GRcade

Not doing so well again, after a decent period of calm after my trip to the psych.

I've really struggled to motivate myself to find work since I moved to France. This morning, I actually started looking and there's simply nothing out there for people with less than fluent French, except babysitting and teaching. Even the teaching stuff, which I absolutely don't want to do, is underpaid student type work. Everything feels like a step backwards. The writing stuff has slowed to a crawl, a few projects I was sure were goers have disappeared without a trace.

I just feel totally alone out here. Alone and useless with an unknown future ahead. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.

Tafdolphin wrote:Not doing so well again, after a decent period of calm after my trip to the psych.

I've really struggled to motivate myself to find work since I moved to France. This morning, I actually started looking and there's simply nothing out there for people with less than fluent French, except babysitting and teaching. Even the teaching stuff, which I absolutely don't want to do, is underpaid student type work. Everything feels like a step backwards. The writing stuff has slowed to a crawl, a few projects I was sure were goers have disappeared without a trace.

I just feel totally alone out here. Alone and useless with an unknown future ahead. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time of it Taf. Out of interest what was the rationale behind the move to France, did you have something big lined up that drew you out there or was it more of a speculative thing?

You've probably already looked into it (if it's suitable to the kind of jobs you're looking at, I don't know), but have you considered remote working to a job back in the UK as a possibility?

While you're looking for work you could also start teaching yourself more French. A mixture of apps and integration will get you up to speed reasonably quickly.

Jenuall wrote:Sorry to hear you're having a tough time of it Taf. Out of interest what was the rationale behind the move to France, did you have something big lined up that drew you out there or was it more of a speculative thing?

Thanks for the kind words. It really does help believe it or not.

My wife is French and she had to move back for her work. I didn't really have anything lined up but was excited to try and make a go of writing as something to pay the bills. I've had a few jobs, Night Call being the most significant, but it's not paying anywhere near enough to sustain itself.

Sandy wrote:While you're looking for work you could also start teaching yourself more French. A mixture of apps and integration will get you up to speed reasonably quickly.

Yeah, I took two months of intensive French after I arrived and have more night classes lined up for November.

OrangeRKN wrote:You've probably already looked into it (if it's suitable to the kind of jobs you're looking at, I don't know), but have you considered remote working to a job back in the UK as a possibility?

I actually haven't. Might be something to look into, thanks Orange.

Do what Orange suggested, worked out really well for me.

I tried the same in Hungary, is a hell of a slog sustaining yourself. Keep plugging away, adding to your cv and searching for remote jobs constantly. When you find one, spend a long time tailoring your cv and motivation letter to that exact role.

It's gooseberry fool man, you'll probably be doing the above for weeks if not a few months. Keep at it and you'll get the reward in the end though, is just difficult to keep that motivation up.

Heya gang, just a heads up:

Samaritans have a texting service which you can use anonymously. I've found it invaluable lately, if like me you tend to bottle negative thoughts in it's a wonderfully reliable way to release them.

Number is 07725909090, which I found from the tweet below:

twitter.com/samaritans/status/630735830785634304

According to their website they don't advertise this prominently due to limited staff numbers, so bear in mind you may not get a response until a few hours later. Can be reassuring knowing you'll get one in time at least, sometimes I've sent them something late at light with the assurance I'll have an empathetic response by the time I wake up.

Green Gecko wrote:I've been put forward for some talking therapy again, after my first consultation, as I'm convinced I still have some form of trauma. Finally seemed to accept my family breakup when I was very little might actually be worth addressing for once as well as some abusive employments, as to whether I considered it traumatic, not them or some made up definition of what should or should not be traumatic to a "normal" person. (Which is what happened last time, I didn't even get to the psychologist). I "fixed" one such shitty employment by getting an apology from HR assistant director after emailing my story and complaint to about 10 members of senior staff, after I was struck off the staff register for basically no reason. I still have unwanted, anxiety ridden thoughts about the first one, mostly when I eat lunch, which sucks.

Have to wait a month now just to ask more questions, and write up my family history / traumas again.

And some other gooseberry fool involving me with the police as a witness has dragged itself to my front door, which is about the worst strawberry floating thing I could have to deal with right now. I have to do an on camera interview at the headquarters which makes me sick to the stomach and I haven't been sleeping properly. I'm now suffering headaches and confusion all day, even with painkillers.

I've been given strict instructions to take my mood stabilisers/tranquilisers again, which basically prevent my brain from operating properly and strawberry float my creativity, turning me into a half functioning vegetable.

