was developing for months, all I need is for them to say "no" and then I can demonstrate it's a loss of income due to pandemic blahs.

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Vermilion
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Vermilion » Tue May 12, 2020 7:04 pm

I just feel empty now, being stuck in town here for any extended period of time was bad enough before all this, but now it's just a never ending nightmare.

I'm probably being selfish and wrong, but all i want now is for everything to unlock and for life to return to what it was. :(

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Banjo
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Banjo » Tue May 12, 2020 7:43 pm

Nah, I understand that entirely. Since the lockdown began I've been slowly unravelling, culminating today in flitting between completely listless and utterly emotionally distraught.

I'll spare most details on what's triggering it, as I can recognise how much it's being exacerbated by the current situation. I started seeing someone at the beginning of the year and now it feels like I've effectively been ghosted. I know she has her own issues to contend with and I want to be sympathetic and understanding towards that, but I've made it known that I'm struggling and I've gotten nothing in return. So that's a shitter, moreover as it's got some uncomfortable parallels with how I got dumped years back which properly sent me off the deep end. But we'd only been dating very briefly before work took me elsewhere, so it wasn't like I'd devoted an enormous part of my life to her, just gave enough emotion for it to mess with me.

What's really compounding it is being trapped in Cardiff. Since the aforementioned breakup, I've changed up my life in a pretty big way and basically spend most of the year travelling for various jobs as an English teacher. I dunno how much of a future there is in it, but I enjoy getting to move around, meeting new people and going to new places, it's been a source of focus for me and keeping my mind occupied. I've purposely taken on short term contracts to keep myself moving, and it's been generally decent with a few blips here and there. Of course, there's no work available currently. Anywhere. As I was finishing up a job (and my accommodation was provided as part of that), I had nowhere to go and would rather not bankrupt myself in a foreign country, so back I am at my Dad's place where I can at least save money.

Thing is, it's the only positive to being here. This isn't a place that helps my mental health, as I feel no connection to the place. It's my Dad's place, not a familial home, if you get what I mean? I very much feel like a guest here and unable to express myself, or even figure out how to express myself. In addition, I just don't have the kind of relationship with my Dad (or my Mum) where I feel I can talk about these issues, as I have done in the past and did not feel like it helped at all. While I'm grateful for the roof over my head and the safety, internally I'm at a loss and have been starting to tumble back down into depressive spells. Which is where the ghosting takes its toll; if I was living my life then I would have my coping mechanisms, interacting with students and co workers, seeing new places, trying to piece together the local language etc. But now I'm spending each day feeling trapped, with no ending in sight. So I'm dwelling on it, and consequently it's dragging me further down, and I don't know how to combat it. Talking online to friends isn't the same. Arranging drinks and such through the internet, while appreciated, isn't the same. And there isn't an escape from it as I cannot go outside to do some of the simpler coping mechanisms. Watching films loses the focus as there's no walk to the cinema and darkened room, experimenting with food isn't the same as there's no option to try the cooking of others in a different location. I think Blackouthero said it well in the fitness thread that there's a whole ritual associated with gymgoing that you can't replicate with a home workout, and I'm really feeling that.

As it isn't my home, I have little to no drive to do anything, and have spent literal hours each day just staring off into nothingness. My feelings towards ending it in the past have manifested themselves in this manner; an absolute lack of want to do anything or be anywhere, that questioning of what's the point in being here if you don't feel any fulfillment from it. I know not to trust that voice, but it's been there with increasing regularity lately. I just don't know how to deal with that in the current circumstances.

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Vermilion
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Vermilion » Tue May 12, 2020 8:28 pm

Banjo wrote:I started seeing someone at the beginning of the year and now it feels like I've effectively been ghosted.


I can sympathise with the loneliness that brings, since this all started, i've not been able to see any friends at all, not least because they don't live in the same town as me.

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still
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by still » Tue May 12, 2020 10:06 pm

Ugh, not good. Not good at all. Never mind, no doubt tomorrow will be...

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Squinty
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Squinty » Tue May 12, 2020 11:04 pm

Monumentally shite?

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Vermilion
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Vermilion » Wed May 13, 2020 7:57 am

Squinty wrote:Monumentally shite?


Probably.

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Zilnad
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Zilnad » Thu May 14, 2020 9:41 pm

Definitely feeling very anxious tonight. Got that sinking feeling in my stomach. At least it's nearly bed time and tomorrow is a new day.

