Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

you have an extremely specific degree, right?

it'll be hard to get that break but Im sure when you do it'll be tip top

in false news I broke up with the girl Ive been seeing, today

I think my mate had to go through about 20+ doctoral applications including treatments to find the one philosophy paid doctorate (fellowship I think) in Europe. Finding a teaching/research role is probably even worse.

I'm applying for emergency relief arts funds at some point, if one of my clients can't order about £3k worth of gooseberry fool I was developing for months, all I need is for them to say "no" and then I can demonstrate it's a loss of income due to pandemic blahs.

I just feel empty now, being stuck in town here for any extended period of time was bad enough before all this, but now it's just a never ending nightmare.

I'm probably being selfish and wrong, but all i want now is for everything to unlock and for life to return to what it was.

Nah, I understand that entirely. Since the lockdown began I've been slowly unravelling, culminating today in flitting between completely listless and utterly emotionally distraught.

I'll spare most details on what's triggering it, as I can recognise how much it's being exacerbated by the current situation. I started seeing someone at the beginning of the year and now it feels like I've effectively been ghosted. I know she has her own issues to contend with and I want to be sympathetic and understanding towards that, but I've made it known that I'm struggling and I've gotten nothing in return. So that's a shitter, moreover as it's got some uncomfortable parallels with how I got dumped years back which properly sent me off the deep end. But we'd only been dating very briefly before work took me elsewhere, so it wasn't like I'd devoted an enormous part of my life to her, just gave enough emotion for it to mess with me.

What's really compounding it is being trapped in Cardiff. Since the aforementioned breakup, I've changed up my life in a pretty big way and basically spend most of the year travelling for various jobs as an English teacher. I dunno how much of a future there is in it, but I enjoy getting to move around, meeting new people and going to new places, it's been a source of focus for me and keeping my mind occupied. I've purposely taken on short term contracts to keep myself moving, and it's been generally decent with a few blips here and there. Of course, there's no work available currently. Anywhere. As I was finishing up a job (and my accommodation was provided as part of that), I had nowhere to go and would rather not bankrupt myself in a foreign country, so back I am at my Dad's place where I can at least save money.

Thing is, it's the only positive to being here. This isn't a place that helps my mental health, as I feel no connection to the place. It's my Dad's place, not a familial home, if you get what I mean? I very much feel like a guest here and unable to express myself, or even figure out how to express myself. In addition, I just don't have the kind of relationship with my Dad (or my Mum) where I feel I can talk about these issues, as I have done in the past and did not feel like it helped at all. While I'm grateful for the roof over my head and the safety, internally I'm at a loss and have been starting to tumble back down into depressive spells. Which is where the ghosting takes its toll; if I was living my life then I would have my coping mechanisms, interacting with students and co workers, seeing new places, trying to piece together the local language etc. But now I'm spending each day feeling trapped, with no ending in sight. So I'm dwelling on it, and consequently it's dragging me further down, and I don't know how to combat it. Talking online to friends isn't the same. Arranging drinks and such through the internet, while appreciated, isn't the same. And there isn't an escape from it as I cannot go outside to do some of the simpler coping mechanisms. Watching films loses the focus as there's no walk to the cinema and darkened room, experimenting with food isn't the same as there's no option to try the cooking of others in a different location. I think Blackouthero said it well in the fitness thread that there's a whole ritual associated with gymgoing that you can't replicate with a home workout, and I'm really feeling that.

As it isn't my home, I have little to no drive to do anything, and have spent literal hours each day just staring off into nothingness. My feelings towards ending it in the past have manifested themselves in this manner; an absolute lack of want to do anything or be anywhere, that questioning of what's the point in being here if you don't feel any fulfillment from it. I know not to trust that voice, but it's been there with increasing regularity lately. I just don't know how to deal with that in the current circumstances.

Banjo wrote:I started seeing someone at the beginning of the year and now it feels like I've effectively been ghosted.

I can sympathise with the loneliness that brings, since this all started, i've not been able to see any friends at all, not least because they don't live in the same town as me.

Ugh, not good. Not good at all. Never mind, no doubt tomorrow will be...

Monumentally shite?