Fun times.

I hope you feel better asap Green Gecko. I literally had no idea you and others were going through so much. As normally I get replies from you all in other topics and posts outside of this thread and from those I cannot tell.

Yeah man. I've been dealing with some form of depression or another since I was around 12, at least. Didn't see an actual psychologist/psychiatrist about it until I was about 21 though. Actually I haven't posted on this thread for a couple of weeks as it was truly awful. I could barely do anything, was thinking a lot about stuff but had no energy to do anything about it, my partner had to make me eat or bring/cook food and get me out of bed most days. For about 3 solid weeks. I got headaches and was extremely irritable after about 3 minutes of thinking about any topic and almost had a panic attack just going into my workshop.

I'm finally feeling a bit better, things like doing little songs, talking about stuff rather than barely at all, wanting to make things, wanting to go for a walk, not just thinking about wanting to or wishing I would/could do some work etc. (My productively is basically inextricably linked to my depression as a designer/fabrication engineer, it's not only a bit dangerous and low quality forcing myself to work my mind has to be in the right place to actually do the designing and problem solving part, as well as dealing with people on the emails almost daily).

Gonna make a little GameCube decal to stick to the GBA I have connected for gameboy player tomorrow, start to implement some marketing/email automation, close down some outstanding projects and small steps back into work. Hopefully not another false start, maybe I'll only work 2 days this week but can't hang around forever for my brain to figure itself out. It's going to take ages to see someone anyway.

That sounds tough, Gecko - I hope your small "recovery" steps soon build towards a better state.

A slightly off-the-wall thought, but do you feel that your battle with depression could actually be a positive factor in driving your creativity? I don't know about others but, personally, I feel that the up-and-down periods play a part in building my ideas. When things are rough I can barely think beyond a blank page but, on the "way back", I can be exuberantly creative.

It's been two months and I've not heard anything from the talking therapy people. I'm not annoyed about it - I know they're stretched. It's crap that there isn't better provision out there, especially as I believe there will be a lot of people in a worse situation than me. (Although maybe the form I filled in didn't demonstrate enough urgency).

I have spoken to my boss about it, and he recommended (and has offered to pay for) a clinical hypnotherapist, who specialises in this kind of thing. I'm off to see her in two weeks' time. I'm certainly intrigued. Have no idea what to expect but will let you all know how it goes.

jawafour wrote:That sounds tough, Gecko - I hope your small "recovery" steps soon build towards a better state.

A slightly off-the-wall thought, but do you feel that your battle with depression could actually be a positive factor in driving your creativity? I don't know about others but, personally, I feel that the up-and-down periods play a part in building my ideas. When things are rough I can barely think beyond a blank page but, on the "way back", I can be exuberantly creative.

Yes jawa I believe it does have a role and I have lots of ideas. My mother believes the same thing and sort of raised me that way. You have so much time to stew over ideas when depressed that when you have your energy back you can set about making them, the only struggle then is focus and doing the right ones that need more doing or are realistic and won't set you back months. If I never struggled with depression I probably wouldn't have taken those big steps to alter my future and see to it that I would be less likely to be depressed more in the future by for example doing office jobs that at times made me physically ill (and I do suffer the physical elements pretty badly like extreme fatigue, aches, nausea and headaches, and no appetite).

Poser wrote:It's been two months and I've not heard anything from the talking therapy people. I'm not annoyed about it - I know they're stretched. It's crap that there isn't better provision out there, especially as I believe there will be a lot of people in a worse situation than me. (Although maybe the form I filled in didn't demonstrate enough urgency).

I have spoken to my boss about it, and he recommended (and has offered to pay for) a clinical hypnotherapist, who specialises in this kind of thing. I'm off to see her in two weeks' time. I'm certainly intrigued. Have no idea what to expect but will let you all know how it goes.

It does take ages man, eventually they should pop a letter through or call you. And yeah I hazard to think what happens to people who are worse off, the suicide rate is hardly good. I think they just rely on hospitals and people being sectioned too far gone and treatment isn't anywhere near preventative enough.

A lot of people tend to temper their descriptions of their condition so are not noticed.. I've been dismissed because I presented OK but I certainly wasn't. Sometimes you have to pick the worst moments and describe those or slightly over dramatise to highlight those.. It's shitty feeling you have to do that, but support workers in the past have essentially done that for me to make sure I got the help they knew I need because they knew I would temper what I say in the forms. It's hard because you are used to presenting yourself as hey everything's ok I'm normal etc. But that isn't the truth.

