Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

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Green Gecko
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Green Gecko » Tue Jan 19, 2021 4:56 pm

Just out of interest what kind of detail did your diagnosis go into in terms of your traits?

Mine is literally "Diagnosis: Aspergers Disorder", I've never been to the neurobehavioural clinic to have more detailed tests done because they offered me one test while I was out of the country and never followed up on it like 10 years later now, but it's allowed me to access a pretty wide range of support at least some of the time, but by no means all of the time (even when its a legal requirement to do so). The most support I received was at university and I've only sorted out Adult Social Care since about a month and a half ago, that's 9 years without... I pay for private counselling.

Oftentimes the fact alone can be helpful. For example I applied for a £10,000 arts grant that calls for neurodivergent people to get more involved in the theatre space, no idea if that will mean gooseberry fool to be honest, the last interview I failed, however objectively, specifically complained about autistic traits in 2015 or so.

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kerr9000
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by kerr9000 » Tue Jan 19, 2021 5:17 pm

Green Gecko wrote:Just out of interest what kind of detail did your diagnosis go into in terms of your traits?

Mine is literally "Diagnosis: Aspergers Disorder", I've never been to the neurobehavioural clinic to have more detailed tests done because they offered me one test while I was out of the country and never followed up on it like 10 years later now, but it's allowed me to access a pretty wide range of support at least some of the time, but by no means all of the time (even when its a legal requirement to do so). The most support I received was at university and I've only sorted out Adult Social Care since about a month and a half ago, that's 9 years without... I pay for private counselling.

Oftentimes the fact alone can be helpful. For example I applied for a £10,000 arts grant that calls for neurodivergent people to get more involved in the theatre space, no idea if that will mean gooseberry fool to be honest, the last interview I failed, however objectively, specifically complained about autistic traits in 2015 or so.


my feedback was that apparently they split autism into 4 areas and I score quiet a bit in 3 areas, I am deffiinetly autistic but if I go home and wait I'll get the letter in the post and that will tell me more, I'll let you know when that arrives. I can't wait to read it myself.

Your also right OR it doesn't change who I am, it does just answer a few questions.

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Green Gecko
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Green Gecko » Tue Jan 19, 2021 7:05 pm

Mine was based on background testimony and I also scored really highly in the Gilliam Asperger's Disorder Scale before that, the former was done by an NHS lead practitioner / clinical psychiatrist which is good as basically no-one would reasonably argue with it, the latter a chartered MA Ed Psych which focused more on my learning difficulties.

I had loads of issues at school that nobody cared about because I still got good SAT levels, ridiculous I had to "wait" until I was 20 to figure gooseberry fool out on my own but I'm glad I did it as I can blame myself less for all kinds of difficulties, even today I've been way overwhelmed with the amount of emails and stuff I've had to deal with and it can be very debilitating constantly double guessing what people mean etc. Not much in person interaction at the moment but in terms of consistent and reliable communication in person, understanding as well as more generally being understood (I have a very good logical understanding of things and excellent memory for things like metaphors, similes, catchphrases and sayings etc), pretty much forget about it :lol:

That test if it's what they conducted has four areas "The four sub-scales are Social Interaction, Restricted Patterns of Behaviour, Cognitive Patterns, and Pragmatic Skills. An optional additional sub-scale of eight items, Early Development, can also be included."

Noting the four sub-scales that might have been your four areas?

I don't have especially restricted patterns of behaviour but I do have a tendency to form "negative routines" (my own term) and I probably was more like that when I was a kid for example I would watch Disney's Fantasia on loop all day or spin around in circles for 20 minutes.

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Qikz
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Qikz » Tue Jan 19, 2021 10:05 pm

I felt a lot better recently and then today a lot of people were not really around that I normally talk to and now I feel shitty again - it doesn't really make any sense. Work has been the least stressful it's been in forever, but I'm just finding it really hard to feel happy. I had a really emotional evening with this guy I met through vrchat I've known for about 6 months - one of the few people I speak English to on there. He's been going through some gooseberry fool and I've been kinda helping him and he went through a really shitty day and he kinda shared everything that's happened to him with me and I kinda shared everything that happened with me to him as well and we became closer friends because of it. That was a really shitty day but I felt so much better after it as I felt like a month or so worth of emotional pressure kinda just drained out of my body from all the crying I did, but since then I've just been getting worse again.

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Fade
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Fade » Wed Jan 20, 2021 2:45 pm

Must be nice having friends like that to help you through things.

I was off work for a month, nobody from work messaged me to see how I was apart from my manager (to see when I was in)

Then I got a bit shitty on the forum and admitted it was because I was unhappy and was basically told to strawberry float off because i wasn't being nice.

