Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

Fed up talking videogames? Why?
User avatar
Mommy
Member
Joined in 2009

PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Mommy » Sat Dec 14, 2019 7:24 pm

no wrote:
Curls wrote:Shut up the lot of you, non of this is helping.


No, I won't. Report me if you need to, but, why the strawberry float should I feel ANY sympathy for someone who actively supports people who suffer like himself but without money to suffer even more? strawberry float that gooseberry fool. I have explained exactly why people like Mommy can get strawberry floated in other threads. and I stand by that.


Im not sure what you mean?

Image
User avatar
Pedz
Twitch Team
Joined in 2009

PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Pedz » Sat Dec 14, 2019 7:26 pm

What I mean is. You have mental health issues, but have decent monies. Yet you happily vote in glee for a government who want to make people with mental health issues suffer unless they are wealthy enough to pay for treatment needed. Because? Oh yeah, you're a banana split.

Image
User avatar
Mommy
Member
Joined in 2009

PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Mommy » Sat Dec 14, 2019 7:32 pm

no wrote:What I mean is. You have mental health issues. Yet you happily vote in glee for a government who want to make people with mental health issues suffer unless they are wealthy enough to pay for treatment needed. Because? Oh yeah, you're a banana split.


So because I want to see The Conservative Party elected you feel the need to call me names?
There are many policies in the Conservative manifesto, some more appealing than others.
Its been said before in the Election thread that I wanted to see people freeze to death because I voted Conservative. What a terrible thing to say.

Tell you what, Ill leave now. Ill take my issues with me and your world will be a better place.


I think a lot of people's world will soon.

Image
User avatar
Pedz
Twitch Team
Joined in 2009

PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Pedz » Sat Dec 14, 2019 7:33 pm

Bye.

Image
User avatar
more heat than light
Member
Joined in 2008
AKA: mhtl
Location: Leicestershire

PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by more heat than light » Sat Dec 14, 2019 7:44 pm

Yeah I'm not really comfortable with the conduct in this thread either. Can we not just leave this one topic as abuse-free?

jawafour wrote:You definitely have the biggest one, mhtl - it's strawberry-floatin' massive!
User avatar
False
COOL DUDE
Joined in 2008

PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by False » Sat Dec 14, 2019 7:56 pm

Yeah this isn’t the thread for it

We don’t call names or throw gooseberry fool in here

Get it together

Image
User avatar
The Watching Artist
Scrub
Joined in 2008

PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by The Watching Artist » Sat Dec 14, 2019 8:11 pm

no wrote:Bye.

Pedz I totally get your anger and frustration. I really do. But your behaving like a Tory, be better then that.

Image
User avatar
Vermilion
Member
Joined in 2018
Location: Everywhere
Contact:

PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Vermilion » Sat Dec 14, 2019 8:12 pm

Politics should have no place in a thread like this, and the fact that it appears to have spilled over into here makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I'm sorry to hear of the troubles you are dealing with Mommy, please know that you have our support during this difficult time.

User avatar
Pedz
Twitch Team
Joined in 2009

PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Pedz » Sat Dec 14, 2019 8:37 pm

Know what? You're right. How I feel about Mommy's political views shouldn't be expressed here in a thread for those that need help and for that I am sorry. While I have no sympathy for him, I should have instead just ignored him and not got involved in anything unless constructive or helpful. I'm just so angry, das and worried right now that I'm letting my temper get the better of me. I think I just need a break from here, and from the net in general. I need to try and somehow just deal with the fact me and my family and now completely strawberry floated and my cancer treatment may very well be gone for me.

Image
User avatar
Cuttooth
Emeritus
Joined in 2008

PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Cuttooth » Sat Dec 14, 2019 8:39 pm

Kevin McCallister wrote:Yeah I'm not really comfortable with the conduct in this thread either. Can we not just leave this one topic as abuse-free?

Agreed - everyone should be able to post in this thread for advice, to vent, to get help - no matter their personal views.

