Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

site23 wrote:Warm wishes to everyone else who has posted about going through tough times recently too. Hard to find the right words to reply sometimes, but I'm thinking of you all and wishing you all the best.

This. I'm guilty of only ever posting in here when I'm suffering myself. My PM box is always open for anyone who needs to chat or vent. Keep being awesome.

Thanks for the advice guys.

And I didn't think Octorocs post was malicious or anything, I just wrote it off as a joke that didn't quite land.

Now that the initial shock has worn off my wife seems to be doing a little better. Just makes things a bit all over the place as our belated Honeymoon to Japan is at the start of March and now this is hanging over us, but her dad has insisted that no matter what we still go, he doesn't want her to miss out on a potentially once in a lifetime trip like this.
She's going to be travelling to the US to see him for a week or so soon, though I likely won't be able to accompany her.

The other thing we need to consider is visa related stuff for her. She's here on a spouse visa and on the path to Indefinite leave to remain, but we need to consider how long she spends out of the country and how it could impact things. She was in the US for a month last November, and we'll be in Japan for 3 weeks in March. Ontop of her going to visit with this news there's, and I hate to say it and haven't said it to her, a very likely chance of needing to visit the US again at some point this year for a funeral. We shouldn't even need to worry about things like this just so she can go on living here, but we do.

aayl1 wrote:Maaaaybe on the "if there was a button that meant I never even existed I'd think about it" end of the spectrum very occasionally.

Yeah, I can see that. I think there's also that "if I had it in me to be suicidal I'd be suicidal, but I know I don't have it in me so I'm pretty much stuck being miserable forever" kind of thing. I discovered back when I was about 18 that I couldn't go through with it - it's not easy to explain how I know, I just know it.

Although I wouldn't say I'm miserable all the time. I find ways of getting on with things these days and just dealing with my life - I can get a little bit of enjoyment out of certain things now & then - but I'll have the odd low-mood moment when occasionally I realise my life has not really been fulfilling in any meaningful way, due to my issues which have kept getting in the way.

Glad to see harmony restored.

Sorry to hear of some of your ills. I cannot imagine personally going through it. My neighbour of 10 years, a lovely couple in their late 60's, found out the wife had Cancer last year. She's lost about half her bodyweight and all their plans of retiring in Greece etc gone up in smoke just like that. The husband is putting on a brave front, but you can see the toll it is taking on him. Last week they moved her bed downstairs, which I cannot imagine is a good sign. I have given them my parking space so visitors and family can easily visit and park. It's minimal but not sure what else I can do.

I think about it every day, and it makes me a sadder Albear(t) for it. I cannot imagine what it's like to be part of and you all have my deepest sympathies.

So many people go through this sort of trauma, which doesn't make it any easier, but the fact most come through the otherside is a testament to our resilience overall.

Imrahil wrote:

aayl1 wrote:Maaaaybe on the "if there was a button that meant I never even existed I'd think about it" end of the spectrum very occasionally.

Yeah, I can see that. I think there's also that "if I had it in me to be suicidal I'd be suicidal, but I know I don't have it in me so I'm pretty much stuck being miserable forever" kind of thing. I discovered back when I was about 18 that I couldn't go through with it - it's not easy to explain how I know, I just know it.

Although I wouldn't say I'm miserable all the time. I find ways of getting on with things these days and just dealing with my life - I can get a little bit of enjoyment out of certain things now & then - but I'll have the odd low-mood moment when occasionally I realise my life has not really been fulfilling in any meaningful way, due to my issues which have kept getting in the way.

I feel this as well.

A lot of the time I wish I wasn't alive, just because everything is so hard, stressful and there's no joy in life. No hobby scratches an itch anymore, I have no money, can't have the nice things in life that everyone seems to be able to have, sex life is nonexistent and all I do is work and sleep. Week in, week out.

But (as I've mentioned previously in the thread) I'd never commit suicide, for fear of doing it wrong, and the heart ache and trauma it'd deal to my kids. I couldn't check myself out knowing that I could be dealing them the same hand.

But I quite often wish that I'd get some sort of terminal illness, or be involved in some horrible accident and die so I could stop existing but also be alleviated of the guilt of suicide.
If it could happen out of my own control I'd almost welcome it.

