GRcade

Thank you Kezzer

It's ok not to be ok

I do the lying on the floor thing sometimes. It helps with my overstimulation of autism. I just like to get a different perspective. Depressed people tend to spend a lot of time looking down (lol).

I tried to kill myself with a bread knife after a solid week of insomnia - I was having the mother of bad trips and it was all just too much. I was sectioned and everything. Now I'm visibly scarred on my arms and neck.

BonalityMatrix wrote:I tried to kill myself with a bread knife after a solid week of insomnia - I was having the mother of bad trips and it was all just too much. I was sectioned and everything. Now I'm visibly scarred on my arms and neck.

Very glad you're alive. Hopefully you feel in safe hands and you're getting some good sleep. The scarring will fade. I promise that most people don't look carefully enough to notice, and if they do, strawberry float em.

BonalityMatrix wrote:I tried to kill myself with a bread knife after a solid week of insomnia - I was having the mother of bad trips and it was all just too much. I was sectioned and everything. Now I'm visibly scarred on my arms and neck.

Sorry to hear you got to a point where that seemed like the only option.

Are you getting any form of continuing support just now?

I was but I'm feeling fine now, apart from facing up to what I've done myself.

I'm glad you're feeling better now. This thread is always here and free from judgement.

BonalityMatrix wrote:I was but I'm feeling fine now, apart from facing up to what I've done myself.

Glad to hear it.

Not trying to sugar coat things because it’s the easiest thing to do but you don’t have to face up to anything. There’s literally nothing you can do about what has happened in the past.

No matter how gooseberry fool things are at any given time, you never know what’s in front of you and most people are just one decision away from a completely different life.

Thanks everyone.

Green Gecko wrote:It's ok not to be ok

Agreed, this is a very important thing to remember when you're finding things difficult.

I'm glad you're feeling better Bonality. Hopefully everything works out for you and I'm really happy you're still around.



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In terms of my current mental state I'm still not really sure where I'm at right now. I think I've got over fully now the whole failed relationship thing I went through before, but I think all that's happened is I've now realised how lonely I actually am. I made friends with this other guy and we messed around together last week. I know from the offset that essentially there's no relationship there and we are just going to mess around a bit. I feel really happy about that, but why it's hit me with loneliness is the fact that I've come to realise the second anyone gives me any kind of affection or positive attention I immediately get super jealous if they start showing that attention towards someone else and it sucks. I don't want to feel like that, because I know there's no relationship there, but I think I'm so starved of any form of positive attention from anyone that im almost addicted to it when it finally does happen.

I've kind of got to the point where I've realised it is very likely I'm bi and I'm perfectly ok with that. I just need to work out how to get closer to people without immediately getting super attached and jealous, because that really isn't healthy as its setting off my anxiety to insane degrees.

It's OK to have trust kinda suspicions if you've never been able to trust affection to be exclusive if you've not had before.

The really hard bit is trust is essential in a relationship while wavering quite a bit. The nature of trust and what trust is to you changes as it does for other people. Behaviours move in and out of trust only situations or exclusive situations. What it means to express personal affection or those "special moments" is hard to pin down. You can grow or rescind your trust in given circumstances unique to you. So can other people.

Basically, there's no real way to be totally protected from hurt if you do decide to trust someone, unless they turn out to be trustworthy. This is hard.

Everyone has a kind of flirtatious level of play with other people, I don't mean sexually, I mean just having a laugh with other people. I'd try not to think about it too much until you know them better. Are there things they do or say that they don't do around anyone else? That probably means they trust you... Unless those are shitty things, of course. Then they're using you.

My parents found out I've been taking loads of painkillers, due to various issues going on I've just give up with life. I've been on a up and down spiral since 2017 with various problems ranging from loosing relatives, neighbour problems, parents arguing and other serious issues. I did started to feel a bit better in 2019 but then the whole virus stuff happened and I started to feel incredibly low yet again.

Theres always a reason to live. Always. And it never has to be some big reason. It can be something small, like who would be around to feed the cat? Who would enjoy that bird singing out of that window if you weren't there to listen to it?

Things may be hard and issues may be hard to overcome, but whatever it is, you can overcome it. And things pass too. We're all here if you need us.

Remember that you won't always feels this way. A time will come when you feel better again, no feeling lasts forever. Things may be bad now, things may even get harder but they will also get better. It's hard not knowing when that time will be but it will.

imbusydoctorwho wrote:My parents found out I've been taking loads of painkillers, due to various issues going on I've just give up with life. I've been on a up and down spiral since 2017 with various problems ranging from loosing relatives, neighbour problems, parents arguing and other serious issues. I did started to feel a bit better in 2019 but then the whole virus stuff happened and I started to feel incredibly low yet again.

You have no idea how different your life may be in 1 year. I’ve said it before, but most people are one decision away from a completely different life.

Prototype wrote:

imbusydoctorwho wrote:My parents found out I've been taking loads of painkillers, due to various issues going on I've just give up with life. I've been on a up and down spiral since 2017 with various problems ranging from loosing relatives, neighbour problems, parents arguing and other serious issues. I did started to feel a bit better in 2019 but then the whole virus stuff happened and I started to feel incredibly low yet again.

You have no idea how different your life may be in 1 year. I’ve said it before, but most people are one decision away from a completely different life.

I don't do it often enough but it's crazy how just putting yourself out there and trying to communicate with people can completely change your life.

You've gotta keep rolling those dice because every so often you'll roll a 6 and things will start to look up in a big way.

Trouble is when you're depressed it's really really hard to put yourself out there, I get that.

You sound more upbeat Fade.

I'm glad.

I'm not really, just have had enough therapy to be aware of that kind of thing.

I know what would improve my life but it's just hard to do it.

Everything just feels so draining and I don't really understand most people. It's hard to motivate yourself to socialise when you feel like the odd one out in every single social scenario.

I appreciate the care though

Despite having great success with job interviews last week, I feel really down today. I just hope that if I get the final interview with the company founder that I can muster the energy to do well because I just feel drained today and like I won't be able to do it.

My expected return to the office of a week tomorrow so that whole situation is causing me stress and is probably why I feel gooseberry fool today. But if I end up going through these four interviews and three tests only to be told "we're really sorry but someone else got the job" I don't know how I'm going to react.

Here's hoping I hear something tomorrow so I can at least prepare.