Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

'Routine change' anxiety is often treated as a form of OCD. But then OCD/anxiety is extremely common amongst people with autism, the two diagnoses often go hand in hand.

In some cases it can be beneficial to force yourself to embrace things changing, adding more 'stuff' into your weekly routine, since you develop more coping skills to deal with it that way. Depends how bad it is; if it's a mild nuisance then it's probably okay, but if you're getting hit with an anxiety sledgehammer every time there's a change in your plans it's definitely worth trying to tackle it and dampen it back down.

That sort of thing just festers and gets more pronounced over time if it's left alone.

Zilnad wrote:Another example, which is very pertinent to what happened today, is when people I know start behaving differently around other people. So maybe someone who I know as pretty laid back and quiet with me might be loud and outgoing in another situation and I then don't know how I'm supposed to respond or how to act.

They might also feel uncomfortable with 'higher ups' being around. Or they might be puttingnonna facade.

This is easy to say, but just do you. Be you. Don't worry about what others are doing.

Imrahil wrote:'Routine change' anxiety is often treated as a form of OCD. But then OCD/anxiety is extremely common amongst people with autism, the two diagnoses often go hand in hand.

In some cases it can be beneficial to force yourself to embrace things changing, adding more 'stuff' into your weekly routine, since you develop more coping skills to deal with it that way. Depends how bad it is; if it's a mild nuisance then it's probably okay, but if you're getting hit with an anxiety sledgehammer every time there's a change in your plans it's definitely worth trying to tackle it and dampen it back down.

That sort of thing just festers and gets more pronounced over time if it's left alone.

Pretty much and I also struggle with this (and I'm autistic).

Regarding "people with autism", just a tiny FYI (sorry if this is petty) we tend to prefer autistic these days because "with autism" tacitly pathologises the condition as a disease we can be cured of or that is better removed or averted, so there's a very strong movement towards autism as an identity just as for example the following sentences don't make sense:

Person with gay
Person with black
Person with Irish

And applied with pretty much any behavioural and neurodiverse trait that isn't an illness. So a dyslexic person describes a person affected by part of who they are whereas a person with dyslexia is that person alongside the other that is not part of them or undesirable.

I understand the phrase also has routes in "person with disability" so as to not define a person by their disability but of course this doesn't logically make sense either when a person can have multiple identities and not be defined solely by just one of them. The other key difference is that someone with a disability like a broken leg for example, that doesn't fundamentally change how they think and perceive the world around them so it is less of an identifying characteristic and more a permanent or temporary disablement in their mobility (although autism is also a mobility impairment...)

I hope that's cool, sorry I don't want to come off as overly sensitive, I understand people adopt the phrasing used in medicine and other vocations but don't tend to adopt the language of the people affected by that because basically nobody ever asks them, they get talked about but not talked to or listened to, by and large, because they are subjects of science and medicine as well as some seriously dodgy areas of psychiatry (and a massive target for quackery and scaremongering as well).

It also reinforces the myth people can get or acquire autism from supposedely adverse conditions (for example MMR or heavy metals) i.e. catch the gay when instead it is largely genetic.

There was for a time an opinion popular with pediatric practioners telling autistic people that person-first terminology was better because (or at least the argument was) it doesn't reduce the person to their condition and their condition only (i.e. labelling), but that had the opposite effect because it is rejecting that (autism) being an intrinsic part of their brain (actually the entire nervous system as it's viewed in Korea and also potentially the respiratory system) and not necessary a bad thing, so when it's split out like that it suggests something to get rid of. So you'll hear things along the lines of "autistic people prefer to be referred to as people with autism" when that opinion probably wasn't actually advocated for by or on behalf of autistic people - it often comes from parents who don't want to label their children as autistic but by that very concept and thought process they are refusing to actually accept who their child is, which leads to them not necessarily getting the support they need.

So I was raised "no label" in the sense that I never had a diagnosis until I was 21 but as a consequence of that I suffered a great deal stuggling on my own and my family being largely clueless.