That kind of treatment has basically turned me into a robot because it's the only way I can cope. Every so often so rage will bubble to the surface but I haven't be able to feel really happy or even sad for a while now.

It's frustrating because sometimes you wish you could feel more joyus or wish you could cry but you can't. It's like having those dreams where you can't move, but with your emotions.

If I didn't bottle things up I'd probably just be screaming until my throat hurt.

It's like the women I work with don't see me as one of them so I get left out and stereotyped a lot, and I guess I've just been unlucky but almost every single male friendship I've had has been very transactional. For example they would only ever see me if it benefitted them in some way, they didn't actually care about me as a person.

Last edited by Fade on Wed Jan 20, 2021 2:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Rocsteady
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Rocsteady » Wed Jan 20, 2021 2:47 pm

Are you able to see a therapist to help?

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Fade
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Fade » Wed Jan 20, 2021 2:56 pm

Rocsteady wrote:Are you able to see a therapist to help?

I saw a therapist for like 4 weeks, then one week she forgot to call me, I messaged her and said I'd forgot we had an appointment and she must have as well and then she lied by saying she was waiting for me to call her.

This is despite every other week her calling me and the one time we had a zoom call she messaged me to ask where I was when I couldn't join the room.

So, I didn't really feel comfortable talking to her after that since she not only forgot my appointment but doubled down and lies about it.

She didn't really offer much input, just asked a lot of questions. Felt.like a bit of a scam honestly. Although being able to talk to someone without judgement did help me feel validated about gender related stuff as she seemed to understand why I felt the way I did.

Also can I just say, when I looked there was a STAGGERING lack of male therapists. I saw two and they were both fully booked.

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Green Gecko
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Green Gecko » Wed Jan 20, 2021 3:03 pm

Therapists are mostly there to ask questions and listen to you, it does quite a long time for them to get to know you before they can really provide constructive input. For example after a couple of months my counsellor would say things like, pointing out I can't control another's behaviour, or that I've just judged myself by speaking negatively of my inability to behave "normally" or "what I expect would be normal" (although I don't know what that is or there is no such normal). I've seen some disclaimers like that for example my first course of counselling at university literally said "counselling isn't about telling you what to do or solving your problems for you". They're there to guide you on your own path to better understanding your mind by basically talking about it which is, by definition, unique.

About the transactional relationships with men, a lot of men I feel behave this way and that isn't in any way unusual. More generally speaking, the majority of people behave this way because leaning to be selfless and compassionate is pretty hard and doesn't come especially naturally to individauls raised in our society where it is all about self-betterment and winning one over on other people and being "better"/"the best" compared to them, using a variety of objective tests and metrics to do so that in reality hold a lot less meaning than they claim to do. But still, it's a pretty lame kind of relationship that's generally uncompassionate and can easily become manipulative or bullying so I try to check out of them pretty quickly and not put too much effort in. Ironically the most effective way to change a relationship like that is listening to the other person and trying to understand them on a deeper level, which is very hard and often more dependent on them than you.

The thing about women not paying attention to you at work, it's a repeating theme so I'm unsure if at that point I would force myself into a situation I would be uncomfortable about or just expand my circle to make friends in other ways. Definitely said it before but I've never, ever been "friends" like that I would go out with and meet up with regularly or call with someone at work and I'm seldom friends with my clients either.

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Fade
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Fade » Wed Jan 20, 2021 4:36 pm

I get that, but there were lots of occasions where I would stop talking and she would just stare at me awkwardly for like 20 seconds, like she didn't know what to say. I should mention she wasn't a full time therapist either, she worked in a college most of the time.

I mean the thing is though everyone at my work has at least one other person they are friends with and see outside of work. Most of them multiple. So it kind of makes the different treatment pretty obvious. Not to mention a few of the staff keep accidentally calling me another man's name even though so look nothing like him. Kinda hammers home how much of my identity they see as 'MAN'.

And it's really not easy to socialise outside of work at the moment, in fact it's basically impossible.

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Rocsteady
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Rocsteady » Wed Jan 20, 2021 4:38 pm

I had to try a few therapists before I got one that really clicked (2 were male, 1 female) so might be worth pursuing again. But it will generally take a couple of sessions to see if you really click.

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Green Gecko
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Green Gecko » Wed Jan 20, 2021 5:19 pm

My first counsellor woman ultimately helped me by writing a letter that said I had brain problems and bought me some time to submit my assignments. I was so ill I started missing even those sessions and then they wrote to me and it ended like that. At least they tried to get through to me but that's about as isolated as I've ever been.