The suicide rate for men under 45 has skyrocketed in recent years. All we can do is try to remain as strong as possible and remember what we have around us that is worth living for.

Poser wrote:...Have no idea what to expect but will let you all know how it goes.

I have huge admiration for how you're going about seeking options for improving your situation, Poser. Good luck, man.

Green Gecko wrote:...You have so much time to stew over ideas when depressed that when you have your energy back you can set about making them, the only struggle then is focus and doing the right ones that need more doing or are realistic and won't set you back months...

True, Gecko. I find that, after a "down" period, my creativity (or, at least, the desire to be creative) often gets a boost. Things that seemed difficult often then become easier.

Well I actually did the small work things, dispatched two orders including making 3 items, one to down the road and the other to Arizona USA. Didn't make myself a GameCube decal but can do that tomorrow and no panic attacks, just super slow and taking breaks whenever I need.

It's good to be able to manage - eventually - but the past few weeks have been truly quite horrible. I am so glad I have at least some support and also able to post here (I do occasionally wonder if anyone follows me here but I've been strongly considering going public with my struggles in business and creative careering in general anyway, maybe it will help someone and my customers are so understanding... I don't really want to attract clients that won't accept this "excuse" anyway). It probably would not be so easy if I was still required to be out of the house 7 or even 6am to 8pm+...

One target maybe there are several free co-working open days in the city early this month so I can try going to get some free coffee and probably bump into some people I know (even when mental health struggles lead to negative experiences some of which were quite public) so I will maybe confirm some of those. Also my girlfriend is going to take me to the facility I need to cut a large sign a customer already paid up a month ago now.. but they are informed of the circumstances.

I hope everyone else is doing OK

Did you post at 3:57am because you're in a different country to the time the forum is set to or because you were awake?

Only reason is that your circadian rhythm is strawberry floated if you're not asleep at that time and sleep is an absolute major factor in ensuring good mental health. I know people harp on a out it as well but exercise makes a massive difference, I didn't used to believe it but I've recently started doing a lot more exercise and it's made a difference. I honestly don't think I get the same endorphin release some people seem to get but it makes it easier to sleep at night.

Here's an interesting read on negative thinking and strawberry floated sleeping: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/29111422

Obviously everyone is different and getting to sleep is sometimes much harder than putting your head on a pillow. I found not looking at electronic screens for a while before going to bed really helped as well.

I hope you find a way to feel better. It's good that you have a girlfriend for support as well.

I think one of the main issues is people hide a lot of issues and even if past them don't talk about them. I have tried to go about this a very different way I have blogged about my mental health issues, sat with others who are suffering and told them mine in the hope it makes them feel better about talking about there's and even worked as a mentor..... If your feeling low or gooseberry fool I think it helps to know others have felt or are feeling that way. I think this forum is a pretty great supportive place, if only more places were like this.

I don't like talking about my anxiety and depression in real life. I end up breaking down in front of whoever it is, even if they're just on the other end of the phone, which makes me unable to want to talk anymore about it.
I've tried to talk to people, I've had CBT and they put me in group therapy, which didn't do much for me. I feel much more comfortable typing it out when I'm having a bad time and talking to people about new projects and stuff for when I'm feeling better.

It would be interesting to know how people find CBT. Any worth to it?

Sandy wrote:It would be interesting to know how people find CBT. Any worth to it?

I think it depends on the therapist and how they go through it with you. I found group CBT to be very daunting and uncomfortable. I'd have prefered to have one on one instead where it didn't feel condenced and rushed, but they don't offer you that in Birmingham. I still have the work books they gave me to work at home with.

Someone I know had CBT one on one and found it a lot better for them in a different part of the UK. It was a more controlled environment and it wasn't rushed. They went at their own pace. My course had been action packed into 6 sessions lasting an hour, whereas they'd had twelve sessions lasting 2 hours each.

I also think it depends on the person and how they react to therapy as well. One woman in my group had been to group CBT sessions 4 times before being put in the group I was in, whereas my friend hasn't gone back to having therapy since finishing their CBT course. Another woman in my group saw a vast improvement in herself, whereas I didn't find it useful at all.

I guess it also depends on your problems and how deep down the rabbit hole it goes. Mine are very intwinned with other problems I have. I'm actually waiting 3 weeks to see my doctor about taking a new approach, 3 weeks being the earliest appointment I could get.