I've been on Sertraline 50mg for about a year or so now. I guess it helps, but just masks the feeling more than anything.

I dunno, bit of a ramble..

LewisD wrote:

Imrahil wrote:

aayl1 wrote:Maaaaybe on the "if there was a button that meant I never even existed I'd think about it" end of the spectrum very occasionally.

Yeah, I can see that. I think there's also that "if I had it in me to be suicidal I'd be suicidal, but I know I don't have it in me so I'm pretty much stuck being miserable forever" kind of thing. I discovered back when I was about 18 that I couldn't go through with it - it's not easy to explain how I know, I just know it.

Although I wouldn't say I'm miserable all the time. I find ways of getting on with things these days and just dealing with my life - I can get a little bit of enjoyment out of certain things now & then - but I'll have the odd low-mood moment when occasionally I realise my life has not really been fulfilling in any meaningful way, due to my issues which have kept getting in the way.

I feel this as well.

A lot of the time I wish I wasn't alive, just because everything is so hard, stressful and there's no joy in life. No hobby scratches an itch anymore, I have no money, can't have the nice things in life that everyone seems to be able to have, sex life is nonexistent and all I do is work and sleep. Week in, week out.

But (as I've mentioned previously in the thread) I'd never commit suicide, for fear of doing it wrong, and the heart ache and trauma it'd deal to my kids. I couldn't check myself out knowing that I could be dealing them the same hand.

But I quite often wish that I'd get some sort of terminal illness, or be involved in some horrible accident and die so I could stop existing but also be alleviated of the guilt of suicide.
If it could happen out of my own control I'd almost welcome it.

I've been on Sertraline 50mg for about a year or so now. I guess it helps, but just masks the feeling more than anything.

I dunno, bit of a ramble..

I came close to anti-depressants around 6-8 years ago when my anxiety disorder flared up badly, but time sort of healed that mostly and I held off.

Adult life is harsh, unfairly harsh at times. Especially if for whatever reason you didn't start off on a successful path and have issues which make it notably more difficult to 'catch up' compared to others. It's almost impossible to hit the reset button and turn things round properly; probably not an uncommon source of many people's depression.

I have to admit, in my mid-40s now, it is becoming harder to find distractions and maintain a mode of being which keeps me feeling reasonably okay.

aayl1 wrote:Haha fortunately I'm a long way from that. Maaaaybe on the "if there was a button that meant I never even existed I'd think about it" end of the spectrum very occasionally.

I remember when I was in heavy therapy a year or so back and talking about suicide, and I remember really clearly saying something like 'I'm not suicidal, I don't actively want to kill myself, but I don't think I'd mind if I got hit by a bus'.

Apparently that's not normal, I didn't win my therapy session that day.

There's also something I've been wanting to get off my chest that I've kept off this board for a long time for a couple of reasons, not least because I got some really amazing messages of support and also had some really valuable discussions with people who were going or had gone through something similar and I didn't want to 'ruin it' for them if that's really the correct term.

I made a post about how I was behaving as a functional alcoholic and drinking absurd amounts (looking back now I'm not actually sure how I was putting away as much as I was and still getting to work but your body adjusts I guess). I made a few follow up posts about how I'd struggled with trying to stay sober and hadn't really managed it to any meaningful degree.

What I don't think I mentioned was that a few weeks after that, I had nothing short of a mental break and ended up being sectioned for just less than two weeks. Whilst on the ward, I was told that my depression (for which I was taking SSRIs) was actually misdiagnosed Type 2 Bipolar disorder. Further, not only were SSRIs therefore not the right medication, but they were actively amplifying and exacerbating the condition. I don't know the biology of it, but put it this way; this is one of the first things someone shared with me after I told them about my diagnosis;



So it's a... well known interaction.