Another toughtful phrase is I don't walk around with my autism in a bag and choose when to put it on or take it off, for example. It's one of those small turns of phrase that doesn't really make a great deal of sense when we start to accept people for who and what they are without that in itself being a slight on them - especially when surveyed around 90% of autistic people prefer not to pathologise their own mind which can really be quite brilliant. It's a little bit parts of the autistic rights movement with tonnes of people being cast aside by society and our health system to develop a voice to say, "I'm different and I'm proud of that, but I still deserve support, love respect and understanding", which truly is a big enough problem in this country compared to more progressive countries that there is a law named after autism but that sadly achieves almost nothing besides basically saying "we need to make life better for autisitc people" and... well, that's it.

Green Gecko wrote:

Imrahil wrote:'Routine change' anxiety is often treated as a form of OCD. But then OCD/anxiety is extremely common amongst people with autism, the two diagnoses often go hand in hand.

In some cases it can be beneficial to force yourself to embrace things changing, adding more 'stuff' into your weekly routine, since you develop more coping skills to deal with it that way. Depends how bad it is; if it's a mild nuisance then it's probably okay, but if you're getting hit with an anxiety sledgehammer every time there's a change in your plans it's definitely worth trying to tackle it and dampen it back down.

That sort of thing just festers and gets more pronounced over time if it's left alone.

Pretty much and I also struggle with this (and I'm autistic).

Regarding "people with autism", just a tiny FYI (sorry if this is petty) we tend to prefer autistic these days because "with autism" tacitly pathologises the condition as a disease we can be cured of or that is better removed or averted, so there's a very strong movement towards autism as an identity just as for example the following sentences don't make sense:

Person with gay
Person with black
Person with Irish

And applied with pretty much any behavioural and neurodiverse trait that isn't an illness. So a dyslexic person describes a person affected by part of who they are whereas a person with dyslexia is that person alongside the other that is not part of them or undesirable.

I understand the phrase also has routes in "person with disability" so as to not define a person by their disability but of course this doesn't logically make sense either when a person can have multiple identities and not be defined solely by just one of them. The other key difference is that someone with a disability like a broken leg for example, that doesn't fundamentally change how they think and perceive the world around them so it is less of an identifying characteristic and more a permanent or temporary disablement in their mobility (although autism is also a mobility impairment...)

I hope that's cool, sorry I don't want to come off as overly sensitive, I understand people adopt the phrasing used in medicine and other vocations but don't tend to adopt the language of the people affected by that because basically nobody ever asks them, they get talked about but not talked to or listened to, by and large, because they are subjects of science and medicine as well as some seriously dodgy areas of psychiatry (and a massive target for quackery and scaremongering as well).

It also reinforces the myth people can get or acquire autism from supposedely adverse conditions (for example MMR or heavy metals) i.e. catch the gay when instead it is largely genetic.

There was for a time an opinion popular with pediatric practioners telling autistic people that person-first terminology was better because (or at least the argument was) it doesn't reduce the person to their condition and their condition only (i.e. labelling), but that had the opposite effect because it is rejecting that (autism) being an intrinsic part of their brain (actually the entire nervous system as it's viewed in Korea and also potentially the respiratory system) and not necessary a bad thing, so when it's split out like that it suggests something to get rid of. So you'll hear things along the lines of "autistic people prefer to be referred to as people with autism" when that opinion probably wasn't actually advocated for by or on behalf of autistic people - it often comes from parents who don't want to label their children as autistic but by that very concept and thought process they are refusing to actually accept who their child is, which leads to them not necessarily getting the support they need.

So I was raised "no label" in the sense that I never had a diagnosis until I was 21 but as a consequence of that I suffered a great deal stuggling on my own and my family being largely clueless.

Another toughtful phrase is I don't walk around with my autism in a bag and choose when to put it on or take it off, for example. It's one of those small turns of phrase that doesn't really make a great deal of sense when we start to accept people for who and what they are without that in itself being a slight on them - especially when surveyed around 90% of autistic people prefer not to pathologise their own mind which can really be quite brilliant. It's a little bit parts of the autistic rights movement with tonnes of people being cast aside by society and our health system to develop a voice to say, "I'm different and I'm proud of that, but I still deserve support, love respect and understanding", which truly is a big enough problem in this country compared to more progressive countries that there is a law named after autism but that sadly achieves almost nothing besides basically saying "we need to make life better for autisitc people" and... well, that's it.

