Johnny Ryall wrote:Nothing wrong with getting counseling mate, nothing to be ashamed of. Verging on relationship advice thread here but you might want to have "that chat" with him and define what your relationship is and if you are exclusive or not (and if as you say he is in or out of the closet). It sounds like you might be getting mixed messages, especially if you are saying he is in the closet.
Do you think you will ever meet up IRL? Would you be willing to move, or would he?
It's up to you mate, you might get an answer you don't like, but at least you'll know and won't have to catastrophise and worry about "what if"s.
We're gonna meet up IRL when I get to go Japan at some point soon. I don't think this is going to be a long term thing anyways (although it might be, who knows) it's just while it can last I've been really happy getting the attention I do from him and he makes me feel happy which for at least now is better than I feel with anyone else. I guess I just have a major issue needing validation from other people, because my brain and everything I ever feel is about how trash I am. When I'm with someone else those feelings go away even for a little bit and the moment I end up left alone again it all starts coming back. I think all of those feelings getting much worse happened when my Mum died. I used to speak to her multiple times every day and it meant even if I had nobody else to talk to I had my Mum I could confide in. After that I found VRChat and I made a load of new friends and then I ended up getting dangerously addicted to something which allowed me to explore my sexuality and get the feeling of bonding with other people albeit momentarily. Then that made playing VRChat a bad thing for me and I'd basically lost all hope. Then I met this guy and everything suddenly got better. I felt better about myself and found enjoyment in things I'd not been able to enjoy for ages.
Johnny Ryall wrote:Nothing wrong with getting counseling mate, nothing to be ashamed of. Verging on relationship advice thread here but you might want to have "that chat" with him and define what your relationship is and if you are exclusive or not (and if as you say he is in or out of the closet). It sounds like you might be getting mixed messages, especially if you are saying he is in the closet.
Do you think you will ever meet up IRL? Would you be willing to move, or would he?
It's up to you mate, you might get an answer you don't like, but at least you'll know and won't have to catastrophise and worry about "what if"s.
We're gonna meet up IRL when I get to go Japan at some point soon. I don't think this is going to be a long term thing anyways (although it might be, who knows) it's just while it can last I've been really happy getting the attention I do from him and he makes me feel happy which for at least now is better than I feel with anyone else. I guess I just have a major issue needing validation from other people, because my brain and everything I ever feel is about how trash I am. When I'm with someone else those feelings go away even for a little bit and the moment I end up left alone again it all starts coming back. I think all of those feelings getting much worse happened when my Mum died. I used to speak to her multiple times every day and it meant even if I had nobody else to talk to I had my Mum I could confide in. After that I found VRChat and I made a load of new friends and then I ended up getting dangerously addicted to something which allowed me to explore my sexuality and get the feeling of bonding with other people albeit momentarily. Then that made playing VRChat a bad thing for me and I'd basically lost all hope. Then I met this guy and everything suddenly got better. I felt better about myself and found enjoyment in things I'd not been able to enjoy for ages.
I know what it's like when your mum's a great friend and an absolute rock for you, my mum meant the world to me and it's hard to get over someone special like that.... I was with someone when my mum passed and although they weren't the one it helped sometimes you need to focus on now not forever....
Thanks for listening to my gooseberry fool yesterday, felt a lot better by the end of the day. Got to talk with that person about how I felt bad and he gave me some advice that helps him sometimes - not sure it really helps but it basically boils down to imagine him saying things that I know are true which my brain is telling me isn't in the hopes that it stops me from falling too far off the deep end. My brain is always putting myself down, so he said some things that made me feel better and said if you feel bad again just remember me saying these and that helped a lot.
Got a good nights sleep as well which I think helped a lot.
Sounds like one of the big symptoms of Anxiety mate. Mind reading. I only had a couple of face to face counseling sessions but one time they had me explain my thoughts on how I thought people perceived me, and she again and again came back and asked me "explain to me how you know this is a fact" (or something to that effect) and eventually it flicked that switch that how I think of myself isn't the same way everyone else in the world thinks of me.
So yeah good advice when you are beating yourself up like that, your feelings aren't facts...