So my meds were changed and after some more therapy I was discharged and it's amazing the change. The therapist told me that I was basically using alcohol to subdue the excess mania induced by the SSRIs and that fit perfectly. I was drinking to get my brain to shut the strawberry float up so I could sleep or remain stable. So it's now been a year or so on the new meds and there has been a massive reduction in my drinking, to the point where it's been noticed over Christmas by both my parents and in laws just how much less I'm going through (which, of course with the 'hidden drinking' being down to zero says a lot). My partner is less edgy about drinking around me because if she had a drink, I had an 'excuse' to but that itch isn't there to be scratched. Currently halfway through dry Jan and it's been so much easier. I still have a drink here or there if the occasion calls for it, but it's very easy to just not. Plus, you have so much more money and time when you're not orchestrating and organising your whole day around when you can drink.

That said, it's not all been rosy. The Bipolar meds do a good job of keeping you steady, but that does mean that whilst I don't get the devastating lows, you also miss out on the massive highs that came with it, and there's no way around it; they were fun (for me, anyway). A few comments have been made that I get less 'animated' about stuff, and I do get a horrible feeling that I'm probably just a bit more boring to be around but hey, thems the breaks I guess.

I'm really happy for you Skarjo. We love you, man.

Skarjo wrote:There's also something I've been wanting to get off my chest that I've kept off this board for a long time for a couple of reasons, not least because I got some really amazing messages of support and also had some really valuable discussions with people who were going or had gone through something similar and I didn't want to 'ruin it' for them if that's really the correct term.

I made a post about how I was behaving as a functional alcoholic and drinking absurd amounts (looking back now I'm not actually sure how I was putting away as much as I was and still getting to work but your body adjusts I guess). I made a few follow up posts about how I'd struggled with trying to stay sober and hadn't really managed it to any meaningful degree.

What I don't think I mentioned was that a few weeks after that, I had nothing short of a mental break and ended up being sectioned for just less than two weeks. Whilst on the ward, I was told that my depression (for which I was taking SSRIs) was actually misdiagnosed Type 2 Bipolar disorder. Further, not only were SSRIs therefore not the right medication, but they were actively amplifying and exacerbating the condition. I don't know the biology of it, but put it this way; this is one of the first things someone shared with me after I told them about my diagnosis;

So it's a... well known interaction.

So my meds were changed and after some more therapy I was discharged and it's amazing the change. The therapist told me that I was basically using alcohol to subdue the excess mania induced by the SSRIs and that fit perfectly. I was drinking to get my brain to shut the strawberry float up so I could sleep or remain stable. So it's now been a year or so on the new meds and there has been a massive reduction in my drinking, to the point where it's been noticed over Christmas by both my parents and in laws just how much less I'm going through (which, of course with the 'hidden drinking' being down to zero says a lot). My partner is less edgy about drinking around me because if she had a drink, I had an 'excuse' to but that itch isn't there to be scratched. Currently halfway through dry Jan and it's been so much easier. I still have a drink here or there if the occasion calls for it, but it's very easy to just not. Plus, you have so much more money and time when you're not orchestrating and organising your whole day around when you can drink.

That said, it's not all been rosy. The Bipolar meds do a good job of keeping you steady, but that does mean that whilst I don't get the devastating lows, you also miss out on the massive highs that came with it, and there's no way around it; they were fun (for me, anyway). A few comments have been made that I get less 'animated' about stuff, and I do get a horrible feeling that I'm probably just a bit more boring to be around but hey, thems the breaks I guess.

I'm really glad to hear this.

Remember with the thing about feeling more boring to friends and family. That's a small price to pay. If you feel more content (maybe not happy?) with who you are and how your health is, strawberry float what everyone else thinks and has to say. They may feel they're just making conversation, but comments like 'you're less fun' are just not helpful.

Things aren't looking great for my father in law.
My wife travelled out to the US yesterday to visit and from what she tells me he's worse than we had initially believed. He's having periods of deliriousness and is refusing food and drink. My wife is there for 3 weeks and honestly I don't think she expects him to last that long.

I can't imagine how hard this is for her and I feel awful at not being there with her, but I don't have that much leave remaining at work. I've got 5 days left which I'm keeping for when he does pass but I just hate that she's over there in that situation, even though her mum and siblings are there too.

Had a call from my wife this morning, her dad has passed away during the night.

What do I do? What do I say to her? I just wish I knew what to do for her.