FYI, I'm on the autistic spectrum myself and I'm fine with being a person with autism. There's absolutely nothing wrong with using either reference.

Zilnad wrote:I sometimes wonder if I might be on the spectrum slightly.

I wonder this too about myself. I think most people have some sort of leaning. it's just personality at the end of the day. Making friends is tough, how did you meet your wife? You obviously managed to connect with her.





I'm starting to really struggle again myself. I was writing down for my betterhelp councillor things about fear of rejection etc, and i then just wrote down everything and it made me realise just how pathetic my love life has been, and rather than helping, I'm now wondering if I'm ever going to be able to connect with a woman as a partner. I wonder if I'll ever breakdown that friendship zone barrier, and I fear I'll just be alone and lonely forever.

From the age of 14 or 15 all i desperately wanted was a girlfriend, and its what I've never had. Its gone past the stage where I'm saying I'm still young, my time will come. I'm 30 now. Its making me pretty strawberry floating hollow inside. I've asked a few previous female mates or unrequited love interests about body language, vibes etc and if I ever give anything off remotely flirty. So far all I;m getting back is the, I really like you as a friend chat but you never gave off anything further.

This has gotten much further than your average nerdy teenage virgin now(at least im no longer a virgin I guess, but that gooseberry fool don't matter), I'm genuinely overwhelmed by the fact that all the personal progress I've made with my confidence and trying to love myself is all for nothing. I just want to meet someone, it seems like everyone else in the sodding world is capable of it. Why am I not?

But I also realise that I need to take action myself and I can't wallow in self-pity. I've been trying so hard to do that over the past few years, I haven't wallowed, I've got on with it, I've socialised, I've travelled I've done all kinds of activities. Yet nothing seems to ever work for me. I'm tired and fed up.

The wallowing part is definitely the worst part of depression for me.

I woke up at 8am with the intention of doing college work today, but I just can't.

It's like your mind just wants to exist in a sea of white noise so it knows it's safe. It's like you're floating through an ocean with an unsinkable life jacket on.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I ask people for help and all they do is text me. No one will actually help me.

And yeah, I know I've got to help myself, and I have, when I was a teenager I couldn't even talk to people in my classes and thought every laugh I heard was aimed towards me. Now I do a lot of people centred work and am quite chatty.

The irony is, because I was such a mess when I was younger I have no close friends now, which makes it SO much harder to stay in a good place mentally. There's no "I feel like gooseberry fool can we hang out?" It's "I feel like gooseberry fool and I'm just going to have to sit at home and let it fester". Add to that the fact that I consider myself Non-binary (at least mentally) and it's just an absolute gooseberry fool show trying to meet people.

People just expect you to pull confidence out of your ass and I just can't do it anymore, it's exhausting, I'm not a robot.

Imrahil wrote:

Green Gecko wrote:

Imrahil wrote:'Routine change' anxiety is often treated as a form of OCD. But then OCD/anxiety is extremely common amongst people with autism, the two diagnoses often go hand in hand.

In some cases it can be beneficial to force yourself to embrace things changing, adding more 'stuff' into your weekly routine, since you develop more coping skills to deal with it that way. Depends how bad it is; if it's a mild nuisance then it's probably okay, but if you're getting hit with an anxiety sledgehammer every time there's a change in your plans it's definitely worth trying to tackle it and dampen it back down.

That sort of thing just festers and gets more pronounced over time if it's left alone.

Pretty much and I also struggle with this (and I'm autistic).

Regarding "people with autism", just a tiny FYI (sorry if this is petty) we tend to prefer autistic these days because "with autism" tacitly pathologises the condition as a disease we can be cured of or that is better removed or averted, so there's a very strong movement towards autism as an identity just as for example the following sentences don't make sense:

Person with gay
Person with black
Person with Irish

And applied with pretty much any behavioural and neurodiverse trait that isn't an illness. So a dyslexic person describes a person affected by part of who they are whereas a person with dyslexia is that person alongside the other that is not part of them or undesirable.

I understand the phrase also has routes in "person with disability" so as to not define a person by their disability but of course this doesn't logically make sense either when a person can have multiple identities and not be defined solely by just one of them. The other key difference is that someone with a disability like a broken leg for example, that doesn't fundamentally change how they think and perceive the world around them so it is less of an identifying characteristic and more a permanent or temporary disablement in their mobility (although autism is also a mobility impairment...)

