I understand that would make sense from any others' point of view. But I can't get my head around the idea of totally disowning somebody because they (or my forgiveness) exemplifies a fundamental part of how I am - and that is to be forgiving. So by having suffered so much from his decisions I have learnt to do that for no other reason. Living with disdain and resentment - however just it might be - is more destructive than the act that causes the sadness to begin with, because it prevents you from moving on.
It's a really hard thing to come around to, and it's really annoying also how he will drop hints about being dead in x years or not going to live that long, as if this is somehow my problem that he lost many years of healthy relationship by being a tosser to begin with. Such as implying I have issues travelling or some other "not my" type problem in order to see him in France with no other motivation to do so.
He did fly over from France just to see me for my birthday - however he went on and let slip in a way that could be interpreted differently, "Well this time he did come." (He actually said that.) But again amongst endless similar examples, is this for me to appreciate or for him to be proud of himself and warding against negative things I have said about him in the past? It would be very typical of past behaviour to want to "correct" opinions of him because he is most concerned with his image and not what he actually does (to, for example, always see/call his kids on birthdays, and not make a point of doing so because it's
strawberry floating normal.)
Again the motivation is most likely for his own benefit (to make himself feel better) than to actually do something as an act of love. The tokenism and "but I did this or that" in response to a deficit somewhere else is pretty aggravating.
That kind of behaviour makes it very difficult to tell whether someone is actually trying to make amends or simply appease others to lessen their own guilt - the core of which has never been acknowledged or apologised for (abandoning my family in search for his own "right to be happy").
When one considers disownment or estrangement it's really hard also to consider whether that is going to beneficial or make things worse, as is the case with any situation where giving up is an option. It's an option that comes with its own sense of failure, that includes allowing the other person to "give up" as well and have no responsibility or empathy for the person doing the disowning. Which is some cases may be exactly what they want.
That is why dealing with narcissism is so difficult because most people are empathetic and do end up loving other people quite easily and so by giving up that love they see a reflection of the person that does not love them, and the worst fear for most people that have abandonment issues is making the same mistake or becoming "like them". At the same time, trying to avoid that pitfall is just as painful because you are putting in work to that effect all the time, even by just thinking about the narcissist - a love that will not be returned.
However I am sure at a point in my life when I am exhausted by the emotional of a "lack thereof" and it is not a healthy state to be in too often - it is very much like suffering from grief when somebody dies, except over and over again - indefinitely. I definitely need to do something about it.
That said, for the majority of the time I don't really care that much and I don't feel guilty any more for doing so. Besides he basically lives in paradise, does whatever he wants on his own time and gets taken care of by his wife who moans about tenants not folding sheets or whatever the strawberry float made up problem it is at the time, back here in my hometown (now it's whether or not health insurance will be covered post-brexit. Well don't move to strawberry floating France then or sell up an come back to either of your properties, big boo.)
Anyway, I'll reconvene with myself (:?) when I've finished my current course of counselling that is trying to focus on just this.
Edit: Also I did cut him out for about 8 months until he eventually wrote me a hand-written card because he was sad about being old and not liked and stuff. I guess I fell for that, but I really felt I had to consider whether it was making feel better or worse. Making a point of cutting him out unless he finally faced his responsibility to me did help but at the same time I was uneasy with it because I am not a spiteful person. Being so was a new experience for me.
That was around the time I got the "Non-Violent Communication" book wrapped in brown paper for my birthday from his wife which is still probably the shittiest and most gormless act of reconciliation I have ever had. Just to highlight how dim these two are.
I'm not even going to post the blurb for that book but instead the 1st review on Amazon which highlights how sanctimoneous and sickly the audience for that kind of publication typically are:
"A wonderful solution to the problem of how to communicate pleasantly and effectively with other human beings (some people are easy, but others are a nightmare aren't they?!!) and to how to considerably increase the chances of you getting your needs met and thus not feeling bad. Recommended to me by a professional. "
how to considerably increase the chances of you getting your needs met and thus not feeling bad
getting your needs met and thus not feeling bad
Translation: how to manipulate others into getting what you want. Some psychology is really messed up when it comes to narcissism versus empathy; it's a force for both good and, well, something else, depending on your view of the world.
If somebody thinks the answers for this kind of thing are in a book, and the "problem person" requires an education to resolve the situation, just how emotionally vapid are they, really?
strawberry float that kind of transactional bullshit imo. My father's a pedestalled neuroscientist but there are some things that can't be learnt or solved with advice from a book for chrissakes. (I'm still not sure he actually knew about that, which speaks for a void I suspect exists between father and 2nd wife anyway - and problems they have all of their own, as she said "I found this helpful, maybe you will too
)
Sure it's the responsibility of victims of narcissism to change everything about themselves, not because the prat themselves is a narcissistic prick, but because their methods to point that out - or to even be vaguely unhappy about something - are simply
wrong.
Be harmonious with all narcissists and dickheads, and the world will be better! Pander to them to achieve happiness! Err.. no thanks.
The whataboutery and deflection is on a whole other level. I'm sure everyone has met at least one person close to them in their life that literally finds it
functionally impossible to acknowledge the point of view of another person, nevermind apologise for poor behaviour or bad actions. And that is typically because, even if their actions/decisions detract livelihood, wealth, happiness or whatever from the other person, it has benefited them, and therefore it cannot possibly be wrong. It's like strawberry floating Darwinian levels of self-preservation that are wholly unnecessary since the day human beings learnt to speak freely, and it works by silencing the other person with (a) manipulation, (b) emotional abuse, (c) inherent dependency or (d) violence - and I've suffered all 4. On the side of the narcissist, don't forget about surrounding yourself with sycophants and priests, and generally less intelligent people, who will lap up your every word and consider, "How could this person
possibly think this of you? You are so clever, smart, wonderful and funny."
Thing is though, you can be
clever, smart, wonderful, charming and funny while still being a
giant asshole to the people you wish to bog down and control. This is why psychopaths are so often successful in people-management roles, and people working in such roles with little time for family often wind up in extra-martial affairs, with bad parental-child relationships, because they have spent so much of their time getting people to do what they want they are essentially expert at it.
I'm strawberry floating useless at that - closing sales, getting customers to go away when they ask if I'm available on the weekends, giving gooseberry fool away, helping people for no tangible reason etc. Which is largely a product of guilt - when you feel shitty about yourself for any reason, you often go above and beyond your dues to satisfy yourself of the guilt and and also distract from it.
The whole guilt/loss thing is one of the strawberry floating worst complexes humans can have I think. It's like your mind just implodes and malfunctions at that early point in life where you can't reconcile your Disney-style morals and the gooseberry fool that people actually do, so you default to thinking worse of yourself. Same when people just keep winding up dead for some reason - "Why does this keep happening to me? What did I do wrong?" etc. Surely it's the loss of relationships or lack thereof that drives most individuals to suicide and the worst aspects of depression because the end-game of that (the "bad ending") is total isolation and detachment from the world around you - and, in the worst cases i.e. mild to extreme psychoses - from your own mind and body. I'm not sure where I'm going with this except to say that that endless sense of bereavement strawberry floating sucks.