Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

kerr9000 wrote:Feel conflicted been told I need 6 weeks off work with a heavy degree of bed rest to get back to ok health , feel a bit guilty how reliant that's going to make me on others and worried what my coworkers will think of me

Mate, you've just had your gallbladder removed.

I know your both right , I need to make sure I take it easy and don't worry

Don't worry mate. As a self employed person I struggle as it is saying "no" to things and taking days off when I am ill, but if I had just come out of hospital, yeah I'd flick that "strawberry float off" switch pretty damn quick. In fact, it's not that long ago that I did having an accident falling down the stairs.

I got out really late last night and although I have aches and stuff I just feel fantastic because I feel free, a strange freedom involving laying around a lot and using a crutch to get to the loo but everything just seems amazing being able to watch what I want to nap anytime without nurses trying to wake me to take my blood pressure or something

I can relate as hospital was a strawberry floating horrible experience for me, set off my hypersensitivity like nothing else, asked to be in a dark room, got wheeled out 20 minutes later, stationed under fluorescent lights which cause my brain pain and left there, eventually got into a ward hours and hours later then went home the next day but it felt like forever.

Spent about a month on the sofa on codeine but preferable to hospital

Didn't mention the catheter as I was so anxious and in shock I couldn't piss, even alone in an empty room into a pot

kerr9000 wrote:I got out really late last night...

That's great news, kerr - hope your recovery is going well at home, dude :-) .

I just found out my mum is getting chemo for cancer by essentially her telling me to go away and not see her, I don't even know what to think..... I've lost two family members to cancer before but, it's my mum. If anyone's familiar with my family history you'd know what that means for me (my dad's been absent and mostly whinges about "getting old") but my mum has been disabled my entire life. I hope I get to see her soon and say hello, I have only got to say I love her and see her soon, she just said "ok" thru the door of her room..

Green Gecko wrote:I just found out my mum is getting chemo for cancer by essentially her telling me to go away and not see her, I don't even know what to think..... I've lost two family members to cancer before but, it's my mum. If anyone's familiar with my family history you'd know what that means for me (my dad's been absent and mostly whinges about "getting old") but my mum has been disabled my entire life. I hope I get to see her soon and say hello, I have only got to say I love her and see her soon, she just said "ok" thru the door of her room..

This breaks my heart, I'm so sorry to hear this GG - my thoughts are with you.

Unsolicited advice below, I'll spoiler it as it can be annoying having people chuck their two cents in during times like these - please please feel free to ignore, and I really hope things work out.

Green Gecko wrote:I just found out my mum is getting chemo for cancer by essentially her telling me to go away and not see her, I don't even know what to think..... I've lost two family members to cancer before but, it's my mum. If anyone's familiar with my family history you'd know what that means for me (my dad's been absent and mostly whinges about "getting old") but my mum has been disabled my entire life. I hope I get to see her soon and say hello, I have only got to say I love her and see her soon, she just said "ok" thru the door of her room..

I'm so sorry. I hope that she gets through this and that you'll both come out of this much stronger than you were before.

Green Gecko wrote:I just found out my mum is getting chemo for cancer by essentially her telling me to go away and not see her, I don't even know what to think...

Oh, Gecko, man, that must be dreadful; such a tough situation for your mum and yourself. I hope that you are able to talk with her soon.

Thanks guys. I've still not spoken to her since Saturday but I have two print jobs to finish up and then that's it for me for 30 days. I might have mentioned taking a break sabbatical to focus on things that matter to me and my personal projects (that includes GRcade btw!), so I'm taking 30 days from about Friday at the latest just to process all this and see if there's any way she would at least allow me to help. It's hardest because she didn't want to tell anyone really, she told my aunt to tell me but then my aunt didn't want to completely tell me, I don't even know what cancer it is or how advanced it is, when it was caught, anything that might happen. Just completely up in the air which is horrid. And because of that I can't speak to anyone in my family except my aunt. Even my cousin who's moved in next door doesn't know it's cancer apparently. I don't know if my brothers know or not. How do I even have that conversation with them if I want to talk about it? And my dad? strawberry floating hell what is my next conversation with my dad going to be like... He whinges about his privelege existence, big house in France has issues in roof or whatever so can't afford counselling for very long etc. It's always about him. It's always been about him. Well maybe if his ex wife is dying he can shut up about that and support me so I can support her and so-on, like families should.