Lagamorph wrote:Had a call from my wife this morning, her dad has passed away during the night.

What do I do? What do I say to her? I just wish I knew what to do for her.

Tell her you love her, that you're sorry he's gone and that you'll be there for her. There's nit much more you can do.

Sorry you're going through this.

Lagamorph wrote:Had a call from my wife this morning, her dad has passed away during the night.

What do I do? What do I say to her? I just wish I knew what to do for her.

This is awful news, at least she got to see him before it happened and at least I suppose he's no longer in pain.

Losing a parent isn't easy, there isn't really anything you can say other than that you're there if she needs your help and you'll do anything she needs you to do to help her get through this. When I lost my Mum honestly it didn't matter what people said it just didn't really enter, but knowing my family were around to help even if I necessarily didn't want to speak to anyone was a big help.

Just be there for her the best you can and I'm sorry for both of your loss.

Sprouty wrote:Tell her you love her, that you're sorry he's gone and that you'll be there for her. There's nit much more you can do.

Sorry you're going through this.

Qikz wrote:This is awful news, at least she got to see him before it happened and at least I suppose he's no longer in pain.

Losing a parent isn't easy, there isn't really anything you can say other than that you're there if she needs your help and you'll do anything she needs you to do to help her get through this. When I lost my Mum honestly it didn't matter what people said it just didn't really enter, but knowing my family were around to help even if I necessarily didn't want to speak to anyone was a big help.

Just be there for her the best you can and I'm sorry for both of your loss.

Thank you both. I am glad she at least got to see him, her original plan was to not go until Tuesday or Wednesday this week, so the fact we changed it to go a week earlier really was the right decision. If we had stuck with the original plan she wouldn't have had that chance to see him one more time.

I'm going to be heading over to the US as well in two weeks for about a week, to see the family and have a memorial gathering, then fly back with my wife on her originally planned flight. This way she gets another 3 weeks with everyone over in the US and then doesn't have the prospect of travelling back here all alone at the end of it.

Sorry to hear that mate. My gripes are trivial in comparison but will lay it all out here anyway.

I've been feeling proper overwhelmed with things going wrong all at once in the space of the past month in my house.

Whole pile of external render/harling/pebbledash/whatever you want to call it came off the chimney's during high winds last month
Washing machine straight up broke last week and we're handwashing clothes until payday
The heavy snow has wiped out the guttering near our back door and it's lying on the ground now
About a month ago a guy in high vis came to the door asking to look at our external drain as they are "upgrading the village's sewer network", checked the drain last night as toilet being funny and the external drain is full of water. So I suspect whatever they did there has knocked out the balance of the water flow.

One of these problems alone I could deal with but I'm running out of mental capacity lol

Logged a case with scottish water, currently on the phone about my open insurance case for the chimney, guessing it will make more sense to get someone to try and reattach the guttering that fell. It just seems this damn house is falling apart and I want to crawl into bed and let it happen today... Maybe renting isn't so bad after all.

Life's given me a bit of an ass-kicking recently so excuse the need to vent/rambly post.

Firstly, I had the joy of being divorced at 33 last year. Marriage ended quite messily in 2022 (you have to wait twelve months to legally divorce), and I certainly don't want to be JKed so all I'll say about it here is that it was a stressful end to the relationship, and continues to be stressful from time to time even now.

Had to move three times in the interim due to being unable to afford rent, then from my mum's spare room, then due to the flat I was living in needing to be sold to pay the owner's assisted living costs. I scraped together the cash to buy a dilapated old house from a family member, which then cost a load of money to clean because the previous tenant had left it in an absolute disgrace of a state. I'm now struggling to afford the mortgage because...

I made the decision - stupid in hindsight - to leave a low-paying but stable role to pursue the thing I have several degrees in two years ago. Took on a short-term contract which was extended a little bit, then relatively abruptly ended. This is frustrating enough, though not wholly unexpected, but I've applied to 25+ jobs that I am sufficiently skilled enough and experienced enough for in anticipation of the end of the contract, and not had a sniff of an interview. The joys of an academic system that churns out PhDs without having enough jobs to support graduates - there are hundreds of people going for every role. Even more frustratingly, I was on a research trip abroad when I was told the contract was ending, which was quite stressful.

