Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

jawa_ wrote:Thanks guys. I've been strongly focusing on F76 to avoid dealing with other stuff; not in a harmful way as such, but now the point has been reached of "for strawb's sake, jawa, you really need to sort these things out". Oh well, let's see.

Fair point. Good you recognise when mild addiction is getting it's claws in and maybe affecting other areas.

Nothing wrong with a virtual comfort blanket game, but if you feel you need to take a break fair play and it will always be there waiting for you. And you'll probably enjoy it more after a little break.

My bury my head in the sand, take some time off from my chattering brain, avoidance game is Tetris Effect

Yeah, you never know, once I'm in work I might then return to the game; will see how things go. Ta, Barnsy.

RetroCora wrote:Long story short I kind of came to the realisation halfway through that conversation that I've been in denial since the turn of the year really - she does not and will not ever feel the same way as I do about her - and therefore needed to step back. I also stupidly implied that I regret the whole thing (which I do at the moment, but strawberry floating hell Cora rule 1 of break-ups is that you don't tell the other person that). We'd been trying long-distance for six months before she came over for nearly a month in November and it didn't quite work out, she didn't feel what she thought she did and just couldn't get herself into the relationship headspace. I think she took one look at me with all my worries and insecurities and was like "strawberry float that," which I can't really blame anyone for.

We left it last night at her asking me to get back in touch when I feel like I can, but actually I don't see how that'll ever be healthy. It's the right call for both of us, and I know that, but Christ almighty I hate it - it's taking all my willpower not to send grovelling apologies and beg for us to just be friends. This particular hit feels worse than most of the others combined, because I'd only just really recovered from the divorce when we met and I really thought this relationship had a chance - she's lovely, cares deeply for the people around her, and is a lot of fun to be around. I loved talking to her, and we had such a great time when things were clicking. And then, I guess, they didn't click for her anymore.

My life is a bit of a mess, really, and I have no idea how to make it better. But hey, I have a nice tattoo now, no nails through it or anything.

Jaysus Cora, so sorry for you man. I remember when an ex girlfriend fell out of love for me and the shock and devastation it caused me. All the advice is to stay away and even though that is the correct advice it will never FEEL like it is. I sent groveling text after text while we were still 'friends' so I know how you feel and the instant regret after sending them when you realize you've sent paragraphs of text's to their one or two word replies.

Don't feel too bad if you break and text her, if you texted every day making that break is soooo strawberry floating hard. I wish I could say you'll get over, I mean we all do but you'll still from time to time think of her, it just won't hurt as much in time. If you ever want to chat or even chat over a game online hit me up man.

I have a horrible HORRIBLE regret when I bumped into my Ex with her new boyfriend. I had just been told on the last day of work before Christmas that I'd be let go at the end of January so I was in an awful mood anyway. I was drinking with some work mates and I trot off to the bar and my Ex is standing there with her new boyfriend, we hadn't spoken in a couple of months and she said "well this was probably always gonna happen" and I, horrifically said "this guy? THIS GUY?", I didn't know him but I....well I was an eejit. She said "why are you being such a dick" and they both stormed off hand in hand.

As far as I know they are happily married now but my god I'd love to bump into her JUST to apologise for that last interaction. She said something just before the end that has stuck with me ever since and is quite a confidence killer she said I'm a guy she'd love to have an affair with but not BE with.

Hm, that's a lot to unpack.

But yeah, keep your distance (I mean mentally not physically and I don't mean ignoring or neglecting someone) and use this time to do the only thing you can do - work on yourself, for yourself, and if you do that, someone will come along - who it is is kind of not relevant. You have to fill your own cup before you can fill somebody's else's. All relationships start with (and are built upon) a healthy relationship with the self. Without that, sustaining any kind of long term romantic or even aromantic relationship isn't really possible. The next time you show up, for anyone, you should be better equipped to handle things differently. I mean, theoretically you could be a very different person. Again it's about showing up for yourself and not trying to impress someone. That's what confidence is, and, well, it's very alluring.

I don't necessarily think you have to completely lock someone out of your life forever, after any kind of breakdown, conflict, fracas, strife, whatever, as that will in essence tell them what they want to hear in terms of lacking in such or such aspect and make it that much easier to write you off (whether they were doing that before or not, again this is more in the mind of the person who no longer wants to be around or do this or that thing or fit this or that definition of relationship or friendship - and friendships are relationships). It can also come across as reactive, punitory and somewhat petty. I.e. so called "no contact" rule. If you're in "no contact" as a case of boundaries (I'm not talking about extreme cases like restraining orders!), you're there for a reason - work on why. Again, it comes down to what CAN you do, and you can work on the self. YOU can always do that. People respect that.

I'm not referring to every possible circumstance, obviously there are situations in which is it is good to cut someone out of your life (serious abuse etc). Just don't let it define you. Strong reinterpretations can lead you to growing and fighting that confirmation bias that person will inevitably have on you based on how you behaved or how you did things in the past. So surprise them, but only as a by product of taking care of yourself.
Ultimately everything that we do or don't do in this world has an impact on our outcomes and the world around us. Don't ever delude yourself into thinking that it does not, because it does. That's nihilism (it's also profoundly arrogant and/or lazy, depending on how you look at it).