I hope that's cool, sorry I don't want to come off as overly sensitive, I understand people adopt the phrasing used in medicine and other vocations but don't tend to adopt the language of the people affected by that because basically nobody ever asks them, they get talked about but not talked to or listened to, by and large, because they are subjects of science and medicine as well as some seriously dodgy areas of psychiatry (and a massive target for quackery and scaremongering as well).

It also reinforces the myth people can get or acquire autism from supposedely adverse conditions (for example MMR or heavy metals) i.e. catch the gay when instead it is largely genetic.

There was for a time an opinion popular with pediatric practioners telling autistic people that person-first terminology was better because (or at least the argument was) it doesn't reduce the person to their condition and their condition only (i.e. labelling), but that had the opposite effect because it is rejecting that (autism) being an intrinsic part of their brain (actually the entire nervous system as it's viewed in Korea and also potentially the respiratory system) and not necessary a bad thing, so when it's split out like that it suggests something to get rid of. So you'll hear things along the lines of "autistic people prefer to be referred to as people with autism" when that opinion probably wasn't actually advocated for by or on behalf of autistic people - it often comes from parents who don't want to label their children as autistic but by that very concept and thought process they are refusing to actually accept who their child is, which leads to them not necessarily getting the support they need.

So I was raised "no label" in the sense that I never had a diagnosis until I was 21 but as a consequence of that I suffered a great deal stuggling on my own and my family being largely clueless.

Another toughtful phrase is I don't walk around with my autism in a bag and choose when to put it on or take it off, for example. It's one of those small turns of phrase that doesn't really make a great deal of sense when we start to accept people for who and what they are without that in itself being a slight on them - especially when surveyed around 90% of autistic people prefer not to pathologise their own mind which can really be quite brilliant. It's a little bit parts of the autistic rights movement with tonnes of people being cast aside by society and our health system to develop a voice to say, "I'm different and I'm proud of that, but I still deserve support, love respect and understanding", which truly is a big enough problem in this country compared to more progressive countries that there is a law named after autism but that sadly achieves almost nothing besides basically saying "we need to make life better for autistic people" and... well, that's it.

FYI, I'm on the autistic spectrum myself and I'm fine with being a person with autism. There's absolutely nothing wrong with using either reference.

Fair enough, each to their own and all that. Like, this isn't something that gets me all uppity and upset but I think the language people of any particular group choose to use matters and that's their choice. Without knowing that (of your autism), professionals meant to help us do tend to pathologise an important part of what makes a person unique, say for example some programs like ABA will attempt to make an autistic person "virtually indistinguishable from a neurotypical person", a practice I feel is wrong and inflicts real pain (including physical beatings etc) so I think without there at least being a discussion about the language itself with autistic people it's something that free wheels and we end up having long discussions amongst clinicians etc about a group but not having that discussion with the group. To put a short on it, my mum spent 15 years in a mental health charity transforming it into a user-led organisation that put the service users front and centre of the organisation without what is typically a lot of people talking about a group that they only understand on a theoretical level. There are a lot of autism advocacy groups out there but some of them are not autistic led and tend to adopt the language of clinicians, and so do autistic people because they will typically (but not always) echo the language that they have heard being used in the past - for example children will almost always do that. They'll blame their autism for something, or they'll resent an aspect of their brain and then that becomes the enemy and acceptance and inner peace becomes more difficult, which can lead to massive self guilt and confidence problems. "Why am I like this?" "Why do I deserve this?" "Who do I blame for this" and suchlike. I'm certainly not blaming those people, it's just a discussion around the issue of labelling and identity that comes along with any kind of characteristic that makes up a portion of who or what we are. I think acceptance is really important for a permanent condition like autism so embracing it as an intrinsic part of the self and working on strengths as well as weaknesses is very effective towards a life of well-being. Instead what society generally teaches us is that we have a disease and it needs to be eradicated in order to be better and more normal, which is a hugely destructive approach when it comes to something with no cure (like autism), and especially something that with the right support strategies in place in schools, work and wider society that difference can be largely innocuous if not objectively harmless or harm-free, even beneficial to society and the individual. And some autistic people don't want to be cured, myself included because I depend massively on a lot of my special interests and extremely high attention to detail, for example.