Second guy / actual psychologist basically decided I had to quit my job and play guitar more, which I did, then I was suddenly "non-depressed" so that was "bye bye" (translation: NHS money ran out time to move onto next guy).

Current guy is really great but really expensive and does have things to say if I stop talking, but I talk so strawberry floating much so I rarely have that problem.

I think prompting is pretty important if you're not already an expert at talking about yourself all the damn time or have some kind of communication block. You can usually figure that out after a couple of sessions. The trouble is it's a relationship like any other and one has to decide whether it's working or not, unfortunately not every therapist can work with every client, and yeah, that sucks.

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aayl1
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by aayl1 » Wed Jan 20, 2021 5:23 pm

Fade wrote:That kind of treatment has basically turned me into a robot because it's the only way I can cope. Every so often so rage will bubble to the surface but I haven't be able to feel really happy or even sad for a while now.

It's frustrating because sometimes you wish you could feel more joyus or wish you could cry but you can't. It's like having those dreams where you can't move, but with your emotions.


Were you listening in on the therapy session I just finished 10 minutes ago?!

We were digging into why I am emotionless and the role my father has played in making me scared of being happy and conditioning me into living in "grey".

Anywho, like others have mentioned it took me a while to find a therapist I clicked with. I have been seeing mine for two years now and she knows me well enough to link up events from my past and really help me generate those insights. Initially I started seeing her to help me regain confidence after having panic attacks at work and not being able to bring myself to face any kind of job for 6 months. I kept seeing her as I realised I have a lot more work that needs to be done emotionally.

I am lucky - I have a good bunch of friends, but I don't really lean on them for emotional support. In fact doing that in the past has made me feel frustrated as I felt they didn't really get it and it made me feel somewhat lonely. I'm glad I have a therapist I click with (and a supportive partner) for that. I'm a fairly sociable person and I would find it very hard to cope in your situation - my panic attacks at work were partially due to feeling quite ostracised. I'm sorry you currently have to deal with that.

I realise you are probably just looking to be heard right now and being given advice is frustrating because no one actually intimately understands your situation well enough to know what could be helpful for you but (broken record alert!) I have found meditation very helpful after practising constantly for 2 years. This week I had a bit of a breakthrough with it (alongside a therapy session I had two weeks that left me sobbing for like 30 minutes) and I have felt genuinely at peace for the first time in a very long time.

If you're interested hit me up and I can give you some good beginner resources. Or just hit me up whenever you feel like some Apex to help distract from the relentless onslaught of apathy for an hour or two!

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Green Gecko
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Green Gecko » Wed Jan 20, 2021 5:25 pm

My father conditioned me into pretending nothing sad ever happened and you could "just move on" and "change your mind" and other fake Buddhist shite that just meant he could get away with being a gooseberry fool dad. My mum used to also yell at me if I cried. I was also really well behaved at school so if I acted out even the tiniest bit my teachers would notice and scold me for it.

Which is probably why I feel massive guilt every time I feel sad, or ask for help from anyone, ever. It's gooseberry fool.

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That
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by That » Wed Jan 20, 2021 5:47 pm

aayl1 wrote:.

I forgot to reply the other day but I appreciated your advice in one of the politics threads. I think to be honest I probably need to take the big step of getting on antidepressants again before things like meditation or talking therapy will help much - that was the pattern last time I was feeling this low at least. But it's genuinely good to know that you're around and willing to chat about it if I try it out one day!

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kerr9000
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by kerr9000 » Wed Jan 20, 2021 6:02 pm

Feeling good today, any feelings of feeling overwhelmed from my Autism appointment are long gone I think it was just stuff from dragging up my past and talking about rough bits and bobs. Not the head boss but my main boss was on today and she asked me how it had gone and she was very supportive. I work with mostly women there's me and one other guy but ive been pretty open about potentially being autistic and about having an upcoming appointment and they've all been very very supportive. One of the issues I have is with knowing if people like me or not I never feel like I have a good sense of this but I have to admit that I think ive been pretty lucky with where I work now.

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aayl1
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by aayl1 » Wed Jan 20, 2021 6:16 pm

Karl_ wrote:
aayl1 wrote:.

I forgot to reply the other day but I appreciated your advice in one of the politics threads. I think to be honest I probably need to take the big step of getting on antidepressants again before things like meditation or talking therapy will help much - that was the pattern last time I was feeling this low at least. But it's genuinely good to know that you're around and willing to chat about it if I try it out one day!