You can have an amicable friendship, if you aren't attached or tethered to that person i.e. "getting them back". What the future brings for that relationship nobody can really know for sure. If that's what you strive for, to "have" them, they'll always be suspicious of your motivations because they are ungenuine - you're only doing this to get them back and haven't actually changed or paid healthy attention to your own needs (which, and this can sound horrible, are sometimes the underlying reasons that they left).

The trouble with the striving to have approach, is that once we have that thing, we have a tendency to stop doing whatever needs to be done and often the things that we actually (unwittingly or unawares) did to achieve or get that thing in the first place. It's due to the hunter gathering instinct and it's sewn into our genes. If you think about it, it's a big reason why a lot of things in life fall into disrepair. I also think an unhealthy degree of stoicism is often to blame. I.e. we'll tough it out and deal with this later. Then it's simply death by a thousand cuts, and we act surprised as if we could never have anticipated this. Well, one way or another that is simply a lie. We knew, but we didn't want to face the circumstances or consequences, or for some reason, at that time, we could not.

Briefly, gooseberry fool happens (or happened) whether or not you accept it or not. It always comes back around. Unfortunately, very few people are adequately equipped to deal with the unexpected events and challenges in their life, and hence go through an endless cycle of boom and bust, victory and loss, love and indifference (hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is), courage, vigour, hope and apathy, and so on. As someone who has been clinically major depressed many times, and more often and more frequently than I care to mention at this moment, I get it. Trust me, I score pretty highly on the scale.

If however we thrive despite, and plant seeds for future growth (the farmer mentality), we see resistance as an opportunity, and problems/challenges as a good thing because it drives us, we really can move forward one step at a time. An easy life is a wasted life. But you have to have the right mindset for that, and it's incredibly difficult with various mental health struggles. But it is possible to at least try.

Cheers lads. Funnily enough, this part of my sea of troubles appears to have had a happier ending. I strawberry floating hated how we'd left things, so I waited until I'd had the time to digest things a little, and she was a bit less angry, then arranged a chat. I apologised for things I'd said, she apologised for things she'd said, we got onto the same page and we've been talking reasonably regularly as friends since - we have a lot in common and I think we can build a really nice friendship.

I needed those few weeks to understand what was going on, make peace with my own feelings and start moving on, and I guess accounting for the reality of the situation helps. She's near the Colorado-Utah border, I'm in Scotland. The odds of us even seeing each other again are low. It makes being friends a bit easier and less awkward than it would if we were in the same space, and it kind of shows that we both want that - it would be very easy to just drift away, given the circumstances. And I'm glad I get to keep a really cool person in my life in a small way, which is a hell of a lot better than the alternative.

Have also started therapy since I made those posts, which is helping put things into perspective a little and I've identified the kind of person I'd like to be, even if it's not quite the person I actually am at the moment. The last two years have just been unending blows - the death by a thousand cuts you mention GG - and I need to come to terms with all of that before moving forward. Already feeling a bit more like myself, though there's a long way to go. I'm still unemployed, still unsure what the next move is, and still with my career on the line. The job market here is so bad for what I do that it's going to have to involve a move abroad. Probably to the United States, if I can secure work and support for a visa application.

Photek wrote:I have a horrible HORRIBLE regret when I bumped into my Ex with her new boyfriend. I had just been told on the last day of work before Christmas that I'd be let go at the end of January so I was in an awful mood anyway. I was drinking with some work mates and I trot off to the bar and my Ex is standing there with her new boyfriend, we hadn't spoken in a couple of months and she said "well this was probably always gonna happen" and I, horrifically said "this guy? THIS GUY?", I didn't know him but I....well I was an eejit. She said "why are you being such a dick" and they both stormed off hand in hand.

As far as I know they are happily married now but my god I'd love to bump into her JUST to apologise for that last interaction. She said something just before the end that has stuck with me ever since and is quite a confidence killer she said I'm a guy she'd love to have an affair with but not BE with.

strawberry floating hell

For what it's worth, I wouldn't beat yourself up too badly about this, you were clearly going through a shitty run of your own and we all do and say stupid things when we're under pressure like that. God knows I have. You're a good dude Photek, and I appreciate the support.

Just found out that my dad has cancer. It's quite a shock. Right now, further tests are needed to establish the situation and what needs to be done.

I know that many, many people suffer and are impacted by cancer. Feels right to say...

Strawb cancer.

Very sorry to hear that man, hopefully it's not too serious.

jawa_ wrote:Just found out that my dad has cancer. It's quite a shock. Right now, further tests are needed to establish the situation and what needs to be done.

I know that many, many people suffer and are impacted by cancer. Feels right to say...

Strawb cancer.

Do you know what kind? Cancer is a big scary word but it covers a multitude of diseases, many of which have very good survival rates these days. All the best no matter what, though.