There are similar mindsets for all kinds of neurodivergencies that are part of a more holistic approach to living to the best potential.

As a turn of phrase, it cannot itself be wrong or morally repugnant or anything like that. There are just consequences around the terminology used to refer to people and that does have an impact however subtly on how people are perceived generally as a problem rather than people who have their own unique solutions and ways of perceiving the world.

So say for example someone like me has adult social care or clinical intervention, what with everyone's needs being a bit different, I find it irksome to go about "treating the autism" as opposed to addressing my needs as a unique individual. I don't want to get rid of my autism because it actually brings with it a lot of positive skills too.

Person first or identity first language is the choice of the person who actually has an autism diagnosis or similar, and that's a policy embraced by the more user-led support organisations, charities and advocacy groups that actually involve autistic people instead of making money out of their treatment or banging on about anti-vax and other gooseberry fool where we're reduced to a product or a scapegoat instead. It's that which is wrong but it's interesting to note that some of the more negative organisations out there do tend to refer to autistic people as somebody with something they would be better off without;- that's sadly often (but not always) the tacit implication of treating autism as a disease. That may seem true in some instances, but it is society that needs to accept and evolve to embrace autistic talents as well as support with the challenges, not scorch the earth of all the incompatible (as that's often how I and others I have spoken to feel about their efforts in society, "fitting in" at work etc) autistic people.

It wasn't until at some point a few years ago now, I started to think about this myself in discussion with other individuals on the spectrum that I considered the arguments for or against, but I'm totally cool with a person actually "like" that making their own decisions - I just don't think the decision should be made for them.

I also can't really say whether perhaps it's a view deeply considered depending on the extent to which an individual has been essentially forced to act and behave different in order to hide their condition (masking), so I suppose it's a bit similar to other pride or visibility movements, after years of struggling or being treated like crap for stupid things like looking at people funny, then act out at some point not wanting to be mistreated, eschewed or denigrated for their differences but to be proud of that and, personally, I am - I hardly make a point of it at all but my family had difficulty accepting it and I will very often hear things like, "you don't look autistic" and it's really distressing because that person basically undermines what I've achieved despite really struggling for years, all that time nobody understanding exactly why it does profoundly affect what life is like and how that differs for neuro(a)typical person. People are way too quick to judge and that is a huge problem (first impressions) for autistic people, especially in situations such as interviews for example, or making new friends and keeping them.

That said it basically is politics and therefore by default insufferable, I just felt it was relevant to share how I've thought about it and you certainly don't need to agree with me, I won't press anybody on it but I will sometimes point out to an organisation whether they even consider the question of identity itself.

I really hope this doesn't come backcross as untoward! Like, I was really worrying about using one of my least favourite phrases "FYI" as it comes off passive aggressive, but I wasn't really sure late last night how else to branch off a discussion. Also I am struggling a lot at the moment but haven't been posting here about my depressed state, as I have had so much writing and admin to do on emails trying to sort my life out after being forced to move by a shitty landlord which was basically hell.

I also had this tweet come up lately which is a discussion along similar lines, has anyone, a doctor or whatever, ever asked you what you actually think about issues like this?

twitter.com/AutisticNW/status/1445420733790924810

There is a growing and increasingly powerful neurodiversity movement and as anyone who's struggled with issues of their mind, brain and/or nervous system or biochemistry the very best thing to do is to talk and write about it, so thanks for bearing with me while I ramble out some stuff about it anyway. These are just opinions and not facts, honestly I would STFU and listen to an autistic person if they wanted to have a conversation about it, my point is that so often that is not the case, the people who are meant to help us instead ask our mum or carer or GP or something, or check the textbooks instead which are pretty much all written by neurotypical people and some of the treatments are just straight up experiments on child psychology. Like, just strawberry floating ask autistic people want they're struggling with and how they could be best helped and they'll probably enjoy telling you! And that includes the sensitive subject of how they prefer to be talked about since they are not a lab subject or a curious case or a little professor or whatever, they're a person and it's about getting to know that person to really help them.