I feel overwhelmed with the feeling that I want to disappear . Sell everything I own. Move somewhere new. Cut off contact from everyone. Start again from scratch.
Bit of a weird one, and something I’ve written, deleted and written again.
I’ve struggled quite a bit the last few months.
So long story short, start of December the Mrs started feeling ill, dizzy a couple of times while driving, fainting once etc. Doctors couldn’t work out what the matter was, she’s had scans, tests, everything. At one point they thought it was cancer after finding a mass in her chest and thankfully it turned out to be a large cyst instead. She’s been off work since Jan and only returned in June but it’s meant I’ve had to do everything in the house, do all the shopping, sort out the boy for school drop off and pick up, after school clubs, etc.
I think that hit me quite a bit, but knew I had to crack on for the good of the family and making sure everything functioned. Not to mention I’ve got a pretty big job in my company so don’t really have time to “stop”. It’s resulted in me feeling a bit meh... lethargic is probably a good description. Can’t be bothered to do anything that requires any effort.
I’ve shut myself away from a lot of friends quite a bit, the only time I really force myself out and socialise is my wargaming club every fortnight and that’s only because I run it and have to open/set-up and lock up. Hell even yesterday I had the day to myself as little man has gone to Mums for the week and rather than go down to a gaming tournament at a local gaming store I ended up cancelling that and spent the whole day sitting in the man cave by myself playing Football Manager and Xbox all day as that was the easier option.
I don’t know whether it’s part of the fallout from lockdown too, I worked the whole pandemic in the mancave as Amazon was the only customer still buying from us, while 95% of the company was furloughed. Since returning to ‘normal’ I’m only in the office 1 out of 5 days the rest I work from home in isolation (my own choice, I went back for a week and I absolutely hated the noise).
Sorry for the long rant, like I said I’ve rewrote this multiple times over the last few months, not really expecting anything just nice to vent somewhere and get it all out.
Going to try and be a bit more frequent on here too, always enjoyed the forum over the years but have definitely dipped in and out for long periods, want to fix that. I enjoyed running Secret Santa at Christmas, gave me a bit of a purpose and distraction from everything. Plus it’s always great seeing the forum all come together for each other.
I've typed this out a few times and deleted it before submitting it every time as I can't see any way to change the situation.
Been feeling unusually down myself the last few days with a few things weighing on my mind (one which which I don't really want to talk about).
Obviously there's my severe disability and all the gooseberry fool that comes with being virtually paralyzed and unable to do even the most basic personal tasks without help but I usually find myself able to deal with that by gaming, listening to music and generally keeping my mind busy. Recently however, and I don't know if this has caused me to subconsciously re-evaluate my own life, since my brother married his long term partner and they're expecting their first child (which I couldn't be happier about), I've had this lingering feeling that my life has little purpose beyond simply existing.
I don't hate my life and would like it to continue for as many more years as possible but sometimes I can't shake the nagging doubt of "is this enough?" usually the answer is that it has to be, given the circumstances of my situation but ask myself that today and the answer is that I don't know anymore.
I don't expect any real solution but I just felt like venting to this small section of the internet I calll home.
This might not help, but there is a channel I watch that highlights mentally and physically disabled people to help normalise differennce.
Recently they made a video where a physically handicapped woman talked about adopting her son who had the same condition as her. She's also confined to a wheelchair and needs help for most things.
I can send you a link if you like. I know it's not a fix or anything, but maybe it will help foster some optimism for your future?
There's also someone else on there who is in an interabled relationship. He has that disease that makes your muscles atrophy.
Maybe you could use your computer skills to help others somehow? You've always helped out people on the forum, maybe there is something else you could do for charity that involves only needing a computer? I think helping others in need is a great way to feel more self-value yourself.
For the record, I've always admired the way you post and how upbeat you generally are. Life must not be easy for you with your disability, but I'm very glad you stick around these parts.
Ironhide wrote:Thanks Fade, I think it might be worth a look at least.
Hope they help a little
The couple have a whole vlog channel called Wormy and Grubs if you wanted to learn more about them.
I have actually seen the couples content before, think the guy has the same condition as I do, or at least a form of it. (Edit: its similar but not the same).