What's even more frustrating is that I applied for another role with the same company and was rejected for an interview today. There is supposed to be a redeployment policy to guarantee interviews to suitable colleagues as long as they hit the required competencies, and I very much do, so something has gone wrong. There are currently a grand total of zero roles in the UK in my specialism, and very few administrative roles. I have minimal savings, because of the aforementioned house purchase.

My plan was to use my car to do deliveries or travel for work if I had to while I waited for the interview I was supposed to have, but sadly my mum managed to somehow blow it up while I was in New Zealand. This has been incredibly frustrating, but the silver lining I suppose is that the payout was higher than expected and will give me an extra month before my pathetic savings run out.

I know in many respects I shouldn't complain - there have been high spots. I bought a house! My old department provided me with a bit of cash to go to archives in London, Canberra and Auckland last year and I've managed to find enough material to potentially write another book (that I won't be paid for). My nephew was born in late 2022 and he's amazing. I also have an interview for a scholarship that would be really important and really great and cool in February, but it's only for 4-6 months and I need to, you know, survive until it begins in Autumn. But in almost every other respect - career, relationships, finances, life has fallen apart a little bit since 2022.

Tl;dr, I'm jobless, broke, divorced, and my car is a burned-out wreck, and quite a bit of it seems to be my own fault.

Johnny Ryall wrote:Sorry to hear that mate. My gripes are trivial in comparison but will lay it all out here anyway.

I've been feeling proper overwhelmed with things going wrong all at once in the space of the past month in my house.

Whole pile of external render/harling/pebbledash/whatever you want to call it came off the chimney's during high winds last month
Washing machine straight up broke last week and we're handwashing clothes until payday
The heavy snow has wiped out the guttering near our back door and it's lying on the ground now
About a month ago a guy in high vis came to the door asking to look at our external drain as they are "upgrading the village's sewer network", checked the drain last night as toilet being funny and the external drain is full of water. So I suspect whatever they did there has knocked out the balance of the water flow.

One of these problems alone I could deal with but I'm running out of mental capacity lol

Logged a case with scottish water, currently on the phone about my open insurance case for the chimney, guessing it will make more sense to get someone to try and reattach the guttering that fell. It just seems this damn house is falling apart and I want to crawl into bed and let it happen today... Maybe renting isn't so bad after all.

Missed this Craig, sorry to hear it. It's definitely OK to be overwhelmed and stressed with all the stuff that needs doing - they're not trivial gripes so don't beat yourself with that stick either. I hope you get it all worked out, mate.

RetroCora wrote:Life's given me a bit of an ass-kicking recently so excuse the need to vent/rambly post.

Firstly, I had the joy of being divorced at 33 last year. Marriage ended quite messily in 2022 (you have to wait twelve months to legally divorce), and I certainly don't want to be JKed so all I'll say about it here is that it was a stressful end to the relationship, and continues to be stressful from time to time even now.

Had to move three times in the interim due to being unable to afford rent, then from my mum's spare room, then due to the flat I was living in needing to be sold to pay the owner's assisted living costs. I scraped together the cash to buy a dilapated old house from a family member, which then cost a load of money to clean because the previous tenant had left it in an absolute disgrace of a state. I'm now struggling to afford the mortgage because...

I made the decision - stupid in hindsight - to leave a low-paying but stable role to pursue the thing I have several degrees in two years ago. Took on a short-term contract which was extended a little bit, then relatively abruptly ended. This is frustrating enough, though not wholly unexpected, but I've applied to 25+ jobs that I am sufficiently skilled enough and experienced enough for in anticipation of the end of the contract, and not had a sniff of an interview. The joys of an academic system that churns out PhDs without having enough jobs to support graduates - there are hundreds of people going for every role. Even more frustratingly, I was on a research trip abroad when I was told the contract was ending, which was quite stressful.

What's even more frustrating is that I applied for another role with the same company and was rejected for an interview today. There is supposed to be a redeployment policy to guarantee interviews to suitable colleagues as long as they hit the required competencies, and I very much do, so something has gone wrong. There are currently a grand total of zero roles in the UK in my specialism, and very few administrative roles. I have minimal savings, because of the aforementioned house purchase.