I'm in a really tough spot now where the council I have moved to hasn't done gooseberry fool about my social care for 2 months and I have to meet a new team of PAs, tell them all my life story, and go over it over and over again like that, just so I can function doing normal things like making a cup of tea and eating a snack faster than 40 minutes without being constantly distracted or struggling with the dexterity on a bad day to assemble a basic lunch, or to disengage from certain tasks and move onto others without constantly getting obsessed about seemingly pointless stuff.

Case in point, about two weeks ago I hadn't eaten for pretty much 24hrs but instead of making lunch (I have almost no hunger triggers) I watched a bubble float across the room for 5 minutes and then stared at the pattern in the floorboards we have here in the new place for 15 minutes trying to deduce whether the marks in it were from (a) furniture or (b) a cello.

Like, that's pretty low functioning in terms of managing the things my brain gets hooked on instead of making lunch and it's all been very difficult on my own during the day when I had 6hrs a week to help me get up and eat breakfast, answer post/emails and stuff. Finally getting some adult social care from the council made a big different to my wellbeing and having a functioning routine (at least most days or 4 days a week) whereas at the moment I'm pretty snowed under.

I could talk about the continuity of care statute of the Care Act 2014 but I am tired of referencing it as our local councils cannot fulfil their obligation at all at the moment, it's really bad.

And there I shared more important things affecting me at the moment, where I began dissecting a sentence with implications, at least for me, there's an awful lot going in my mind at the moment!

I can talk about this on here as nobody knows me. The thing is, life is just too hard and I'm done with it. I'm not going to list the reasons and I'm not looking for sympathy or to be talked out of what I'm planning, I simply want to tell someone.

I'm planning to kill myself on Christmas day. I've tried before and failed but I - *mess it up this time. I've never taken heroin so I'm going to find a supplier and stockpile it for Christmas day. 1 injection of a massive amount and then I'll do the one thing that makes me happy, sleep.

I'm only at peace when I'm sleeping so the thought of everlasting sleep fills me with joy and serenity.

Good luck to all of you.

Your profile says you're a father of two.

How old are your kids? What do they do?

Rapidly-Greying wrote:I can talk about this on here as nobody knows me. The thing is, life is just too hard and I'm done with it...

That was pretty shocking stuff, RG. I don't claim to know you although I recognise you as a GRcadian. It may not seem like it's worthwhile in your current mindset but I'd urge you to try and speak to your doctor or other professional adviser; you may well have already done this in the past but if you share your thoughts with them they can take steps to provide the help that you need.

Rapidly-Greying wrote:I can talk about this on here as nobody knows me. The thing is, life is just too hard and I'm done with it. I'm not going to list the reasons and I'm not looking for sympathy or to be talked out of what I'm planning, I simply want to tell someone.

I'm planning to kill myself on Christmas day. I've tried before and failed but I - *mess it up this time. I've never taken heroin so I'm going to find a supplier and stockpile it for Christmas day. 1 injection of a massive amount and then I'll do the one thing that makes me happy, sleep.

I'm only at peace when I'm sleeping so the thought of everlasting sleep fills me with joy and serenity.

Good luck to all of you.

Mate, please speak to The Samaritans. Seriously. While I hadn't quite reached the point of giving up as you have I was in a pretty dark place for a time so I reached out to them during 2020 and it helped me a great deal.

Gemini73 wrote:

Rapidly-Greying wrote:I can talk about this on here as nobody knows me. The thing is, life is just too hard and I'm done with it. I'm not going to list the reasons and I'm not looking for sympathy or to be talked out of what I'm planning, I simply want to tell someone.

I'm planning to kill myself on Christmas day. I've tried before and failed but I - *mess it up this time. I've never taken heroin so I'm going to find a supplier and stockpile it for Christmas day. 1 injection of a massive amount and then I'll do the one thing that makes me happy, sleep.

I'm only at peace when I'm sleeping so the thought of everlasting sleep fills me with joy and serenity.

Good luck to all of you.

Mate, please speak to The Samaritans. Seriously. While I hadn't quite reached the point of giving up as you have I was in a pretty dark place for a time so I reached out to them during 2020 and it helped me a great deal.

Please do this. They don't know you either, so are safe to talk to about this too. They can help you.

