Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

Cora, the language you use in your posts. Your fault, you've failed etc. Try to be kinder to yourself, you're a good bloke. You don't deserve someone being so cruel to you, not even yourself.

Thanks Huw, good of you to say. And apologies, I only check the forum irregularly nowadays and missed that post completely. Anyway, time for more self-indulgence:

There's a much longer story to this but one that is definitely my fault, though, is that I had to cut contact with a now ex-partner last night, and only realised halfway through a conversation that it was the right call to make. We dated for about eight months, she wanted to be friends after the fact and stay in contact, I want more than that. I tried to do it her way for a few weeks and thought the distance would help me move on (she lives in America), but when we stopped being as close as we were and messaging every day I tried to have a conversation about it. This only made things into a giant mess, and I think really hurt her because I just message without thinking when I actually need to stop, consider how I word things and explain myself properly. I also think while I talk, and that just leads to a hurricane of a conversation for the other person. I feel terrible.

Long story short I kind of came to the realisation halfway through that conversation that I've been in denial since the turn of the year really - she does not and will not ever feel the same way as I do about her - and therefore needed to step back. I also stupidly implied that I regret the whole thing (which I do at the moment, but strawberry floating hell Cora rule 1 of break-ups is that you don't tell the other person that). We'd been trying long-distance for six months before she came over for nearly a month in November and it didn't quite work out, she didn't feel what she thought she did and just couldn't get herself into the relationship headspace. I think she took one look at me with all my worries and insecurities and was like "strawberry float that," which I can't really blame anyone for.

We left it last night at her asking me to get back in touch when I feel like I can, but actually I don't see how that'll ever be healthy. It's the right call for both of us, and I know that, but Christ almighty I hate it - it's taking all my willpower not to send grovelling apologies and beg for us to just be friends. This particular hit feels worse than most of the others combined, because I'd only just really recovered from the divorce when we met and I really thought this relationship had a chance - she's lovely, cares deeply for the people around her, and is a lot of fun to be around. I loved talking to her, and we had such a great time when things were clicking. And then, I guess, they didn't click for her anymore.

My life is a bit of a mess, really, and I have no idea how to make it better. But hey, I have a nice tattoo now, no nails through it or anything.

Found out my Uncle had a heart attack and died yesterday, the last uncle I had left that I was close to.... Found out at like 10:30 at night, talked to my Dad, had a bit of time dealing with it the best I can and then decided Id go to sleep and that I'd call my daughter in the morning.... I wake up to a message from my daughter telling me off for not calling her like two paragraphs worth of her being the last to know and it's wrong..

Some times I honestly feel like whatever I do I can't do right and I'm peeing someone off. This has started my day off really badly and I have a birthday party for my father in law to go to and stuff I'm supposed to sort out.

RetroCora wrote:Thanks Huw, good of you to say. And apologies, I only check the forum irregularly nowadays and missed that post completely. Anyway, time for more self-indulgence:

There's a much longer story to this but one that is definitely my fault, though, is that I had to cut contact with a now ex-partner last night, and only realised halfway through a conversation that it was the right call to make. We dated for about eight months, she wanted to be friends after the fact and stay in contact, I want more than that. I tried to do it her way for a few weeks and thought the distance would help me move on (she lives in America), but when we stopped being as close as we were and messaging every day I tried to have a conversation about it. This only made things into a giant mess, and I think really hurt her because I just message without thinking when I actually need to stop, consider how I word things and explain myself properly. I also think while I talk, and that just leads to a hurricane of a conversation for the other person. I feel terrible.

Long story short I kind of came to the realisation halfway through that conversation that I've been in denial since the turn of the year really - she does not and will not ever feel the same way as I do about her - and therefore needed to step back. I also stupidly implied that I regret the whole thing (which I do at the moment, but strawberry floating hell Cora rule 1 of break-ups is that you don't tell the other person that). We'd been trying long-distance for six months before she came over for nearly a month in November and it didn't quite work out, she didn't feel what she thought she did and just couldn't get herself into the relationship headspace. I think she took one look at me with all my worries and insecurities and was like "strawberry float that," which I can't really blame anyone for.

We left it last night at her asking me to get back in touch when I feel like I can, but actually I don't see how that'll ever be healthy. It's the right call for both of us, and I know that, but Christ almighty I hate it - it's taking all my willpower not to send grovelling apologies and beg for us to just be friends. This particular hit feels worse than most of the others combined, because I'd only just really recovered from the divorce when we met and I really thought this relationship had a chance - she's lovely, cares deeply for the people around her, and is a lot of fun to be around. I loved talking to her, and we had such a great time when things were clicking. And then, I guess, they didn't click for her anymore.

