Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

Been thinking about your post this morning Mini E and I echo the sentiment shared by the other guys. I'm not great with words but I feel where you're coming from and can relate.

I'm struggling a lot today with anxiety. Everyone in the office is chatting openly and jovially about Christmas today and I'm just sat in the corner being ignored. I don't care about being liked by people I have little in common with but it's still hard when you're invisible for eight hours a day.

Zilnad wrote:Been thinking about your post this morning Mini E and I echo the sentiment shared by the other guys. I'm not great with words but I feel where you're coming from and can relate.

I'm struggling a lot today with anxiety. Everyone in the office is chatting openly and jovially about Christmas today and I'm just sat in the corner being ignored. I don't care about being liked by people I have little in common with but it's still hard when you're invisible for eight hours a day.

Do you like Christmas or is the fact that it's being shoved in your face the problem?

Mini E - seeing someone for some talking therapy is quite helpful and definitely worth a go.

I actually came in here to post about my Christmas Eve stress. In laws are up and their incessant "helping" gets on my tits. MIL wanted to buy a "proper" scourer yesterday (maybe don't use a jay cloth for everything and you may find the perfectly good scouring sponges under the sink). Then my tumble dryer gets magically emptied and folded - sounds great in theory but I'm 34 not 14, strawberry floating leave it be and I'll do it myself. But of course when there's a toddler destroying stuff in the front room it's quiet cup of tea and a cryptic crossword time. I was so drained at work this morning knowing I had to go back to this.

Stealth edit: and now there are bits missing from my son's main Christmas present, another strawberry floating kick in the bollocks :evil:

I've been guilted into going over to my brother's for Xmas. They know I struggle today and putting on a front makes me feel worse. But if I don't go I'm "spoiling it for the kids". I'm on my way over now and I just feel like crying. I'd be much happier at home on my own playing games rather than pretending to love a day I hate and that the mandated "fun" is anything but.

Things are going as well as they could be tbh. We're staying in a family friends' house because ours is too small and compartmentalised while they're in the middle-east somewhere. Of course I already miss my girlfriend, my brother's hasn't turned up (with the miniature daschund which I was looking forward to for "dog therapy") because they've had a fight and my mum insists there's nothing else we can do except get on with making the Xmas dinner. He's clearly visibly depressed and despondent. No, we can show some semblance of emotional support and talk about it. That's sweeping things under the carpet. "No that's not what I said." But it is exactly the same thing. Etc. Etc.

Then the family all leave to go for a walk pushing my granny out the door on a wheelchair and I fail to get to hint so they're already half way done the road. My mum has forgotten my granny's medication but is blaming it on her sister or care nurse and has driven home. So I'm alone with a cat and I'm typing on GRcade. Ho-hum.

Food is always really good though so that's a plus, I just get fed up pretty fast with my mum's random wittering and constant narration of what's going on that you never know whether it's a request or a statement or asking for help etc. And she'll say things like, "I better get my bags then" if you disagree with her cynicism or actually try to help. Which is super annoying as it's guilt tripping ad nauseam. Really the best thing to do is to just not say anything at all, but she's the same, "Forget I ever said anything then. I better not say anything then." Omg just shut up and have a normal conversation without worrying about pointless gooseberry fool every 5 seconds and embroiling everyone else in insecurity.

Like yesterday, I'm playing the piano and I'm thinking, wow I'm actually pretty good at this. My granny is listening. My mum interrupts, "are all the decorations on the tree, then?" My cousin has put the decorations on the tree, which is clearly decorated, and I've hung other decorations around the room. I'm playing piano, go away. But no, we must check all of them have been used. What's the strawberry floating point of this question? She explains, "that's what people do on X-mas eve." No mum, it's what you do, checking whether all the decorations have been used, or has this been done, or when is this next thing going to be done and where and how. I finished work just barely 2 days ago and I'm trying to not think too much and relax. I want to do almost nothing and drink a little whiskey. I'm playing piano for granny who is sitting, down, is that enough? Stop strawberry floating thinking for one minute. Jesus.

So I went on a full on bender walking aimlessly for like 5 miles and the fuzz had to bring me home with my brother in chase. Merry Xmas

I’ve been having an episode of my night terrors all night so I’ve been partying hard too

I give up on sleep now

I slept but I randomly spazzed in the morning and broke a lightbulb so feel guilty enough to leave £2.70 in change to replace it :simper:

But my brother's dog is good, think I'll just talk to him today and then go home. Spoke to my gf so have a protocol in effect. Typing in the corridor with my family in the living room and not sure I can say hello. Pretty shitty situation tbh but at least my aunt could calm me down by, y'know, showing actual physical affection and listening and stuff.