I can email my counsellor to book an extra appointment, that's probably all I can do for now and shutter up the studio so I have the time I need to deal with this experience. I don't care if that means having less money or less orders around Xmas due to reduced brand awareness or whatever.

Green Gecko wrote:...I have two print jobs to finish up and then that's it for me for 30 days. I might have mentioned taking a break sabbatical to focus on things that matter to me and my personal projects (that includes GRcade btw!), so I'm taking 30 days from about Friday at the latest...

Hey, Gecko, yeah, it's sometimes good to take a timeout; and that time is, of course, totally up to the person and the issues they're dealing with.

Just a wee suggestion if I may be bold, though... when you dealing with such tough and emotional situations, it can help to have an outlet sometimes; somewhere or someone whom you can chat with or bounce thoughts off. If you do have such an outlet in place, that's ace; if not, maybe GR (or something similar) could help - no matter how infrequently you choose to use it.

Anyway, I hope you get more discussion and comfort over your break, dude.

After a year and a half wait I've got an appointment to see if I'm autistic on the 4th of next month , I'm quiet happy it's fell while I'm off anyways. Sounds funny but I'm looking forward to it.

I wonder how many adults live with undiagnosed autism? Its probably a staggering figure.

One in five adult males likely have autistic traits, or are diagnosable, is a widely acknowledged figure via the national autistic society. It's less common in women for some reason, likely due to chromosome and inheritance stuff as it does have a genetic basis. If you have father or grandfathers with autistic traits you probably have them too. Both of my grandparents were quite odd (and extremely talented), for example they struggled in "normal" jobs/society and were unique in their ways, their abilities, and ended up self employed for long periods, or purposefully isolated. They were also highly dependent on their wives to carry out things outside of their particular interests, relating to other people, managing emotions, I.e. Were hopeless on their own.

So the connection doesn't surprise me at all; that said, they both had lifelong marriages and functional lives. I have high functioning autism generally characterised as Asperger's; it's much less likely to be diagnosed outside of the near "savant" types (which itself is actually a different form of autism often known as "savant syndrome" where there are very marked impacts on daily functioning but exceptional talents in others I.e. Human calculator, photographic memory etc etc). It's a spectrum condition and so there will be a huge part of the population, most likely millions, who struggle with many of the same areas of life.

It's important to remember that autism is not to be characterised as a disease, sometimes it's called a "disorder" but really it is a condition or neurological difference, and it's a part of a larger movement in neurodiversity that includes things like dyslexia, dyscalcula, dyspraxia, ADD/ADHD, OCD, bipolar, borderline personality, depression and many other types of mind that are extremely common in the general population but are suppressed in school and mainstream society as "wrong" in some way. This is simply not true.

Green Gecko wrote:One in five adult males likely have autistic traits, or are diagnosable, is a widely acknowledged figure via the national autistic society. It's less common in women for some reason, likely due to chromosome and inheritance stuff as it does have a genetic basis. If you have father or grandfathers with autistic traits you probably have them too. Both of my grandparents were quite odd (and extremely talented), for example they struggled in "normal" jobs/society and were unique in their ways, their abilities, and ended up self employed for long periods, or purposefully isolated. They were also highly dependent on their wives to carry out things outside of their particular interests, relating to other people, managing emotions, I.e. Were hopeless on their own.

So the connection doesn't surprise me at all; that said, they both had lifelong marriages and functional lives. I have high functioning autism generally characterised as Asperger's; it's much less likely to be diagnosed outside of the near "savant" types (which itself is actually a different form of autism often known as "savant syndrome" where there are very marked impacts on daily functioning but exceptional talents in others I.e. Human calculator, photographic memory etc etc). It's a spectrum condition and so there will be a huge part of the population, most likely millions, who struggle with many of the same areas of life.

It's important to remember that autism is not to be characterised as a disease, sometimes it's called a "disorder" but really it is a condition or neurological difference, and it's a part of a larger movement in neurodiversity that includes things like dyslexia, dyscalcula, dyspraxia, ADD/ADHD, OCD, bipolar, borderline personality, depression and many other types of mind that are extremely common in the general population but are suppressed in school and mainstream society as "wrong" in some way. This is simply not true.