My life is a bit of a mess, really, and I have no idea how to make it better. But hey, I have a nice tattoo now, no nails through it or anything.

It's hard when you make a connection with someone to cut-them out. But you owe that to yourself.

I had something not too dissimilar in 2020, after a year of little contact in 2021 I met up with her and agreed we'd try to be friends. Within weeks of texting and exchanging memes, I allowed me feelings to be overcome by her actions even though it had nothing to do with me. So I cut her out for longer.

Late in 2022 I got in touch, and revisited the period of 2020 where we fell apart. We were open and honest with each other then, and I respect her for giving me that opportunity. But I discovered a lot about her that I didn't particularly like and knew I'd avoided something not great. She had felt anger towards me when all I'd felt was heartbreak for her. We've exchanged a few messages since then, usually over birthdays etc. But this Christmas and new year I kept it silent, and she was silent too, and I feel mostly relief.

Im on one hell of a journey right now learning some self-love and respect for myself. This girl never loved or respected me, her actions were often selfish, my actions weren't perfect either. We'd have been terrible for one another. I just wish I'd realised that 4 years ago.

I hope me talking about this hasn't swung the conversation on myself like a narcissist, I just wanted to point out that it hopefully will get better with time. Please take time out of your day to be kind to yourself and ask yourself what you need, and try your best not to criticise your past actions, they do not make you who you are today.

kerr9000 wrote:Found out my Uncle had a heart attack and died yesterday, the last uncle I had left that I was close to.... Found out at like 10:30 at night, talked to my Dad, had a bit of time dealing with it the best I can and then decided Id go to sleep and that I'd call my daughter in the morning.... I wake up to a message from my daughter telling me off for not calling her like two paragraphs worth of her being the last to know and it's wrong..

Some times I honestly feel like whatever I do I can't do right and I'm peeing someone off. This has started my day off really badly and I have a birthday party for my father in law to go to and stuff I'm supposed to sort out.

You're daughter has absolutely no right to talk to you like that. It's selfish on her part. What she's done there is pure gaslighting techniques mate. You have to explain that to her in a kind way. You have feelings too, just because she's your daughter does not give her an excuse to trample on them.

It sounds like a selfish and hurtful outburst but to be fair I don't think it's gaslighting -- that's a really strong word to throw around.

It probably is a strong word to be fair. It all depends on how old your daughter is etc too. If she's a full fledged adult and she knows you struggle with mental health yourself, it's not a kind thing to do to you. If she's not(or hell even if she is), then a gentle approach conversation with her on how that message made you feel may be a good approach, confrontation done in the right way is good for a relationship. Running in screaming gaslighter may be somewhat overdramatic. I just got a bit enraged on your part. Apologies.

Also - I am sad to read about your Uncle, always remember you can vent on here whenever you need.

Curls wrote:

RetroCora wrote:Thanks Huw, good of you to say. And apologies, I only check the forum irregularly nowadays and missed that post completely. Anyway, time for more self-indulgence:

There's a much longer story to this but one that is definitely my fault, though, is that I had to cut contact with a now ex-partner last night, and only realised halfway through a conversation that it was the right call to make. We dated for about eight months, she wanted to be friends after the fact and stay in contact, I want more than that. I tried to do it her way for a few weeks and thought the distance would help me move on (she lives in America), but when we stopped being as close as we were and messaging every day I tried to have a conversation about it. This only made things into a giant mess, and I think really hurt her because I just message without thinking when I actually need to stop, consider how I word things and explain myself properly. I also think while I talk, and that just leads to a hurricane of a conversation for the other person. I feel terrible.

Long story short I kind of came to the realisation halfway through that conversation that I've been in denial since the turn of the year really - she does not and will not ever feel the same way as I do about her - and therefore needed to step back. I also stupidly implied that I regret the whole thing (which I do at the moment, but strawberry floating hell Cora rule 1 of break-ups is that you don't tell the other person that). We'd been trying long-distance for six months before she came over for nearly a month in November and it didn't quite work out, she didn't feel what she thought she did and just couldn't get herself into the relationship headspace. I think she took one look at me with all my worries and insecurities and was like "strawberry float that," which I can't really blame anyone for.

We left it last night at her asking me to get back in touch when I feel like I can, but actually I don't see how that'll ever be healthy. It's the right call for both of us, and I know that, but Christ almighty I hate it - it's taking all my willpower not to send grovelling apologies and beg for us to just be friends. This particular hit feels worse than most of the others combined, because I'd only just really recovered from the divorce when we met and I really thought this relationship had a chance - she's lovely, cares deeply for the people around her, and is a lot of fun to be around. I loved talking to her, and we had such a great time when things were clicking. And then, I guess, they didn't click for her anymore.