Apologies for the slow response, but thanks to everyone for the replies :wub:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-asi ... t-of-peace

Had a nice trip to Amsterdam but a voice in my head the entire time just saying kill yourself or find some sort of ejector seat for this mortal plane

First time ever last night I dreamt about killing myself and had mixed emotions of worry and pure comfort like finally

Bed day todau

My brother jokingly motioned stabbing me repeatly on Xmas day which was a great way for my mind to conflate thinking of the same thing at night just a few weeks ago. My family really don't have a clue. Heading back home in a police car after wandering off into the night might have finally woken one of them up to how bad and dangerous real depression can get, at least, should you actually witness it when the mask slips, not that I wished them to have that experience. I generally get the impression most of the time that it's no big deal and is just about being crazy and sad all the time.

The fact he kept repeatedly telling the police I was getting increasingly aggressive as well was just not true and really hurtful. I was speaking my mind and wailing, that is not really the same as aggression. I was curled up on a side curb digging my nails into the dirt and gripping the ground repeating the mantra "I'm not aggressive" for about 45 minutes, I suppose I was worried they would book me. I think the police were just as confused as I was by that insinuation. My brothers have always had this absurd idea I am a violent person when usually it is them that hurt me, physically or emotionally and refuse to be even slightly contrite about it. "It's just a joke mate, don't take it so personally" AKA "you are not allowed to have feelings, suck it up you little bitch". There is nothing acceptable about bullying within families at all. When did that before normal? Why is pretending to stab someone funny? My mum has never done jack gooseberry fool about it either because she is afraid of her own children and loud men in general and, well, everything as she suffers from PTSD. My father was abusive so she will just do nothing and expect the problem to go away. We haven't even talked about what happened even once. Not even posited the question of what happened there and how did I feel at the time. Just pretend nothing happened and things roll along as if it's all fine. Really, my family are pathetic and I think it's fair to say if they actually did parenting properly and split up responsibly I might not have this horrible disease seemingly forever.

Hi Gecko.

It sounds horrific. I don't really know what to say other than offer support and say you can PM me whenever you like, as well as always vent in here.

I'm learning a lot about people. Some people genuinely care, and other people can't understand so they just fall back on the same procedures. It sounds to me like you need to give your family some space and maybe talk to them one on one when the time is right?

Have you maybe considered writing them a letter? They will care about you, even if you don't think it now. You could even post your letter up here or PM it to some members on here who could tell you if it was reasonable etc. (Also I completely understand why you wouldn't want to do that, but ya know whatever helps).

I wish I could help or understand more what you're going through, but we're always happy to listen here on GRCCade. I think even a response is useful.

Work counselling these past few months has done me the world of good. Faced a few realities and am dealing with my explosive anger issues far better.

I've learned to count to ten.

Good to be alive.

Did some counselling last year and now have to face some realities.

I am now at the age when it seems most people have had marriages or families already yet I still seem horribly infantile. I have not achieved anything like the success in work or anything else what I would have thought and I worry life won't get much better as time goes on. Most of the pleasure in my life seems to come from meaningless distractions.

I wish I had something I could use to pull myself out of this but I cannot seem to muster much enthusiasm for anything. I think I need to re-commit my efforts in self care through exercise and maybe join some social group or other.

Meep in Heavenly Peace wrote:Did some counselling last year and now have to face some realities.

I am now at the age when it seems most people have had marriages or families already yet I still seem horribly infantile. I have not achieved anything like the success in work or anything else what I would have thought and I worry life won't get much better as time goes on. Most of the pleasure in my life seems to come from meaningless distractions.

I wish I had something I could use to pull myself out of this but I cannot seem to muster much enthusiasm for anything. I think I need to re-commit my efforts in self care through exercise and maybe join some social group or other.

I wouldn't get into the mindset of thinking that because unlike your friends etc you're not married and don't have children that you've somehow failed or are infantile. You might find yourself chasing a happiness that isn't real for no other reason than to keep up with the Joneses. I think finding a new social group is a good idea. Maybe, as I have done now that I'm separated, reconnect with old friends who are still living the single life. You'd be surprised at what you might discover.

As for work? Pigeon hole it. Put food on the table, a quiet pint in your hand, keep a roof over your head. It's just a job at the end of the day. And those meaningless distractions aren't meaningless if they give you some modicum of happiness. They're a part of who you are. They're never meaningless.

