Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

RetroCora wrote:Good news about your dad, Jawa - all the best to both of you...

Ta v much, Cora - and some real solid suggestions for Outrunner there, too, dude.

If it helps I re-read my dissertation from 2012 recently (I have a few times) and given it was not far off a first, realising just how strawberry floating brilliant it is. It straddles a wide range of angles and has some genuinely original insights and ideas in there, which is frankly not normal for an undergrad. It's more like a masters thesis. I strawberry floating crushed it but I remember being extremely nervous about all of it.

I remember adding a whole extra chapter in the middle of the night before handing it in, the whole thing was at least 3 months late. You'll get into a flow, it will end and then never look at it again, but I genuinely appreciate my own efforts "in the past". I did have learning support but I really struggled to just start writing and keep writing. I had to muscle up everything I had to write most of it by hand on sheets of lined paper arranged on a big table in a silent area and a pile of books. I also dictated parts of it I'm sure.

Getting a fresh perspective or some time away and having dedicated lumps of time, even if you only get a few sentences in, is key. It's super hard to concentrate on one thing that big/long (I think partly this builds up in the mind) - while you are expected to juggle multiple other units and assignments - it is really damn hard.

I also broke mine down into about 7 chapters and tried to not edit much while I wrote. I went back and expanded sections and edited as I passed one sort of "phase" to another, it eventually came together somewhat non-linearly. Not sure how helpful this is but it was a big achievement for me, just looking back it was worth the perseverance as I'm really proud of it. I might actually publish it is as a short book.

I never even submitted a draft by the way as I missed the deadline at least a few times. But I remained determined, I had my issues but I guess I just knew to get the Honours part of my degree I had to do it, got there eventually and hit just over 10k words. I read it back and (almost ) every word has a purpose, even if it's just to add conviction or interesting (bordering on lyrical) writing devices so it sounds like I wrote it, not anyone else. I still re-read it and think, strawberry float that's interesting now, that's 12 years later and while I work as an artist I barely do any of the more conceptual ideas that are in there; it's a great tool to rediscover my passions. A set question or essay can't give you that, so it's 100% worth it I think. My god I was depressed and stressed out and worried constantly, I get it but that also drove me to make something that was uniquely my own. I legitimately felt crazy by the time I was done. You're not alone!

Edit: Oh and me, I forgot, speaking of powering through I broke my wrist last Friday night and didn't even notice much until Wednesday when pharmacist told me to go to hospital immediately, I'm now in a full cast on left arm and it's probably strawberry floated up ligaments as well. As a guitarist that's extremely concerning as I have limited movement AND I have a big legal accounting deadline for my business side, that's midnight on Sunday. So no fun time for me, just doing accounting with one and a half hands in 3 days - one of the most banal and boring activities imaginable, I kind of feel satisfied "sorting" things but I'm avoiding it even now. There are consequences if I don't submit on time, deadlines eh they forever loom.

well we've set the date for my aunt's funeral

Thanks guys, I appreciate all the replies. A really quick update (I'm just about to go out to see family) and I'll post a more comprehensive one soon. Just to let you know, I am safe, I do have action plans re: my safety that my mental health nurse helped me put together a few years ago just in case things do get worse (I don't forsee that happening but just in case). I'm not planning on doing anything dangerous or to harm myself or disappear. I have spoken to my supervisor and will be speaking to the department wellbeing team this week. I'll give a fuller update either later today or tomorrow, but thanks again everyone

This is more me venting and not knowing where else to do it, but after having 4 years of working from home ruined by my company deciding I need to be hybrid now despite not having any real reason for it other than the bullshit "collaboration is better" argument - I've spent the last week that I had off dreading the return to the office 2 days a week which starts on Wednesday. Outside of that dread which seems to have set my anxiety back about 3 years worth of progress I started working again today. It was stressful, annoying and I think I've hit my limit on caring now. There is literally no point in my job existing, the world isn't better off with it and the people who require our services should be left to suffer from their own stupidity. I'm just endlessly turning a cogwheel as now I've been made a supervisor style role so my job is to make sure everyone else is doing what they need to do. Watching peoples work has made me realise how pointless all of this is.

If I didn't need my salary to live in my house, eat and use the extra to go and see my partner in Japan I'd just quit immediately. It's all so pointless, why the hell do we as a species have to waste a lot of our waking hours on this bullshit. Even looking at the work our clients do the world would likely be better off if none of them had to waste their time doing it either. A lot of people exist in jobs that seem to exist purely so jobs exist and people don't starve. Society strawberry floating sucks.

Full update a bit later than promised:

I spoke to my supervisor about my depression and dissertation and how it all seemed overwhelming even though we'd tried to split it into 3 chapters plus intro and conclusion. I told him it was a daunting piece of work, that I was so afraid of doing a bad dissertation that I couldn't face starting it. Plus writing it was so different from how I write essays (2 days research then one full, long day writing the essay) that I was losing momentum, nothing was flowing and I was just producing a poor piece of work. For reference, when I write beginning to end in one sitting I'm hitting 68% to 75%. When I write in chunks that mark drops so I've learnt to go with what works. Clearly I can't do that for a dissertation. So he's actually given me three essay questions to tackle each chapter and told me just to think of them as three essays and we'll link them properly at the end.