My life is a bit of a mess, really, and I have no idea how to make it better. But hey, I have a nice tattoo now, no nails through it or anything.

It's hard when you make a connection with someone to cut-them out. But you owe that to yourself.

I had something not too dissimilar in 2020, after a year of little contact in 2021 I met up with her and agreed we'd try to be friends. Within weeks of texting and exchanging memes, I allowed me feelings to be overcome by her actions even though it had nothing to do with me. So I cut her out for longer.

Late in 2022 I got in touch, and revisited the period of 2020 where we fell apart. We were open and honest with each other then, and I respect her for giving me that opportunity. But I discovered a lot about her that I didn't particularly like and knew I'd avoided something not great. She had felt anger towards me when all I'd felt was heartbreak for her. We've exchanged a few messages since then, usually over birthdays etc. But this Christmas and new year I kept it silent, and she was silent too, and I feel mostly relief.

Im on one hell of a journey right now learning some self-love and respect for myself. This girl never loved or respected me, her actions were often selfish, my actions weren't perfect either. We'd have been terrible for one another. I just wish I'd realised that 4 years ago.

I hope me talking about this hasn't swung the conversation on myself like a narcissist, I just wanted to point out that it hopefully will get better with time. Please take time out of your day to be kind to yourself and ask yourself what you need, and try your best not to criticise your past actions, they do not make you who you are today.

Far from it, Huw. It helps to hear other people's stories, and I appreciate it. It sounds like we've had similar experiences, and I'm sorry that happened to you - from what I know, you're doing all the right things to move forward and improve your outlook and I hugely respect that, it's really impressive work.

With a few days of no contact and the rose-tinted specs coming off, I'm feeling quite angry about some things that happened where my feelings really weren't taken into account. And I'm also feeling major regret over things that I said and did, where she'll certainly feel that her feelings weren't considered. This isn't the relationship thread and it wouldn't be appropriate to share any intimate details, but I think I basically let my guard down and anxiety-Cora took over at times, which can't be fun to deal with.

It's a strange one. When my ex-wife left our relationship had already deteriorated to the point where I think I was already mentally prepared for it, so I didn't feel as cut up as I thought I might. It was shitty, and it was stressful, but the overwhelming feeling was relief. With this it was a bit more of a shock, and now I actually feel worse because there's a lot of other gooseberry fool going wrong, and I'm also grieving for what might have been. And from a selfish point of view, I seem to have managed to completely alienate someone within three weeks of them very excitedly coming over to visit - what the strawberry float is wrong with my personality?

kerr9000 wrote:Found out my Uncle had a heart attack and died yesterday...

kerr, I'm sorry to hear about the passing of your uncle. I wonder if your daughter was, of course, upset when she heard the news and, in that moment, lashed out a bit. Upon reflection, and maybe once you've spoken, she may feel a little differently. It's always difficult to hear bad/upsetting news and people react in different ways.

I hope that you can soon talk and smooth things out during this tough time. All the best, pal.

Curls wrote:It probably is a strong word to be fair. It all depends on how old your daughter is etc too. If she's a full fledged adult and she knows you struggle with mental health yourself, it's not a kind thing to do to you. If she's not(or hell even if she is), then a gentle approach conversation with her on how that message made you feel may be a good approach, confrontation done in the right way is good for a relationship. Running in screaming gaslighter may be somewhat overdramatic. I just got a bit enraged on your part. Apologies.

Also - I am sad to read about your Uncle, always remember you can vent on here whenever you need.

I talked to her and she cried a lot and said she was sorry, shes 21 and away in Uni, she can be a bit hot headed and despite her doing things like volunteering for an autism charity she doesn't always seem to take my ways into account in the best way. It just bothered me because I had the upset of my Uncle dying and worrying about my Aunt and cousins at night and then woke up to a message from her having a dig so It was just the fact I fell asleep to it and woke up to it.

Thank you everyone for your well wishes.

kerr9000 wrote:

Curls wrote:It probably is a strong word to be fair. It all depends on how old your daughter is etc too. If she's a full fledged adult and she knows you struggle with mental health yourself, it's not a kind thing to do to you. If she's not(or hell even if she is), then a gentle approach conversation with her on how that message made you feel may be a good approach, confrontation done in the right way is good for a relationship. Running in screaming gaslighter may be somewhat overdramatic. I just got a bit enraged on your part. Apologies.

Also - I am sad to read about your Uncle, always remember you can vent on here whenever you need.

