Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

Yeah sorry, I worried that was a bit harsh. It's only cos, I think when we reflect on past relationships of any kind it's important to remain open to them being OK as they are.

I guess the "my crazy ex" trope concerns me, it's pretty common.

Anyway, I know what fade is describing, and I couldn't survive in a relationship like that because I do try to highlight things that are good to keep myself sane if anything. Sometimes lists can kind of feel like, hey here's a big list of good things, but I'm still sad, what's wrong with me?

And that leads to guilt. Guilt is a huge part of depression and its often hard to explain, personally I think it comes from a history of abuse and emotional manipulation or straight up self loathing / sense of inadequacy, total existential dread which everyone experiences to a degree but doesn't become dysfunctional because of it.

My therapist is leaving their employer and is worried about stealing clients lol, I don't care, hopefully I can get a better hourly rate. All the agencies do is cream anyway, good for him. A consistent counselling relationship is way more important to me and I'm fed up with gooseberry fool changing (I moved so my adult social care got strawberry floated) so will sort that out.

The going rate locally as provided by my gp is probably fair so that saves me a bit of money. It's expensive but I've come to realise it's just a necessary cost of my wellbeing, shame the NHS doesn't actually cover this gooseberry fool.

Green Gecko wrote:Isn't she just your ex as opposed to your mentally ill ex though?

Most people suffer from mental illness at some point, they are still whoever they are. Just saying brother.

Sure, but she was completely off the deep end.

That's why I refer to her like that. It very much defined her as a person.

There wasn't a day I was with her where she didn't have a horrific mood swing or dissociate. And she really didn't want to help herself, a lot of the time she wouldn't get her meds so I had to her them for her. Still not really sure if she took them.

But anyways I was just using it as shorthand.

Fair enough. You can't help some people.

Come on, Fade. You wouldn't (or shouldn't) refer to someone as, for example, your 'cerebral palsy ex'. People have the right not to be defined by their illnesses.

Oblomov Boblomov wrote:Come on, Fade. You wouldn't (or shouldn't) refer to someone as, for example, your 'cerebral palsy ex'. People have the right not to be defined by their illnesses.

Sure they do, but they also have the right to anonymity so when I talk to strangers on the internet about them it's the easiest way to remind people of who I'm talking about.

I use her real name in person because people know who I'm talking about.

I wonder how Rapidly-Greying is doing.

I tried better-help last night. It was interesting, not sure if I have the right councillor, he's a reverend and his moral views may be too similar to mine. I think I may need someone who call's me out on my ridiculous high moral expectations of people, not agrees with me about it.

We shall see. I'll give it a few more goes and then maybe change councillor if he's not right.

Curls wrote:I tried better-help last night. It was interesting, not sure if I have the right councillor, he's a reverend and his moral views may be too similar to mine. I think I may need someone who call's me out on my ridiculous high moral expectations of people, not agrees with me about it.

We shall see. I'll give it a few more goes and then maybe change councillor if he's not right.

You want your councillor to help you try and question your own behaviour and drill down into the hows and whys of it really.

Whether they agree or disagree with your morality shouldn't be too important as long as they are self aware about it and it doesn't influence how they treat you.

I do like better help though, I had this really cool lady from Florida. We had a bunch of great conversations about identity and societal norms.

Completely humiliated myself at work today. My self confidence has hit rock bottom over the past week and so I haven't been feeling good anyway. But we've had all the big wigs from America in the office this week and I allowed myself to become overwhelmed in comparing myself to all wealth and success around me. Basically felt like imposter syndrome where I didn't feel I even deserved my place on my own team.

Then today we had a corporate photo shoot and I had to leave the office just before my turn for photos as it all got too much and I ended up crying, fighting off a panic attack in front of my manager. Then when I sorted myself out, they did group shots and I got left behind so I ran to the toilet when they did a final shot of everybody.

To everyone else, it probably seemed minor but it felt massive to me. It was a really rough day and I feel like I could go to bed right now and sleep through until morning.

I just feel so embarrassed and humiliated. I feel like I have to work so, so hard to form relationships and get people to connect with me and I feel like I've just destroyed the little bond I'd managed to cultivate within my team over the past four months.

I risk going into a long rant so I'll just say I feel incredibly lonely and isolated right now. It never used to bother me but it does nowadays.