He gave me the option of taking a leave of absence but since I've only just come back from one I didn't want to pursue that. It would have meant I'd been doing my undergrad for 6 years in total . He's floated the idea of an August hand-in if I need it. I'd have to get a doctors note but that would be fine. I'm going to try for the May hand in but if it looks like I'm struggling I'll probably take the August deadline since it's been offered. It's not ideal but it doesn't affect my Master's since I'm sticking with the same department.

Qikz wrote:This is more me venting and not knowing where else to do it, but after having 4 years of working from home ruined by my company deciding I need to be hybrid now despite not having any real reason for it other than the bullshit "collaboration is better" argument - I've spent the last week that I had off dreading the return to the office 2 days a week which starts on Wednesday. Outside of that dread which seems to have set my anxiety back about 3 years worth of progress I started working again today. It was stressful, annoying and I think I've hit my limit on caring now. There is literally no point in my job existing, the world isn't better off with it and the people who require our services should be left to suffer from their own stupidity. I'm just endlessly turning a cogwheel as now I've been made a supervisor style role so my job is to make sure everyone else is doing what they need to do. Watching peoples work has made me realise how pointless all of this is.

If I didn't need my salary to live in my house, eat and use the extra to go and see my partner in Japan I'd just quit immediately. It's all so pointless, why the hell do we as a species have to waste a lot of our waking hours on this bullshit. Even looking at the work our clients do the world would likely be better off if none of them had to waste their time doing it either. A lot of people exist in jobs that seem to exist purely so jobs exist and people don't starve. Society strawberry floating sucks.

we exist to consume and provide value for shareholders

the only way off the wheel is to win the lottery, literal or metaphorical, and become a shareholder

Shareholders

I agree Qikz it is all so pointless. I work in finance and my job is to assess BTL and commercial mortgage applications. My job is to help people acquire more assets. I do feel like I die a little bit everyday.

Can definitely recommend jacking everything in to do something that doesn't eat your soul.

Quick update - my Dad has gone through the initial tests and they have indicated that the cancer has not spread from the prostate. So we know where we are and what has to be done; initially some pills and a course of injections and then - after another check or two - maybe an operation before radiotherapy then commences.

Still not a great situation, of course, but a little brighter now.

Become the sole shareholder in yourself.

Defeats nihilism and/or existential crisis about at least 20% of the time.

You always develop transferable skills. It's basically impossible not to do that, unless you never work at all. But even then, you become quite excellent at avoiding work. Which is kind of its own job. Assuming that person is fit and able (and we're almost certainly doing that, as people don't generally choose to just do nothing with their life) you've got to have someone to point at and say, hey how do you have it so easy, you give no strawberry floats and and are basically a blob (the rich included). strawberry float you.

I will admit it is 10x more difficult and stressful to go solo though. It is basically "choose your hard". It is maddeningly high stakes and terrifying. But that drives some people. Especially if you just want to feel alive. Not to be the bearer of bad news. I have no investors so I am basically gambling. It is sometimes better to have someone gamble on you.. but then you are at the whim of them, and also, they may just strawberry float up at some point and send you home (actually happened but I was OK with it).

The irony is, at some point, with success comes the need to employ others... and then what will they think about all this (the answer, you then have the power to make their jobs less gooseberry fool... I have addressed many of my grievances in my working life this way.)

But honestly, everyone will just say, "do this thing that I do". Very often, they will say, "don't do that thing that I found bad!". Everyone wants to right their wrongs in this world, but hardly anyone has sufficient perspective. However, that is something you gain every other minute that you are alive... so, it's one thing where "line goes up". You can control the rate at which line goes up... In some cases it is either a straight line... I guess it could go down if you limit yourself. Entropy alone will do that. We are all fighting entropy in some way... MH is a bit like that. Just powering on forever can certainly feel hopeless. I say that typing when I am not supposed to use my hand right now... I will always fight, and in some way fight against "hope", as hope alone is often not enough... Not to sound like a grim reaper, but it just isn't. A lot of mental health stuff is about choices, lack thereof, the grand scale of things, the micro scale of things... How we all fit in this universe. It's important to feel purposeful. I might say it is a right.

I don't have a title for this post. Good evening everyone.

my anxiety's been playing up quite a bit lately. not surprising i suppose

Was in the office today and strawberry float I'm absolutely exausted mentally. It was boring as hell, there was no real need for me to be there at all and a good number of others who were meant to be back are not back yet either which removes even more reason for me to be there.

Being surrounded by essentially people I don't like (my bosses) mainly just completely destroys me. There's people I like but everyone just sits in silence all day, nobody really wants to be there and it really shows. Someone I've worked pretty close with for 5 years now gave in their notice last week and he'll be gone in July too so it's just a mess. I hate the office so much.