I talked to her and she cried a lot and said she was sorry, shes 21 and away in Uni, she can be a bit hot headed and despite her doing things like volunteering for an autism charity she doesn't always seem to take my ways into account in the best way. It just bothered me because I had the upset of my Uncle dying and worrying about my Aunt and cousins at night and then woke up to a message from her having a dig so It was just the fact I fell asleep to it and woke up to it.

Thank you everyone for your well wishes.

Glad you were able to sort things out with her Kerr. Sorry to hear about your uncle, all the best buddy.

RetroCora wrote:

kerr9000 wrote:

Curls wrote:It probably is a strong word to be fair. It all depends on how old your daughter is etc too. If she's a full fledged adult and she knows you struggle with mental health yourself, it's not a kind thing to do to you. If she's not(or hell even if she is), then a gentle approach conversation with her on how that message made you feel may be a good approach, confrontation done in the right way is good for a relationship. Running in screaming gaslighter may be somewhat overdramatic. I just got a bit enraged on your part. Apologies.

Also - I am sad to read about your Uncle, always remember you can vent on here whenever you need.

I talked to her and she cried a lot and said she was sorry, shes 21 and away in Uni, she can be a bit hot headed and despite her doing things like volunteering for an autism charity she doesn't always seem to take my ways into account in the best way. It just bothered me because I had the upset of my Uncle dying and worrying about my Aunt and cousins at night and then woke up to a message from her having a dig so It was just the fact I fell asleep to it and woke up to it.

Thank you everyone for your well wishes.

Glad you were able to sort things out with her Kerr. Sorry to hear about your uncle, all the best buddy.

Thanks Cora, much appreciated.

I've just cancelled my monthly sub (£11.99) for Fallout 76. My annual PS Plus Essential sub (£59.99) soons expires and I'm not planning to renew it for a while, either. Seemingly very small, minor changes but, leisure wise, it's a big thing for me as I've spent so much time on it these past few years. Things are really tight and I need to focus on sorting myself out and getting into work.

Not looking for any kind of response; it just felt good to type it out.

I had no idea you had to pay a sub to play that game on console, I always assumed it was free like on PC.

Imrahil wrote:I had no idea you had to pay a sub to play that game on console, I always assumed it was free like on PC.

You can choose to play for free; but the sub (available on all formats) grants you purchase credits, a private server, unlimted storage for materials and a few other things that are useful.

jawa_ wrote:I've just cancelled my monthly sub (£11.99) for Fallout 76. My annual PS Plus Essential sub (£59.99) soons expires and I'm not planning to renew it for a while, either. Seemingly very small, minor changes but, leisure wise, it's a big thing for me as I've spent so much time on it these past few years. Things are really tight and I need to focus on sorting myself out and getting into work.

Not looking for any kind of response; it just felt good to type it out.

Sorry to hear your having to tighten the purse strings.... Do you need to have the PS Plus sub as well as the Fallout 76 sub to play Fallout 76?

kerr9000 wrote:Sorry to hear your having to tighten the purse strings.... Do you need to have the PS Plus sub as well as the Fallout 76 sub to play Fallout 76?

kerr, ta dude, it's not so much the money thing that is really the crux (although I have to sort that out); it's more that I'm putting too much time into it and I have to get myself going and back to work.

But, hey, I just need to get on with it :-).

I can understand that. My mum builds virtual worlds and has lost various servers over the years due to costs or hacking or other unfortunate things like that. But you can always start again. Sometimes we cling onto things and don't necessarily make all that much progress until it's no longer available to us. Certainly not easy, but I've probably forgotten about at least as many projects that depended on some kind of infrastructure that wasn't sustainable any more, or I just didn't have this or that thing anymore. Or it was just too resource intensive.

We all have the same 24hrs in the day. Focusing on one thing may lead to tech debt in other areas. It's a fairly simple technical jargon to understand, but often some things we pursue are at the cost of something else that we therefore can't. And then we spend even more time maintaining that thing owing to its inherent inefficiencies, the same time that could be spent on pretty much anything else, but we justify it to maintain a status quo.

Well done for doing those things Jawa. Sad you are depriving yourself of something you enjoy (doing things you enjoy is important when job searching) but positive that you recognise you may need to push other things forward. Me, I would see how I got on going cold turkey then maybe consider playing again but ration and stick to a time allowance. If you have the discipline to give up completely, would have thought you could say play for an hour per day (or however much time you can afford). Shame to give up something you enjoy - perhaps you just need to evaluate your relationship with it. But whatever works for you. Good luck, you got this

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I'm really struggling at the moment

Thanks guys. I've been strongly focusing on F76 to avoid dealing with other stuff; not in a harmful way as such, but now the point has been reached of "for strawb's sake, jawa, you really need to sort these things out". Oh well, let's see.