J. Vengeance wrote:So, i'm worried that i'm seeing signs in myself that i'm developing symptoms of Bipolar Disorder or some other mental health condition.
I've suffered from depression for a good number of years now, i've had counselling in the past but they have either been short term fixes or haven't helped at all and now i'm noticing i'm having very rapid mood swings.
I was out with friends and I went through a mental laspe of happiness, anger (at myself), jealousy, bitterness (at myself), boredom and the feeling of emptiness in the space of 4 hours.
And at work last night I went through the same mood swings but they were even more rapid and in a 3 hours time span and I can could visualize going from wall to wall. My head also feels foggy inside so I don't know what my train of though is when it happens.
I'm making an appointment with the doctor to ask for a psychiatrist appointment, what's going on in my head now isn't just depression, it's something else and i'm pretty much scared of myself right now.
It's OK man you're doing the right thing by taking note of the emotions and mood swings and seeing the doctor, definitely 100% the right thing to do. It's much better to be aware of these things than to ignore them or pretend they're not happening.
I mentioned quetiapine before, at low doses this is a mood stabiliser that might help and there are some other more left field things like mindfulness/meditation and perhaps CBD oil (please be careful with this it's extremely expensive and sometimes the cannaboids are such a low volume it is a waste of money) that can take the edge off.
I have definitely experienced that in the past, mistakenly (as I hadn't seem some of my childhood friends for over a year) I let my family take over at Xmas and I didn't go to the pub for Xmas eve to see them. That said, last year I burst into tears just because my friend who is a bit up north now so talks very loudly and can seem angry when isn't. It's always an emotional time when seeing friends you haven't seem for a long time but still care about, nonetheless there are other occasions where I have thought "I must go see my friends!" And then go and can just barely cope at all, I will sit there in anxious silence and just go blank, feel that pressure on myself to talk because I want to socialise but somehow can't. It's a really tough place to be knowing you want that normality and commune of socialising but your brain just isn't playing along. So I do understand that being stuck between 4 corners of different emotions. Just bear in mind this can be normal sometimes for everyone when there's a lot going on but if it is occurring repeatedly and it's having an effect on your quality of life and overall mood or sense of wellness then it's best to see a doctor. Good luck with your appointment. Mine is tomorrow, I've written a small list of what I want to discuss (as I get an hour which is nice!) and review my care plan for the next 6 months or so which I haven't done in a long time (several years now).
I thought I might be bipolar, it was suggested by a tutor at college over 12 years ago now. I think I am on a low level but it's more like cyclothymic depression, this means you go through phases of subtle mania (excitement or hyperactivity or sudden bursts of energy) and depression on a sort of sine wave, up and down over several weeks over and over again and I just have to learn to live with that and identify the signs of when I need to take some time off or if it get worse go to the doctor. Yet it's that I very rarely feel "well" or "content" or whatever that even is. Which is a side effect of antidepressants - in my experience you can feel less cripplingly sad (like don't want to bother going on living sad or would be better off without a brain getting in the way etc) but just moot overall which I am not fond of being either, but it's better than being dead. That's such a low quality bar for life I need to look at it again from time to time so I am doing that.
For counselling I can get a discount at my girlfriend's work for a counsellor who also does neurolinguistic programming (NLP) and hypnosis so really ought to try that. NOt sure why I'm putting it off, just always find it very difficult to start a relationship like that because it's so personal. I try to get on with things and then look back, I've spent maybe 90% of my time doing 5% of the things I had in mind (bear in mind I hyper think and am extremely creative so that's pretty normal to be honest) and part of that is because I'm just sleeping so much and getting stuck in ruts not knowing what to do next to benefit ME rather than my business or my customers or whatever. So overall the more I put off getting some help the more time I'm losing to just nothingness. It can be so hard to get over the barrel like that, as I've seen only a few specialists in my "journey" battling my own brain and sometimes they hare helpful and sometimes it just feels like talking to a brick wall or what can really come of this etc. I fill in the forms saying I feel a bit better in this respect because I'm speaking to someone about my traumas and then it's "you are NONDEPRESSED" and you can go home, queue a few months down the line new trauma happens or something else and I'm back at square one again. If I could make my business profitable I'd gladly pour all of that into paying for regular help as it isn't going to happen on its own in this climate (I never had help at school or when I was growing up despite presenting all the same issues) and jobs etc. Aren't going to provide adequate support because they don't want to or they don't want to pay for it or it's not available etc etc.
It's the only way I can be these days. It should be easier but unfortunately it isn't. I still don't even know where to start looking for private help even if it was just a half decent secretary type person who could take some of the load off, but that's expensive as well. In an ideal world someone like my dad would contribute and say, OK rather than buying a new car or house etc. Here's three grand, go and pay for a mentor or coach to help you out a bit. Although that may finally happen I need to make it sustainable. My old GP (founding partner of a practice so he was good but retired) said, think of it like an investment, invest in the wellness of your mind and then in the long term you will see a return from that. Of course, it's right, just hard to find the resources at times. I wish people like my dad and other people could see that, I suppose I can be grateful (and am grateful) that my partner does. But she has her own job and her own life, she can't be around all the time to deal with my work issues or problems at work years ago!!