Abuse will not be tolerated, any further messages of that sort directed towards anyone will be met with a week's ban.

User avatar
Karl_
Nyaaaaaaa~!
Nyaaaaaaa~!
Joined in 2008
Contact:

PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Karl_ » Sat Dec 14, 2019 8:46 pm

no wrote:Know what? You're right. How I feel about Mommy's political views shouldn't be expressed here in a thread for those that need help and for that I am sorry. While I have no sympathy for him, I should have instead just ignored him and not got involved in anything unless constructive or helpful. I'm just so angry, das and worried right now that I'm letting my temper get the better of me. I think I just need a break from here, and from the net in general. I need to try and somehow just deal with the fact me and my family and now completely strawberry floated and my cancer treatment may very well be gone for me.

You should vent about that stuff in here mate. No-one should have to go through all that, but we're all here for you.

User avatar
Curls
Member
Joined in 2008

PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Curls » Sat Dec 14, 2019 11:22 pm

Zilnad wrote:I'm new here so I apologise if I'm talking of turn but has Mommy really done something bad enough to deserve that kind of hatred? I assume he's posted some very disagreeable political views but this thread appears to be a sanctuary to a lot of people so I can't imagine how far he must have gone to deserve a reaction like that.

Again, I'm sorry if I'm overstepping my boundaries, coming at this as an outsider, but it was an alarming exchange to read.


Thanks for doing the right thing, people need to calm down, If i see this kind of behaviour again im banning you all, with my super secret admin powers.

User avatar
Corazon de Leon
Doctor ♥
Joined in 2008
AKA: Deadpool / sntaa

PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Corazon de Leon » Sun Dec 15, 2019 12:19 am

Yeah there's not much more else to be said - this thread of all threads should be a haven for those seeking support. Anywhere else, feel free to criticise or note your opinions. But not in here.

I think everyone's a bit on edge at the moment, and I'm sorry you're having a tough time Pedz - take a step back for a day or two maybe? You know we're here if you want to talk about it. Same goes to Mommy and MHTL. :)

Image
User avatar
LightWanderer
Member
Joined in 2018
AKA: AnOpenCasket
Location: Earth

PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by LightWanderer » Sun Dec 15, 2019 8:20 am

Bringing things back on topic, depression is like Mrs. Krabappel. No matter how hard you work, no matter how much you try, you'll always get an F. Sometimes, if you're lucky, you'll only barely get a D minus, but she'll always be there to remind you you'll never do greater than that. So do what you can to write depression out of your life. You don't need her toxic brand of negativity.

Image
User avatar
Jezo
Member
Joined in 2015
AKA: Jezo
Contact:

PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Jezo » Mon Dec 16, 2019 10:16 am

Life is a cruel sick joke

User avatar
False
COOL DUDE
Joined in 2008

PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by False » Tue Dec 17, 2019 9:10 am

I feel like I’m getting better insofar as I’m just living my life and out doing things and not in despair constantly or anything, but all the way through my day and night my brain just keeps interjecting with “mm you should kill yourself haha” and it’s really strawberry floating exhausting

Image
User avatar
Green Gecko
Treasurer
Joined in 2008
Location: Sussex
Contact:

PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Green Gecko » Tue Dec 17, 2019 4:41 pm

My ideation has wandered off thankfully but I know how that feels. I'm just pushing through work and quite a lot of orders at the moment so at least I have a bit more cashflow (I mean basic bills being paid and things) and can look forward to shutting down for Xmas.

One or two painful customers and head can barely get around what's happening. I had just 3 hours sleep and managed to attend a christmas fair on Saturday to sell loads of stuff, actually I think it's the most I've ever taken in a single day excluding website deposits which did nothing but fill me with existential dread anyway, at least this is something I feel I can actually do and it's my artwork on the shirts as well.

Got my PIP renewal deadline extended to the 13th Jan as an appointment for that is going to take ages, as I knew and told them that would be the case, well quelle surprise I was correct.