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False
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by False » Tue May 19, 2020 11:51 am

dont want anyone thinking this is a cry for help or begging for sympathy or anything, so we'll just take that off the table to start with

Ive been a bit low the last few weeks, up and down but mostly down been spending a lot of time kind of just exhausted, tired of fighting my mind tbh

again, I promise this isnt a cry for help but just how it is - Ive decided that Ill definitely end up topping myself

its not something Im gonna do now or even in the immediate future and I dont wanna do it, but when I do go Ill go like this

its not very nice to think about but I think its just what it is

there is a strange peace from accepting it tbh, like a terminal patient, though Im not trying to ride on their genuine problems

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Green Gecko
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Green Gecko » Tue May 19, 2020 6:45 pm

False wrote:dont want anyone thinking this is a cry for help or begging for sympathy or anything, so we'll just take that off the table to start with

Ive been a bit low the last few weeks, up and down but mostly down been spending a lot of time kind of just exhausted, tired of fighting my mind tbh

again, I promise this isnt a cry for help but just how it is - Ive decided that Ill definitely end up topping myself

its not something Im gonna do now or even in the immediate future and I dont wanna do it, but when I do go Ill go like this

its not very nice to think about but I think its just what it is

there is a strange peace from accepting it tbh, like a terminal patient, though Im not trying to ride on their genuine problems

I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this is inevitable at the moment, I've been there before. Do you feel like these are ruminations on death or the inevitably of death (which is, sadly, true for all of us!) or something you feel like you will arrive at whatever happens in your life or whatever you do? I think there is plenty you can do at least in the meantime that might lead you to feeling different one day - I truly hope you do feel like your life is worth living soon! You've been through a horrendously rough patch yet are setting your self up on some kind of foundation and are doing things you enjoy and are extremely skilled at (also in what seems like a relatively short space of time). I'm sure most people would say we as a community are glad to have you around and sharing your life in little tidbits. If you keep feeling this way please don't be discouraged to journal a little bit if that helps you.

What's your clinical situation like at the moment? Can you call your standby nurse (I think you might at least at some point had a CMHT person?) at all or try calling/chatting with the the mental healthline 0300 123 3393 or Samaritans (116 123)? You can call them for any reason if you are feeling low, you don't have to be like, I'm gonna die really soon or tomorrow etc. Once I called them just because I had a shitty conversation with a cunty customer service agent dealing with my overdue energy bills and had an anxiety attack and was just not coping with what I felt like was basic stuff. But hey I have autism so that gooseberry fool makes me feel totally useless at the best of times. You could e-mail jo@samaritans.org and just offload some stuff.

You can also text "Shout" to 85258 to do a couple of texts if you think this is like, inevitable at any time at all and you're in a bit of a mess with your phone handy. Once I uploaded a gamecube logo I made to Imgur and just wrote, "depressed fabricator makes gamecube logo" and got chatting with some random young woman over a couple of days over PMs there. You may find sources of support in the most unexpected places.

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Zilnad
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Zilnad » Tue May 19, 2020 7:31 pm

I know it's probably not the sanest thought to have but I came to the exact same conclusion over the past few days as you, Falsey.

I don't feel suicidal at all but I have a strong belief that before I'm old, events will transpire that'll lead me to do it and I'm fairly confident I've decided how it'll be done.

Just things like my wife having cancer last year (she's fine now) and us having no dependents make me feel like I'm going to reach a point one day where my wife is gone and I've had enough.

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False
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by False » Tue May 19, 2020 8:35 pm

yeah its not something that you actively plan for or want, and the thought alone seems extremely shallow, ungrateful and stupid - but the best way to describe it is massive world consuming fatigue and exhaustion - simply dont want to go on dealing with it

Ive seen enough accounts and videos of people killing themselves to know that you immediately regret it, the body is designed to survive and the second the adrenaline and endorphins hit you your mind wakes the strawberry float up and tells you it was short-sighted and you gotta get out of it

ah well

cheers gg, I have contact with my nurse and therapist and doctor but I havent told them, I dont want to deal with it - I cancelled my therapy appointment last week

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by <]:^D » Tue May 19, 2020 8:41 pm

Falsey mate ive never met you in person but youre a lovely guy and you dont deserve to feel like you are doing
just want to let you know id be genuinely hurt if you decided to end it all
for what its worth
dont do anything silly

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Prototype
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Prototype » Tue May 19, 2020 9:37 pm

I know it's not a cry for help or anything falsely but as the post above states I think this type of thing would affect all of us on here

Of course , you shouldn't just behave and do things in order to appease us but what I do genuinely believe is that there are always good days ahead. That's just a fact of life.

I hope you're attitude towards life changes soon.

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Minty14
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Minty14 » Tue May 19, 2020 10:48 pm

False wrote:dont want anyone thinking this is a cry for help or begging for sympathy or anything, so we'll just take that off the table to start with

Ive been a bit low the last few weeks, up and down but mostly down been spending a lot of time kind of just exhausted, tired of fighting my mind tbh

again, I promise this isnt a cry for help but just how it is - Ive decided that Ill definitely end up topping myself

its not something Im gonna do now or even in the immediate future and I dont wanna do it, but when I do go Ill go like this

its not very nice to think about but I think its just what it is

there is a strange peace from accepting it tbh, like a terminal patient, though Im not trying to ride on their genuine problems

stay strong g xx


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