My plan was to use my car to do deliveries or travel for work if I had to while I waited for the interview I was supposed to have, but sadly my mum managed to somehow blow it up while I was in New Zealand. This has been incredibly frustrating, but the silver lining I suppose is that the payout was higher than expected and will give me an extra month before my pathetic savings run out.

I know in many respects I shouldn't complain - there have been high spots. I bought a house! My old department provided me with a bit of cash to go to archives in London, Canberra and Auckland last year and I've managed to find enough material to potentially write another book (that I won't be paid for). My nephew was born in late 2022 and he's amazing. I also have an interview for a scholarship that would be really important and really great and cool in February, but it's only for 4-6 months and I need to, you know, survive until it begins in Autumn. But in almost every other respect - career, relationships, finances, life has fallen apart a little bit since 2022.

Tl;dr, I'm jobless, broke, divorced, and my car is a burned-out wreck, and quite a bit of it seems to be my own fault.

Aw mate I'm sorry I remember hearing about you getting married

Johnny Ryall wrote:

RetroCora wrote:Life's given me a bit of an ass-kicking recently so excuse the need to vent/rambly post.

Firstly, I had the joy of being divorced at 33 last year. Marriage ended quite messily in 2022 (you have to wait twelve months to legally divorce), and I certainly don't want to be JKed so all I'll say about it here is that it was a stressful end to the relationship, and continues to be stressful from time to time even now.

Had to move three times in the interim due to being unable to afford rent, then from my mum's spare room, then due to the flat I was living in needing to be sold to pay the owner's assisted living costs. I scraped together the cash to buy a dilapated old house from a family member, which then cost a load of money to clean because the previous tenant had left it in an absolute disgrace of a state. I'm now struggling to afford the mortgage because...

I made the decision - stupid in hindsight - to leave a low-paying but stable role to pursue the thing I have several degrees in two years ago. Took on a short-term contract which was extended a little bit, then relatively abruptly ended. This is frustrating enough, though not wholly unexpected, but I've applied to 25+ jobs that I am sufficiently skilled enough and experienced enough for in anticipation of the end of the contract, and not had a sniff of an interview. The joys of an academic system that churns out PhDs without having enough jobs to support graduates - there are hundreds of people going for every role. Even more frustratingly, I was on a research trip abroad when I was told the contract was ending, which was quite stressful.

What's even more frustrating is that I applied for another role with the same company and was rejected for an interview today. There is supposed to be a redeployment policy to guarantee interviews to suitable colleagues as long as they hit the required competencies, and I very much do, so something has gone wrong. There are currently a grand total of zero roles in the UK in my specialism, and very few administrative roles. I have minimal savings, because of the aforementioned house purchase.

My plan was to use my car to do deliveries or travel for work if I had to while I waited for the interview I was supposed to have, but sadly my mum managed to somehow blow it up while I was in New Zealand. This has been incredibly frustrating, but the silver lining I suppose is that the payout was higher than expected and will give me an extra month before my pathetic savings run out.

I know in many respects I shouldn't complain - there have been high spots. I bought a house! My old department provided me with a bit of cash to go to archives in London, Canberra and Auckland last year and I've managed to find enough material to potentially write another book (that I won't be paid for). My nephew was born in late 2022 and he's amazing. I also have an interview for a scholarship that would be really important and really great and cool in February, but it's only for 4-6 months and I need to, you know, survive until it begins in Autumn. But in almost every other respect - career, relationships, finances, life has fallen apart a little bit since 2022.

Tl;dr, I'm jobless, broke, divorced, and my car is a burned-out wreck, and quite a bit of it seems to be my own fault.

Aw mate I'm sorry I remember hearing about you getting married

Cheers mate. Honestly, the marriage breakdown was, given what's happened since, an absolute blessing, but it's not exactly a nice feeling to know that you've failed at maintaining a relationship with someone you committed your life to. Nevertheless, onwards and upwards to the next problem - the storms have blown a tree and a telephone pole into my garden and wrecked my fence.