I have a gig tonight which I'm not prepared for but whatever at least it's an outlet, third time at the same venue.

♥ gaems | t: @GRcade | FB: GRcadeUK | YT: GRcadeVideo | Twitch: GRcadeUK
Image
User avatar
Mini E
Doctor
Joined in 2008
AKA: Vampbuster

PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Mini E » Tue Dec 17, 2019 10:51 pm

So I don't think I've ever posted in here about any of my mental health bits (I may have, but don't remember if so). Over the past 3-4 years, a number of people who have been closest to me have mentioned that they think I may have been depressed. I'm not entirely convinced, because I think *depression* is a huge term to throw around and I think categorising myself in that bracket is potentially unfair to those who have things far worse than I do. Anyway, I have been told multiple times that getting things down in writing can be beneficial, and no one here other than PPM/DML know me in person and PPM knows my situation reasonably well anyway, so shouldn't have any big surprises if he pops in.

Anyway, shall try not to make this an essay.

My entire family has a history of depression/mental health conditions. For life reasons, health reasons, relationship reasons, family reasons, I've become what I would term as "emotionally incompetent". After a pretty rough 2015/2016 where I lost one of my best friends to cancer, had told him I'd do my best to look out for his children after he'd gone, my future health prospects were suddenly pulled out from under my feet, and I began a full time PhD, I basically lost the ability to cry. I've never been particularly outwardly emotional, but I physically lost the ability to, and I struggle to demonstrate any real emotion. It sounds ridiculous, but I tear up every. single. time. at the final scenes of Blackadder Goes Forth, and the final (proper) episode of Scrubs (Book of Love by Peter Gabriel :oops: ), but can't express any personal emotion at all. Between May of 2015, at the funeral and January 2018, I shed a tear once (after my eye diagnosis). In January 2018, one of my first year undergraduate students took his own life and To say I feel responsible would be hyperbole, but I carry around with me every day that I should have spotted some sort of warning signs. This is an example of my inability to let things from the past go. They continue to drag me down (although this specific example leads me to be ridiculously on-the-ball when it comes to student welfare).

Anyway, none of this actually really relates to my initial paragraph.. depression is very different to feeling sad about sad things. However, for a few years, I've just felt sad a solid 95%+ of the time. I can't really think of a better way to describe it than that. It reached the point around six months ago where there were occasions where I was hiding out of sight from the windows at home because I didn't want to answer the door when the doorbell rang. My enthusiasm for any life activities had/has reduced to almost zero, I am completely unable to talk about any feelings or emotions I do have unless I'm asked directly. If I'm asked directly, I'm able to give a completely objective and dispassionate description of what should be a really emotive topic, but I don't see my poor mental health as an emotive topic. This extended to the point that I would have quite serious discussions with my girlfriend/fiancé/wife about how, if I lose my sight completely, I want the option of taking my own life, and I would sit there discussing it very calmly/objectively/emotionlessly and wondered why she was getting upset. This of course would lead to her being more upset that I wasn't able to get emotionally in-touch about it all. It just very much is what it is. Interestingly, I can still feel extreme anger (which I still keep internally). For a number of reasons, I've had a complete relationship breakdown with my Father, which I am, internally, apoplectic about. I have a lot of inside anger.

Anyway, during my balancing of a full time PhD with a full time lecturing role (this doesn't leave much time for anything else), my relationship slowly declined. We put it down to the long hours, but I'm fairly certain that, in hindsight, this wasn't the case. We separated for a fortnight a few years back, and one of the conditions of us getting back together was that I spoke to someone professional about things, but I managed to escape doing so. Anyway, we got married a a year and a half ago, and broke up properly around 3-4 weeks ago after 8 1/2 years together in total. I've found that my outward persona is absolutely fine. I'm outgoing at work, I stand in front of a classes of 80-90 and lecture for a living and pride myself on having informal, jokey lectures that aren't like your average death-by-Powerpoint style. I'm just aware that it's a persona and I'm just quite sad, really.