Zilnad wrote:Completely humiliated myself at work today. My self confidence has hit rock bottom over the past week and so I haven't been feeling good anyway. But we've had all the big wigs from America in the office this week and I allowed myself to become overwhelmed in comparing myself to all wealth and success around me. Basically felt like imposter syndrome where I didn't feel I even deserved my place on my own team.

Then today we had a corporate photo shoot and I had to leave the office just before my turn for photos as it all got too much and I ended up crying, fighting off a panic attack in front of my manager. Then when I sorted myself out, they did group shots and I got left behind so I ran to the toilet when they did a final shot of everybody.

To everyone else, it probably seemed minor but it felt massive to me. It was a really rough day and I feel like I could go to bed right now and sleep through until morning.

I just feel so embarrassed and humiliated. I feel like I have to work so, so hard to form relationships and get people to connect with me and I feel like I've just destroyed the little bond I'd managed to cultivate within my team over the past four months.

I risk going into a long rant so I'll just say I feel incredibly lonely and isolated right now. It never used to bother me but it does nowadays.

All I can say is your not alone bud, lots of people feel imposter syndrome. I have cut one of my brothers out of my life because he purposely tries to pull me down and belittle me and I know I do enough of that to myself at times. We are all most often our own worst enemies when it comes to confidence and trying to feel like we belong and stuff.

I am autistic and struggle to know if people like me or not , I often start assuming people hate me be it people at work or at social events or even on here so I know how it feels when you feel like any ground you have covered and any bonds you have cultivated get smashed down.

I will be keeping my fingers crossed that you feel better soon bud but remember your not alone, you need to talk my inbox is open

Zilnad wrote:Completely humiliated myself at work today. My self confidence has hit rock bottom over the past week and so I haven't been feeling good anyway. But we've had all the big wigs from America in the office this week and I allowed myself to become overwhelmed in comparing myself to all wealth and success around me. Basically felt like imposter syndrome where I didn't feel I even deserved my place on my own team.

Then today we had a corporate photo shoot and I had to leave the office just before my turn for photos as it all got too much and I ended up crying, fighting off a panic attack in front of my manager. Then when I sorted myself out, they did group shots and I got left behind so I ran to the toilet when they did a final shot of everybody.

To everyone else, it probably seemed minor but it felt massive to me. It was a really rough day and I feel like I could go to bed right now and sleep through until morning.

I just feel so embarrassed and humiliated. I feel like I have to work so, so hard to form relationships and get people to connect with me and I feel like I've just destroyed the little bond I'd managed to cultivate within my team over the past four months.

I risk going into a long rant so I'll just say I feel incredibly lonely and isolated right now. It never used to bother me but it does nowadays.

Easy to see from the outside but I bet no-one else gave it much of a thought. It's funny how we can hold onto these things ourselves when to everyone else, we're just a bit part player at the best of times. No-one who knew you for four months until this point is all of a sudden going to completely change their perception of you - humans are stubborn creatures, we stick to our pre-conceived ideas of people (which will have already been built in their minds long before this).

Thank you, kerr9000. I can definitely relate to feeling like people hate me. No one said anything that should have made me feel like that but I can't help assuming my actions today will have cemented me as the office weirdo. I'm definitely my own worst enemy.

I think I'm just particularly sensitive at the moment as I feel like my friends have all cut me off. I've invited people to hang out at the weekend several times to barely any responses but then they arrange they've been arranging their own things after making excuses. Not sure what I've done to upset them.

And then another thing, which I know is minor, but my wife started a new job at the same time I did and she was very quickly added to all her work WhatsApp groups and has been invited to events. I just find it so difficult to connect with people that I can't help but feel jealous and upset. I've always been like this though, secondary school was particularly hard seeing old friends make new friends in weeks while it took me a good two years to feel I'd made any new friends.

Work will be back to normal from tomorrow so hopefully I can start to feel a bit better and move on.

Rocsteady wrote:

Zilnad wrote:Completely humiliated myself at work today. My self confidence has hit rock bottom over the past week and so I haven't been feeling good anyway. But we've had all the big wigs from America in the office this week and I allowed myself to become overwhelmed in comparing myself to all wealth and success around me. Basically felt like imposter syndrome where I didn't feel I even deserved my place on my own team.