It is quite inspirational but I suspect they met at a younger age before his disability was as 'problematic' and already had a strong relationship (I almost had similar with a girl I brieffly went out a with in my early teens, we were childhood friends since primary school but I don't think she was into me as much as Ii was her and it just fizzled out,, tried to stay friends but it wasn't the same and we gradually drifted apart after a while, haven't spoken to each other since leaving school which I still feel slightly bad about but that's the nature of teen relationships I guess).
Also he's quite small so she is able to easily help him dress and lift him into his wheelchair, I'm at least 6 feet tall and probably more than twice his weight so any woman who could accept me and the baggage that comes with my disability would also have to be happy with carers coming in to help with my daily needs and that is a big ask for anybody imo.
I wasn't sure where to post this so sorry of it's in the wrong place.
I have been having some knee discomfort for a while and went to the physio last week who gave me some homework. I have had no improvement so went back yesterday as agreed and have been told I need to rest and have an MRI.
This news has hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm a keen runner, it's my hobby, my thing, I have friends I run with, I'm a member of a club, it's who I am and it changed my life when I started running 5 years ago. I lost weight, I became fit and I started to achieve things and I was actually a good runner and my life confidence improved dramatically.
I'm very lucky to have Bupa private medical insurance through work so I have already put my claim in to have my knee scanned.
Since getting the news yesterday I have wanted to cry, let it out but I couldn't. It finally came out in bed last night and I even have a few tears writing this now.
I have no idea what the future holds, the physio says once we have the scan he can work with me but what if I can't run anymore or if I can run I'm not able to do what I used to. I'm not ready to not run at my best yet, I'm still improving especially as I have achieved so much this year in terms of PB's and this just completely pulls the rug from underneath me just when I seemed to be at my peak.
Hopefully I hear from Bupa soon on a date for the MRI, I hope it's not to long, the anxiety is going to be tough to deal with.
This weekend has to have been one of the worst weekends mentally I've ever had. Over the last 24 hours or so (waking hours) I've probably spent about 11 hours crying. I'm going to call in sick tomorrow to try and actually rest another day since I've been off this week, but it's all related to my loneliness again and vastly overthinking super simple things. Then using that as ammunition to put myself further down, further extending how lonely I felt.
I got anxious over the semi-relationship I have with this guy long distance and where I stood with that as well which kinda made me feel worse. I don't think I've cried this much since my Mum passed away. My whole body felt numb, I found it hard to sleep, to eat and I basically couldn't do anything all day. It's sucked majorly. Luckily enough I got to reaffirm my position with that guy and he's helped me so much. I just don't think I've ever felt that bad before. I couldn't do anything to stop myself crying.
So I have my consultant appointment booked for 20/09/22. It's great it is so soon but I hate waiting for things and I find this all so frustrating as it will then be another wait for an MRI scan.
I generally don't feel happy at the moment, I keep telling my wife that and at times I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment.
I posted in the other thread, but I honestly do feel quite bad (like anxiety in my chest bad) over the whole Queen thing. We were legitimately told by the manager at work and I guess I just fell to some stupid urge of wanting to be first to say something.
I guess part of it a worry that I've screwed up something with work, given my past and ongoing struggles with anxiety even though we had no notification of "don't say anything or post anything online" it feels like I've screwed up breaking some unwritten rule and that I'll get in serious trouble at work for posting it somewhere so big and it's now getting so much attention. My mind is still very much in a "jump to worst case scenario" type mode and has been for a while. The instant I feel remotely bad my mind just immediately goes to worst case scenarios.
I dunno why I'm posting, reading back it feels like just making excuses for being wrong yet again even though it's legitimately what we were told. I guess I just wanted to try and externalise a but of the bad feeling in my chest? I'm kind of rambling, sorry.
I feel even worse at my mind starting to go "I wish they'd just announce it already because it will vindicate me".
That's such an appallingly selfish attitude for me to have, but it's just what my mind jumps to. Like the monarchy or no a woman has passed, as far as I've been told, and rather than feeling sympathy for her family and people who loved her all I could, and can, think about is myself. I feel like a pretty shitty human being for that.