My Dad's normal as anything, great at talking to people so we're my grandparents and brothers but I tend to be the odd sheep of the family , I'm the families first epileptic so maybe the first autistic as well, my dad's been bloody fab with all my issues during life though which really helps, strangely my daughter's far more normal than me as well it's weird how stuff seems to pass on or not pass on .

kerr9000 wrote:

Green Gecko wrote:One in five adult males likely have autistic traits, or are diagnosable, is a widely acknowledged figure via the national autistic society. It's less common in women for some reason, likely due to chromosome and inheritance stuff as it does have a genetic basis. If you have father or grandfathers with autistic traits you probably have them too. Both of my grandparents were quite odd (and extremely talented), for example they struggled in "normal" jobs/society and were unique in their ways, their abilities, and ended up self employed for long periods, or purposefully isolated. They were also highly dependent on their wives to carry out things outside of their particular interests, relating to other people, managing emotions, I.e. Were hopeless on their own.

So the connection doesn't surprise me at all; that said, they both had lifelong marriages and functional lives. I have high functioning autism generally characterised as Asperger's; it's much less likely to be diagnosed outside of the near "savant" types (which itself is actually a different form of autism often known as "savant syndrome" where there are very marked impacts on daily functioning but exceptional talents in others I.e. Human calculator, photographic memory etc etc). It's a spectrum condition and so there will be a huge part of the population, most likely millions, who struggle with many of the same areas of life.

It's important to remember that autism is not to be characterised as a disease, sometimes it's called a "disorder" but really it is a condition or neurological difference, and it's a part of a larger movement in neurodiversity that includes things like dyslexia, dyscalcula, dyspraxia, ADD/ADHD, OCD, bipolar, borderline personality, depression and many other types of mind that are extremely common in the general population but are suppressed in school and mainstream society as "wrong" in some way. This is simply not true.

My Dad's normal as anything, great at talking to people so we're my grandparents and brothers but I tend to be the odd sheep of the family , I'm the families first epileptic so maybe the first autistic as well, my dad's been bloody fab with all my issues during life though which really helps, strangely my daughter's far more normal than me as well it's weird how stuff seems to pass on or not pass on .

My dad lacks empathy but honestly I think is just more selfish and potentially sociopathic than autistic. I find autistic people to be very energetic (this may be expressed in non-verbal or private ways such as writing or art) and passionate and very much want to give whereas my father never really seemed to want to give anything without a transaction or a qualifier of some kind i.e. what could he get out of the situation or how did it make him feel about it. I suppose an autistic person could slide in that direction but as he has managed to climb the ranks of academia and deceive individuals I think he is too emotionally intelligent in the wrong way (i.e. masterminding and manipulating) to be classically autistic or HFA.

His father however and my grandfather on the other side certainly had some of the traits. So it may skip a generation or three, or it may not occur at all and then randomly mutate, this is literally just nature in action and it's very interesting from the perspective of neuroscience and darwinism why this might happen and what it is useful for as well as not so useful. But really we should be looking deeply to understand each individual, to understand their strengths and weakness and how they can participate, enjoy and contribute to what society has to offer rather than resigning to a particular area or discipline for example art, computer science or factory work, or not work and stay at home reading for life or whatever (I don't think autistics are able to really stop learning or stop seeking information, sensory seeking and a huge thirst for information is definitely a feature of autistics).

Polymathematicism (the ability to be an expert in a multitude of closely or loosely related subjects, or even completely unrelated subjects) is also more common because the autistic brain tends to have a profound capacity for storing lots of information, but not necessarily have the ability to act so much on that information. So autistic people might make good lecturers (like my dad) or teachers or consultants, there is a space in the professional services sector too. For example characters like Leonardo Da Vinci might have been autistic or in the more specific areas, Einstein or I think I have read of Darwin as well (interestingly these are all men, well patriarchy aside autism as a fact occurs more in men). But these individuals were also remote, closed off and struggled greatly either in their interactions with others from time to time, and/or actually executing on their ideas, organising their lives, coming out of their shell and truly exercising their talents. They depended on patronage, tenures, professorships etc. for longer term economic security. This is a really big problem for most autistic people because it is a disorder of social communication that is a requirement to succeed by most measures in our world, although I would encourage it is 100% ok to "just be" as well; I myself really struggle with the constant notion that I must be doing this or that or achieving this or that or I am failing in some way (this is a near constant cause of my depression, my urge to achieve things while not always having the day to day ability to do those things). Some autistics never really find their groove and that is very sad, nonetheless there is a niche for everyone and autistic people are excellent at learning lots of details about a specific area should the want or need arise (or they may have absolutely no interest in anything else except playing cards or trains or maths or video games or music or whatever, it could literally be any one of or multiple special interests).