I think I'm just an overall walking cliché to be honest I've never had particularly high self-esteem. I spent most of my relationship being told how much I was punching (true, but stops being funny on low days), I dwell too much on the past, and have a terrible inability to deal with the concept of death. This is odd, considering I've worked quite a lot with near death and death itself in my job, previously sometimes in quite traumatic circumstances (doing work experiences in African hospitals etc.). This is also odd, as I'm able to talk so objectively about the possible desire to take my own life in the future, as mentioned above.

Damn - this has turned into an essay, which I think includes around 15% of what I originally wanted to include. So here end the the ramblings of a mad-man. After 15 years or so on all forms of GR, you now all know me intimately. What I thought was a rut has stretched into four years or so of feeling extremely, extremely down.

I'm really proud of what I've achieved in life. I'm 28, I've done a shed-ton of charity work in the poorest parts of Russia over a few years, I've travelled to Australia three times in the past four years, I've seen so much of the world in the past twelve years, I've run ten half marathons and the London Marathon, lost around 25kg of body mass, travelled to almost every continent, I'm Dr Mini E at the age of 28, I know I'm a nice person and do the whole random acts of kindness without the need to tell anyone about them (although this post maybe removes all altruism from those past acts?) my mantra at work is "we're all clever here - separate yourself by being nice" (I've just realised I have two mantras and that is two too many), and I've worked my arse off to get into a good position in life, and I know I'm good at my job. I'm really proud, but I'm not happy with any of it and haven't been for a long time.



TLDR: Mini E complains that he's been sad all the time for quite a while, is too emotionally incompetent to do anything about it, but has decided to tell some internet people because reasons.



Edit: Oh - and I've deactivated my FB and Instagram for a while to see if this helps. I buy into the mantra of "Don't compare your behind the scenes to other peopls' highlights reels". Essentially, February brings a fresh start for me in terms of relationship status/not covering for someone else financially. I've got a finite number of years with a decent quality of life. I need to sort my gooseberry fool out or I'm going to waste the decent remaining bit of my life.

User avatar
Kezzer
Member
Joined in 2012
AKA: Moggy

PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by Kezzer » Wed Dec 18, 2019 10:04 am

Rocking Around the Mini E wrote:
So I don't think I've ever posted in here about any of my mental health bits (I may have, but don't remember if so). Over the past 3-4 years, a number of people who have been closest to me have mentioned that they think I may have been depressed. I'm not entirely convinced, because I think *depression* is a huge term to throw around and I think categorising myself in that bracket is potentially unfair to those who have things far worse than I do. Anyway, I have been told multiple times that getting things down in writing can be beneficial, and no one here other than PPM/DML know me in person and PPM knows my situation reasonably well anyway, so shouldn't have any big surprises if he pops in.

Anyway, shall try not to make this an essay.

My entire family has a history of depression/mental health conditions. For life reasons, health reasons, relationship reasons, family reasons, I've become what I would term as "emotionally incompetent". After a pretty rough 2015/2016 where I lost one of my best friends to cancer, had told him I'd do my best to look out for his children after he'd gone, my future health prospects were suddenly pulled out from under my feet, and I began a full time PhD, I basically lost the ability to cry. I've never been particularly outwardly emotional, but I physically lost the ability to, and I struggle to demonstrate any real emotion. It sounds ridiculous, but I tear up every. single. time. at the final scenes of Blackadder Goes Forth, and the final (proper) episode of Scrubs (Book of Love by Peter Gabriel :oops: ), but can't express any personal emotion at all. Between May of 2015, at the funeral and January 2018, I shed a tear once (after my eye diagnosis). In January 2018, one of my first year undergraduate students took his own life and To say I feel responsible would be hyperbole, but I carry around with me every day that I should have spotted some sort of warning signs. This is an example of my inability to let things from the past go. They continue to drag me down (although this specific example leads me to be ridiculously on-the-ball when it comes to student welfare).