Then today we had a corporate photo shoot and I had to leave the office just before my turn for photos as it all got too much and I ended up crying, fighting off a panic attack in front of my manager. Then when I sorted myself out, they did group shots and I got left behind so I ran to the toilet when they did a final shot of everybody.

To everyone else, it probably seemed minor but it felt massive to me. It was a really rough day and I feel like I could go to bed right now and sleep through until morning.

I just feel so embarrassed and humiliated. I feel like I have to work so, so hard to form relationships and get people to connect with me and I feel like I've just destroyed the little bond I'd managed to cultivate within my team over the past four months.

I risk going into a long rant so I'll just say I feel incredibly lonely and isolated right now. It never used to bother me but it does nowadays.

Easy to see from the outside but I bet no-one else gave it much of a thought. It's funny how we can hold onto these things ourselves when to everyone else, we're just a bit part player at the best of times. No-one who knew you for four months until this point is all of a sudden going to completely change their perception of you - humans are stubborn creatures, we stick to our pre-conceived ideas of people (which will have already been built in their minds long before this).

Thank you, that's a really helpful bit of insight. Hoping I can hold my head high tomorrow and crack on.

Zilnad wrote:Thank you, kerr9000. I can definitely relate to feeling like people hate me. No one said anything that should have made me feel like that but I can't help assuming my actions today will have cemented me as the office weirdo. I'm definitely my own worst enemy.

I think I'm just particularly sensitive at the moment as I feel like my friends have all cut me off. I've invited people to hang out at the weekend several times to barely any responses but then they arrange they've been arranging their own things after making excuses. Not sure what I've done to upset them.

And then another thing, which I know is minor, but my wife started a new job at the same time I did and she was very quickly added to all her work WhatsApp groups and has been invited to events. I just find it so difficult to connect with people that I can't help but feel jealous and upset. I've always been like this though, secondary school was particularly hard seeing old friends make new friends in weeks while it took me a good two years to feel I'd made any new friends.

Work will be back to normal from tomorrow so hopefully I can start to feel a bit better and move on.

At the cost of sounding sexiest typically women make friends easier, women are more open and it makes them more approachable and women also help pull other women into groups and situations men just shrug and get on with stuff slowly. When I left school I could never get any of my friends to hang out they were all busy smoking pot and I wasn't about that kind of life, where as I would see girls I had gone to school with and they were meeting up and having afternoon tea together and stuff. As a dude id never judge social progress head to head with a woman its an area the male species needs to make a lot of head room on.

I think I also get easily upset when things are out of the ordinary. Like if I'm looking forward to spending a Saturday playing games and then a last minute plan changes that, I'll be really bothered and uncomfortable. Not because I'm missing games, just the fact it wasn't what I'd planned.

Another example, which is very pertinent to what happened today, is when people I know start behaving differently around other people. So maybe someone who I know as pretty laid back and quiet with me might be loud and outgoing in another situation and I then don't know how I'm supposed to respond or how to act.

I sometimes wonder if I might be on the spectrum slightly.

Zilnad wrote:

Rocsteady wrote:

Zilnad wrote:Completely humiliated myself at work today. My self confidence has hit rock bottom over the past week and so I haven't been feeling good anyway. But we've had all the big wigs from America in the office this week and I allowed myself to become overwhelmed in comparing myself to all wealth and success around me. Basically felt like imposter syndrome where I didn't feel I even deserved my place on my own team.

Then today we had a corporate photo shoot and I had to leave the office just before my turn for photos as it all got too much and I ended up crying, fighting off a panic attack in front of my manager. Then when I sorted myself out, they did group shots and I got left behind so I ran to the toilet when they did a final shot of everybody.

To everyone else, it probably seemed minor but it felt massive to me. It was a really rough day and I feel like I could go to bed right now and sleep through until morning.

I just feel so embarrassed and humiliated. I feel like I have to work so, so hard to form relationships and get people to connect with me and I feel like I've just destroyed the little bond I'd managed to cultivate within my team over the past four months.

I risk going into a long rant so I'll just say I feel incredibly lonely and isolated right now. It never used to bother me but it does nowadays.