While everything to do with poisoning or vaccines has no scientific consensus (or even credible evidence) it's a combination of both environmental and genetic factors, besides that it's really poorly understood. The healthiest and most accurate way of looking at it (as accurate as this sort of thing can be) is simply that brains don't all magically develop in some kind of perfect alignment; brains are markedly different, not only in how different areas of the brain are activated or stimulated, but also in how they are connected up. This kind of thing only started to gain scientific credibility with the advent of deeper scans of the brain while functioning (i.e. not just cutting up dead brains) and also psychology in general. This (the brain) is just different in autistic people or any other neurodivergence. The entire nervous system (that is of course your "trunk" of signalling that is connected to the stem of your brain) is also implicated and in some conditions that's involving the biochemical/hormonal regulation in the body too (for example serotonin is a neurotransmitter hormone that aids in the normal distribution of electrical signals from nerves to the brain and back again). So the nervous system is also different in autistic people because these are roots and the leaves that branch out of the brain, so of course it is more than just a "brain developmental disorder".

I learnt from the programme "Good Doctor" (the original Korean version which is better in my opinion) that in Korea autism (or "savant syndrome" in this case, although honestly it is closer to a HFA as depicted) is considered a disorder of the nervous system. I like this idea because it doesn't consider the brain this ridiculous floating entity that is totally apart from the rest of our system. Autism implicates the full nervous system in a rich variety of ways, such as this is the reason hypersensitivity to noise, bright lights, lots of voices talking at once etc is often overstimulating. Of course it is our nervous system and senses that detect these things; the brain is simply processing (or over- or under-processing) them. This can result in a range of talents but also make it difficult to cope in busy environments we have today, and because of that not being the deliberate efforts of any individual but a consequence of industrialised and tightly communal society, it is society's role to help people adapt or cope with this environment as nobody can do that completely alone, just as much as they aren't expected to learn to read and write on their own or to do maths on their own, or even learn to walk on their own, or gooseberry fool in a toilet on their own. If they are excluded and not able (or enabled) to operate as part of this society then their life will suffer as a result, which is a core observation of our equality rights.

It's really good to seek and get a diagnosis if you want one because while it is by no means easy to get help these days, unfortunately, you will probably qualify for benefit and be protected under employment rights and the disability act to get help with certain everyday or professional activities, whether that's charity or direct from the government (e.g. Access to Work) and it also on a more personal level may help you understand yourself better and generally feel more responsible and less confused about feeling different or "just awkward or wrong" in various situations. By knowing you are empowering yourself to act and get the help you may qualify for rather than potentially beating yourself up about it in those situations where you struggle and everyone else seems to find these things a piece of cake.

I'm so burnt out from work - the smallest little thing is making me very angry and it's making it so hard to work. Thankfully I've finally got a week off next week, but I get the horrible feeling within a day of being back I'll feel like this again. :/

Insomnia sucks. My brain has been on fire all day and I keep obsessing and getting pissed off about obsessing over one customer who is not worth it at all.

My sabbatical started Tuesday, I still have one single thing to ship out but I don't want it to take weeks to turn some of these circuits off.

lol guess who

Do you ever consider the insignificance of it all, putting a bullet in your head (assuming you had one of course) on the scale of the human experience

One moment and forgotten for all eternity

I keep on rocking for the novelty of unique experience- feeling new things I’ve never felt before, but is that ‘worth’ more than the freedoms of never experiencing again?

I went on a date tonight and really - connected - with someone

But all I feel after is is there really any point at all?

Why does that feel good with her? So I can feel love? Feel sex? Feel what? I dunno I feel like I’ve felt it before.

What is there that’s novel? Different love? Surely that’s just a genetic imperative to breed? I don’t want that. I don’t want a kid to feel this. So why?

No reason.

One bullet. One painful track of a blade across an artery. That’s all it takes, and then elevation away from any experience ever again.

I’ve been trying it all, and whilst there are lots of experiences out there, I remain unconvinced that there are any there weigh up to the freedom from any experience et al.

Well.

Have a good night.

I’ll keep looking until I find that one experience that makes it worth it or I stop experiencing.

Look after yourselves.