Anyway, none of this actually really relates to my initial paragraph.. depression is very different to feeling sad about sad things. However, for a few years, I've just felt sad a solid 95%+ of the time. I can't really think of a better way to describe it than that. It reached the point around six months ago where there were occasions where I was hiding out of sight from the windows at home because I didn't want to answer the door when the doorbell rang. My enthusiasm for any life activities had/has reduced to almost zero, I am completely unable to talk about any feelings or emotions I do have unless I'm asked directly. If I'm asked directly, I'm able to give a completely objective and dispassionate description of what should be a really emotive topic, but I don't see my poor mental health as an emotive topic. This extended to the point that I would have quite serious discussions with my girlfriend/fiancé/wife about how, if I lose my sight completely, I want the option of taking my own life, and I would sit there discussing it very calmly/objectively/emotionlessly and wondered why she was getting upset. This of course would lead to her being more upset that I wasn't able to get emotionally in-touch about it all. It just very much is what it is. Interestingly, I can still feel extreme anger (which I still keep internally). For a number of reasons, I've had a complete relationship breakdown with my Father, which I am, internally, apoplectic about. I have a lot of inside anger.

Anyway, during my balancing of a full time PhD with a full time lecturing role (this doesn't leave much time for anything else), my relationship slowly declined. We put it down to the long hours, but I'm fairly certain that, in hindsight, this wasn't the case. We separated for a fortnight a few years back, and one of the conditions of us getting back together was that I spoke to someone professional about things, but I managed to escape doing so. Anyway, we got married a a year and a half ago, and broke up properly around 3-4 weeks ago after 8 1/2 years together in total. I've found that my outward persona is absolutely fine. I'm outgoing at work, I stand in front of a classes of 80-90 and lecture for a living and pride myself on having informal, jokey lectures that aren't like your average death-by-Powerpoint style. I'm just aware that it's a persona and I'm just quite sad, really.

I think I'm just an overall walking cliché to be honest I've never had particularly high self-esteem. I spent most of my relationship being told how much I was punching (true, but stops being funny on low days), I dwell too much on the past, and have a terrible inability to deal with the concept of death. This is odd, considering I've worked quite a lot with near death and death itself in my job, previously sometimes in quite traumatic circumstances (doing work experiences in African hospitals etc.). This is also odd, as I'm able to talk so objectively about the possible desire to take my own life in the future, as mentioned above.

Damn - this has turned into an essay, which I think includes around 15% of what I originally wanted to include. So here end the the ramblings of a mad-man. After 15 years or so on all forms of GR, you now all know me intimately. What I thought was a rut has stretched into four years or so of feeling extremely, extremely down.

I'm really proud of what I've achieved in life. I'm 28, I've done a shed-ton of charity work in the poorest parts of Russia over a few years, I've travelled to Australia three times in the past four years, I've seen so much of the world in the past twelve years, I've run ten half marathons and the London Marathon, lost around 25kg of body mass, travelled to almost every continent, I'm Dr Mini E at the age of 28, I know I'm a nice person and do the whole random acts of kindness without the need to tell anyone about them (although this post maybe removes all altruism from those past acts?) my mantra at work is "we're all clever here - separate yourself by being nice" (I've just realised I have two mantras and that is two too many), and I've worked my arse off to get into a good position in life, and I know I'm good at my job. I'm really proud, but I'm not happy with any of it and haven't been for a long time.



TLDR: Mini E complains that he's been sad all the time for quite a while, is too emotionally incompetent to do anything about it, but has decided to tell some internet people because reasons.



Edit: Oh - and I've deactivated my FB and Instagram for a while to see if this helps. I buy into the mantra of "Don't compare your behind the scenes to other peopls' highlights reels". Essentially, February brings a fresh start for me in terms of relationship status/not covering for someone else financially. I've got a finite number of years with a decent quality of life. I need to sort my gooseberry fool out or I'm going to waste the decent remaining bit of my life.


Mini E,

Your post covers a lot of topics that I feel will resonate with a lot of other forumites that either post in here or just browse, which I hope can be comforting to a degree.