Easy to see from the outside but I bet no-one else gave it much of a thought. It's funny how we can hold onto these things ourselves when to everyone else, we're just a bit part player at the best of times. No-one who knew you for four months until this point is all of a sudden going to completely change their perception of you - humans are stubborn creatures, we stick to our pre-conceived ideas of people (which will have already been built in their minds long before this).

Thank you, that's a really helpful bit of insight. Hoping I can hold my head high tomorrow and crack on.

I think you'll be grand man.

I always use that thinking to steady my thinking before a big speech/presentation. In as nice a way as possible, people don't really give that much of a gooseberry fool about others at a minute level. Think about how much time you expend on considering a particular colleague's mannerisms. If you're like anyone else, it would be seconds at the absolute most (and, far more likely - not at all).

kerr9000 wrote:

Zilnad wrote:Thank you, kerr9000. I can definitely relate to feeling like people hate me. No one said anything that should have made me feel like that but I can't help assuming my actions today will have cemented me as the office weirdo. I'm definitely my own worst enemy.

I think I'm just particularly sensitive at the moment as I feel like my friends have all cut me off. I've invited people to hang out at the weekend several times to barely any responses but then they arrange they've been arranging their own things after making excuses. Not sure what I've done to upset them.

And then another thing, which I know is minor, but my wife started a new job at the same time I did and she was very quickly added to all her work WhatsApp groups and has been invited to events. I just find it so difficult to connect with people that I can't help but feel jealous and upset. I've always been like this though, secondary school was particularly hard seeing old friends make new friends in weeks while it took me a good two years to feel I'd made any new friends.

Work will be back to normal from tomorrow so hopefully I can start to feel a bit better and move on.

At the cost of sounding sexiest typically women make friends easier, women are more open and it makes them more approachable and women also help pull other women into groups and situations men just shrug and get on with stuff slowly. When I left school I could never get any of my friends to hang out they were all busy smoking pot and I wasn't about that kind of life, where as I would see girls I had gone to school with and they were meeting up and having afternoon tea together and stuff. As a dude id never judge social progress head to head with a woman its an area the male species needs to make a lot of head room on.

kerr9000 wrote:

Zilnad wrote:Thank you, kerr9000. I can definitely relate to feeling like people hate me. No one said anything that should have made me feel like that but I can't help assuming my actions today will have cemented me as the office weirdo. I'm definitely my own worst enemy.

I think I'm just particularly sensitive at the moment as I feel like my friends have all cut me off. I've invited people to hang out at the weekend several times to barely any responses but then they arrange they've been arranging their own things after making excuses. Not sure what I've done to upset them.

And then another thing, which I know is minor, but my wife started a new job at the same time I did and she was very quickly added to all her work WhatsApp groups and has been invited to events. I just find it so difficult to connect with people that I can't help but feel jealous and upset. I've always been like this though, secondary school was particularly hard seeing old friends make new friends in weeks while it took me a good two years to feel I'd made any new friends.

Work will be back to normal from tomorrow so hopefully I can start to feel a bit better and move on.

At the cost of sounding sexiest typically women make friends easier, women are more open and it makes them more approachable and women also help pull other women into groups and situations men just shrug and get on with stuff slowly. When I left school I could never get any of my friends to hang out they were all busy smoking pot and I wasn't about that kind of life, where as I would see girls I had gone to school with and they were meeting up and having afternoon tea together and stuff. As a dude id never judge social progress head to head with a woman its an area the male species needs to make a lot of head room on.

You're probably right. I think I had considered that to be a possibility but my mind dismissed it because I didn't want to believe it was that simple. Bloody men being closed off.

Friendship is misandristic.

Zilnad wrote:I think I also get easily upset when things are out of the ordinary. Like if I'm looking forward to spending a Saturday playing games and then a last minute plan changes that, I'll be really bothered and uncomfortable. Not because I'm missing games, just the fact it wasn't what I'd planned.

Another example, which is very pertinent to what happened today, is when people I know start behaving differently around other people. So maybe someone who I know as pretty laid back and quiet with me might be loud and outgoing in another situation and I then don't know how I'm supposed to respond or how to act.

I sometimes wonder if I might be on the spectrum slightly.

I am Autistic and I am like that with not being mega fond of last minute changes I would prefer things go the scripted way I have planned, if we are going shopping Saturday and then Sundays a chill day I don't want that messing with.