You are more than welcome and it's good to know that you have an understanding around what will help you going forwards. As you said I am always about (for anyone) if they fancy dabbling in meditating!

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Corazon de Leon » Sun Jan 24, 2021 2:28 am

[quote=“aayl1”]This week I had a bit of a breakthrough with it (alongside a therapy session I had two weeks that left me sobbing for like 30 minutes)[/quote]

Hope you’re coping OK after this Aaron, therapy sessions can unlock some weird strawberry floating gooseberry fool.

This gave me a ‘Nam style flashback to a really intense ninety minute long “interview” I had in 2017 when they were looking at whether or not I had some form of ADD(spoiler alert - I do) that left me sitting in my car in floods of tears for a good ten or fifteen minutes afterwards just because it dredged up some awful memories. It’s tough man!

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aayl1
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by aayl1 » Sun Jan 24, 2021 9:36 am

Corazon de Leon wrote:
Hope you’re coping OK after this Aaron, therapy sessions can unlock some weird strawberry floating gooseberry fool.

This gave me a ‘Nam style flashback to a really intense ninety minute long “interview” I had in 2017 when they were looking at whether or not I had some form of ADD(spoiler alert - I do) that left me sitting in my car in floods of tears for a good ten or fifteen minutes afterwards just because it dredged up some awful memories. It’s tough man!


I'm doing okay thanks! I think since that session (and the previous one I had) I've managed to build on some of the stuff it's unlocking via meditation (and specifically metta/loving-kindness meditation which I am amazed at how well this works and wonder why I didn't start this sooner*) and generally feel a bit calmer.

It's weird - I've thought of myself as a bit of an emotionless robot - with the exception of anger which I feel very acutely - over the years not realising that that's a coping mechanism for trauma from my youth. I would very much like to break this cycle before I have kids!

So yeah the past couple of weeks I've been actively trying to be kinder to myself and start actively doing things I've wanted to try for a while (like streaming!) rather than tell myself it'll be gooseberry fool or not good enough. "Perfect is the enemy of good" is a mantra I am trying to internalise as I definitely get anxiety about everything I do having to be perfect.

And yeah totally empathise at how traumatising that ADD interview must have been - the constant questions about my parents combined with some genuine empathy from my therapist is what got me going.



*I know you've mentioned that you don't have the attention span for meditation (which even with the traditional "focus on your breath" meditation is a fallacy because the point of meditation is to notice that you've lost focus and bring the focus back, however long that takes - that's like a "rep" at the gym but for your focus muscles) but this style gets you good results quickly and is easy to do. Again no worries if you're not interested or genuinely believe it's not for you and apologies for constantly banging on about this - I've just seen great results and want everyone else to feel peace too!

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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Zilnad » Wed Jan 27, 2021 11:15 am

Please don't think ill of me for saying this but the brighter that proverbial light at the end of the Covid-19 tunnel gets, the shittier I feel. Obviously I don't want people to keep falling sick and dying but I just don't want to return to "normal". Maybe I'm just having a rough few days. Not to sound like a sociopath but it almost feels like I'm disappointed that we narrowly avoided annihilation.

I think the crux of this problem is my workplace. I just really don't want to go back there.

And I think isolation has made me realise that I've never really enjoyed the company of people (except for very close friends), not even my own family. I just want to WFH and not interact with humans forever.

Am I broken? :|

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Qikz
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PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Qikz » Wed Jan 27, 2021 11:30 am

Zilnad wrote:Please don't think ill of me for saying this but the brighter that proverbial light at the end of the Covid-19 tunnel gets, the shittier I feel. Obviously I don't want people to keep falling sick and dying but I just don't want to return to "normal". Maybe I'm just having a rough few days. Not to sound like a sociopath but it almost feels like I'm disappointed that we narrowly avoided annihilation.

I think the crux of this problem is my workplace. I just really don't want to go back there.

And I think isolation has made me realise that I've never really enjoyed the company of people (except for very close friends), not even my own family. I just want to WFH and not interact with humans forever.

Am I broken? :|


You're not broken, you just prefer being away from people rather than forced into situations you don't like very often. I have social anxiety and I'd rather sit alone than have to deal with other people, especially working as it's so draining on my brain - it's like I have an engine inside of me that takes forever to build up to allow me to be social and then by the time I've finished I feel half dead from almost forcing myself for hours to try and be social. I think it's normal, dealing with other people can be draining and especially work is awful for it.

WFH for me has been heaven and I really don't want to go back to my office either. The idea of everything going back to normal sounds good to me though, but I want a new normal where I can be happier with it. I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to go back exactly how things were before.

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