Rapidly-Greying wrote:I can talk about this on here as nobody knows me. The thing is, life is just too hard and I'm done with it. I'm not going to list the reasons and I'm not looking for sympathy or to be talked out of what I'm planning, I simply want to tell someone.

I'm planning to kill myself on Christmas day. I've tried before and failed but I - *mess it up this time. I've never taken heroin so I'm going to find a supplier and stockpile it for Christmas day. 1 injection of a massive amount and then I'll do the one thing that makes me happy, sleep.

I'm only at peace when I'm sleeping so the thought of everlasting sleep fills me with joy and serenity.

Good luck to all of you.

Your kids need you. We need you.

Whatever it is that is causing your pain whilst you're awake can be solved. You are one decision away from changing the course your life entirely. Why check out before exploring that?

Call 116 123 - it is entirely anonymous

Or if you prefer not to speak to someone in real time, vomit it out in words to jo@samaritans.org

Stick around man.

Rapidly-Greying wrote:I can talk about this on here as nobody knows me. The thing is, life is just too hard and I'm done with it. I'm not going to list the reasons and I'm not looking for sympathy or to be talked out of what I'm planning, I simply want to tell someone.

I'm planning to kill myself on Christmas day. I've tried before and failed but I - *mess it up this time. I've never taken heroin so I'm going to find a supplier and stockpile it for Christmas day. 1 injection of a massive amount and then I'll do the one thing that makes me happy, sleep.

I'm only at peace when I'm sleeping so the thought of everlasting sleep fills me with joy and serenity.

Good luck to all of you.

Please do not do this.

Rapidly-Greying wrote:I can talk about this on here as nobody knows me. The thing is, life is just too hard and I'm done with it. I'm not going to list the reasons and I'm not looking for sympathy or to be talked out of what I'm planning, I simply want to tell someone.

I'm planning to kill myself on Christmas day. I've tried before and failed but I - *mess it up this time. I've never taken heroin so I'm going to find a supplier and stockpile it for Christmas day. 1 injection of a massive amount and then I'll do the one thing that makes me happy, sleep.

I'm only at peace when I'm sleeping so the thought of everlasting sleep fills me with joy and serenity.

Good luck to all of you.

Is there a reason why Christmas day. I find Christmas hard at times because my mum loved it and has now passed away , so it can make that day a focal point for issues and stress. Seriously though try the Samaritans number or messaging them what harm can it do.

Rapidly-Greying wrote:I can talk about this on here as nobody knows me. The thing is, life is just too hard and I'm done with it. I'm not going to list the reasons and I'm not looking for sympathy or to be talked out of what I'm planning, I simply want to tell someone.

I'm planning to kill myself on Christmas day. I've tried before and failed but I - *mess it up this time. I've never taken heroin so I'm going to find a supplier and stockpile it for Christmas day. 1 injection of a massive amount and then I'll do the one thing that makes me happy, sleep.

I'm only at peace when I'm sleeping so the thought of everlasting sleep fills me with joy and serenity.

Good luck to all of you.

I've been thinking about this post all day because it's very hard to respond to. I'm going to caveat this post with a disclaimer that this post comes from a caring and sympathetic place. I am not angry with you, or trying to be adversarial, or guilt-tripping you. However I do feel that your viewpoint and plan needs to be challenged (for obvious reasons), and the discussion needs to be frank. AFAIK nobody on here is a trained counsellor, so this is all just people that care about you talking about what you've said you want to do.

Firstly, I personally have never felt suicidal so I'm not going to say "I know how you feel mate" or anything like that - I just haven't (although I would strongly suggest you listen to those that do say that and have survived those feelings). My own mental health issues have mainly revolved around dealing with anger. They are not trivial, but they are not on the same level as suicide ideation and I have never needed to answer yes when someone has asked me that question in a mental health capacity.

Secondly, a number of people have taken time out to tell you not to do this. This means something. You mention that nobody here knows you but we do in a way, and we like having you around. We would miss you, and feel all the feelings of grief you can imagine if you were no longer around. When I think back I've had two suicides in my life. One was a friend from school and one was a friend of my sister's. Not best friends by any stretch, but there is still a void and a profound sadness that I feel around their deaths that I don't feel about other, much more "significant" deaths, even including my own mother. There was nothing that could be done for my mum, but there potentially was for Richard and Jazz. There is for you, too.