Personally I have found over the years that I seem to be very stoic with my emotions. Out of all the family funerals I’ve been to, I’ve never cried. It’s a very confusing feeling.
There are people all around, most of whom you don’t know, really tearing up and I am just standing there asking myself “Why am I not upset?”

I remember being at my Uncles funeral, watching his casket being lowered into his grave on a miserable cold and wet day, being completely nonplused. Watching my Father literally breaking down in front of me. Again I found my self asking “why am I not upset?” - I mean I should have been right? Everything in life tells me I should have been upset for my Father, but I wasn’t.

For me, I guess I have spent years building up a wall to guard myself emotionally. If I walk through my timeline it stems from my parents splitting up, several new schools, then run of the mill school bullying, my Father starting a new family, low self-esteem, dead end jobs, and failure after failure of relationships.

Perhaps it’s as simple as wanting to be strong for others, or take bad news and keep on going. Either way, it can leave a person feeling numb.

It can take its toll. You keep your guard up for years, keeping emotions in check without realising and all of a sudden (even if you have a happy go lucky outward persona) there are days of feeling either nothing, intense sadness or utter despair.

At some point it will be good to address things you've been through. Talk about it, write about it, (here is as good a place) whatever. In a very clichéd response - let your guard down.

It might take time, god knows it's taken me long enough to get to a point where I can look past objective / rational responses, and think about the people around me. But it happens.

Just remember, the forum is here for you.

(anyone of us will answer a PM too :wub: )

Image
Image
Image

Check out the Digital Combat Simulator thread for some hardcore aerial combat! | Mumble | PCGT V | The Photography Thread
User avatar
PaperMacheMario
Member
Joined in 2011
AKA: The Traitor

PostRe: Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions
by PaperMacheMario » Wed Dec 18, 2019 11:59 am

Rocking Around the Mini E wrote:
So I don't think I've ever posted in here about any of my mental health bits (I may have, but don't remember if so). Over the past 3-4 years, a number of people who have been closest to me have mentioned that they think I may have been depressed. I'm not entirely convinced, because I think *depression* is a huge term to throw around and I think categorising myself in that bracket is potentially unfair to those who have things far worse than I do. Anyway, I have been told multiple times that getting things down in writing can be beneficial, and no one here other than PPM/DML know me in person and PPM knows my situation reasonably well anyway, so shouldn't have any big surprises if he pops in.

Anyway, shall try not to make this an essay.

My entire family has a history of depression/mental health conditions. For life reasons, health reasons, relationship reasons, family reasons, I've become what I would term as "emotionally incompetent". After a pretty rough 2015/2016 where I lost one of my best friends to cancer, had told him I'd do my best to look out for his children after he'd gone, my future health prospects were suddenly pulled out from under my feet, and I began a full time PhD, I basically lost the ability to cry. I've never been particularly outwardly emotional, but I physically lost the ability to, and I struggle to demonstrate any real emotion. It sounds ridiculous, but I tear up every. single. time. at the final scenes of Blackadder Goes Forth, and the final (proper) episode of Scrubs (Book of Love by Peter Gabriel :oops: ), but can't express any personal emotion at all. Between May of 2015, at the funeral and January 2018, I shed a tear once (after my eye diagnosis). In January 2018, one of my first year undergraduate students took his own life and To say I feel responsible would be hyperbole, but I carry around with me every day that I should have spotted some sort of warning signs. This is an example of my inability to let things from the past go. They continue to drag me down (although this specific example leads me to be ridiculously on-the-ball when it comes to student welfare).