Edit: One of my wife's Uncles had brain cancerand needed an operation two years back. Was basically told he probably only had 6 months to live either way, maybe a 30% chance of recover with surgery and treatment.

He actually looked like he was doing pretty well and responded well to follow up treatment and they couldn't find any sign of it for the whole following year and the docs were cautiously optimistic.

Anywho he unfortunately got another tumour in the brain very quickly and needed another operation last week, with another "yeah this is probably it, if it's come back this much".

Which was obviously a shock and bad news, but miraculously after the surgery the surgeons said it wasn't actually a tumour but some calcification from something and that's actually very good news as the cancer was not back! Still all clear!

Anyway, that's a bad one, just thought I'd post a slightly positive cancer story. Many many other cancers are far less serious.

Sorry to hear that Jawa, it's a horrible thing to have to deal with.

Photek wrote:Very sorry to hear that man, hopefully it's not too serious.

Vermilion wrote:Sorry to hear that Jawa, it's a horrible thing to have to deal with.

aayl1 wrote:Do you know what kind? Cancer is a big scary word but it covers a multitude of diseases, many of which have very good survival rates these days. All the best no matter what, though.

Thanks, guys - much appreciated. At the moment the cancer has been identified in the area of the prostate; further checks are need to see if it has spread anywhere else - we're awaiting news on a date for a bone scan.

aayl1 wrote:

Edit: One of my wife's Uncles had brain cancerand needed an operation two years back. Was basically told he probably only had 6 months to live either way, maybe a 30% chance of recover with surgery and treatment.

He actually looked like he was doing pretty well and responded well to follow up treatment and they couldn't find any sign of it for the whole following year and the docs were cautiously optimistic.

Anywho he unfortunately got another tumour in the brain very quickly and needed another operation last week, with another "yeah this is probably it, if it's come back this much".

Which was obviously a shock and bad news, but miraculously after the surgery the surgeons said it wasn't actually a tumour but some calcification from something and that's actually very good news as the cancer was not back! Still all clear!

Anyway, that's a bad one, just thought I'd post a slightly positive cancer story. Many many other cancers are far less serious.

It's good to hear of people getting through the challenges and I'm glad that the guy is on the path back to health, aayl!

Yeah, at the moment there is a feeling of shock, really, but we have to wait for the next tests and see what the results are.

jawa_ wrote:...At the moment the cancer has been identified in the area of the prostate; further checks are need to see if it has spread anywhere else - we're awaiting news on a date for a bone scan...

Things have moved quickly and the bone scan is taking place tomorrow. Just keeping our fingers crossed.

jawa_ wrote:

jawa_ wrote:...At the moment the cancer has been identified in the area of the prostate; further checks are need to see if it has spread anywhere else - we're awaiting news on a date for a bone scan...

Things have moved quickly and the bone scan is taking place tomorrow. Just keeping our fingers crossed.

I will keep my fingers crossed for you and your Dad Jawa...

kerr9000 wrote:I will keep my fingers crossed for you and your Dad Jawa...

Ta, kerr, man!

Sorry to hear of that, Jawa. Hopefully, the prognosis is good.

Getting really paranoid over my health at the moment. It's only been 3 days since I finished the antibiotics yet I'm convinced the infection is going to return and I've been monitoring myself obsessively. This evening I kept coming over all hot yet my actual body temp was in the low 37's which means there shouldn't be anything much to worry about. Despite that though I've been constantly checking it with the thermometer which I know is silly, but I just can't seem to stop doing it.

The thing is though, I do worry, I worry all the time, it's part of who I am and unfortunately, this just makes me feel even worse.

Didn't help that this morning the surgery rang and said my blood test indicated that there was an infection. I already knew this though hence the meds I took, so why did it bother me so much?

RetroCora wrote:Sorry to hear of that, Jawa. Hopefully, the prognosis is good.

Ta v much, Cora!

Vermilion wrote:Getting really paranoid over my health at the moment... ...so why did it bother me so much?

Well, you've had a lengthy period of feeling a bit rough, Vermi, so it'll take a while to get over it. Try and ease up and sit back a bit; although, yeah, that is challenging when worrying thoughts occur. I hope that you're soon a bit more comfortable, dude.

Turns out it wasn't just paranoia, the cough has gotten worse again and i had a rough night so i think the infection wasn't completely eradicated, will contact the surgery today.

EDIT: Just been on the phone and the duty doc has issued a fresh prescription so hopefully this will sort things once and for all.

if it puts your mind at ease vermi, i'm going through something extremely similar just now.

I do think it's a very bad infection doing the rounds.

Prototype wrote:if it puts your mind at ease vermi, i'm going through something extremely similar just now.

I do think it's a very bad infection doing the rounds.

It seems to be in my throat, and the surgery is pretty sure it's bacterial (hence why the first round of meds worked well until the course suddenly ended) which is why it's gone on for so long.

Because i took action quickly this time though rather than just letting it go on and on, hopefully the new meds will finally sort it as the infection shouldn't be quite so entrenched.

i'm 3 weeks in. similar symptoms. first round of anitbiotics just about finished.

sudafed has helped with sinus pain and headaches