Thirdly, as sad as we would all feel if you died, it would be worse for your family and "IRL" friends (although really we are your real life friends, just in a particular circle of your life). You have kids, you have family, you have friends (including us). We will miss you.

Thirdly, if you have made up your mind, then I'm sure there are a number of arguments and reasons you have developed to explain your plans. Put them on here. Tell the Samaritans. Tell whoever. But you need to talk about this, and you need to do it NOW.

We all love you dude, and we don't want you to do it. Please don't.

Rapidly-Greying wrote:I can talk about this on here as nobody knows me. The thing is, life is just too hard and I'm done with it. I'm not going to list the reasons and I'm not looking for sympathy or to be talked out of what I'm planning, I simply want to tell someone.

I'm planning to kill myself on Christmas day. I've tried before and failed but I - *mess it up this time. I've never taken heroin so I'm going to find a supplier and stockpile it for Christmas day. 1 injection of a massive amount and then I'll do the one thing that makes me happy, sleep.

I'm only at peace when I'm sleeping so the thought of everlasting sleep fills me with joy and serenity.

Good luck to all of you.

I've not interacted with you much over the years so I don't know what issues you're going through, but I have just come out of a really dark place that included suicide ideation and I can tell you that this feeling can and does pass. I know it's a shitty cliché but this really is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and you shouldn't do this. There's so many other options that can make such a difference and I know that's difficult to see or even imagine when literally having a shower or getting out of bed takes literally all the energy you have for a day but I promise they are there.

Please talk to someone better qualified than us to help you through this, and stay with us.

Rapidly-Greying wrote:I can talk about this on here as nobody knows me. The thing is, life is just too hard and I'm done with it. I'm not going to list the reasons and I'm not looking for sympathy or to be talked out of what I'm planning, I simply want to tell someone.

I'm planning to kill myself on Christmas day. I've tried before and failed but I - *mess it up this time. I've never taken heroin so I'm going to find a supplier and stockpile it for Christmas day. 1 injection of a massive amount and then I'll do the one thing that makes me happy, sleep.

I'm only at peace when I'm sleeping so the thought of everlasting sleep fills me with joy and serenity.

Good luck to all of you.

I was wondering how you were doing since reading some posts of yours. I can only really echo what others have said. Consider asking for a referral to a psychiatrist from your GP. That's not necassarily easy, in terms of personal motivation and the practicality of actually getting an appointment. Still, something to consider giving a try. Also know you can write here, whatever and whenever you like.

Rapidly-Greying wrote:I can talk about this on here as nobody knows me. The thing is, life is just too hard and I'm done with it. I'm not going to list the reasons and I'm not looking for sympathy or to be talked out of what I'm planning, I simply want to tell someone.

I'm planning to kill myself on Christmas day. I've tried before and failed but I - *mess it up this time. I've never taken heroin so I'm going to find a supplier and stockpile it for Christmas day. 1 injection of a massive amount and then I'll do the one thing that makes me happy, sleep.

I'm only at peace when I'm sleeping so the thought of everlasting sleep fills me with joy and serenity.

Good luck to all of you.

I'm not sure if you'll read this but please don't do this. Seven years ago I was going to kill myself. I had a plan and everything. Seven years later, with a lot of professional help, I'm in a much better place. I genuinely hope you change your mind and get some help and support, it is out there and things can and do get better.

Rapidly-Greying wrote:I can talk about this on here as nobody knows me. The thing is, life is just too hard and I'm done with it. I'm not going to list the reasons and I'm not looking for sympathy or to be talked out of what I'm planning, I simply want to tell someone.

I'm planning to kill myself on Christmas day. I've tried before and failed but I - *mess it up this time. I've never taken heroin so I'm going to find a supplier and stockpile it for Christmas day. 1 injection of a massive amount and then I'll do the one thing that makes me happy, sleep.

I'm only at peace when I'm sleeping so the thought of everlasting sleep fills me with joy and serenity.

Good luck to all of you.

I just want to join the chorus here, as others have said we all hope you will reconsider and reach out to get some help, which can be done anonymously.

It is really difficult to fight these daily battles which are invisible to those around us, but it is a very brave thing to keep going.