Anyway, none of this actually really relates to my initial paragraph.. depression is very different to feeling sad about sad things. However, for a few years, I've just felt sad a solid 95%+ of the time. I can't really think of a better way to describe it than that. It reached the point around six months ago where there were occasions where I was hiding out of sight from the windows at home because I didn't want to answer the door when the doorbell rang. My enthusiasm for any life activities had/has reduced to almost zero, I am completely unable to talk about any feelings or emotions I do have unless I'm asked directly. If I'm asked directly, I'm able to give a completely objective and dispassionate description of what should be a really emotive topic, but I don't see my poor mental health as an emotive topic. This extended to the point that I would have quite serious discussions with my girlfriend/fiancé/wife about how, if I lose my sight completely, I want the option of taking my own life, and I would sit there discussing it very calmly/objectively/emotionlessly and wondered why she was getting upset. This of course would lead to her being more upset that I wasn't able to get emotionally in-touch about it all. It just very much is what it is. Interestingly, I can still feel extreme anger (which I still keep internally). For a number of reasons, I've had a complete relationship breakdown with my Father, which I am, internally, apoplectic about. I have a lot of inside anger.

Anyway, during my balancing of a full time PhD with a full time lecturing role (this doesn't leave much time for anything else), my relationship slowly declined. We put it down to the long hours, but I'm fairly certain that, in hindsight, this wasn't the case. We separated for a fortnight a few years back, and one of the conditions of us getting back together was that I spoke to someone professional about things, but I managed to escape doing so. Anyway, we got married a a year and a half ago, and broke up properly around 3-4 weeks ago after 8 1/2 years together in total. I've found that my outward persona is absolutely fine. I'm outgoing at work, I stand in front of a classes of 80-90 and lecture for a living and pride myself on having informal, jokey lectures that aren't like your average death-by-Powerpoint style. I'm just aware that it's a persona and I'm just quite sad, really.

I think I'm just an overall walking cliché to be honest I've never had particularly high self-esteem. I spent most of my relationship being told how much I was punching (true, but stops being funny on low days), I dwell too much on the past, and have a terrible inability to deal with the concept of death. This is odd, considering I've worked quite a lot with near death and death itself in my job, previously sometimes in quite traumatic circumstances (doing work experiences in African hospitals etc.). This is also odd, as I'm able to talk so objectively about the possible desire to take my own life in the future, as mentioned above.

Damn - this has turned into an essay, which I think includes around 15% of what I originally wanted to include. So here end the the ramblings of a mad-man. After 15 years or so on all forms of GR, you now all know me intimately. What I thought was a rut has stretched into four years or so of feeling extremely, extremely down.

I'm really proud of what I've achieved in life. I'm 28, I've done a shed-ton of charity work in the poorest parts of Russia over a few years, I've travelled to Australia three times in the past four years, I've seen so much of the world in the past twelve years, I've run ten half marathons and the London Marathon, lost around 25kg of body mass, travelled to almost every continent, I'm Dr Mini E at the age of 28, I know I'm a nice person and do the whole random acts of kindness without the need to tell anyone about them (although this post maybe removes all altruism from those past acts?) my mantra at work is "we're all clever here - separate yourself by being nice" (I've just realised I have two mantras and that is two too many), and I've worked my arse off to get into a good position in life, and I know I'm good at my job. I'm really proud, but I'm not happy with any of it and haven't been for a long time.



TLDR: Mini E complains that he's been sad all the time for quite a while, is too emotionally incompetent to do anything about it, but has decided to tell some internet people because reasons.



Edit: Oh - and I've deactivated my FB and Instagram for a while to see if this helps. I buy into the mantra of "Don't compare your behind the scenes to other peopls' highlights reels". Essentially, February brings a fresh start for me in terms of relationship status/not covering for someone else financially. I've got a finite number of years with a decent quality of life. I need to sort my gooseberry fool out or I'm going to waste the decent remaining bit of my life.


Incredibly honest post mate, and one that will be really useful to both yourself and other people. Obviously we’ve spoken lots about stuff - particularly recently - and you know I’m always here for you, as I’m sure the many people that you’re close with are too. And GR of course (im so sorry).

Are you considering speaking to a professional now? I know you said you agreed with your ex but managed to get out of it, but maybe it could be worth looking into it properly this time.

HSH28 wrote:Sounds what you really need is a sense of humour.