Thanks Gemini. I feel almost exactly the same as Meep and your post is really helpful.

Sending my love to GG. I hope you're getting through the days one at a time. Christmas has been rough on me this year but it's all done and dusted now for another year.

Thanks for the support guys.

I try not to play down my hobbies also. Some of them have blossomed into short lived careers, which is more than can be said of many people who have no discernible applied interests that they develop into skills at all.

I have said it before, but doing nothing is also doing a thing. People who are reflective and think with their time are just as valuable as those who laud it about buying expensive things or having lots of fun with friends. Which may not be your idea of fun or fulfilment at all. They are, all in all, generally vapid or boring people who only seem to think about how to get what they want next in this endless cycle of go gettery.

I refer to the French concept of the flaneur "the man about the town". Similar to Vincent Van Gogh who was, of course, somewhat unstable. What we do with this life is only subject to the judgment of others if we allow ourselves to be judged. And in that way we judge ourselves based on the criteria established by other, alien people, who we have no control over. There the things that have been made to be that without me could never exist. That's why I work in art, because regardless of how good or bad or successful or unsuccessful it is or how well it connects with other people emotionally and symbolically it is absolutely a fact that I made it and that is irrevocable evidence that I made a mark in the world somehow and I chose to do that. It didn't simply happen by accident or through inheritance or good luck or whatever. I learned and applied skills to execute a manifestation of many things that are important to me uniquely in the way that I can. Bereft of some other things like money, a close knit family or a dazzling social life, it is often what is left and what I hold onto when it comes to evaluating what I have rather than what I have not.

Last edited by Gemini73 on Thu Jan 02, 2020 3:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

My youngest had one of her meltdowns the evening just gone. Not uncommon, but given the current upheaval not unexpected. Unfortunately she gets her meltdowns from me but as a child it takes her longer to come back, so to speak. On advice given to me by my councillor at work I decided, (after telling my daughter off for saying horrible things to her mum, which then aroused tension between me and the wife), to walk away and count to ten and let her mum deal with the tantrum being as she is, on the whole, a more calming element than I am.

Gave it an hour then seeing she'd calmed down we had a cuddle and she then happily went to sleep in her mum's arms.

All is well again now except my sleeping pattern is shot to gooseberry fool, but that's due to my shift pattern at work not last night's events.

First bit of tension in the house for a good month or so, but I put that down to me moving to my new home on Monday and the period of readjustment that will bring.

Zilnad wrote:Thanks Gemini. I feel almost exactly the same as Meep and your post is really helpful.

No problem, dude. Nice to know some of the help and advice I've been getting can be passed on.

Remember last summer when I was whining on about my friends being horrible to me? Well it never really went away, now don't get me wrong compared to some people on here its nothing. But after alcohol or around night shifts, or often both it gets worse.

By late Autumn i thought we'd turned a corner, but then at christmas it all went to pot. Again due to the nature of the job and location non of us can go home.

She invited us around for board games and drinks christmas eve. Food christmas day as well. And it was all nice again.

However, she doesn't like changing plans and reacts badly. I was asked by a group of mutual friends to ask her if we can merge her christmas eve event, or maybe do her event first and then join them. She didn't take to it well. she cancelled on us christmas eve, no matter how much I tried and how much I told her we still wanted to go to her event.
Christmas day she then acted all normal again and we had a nice day until the evening when we went to the bar. We got in there and her and her partner in crime went straight over to a group of blokes to flirt and left me and two others in the corner.
We decided to go and join some other friends and leave them two to it, to which she gave me sarci comments, rolled her eyes and said 'this is like christmas eve all over again.'

This hurt me and on boxing day i stupidly text her saying she needs to get her priorities sorted as I'd tried so so hard to convince her that we wanted to see her on christmas eve. She's not spoken to me since.

I'm done for real this time, she's toxic, shes nasty to me in particularly and never wants to talk things through and shes pathetic. She's 33 years old, an alcoholic who stays out partying with groups of men until 5 am and most likely ends up sleeping with them, and will drop a friend in an instant. And whilst some of you may argue non of this is wrong, its completely different to my personality.

I expected too much and we are too different. I've always been liked by people and been able to fix friednships. In fact i've never fallen out with or had to cut out a friend in my life before now, so all I can think is it tells a lot about her.

I have put my hands up so many times when I'm in the wrong, and I have been at times this past week. But all I want to do is scream at her about what hell she's made the last 7 months of my life, but I know she won't understand. It's really odd living in this fishbowl that's for sure.

Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

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