Will be waiting about a month and then start pushing to reduce myself down to only 1 day. Then I'll wait a few more months and push to get it to one day a month lol. Can't stand it. The mornings I spend in and out of the toilet because the stress sets off my IBS then I come home knackered and wishing I'd never gone. If I didn't get paid well for what I do I'd have left already honestly.

Further update I'm not going to hit the May deadline, it just isn't going to happen so I'm accepting the offer of an August submission date. The next month will just be me finishing my other two assignments and applying for bursaries for my Masters. I'm a bit disappointed in myself but I'm following the advice of the welfare team in my department, my supervisor and my personal tutor so it's for the best.

Just a quickie update, seem to have finally shaken off the illness after that third set of meds, but a week or so later, my physical anxiety symptoms flared up (i'm pretty sure it's a result of the stress i'd been under for all those weeks).

It was pretty brutal for a while, and i've booked a session with a counsellor, but in the meantime i've found something which really seems to help, Chamomile Tea.

It tastes a bit weird, but i find that after around 45 mins to an hour, it has a pretty strong calming effect (kinda like diazepam only not as strong), and it has helped me to sleep a lot better (to the point that i went into London on saturday and felt the best i've been for absolutely ages).

If you're struggling with sleep and have physical symptoms of anxiety, i highly recommend giving it a try, it's not a cure all and won't do as much as proper meds, but i've found it to be a great help and you guys might want to try it too.

strawberry float - I've had some pain in my mouth for a few days wherein I noticed a lot of canker sores (mouth ulcers) around the right side of my mouth and yesterday I noticed the pain had subsided but one of my lymph nodes I'm guessing under my jawline felt painful and I noticed it felt a bit swollen compared to the other side. I contacted the doctor via their online service this morning and they called me back almost immediately saying they need to see me right away.

Now I'm somewhat panicking because I don't really feel like I have any kind of infection and I've been checking my gums and they look normal - so I'm now worried the worst is going to happen and I have some kind of cancer or something. I know when I go to the doctor they'll check me over and it's likely just going to be an antibiotics kind of job to fix, but it's still really scary and I hate it.

Vermilion wrote:It tastes a bit weird, but i find that after around 45 mins to an hour, it has a pretty strong calming effect (kinda like diazepam only not as strong), and it has helped me to sleep a lot better (to the point that i went into London on saturday and felt the best i've been for absolutely ages).

Chamomile tea contains a chemical which is effectively a weak form of a benzodiazepine, and it reinforces diazepam if you do also take it. There's no danger or anything, it's very mild, but that's how it works and why it feels similar, if you're curious!

Qikz wrote:strawberry float - I've had some pain in my mouth for a few days wherein I noticed a lot of canker sores (mouth ulcers) around the right side of my mouth and yesterday I noticed the pain had subsided but one of my lymph nodes I'm guessing under my jawline felt painful and I noticed it felt a bit swollen compared to the other side. I contacted the doctor via their online service this morning and they called me back almost immediately saying they need to see me right away.

Good luck with your appointment and well done for getting it checked out despite the stress / anxiety -- it's the right thing to do for sure.

Vermilion wrote:...i've found something which really seems to help, Chamomile Tea.

It tastes a bit weird, but i find that after around 45 mins to an hour, it has a pretty strong calming effect (kinda like diazepam only not as strong), and it has helped me to sleep a lot better (to the point that i went into London on saturday and felt the best i've been for absolutely ages)...

Vermi, it's terrific to hear that you are feeling a bit better after being poorly for so long. That trip out must have felt good! I've never tried chamomile tea but will look into it.

Qikz wrote:...I contacted the doctor via their online service this morning and they called me back almost immediately saying they need to see me right away.

Now I'm somewhat panicking...

Try and keep calm, Qikz - you did the right thing in contacting your doctor and the check-up will just be an opportunity to let them take a look. All the best, man.

Thanks guys, Doctor said it looks like it could be some kind of infection in my mouth and I need to go to the dentist as soon as. I got an appointment at one close to the doctors surgery for 2PM today as an emergency appointment.

My teeth are a mess, I've been too scared and anxious of going since I was a kid and my parents never forced me. I've always been terrified of how much it'd cost to go, but I suppose this is going to force me to go and I can get antibiotics to sort out whatever the hell this is.

I'm due to go see my partner at the end of May in Japan so I need to get better by then.

Qikz wrote:Thanks guys, Doctor said it looks like it could be some kind of infection in my mouth and I need to go to the dentist as soon as. I got an appointment at one close to the doctors surgery for 2PM today as an emergency appointment.

My teeth are a mess, I've been too scared and anxious of going since I was a kid and my parents never forced me. I've always been terrified of how much it'd cost to go, but I suppose this is going to force me to go and I can get antibiotics to sort out whatever the hell this is.

I'm due to go see my partner at the end of May in Japan so I need to get better by then.

Well done for taking the bull by the horns and setting out on the path to getting this resolved, Qikz. Dentists are often very expensive - more so if you're paying private fees, although NHS charges are high, too - but, where one can afford it, it's good to get the work done. Best of luck for 2pm, dude!