Squinty wrote:Monumentally shite?

Probably.

Definitely feeling very anxious tonight. Got that sinking feeling in my stomach. At least it's nearly bed time and tomorrow is a new day.

dont want anyone thinking this is a cry for help or begging for sympathy or anything, so we'll just take that off the table to start with

Ive been a bit low the last few weeks, up and down but mostly down been spending a lot of time kind of just exhausted, tired of fighting my mind tbh

again, I promise this isnt a cry for help but just how it is - Ive decided that Ill definitely end up topping myself

its not something Im gonna do now or even in the immediate future and I dont wanna do it, but when I do go Ill go like this

its not very nice to think about but I think its just what it is

there is a strange peace from accepting it tbh, like a terminal patient, though Im not trying to ride on their genuine problems

False wrote:dont want anyone thinking this is a cry for help or begging for sympathy or anything, so we'll just take that off the table to start with

Ive been a bit low the last few weeks, up and down but mostly down been spending a lot of time kind of just exhausted, tired of fighting my mind tbh

again, I promise this isnt a cry for help but just how it is - Ive decided that Ill definitely end up topping myself

its not something Im gonna do now or even in the immediate future and I dont wanna do it, but when I do go Ill go like this

its not very nice to think about but I think its just what it is

there is a strange peace from accepting it tbh, like a terminal patient, though Im not trying to ride on their genuine problems

I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this is inevitable at the moment, I've been there before. Do you feel like these are ruminations on death or the inevitably of death (which is, sadly, true for all of us!) or something you feel like you will arrive at whatever happens in your life or whatever you do? I think there is plenty you can do at least in the meantime that might lead you to feeling different one day - I truly hope you do feel like your life is worth living soon! You've been through a horrendously rough patch yet are setting your self up on some kind of foundation and are doing things you enjoy and are extremely skilled at (also in what seems like a relatively short space of time). I'm sure most people would say we as a community are glad to have you around and sharing your life in little tidbits. If you keep feeling this way please don't be discouraged to journal a little bit if that helps you.

What's your clinical situation like at the moment? Can you call your standby nurse (I think you might at least at some point had a CMHT person?) at all or try calling/chatting with the the mental healthline 0300 123 3393 or Samaritans (116 123)? You can call them for any reason if you are feeling low, you don't have to be like, I'm gonna die really soon or tomorrow etc. Once I called them just because I had a shitty conversation with a cunty customer service agent dealing with my overdue energy bills and had an anxiety attack and was just not coping with what I felt like was basic stuff. But hey I have autism so that gooseberry fool makes me feel totally useless at the best of times. You could e-mail jo@samaritans.org and just offload some stuff.

You can also text "Shout" to 85258 to do a couple of texts if you think this is like, inevitable at any time at all and you're in a bit of a mess with your phone handy. Once I uploaded a gamecube logo I made to Imgur and just wrote, "depressed fabricator makes gamecube logo" and got chatting with some random young woman over a couple of days over PMs there. You may find sources of support in the most unexpected places.

I know it's probably not the sanest thought to have but I came to the exact same conclusion over the past few days as you, Falsey.

I don't feel suicidal at all but I have a strong belief that before I'm old, events will transpire that'll lead me to do it and I'm fairly confident I've decided how it'll be done.

Just things like my wife having cancer last year (she's fine now) and us having no dependents make me feel like I'm going to reach a point one day where my wife is gone and I've had enough.

yeah its not something that you actively plan for or want, and the thought alone seems extremely shallow, ungrateful and stupid - but the best way to describe it is massive world consuming fatigue and exhaustion - simply dont want to go on dealing with it

Ive seen enough accounts and videos of people killing themselves to know that you immediately regret it, the body is designed to survive and the second the adrenaline and endorphins hit you your mind wakes the strawberry float up and tells you it was short-sighted and you gotta get out of it

ah well

cheers gg, I have contact with my nurse and therapist and doctor but I havent told them, I dont want to deal with it - I cancelled my therapy appointment last week

Falsey mate ive never met you in person but youre a lovely guy and you dont deserve to feel like you are doing
just want to let you know id be genuinely hurt if you decided to end it all
for what its worth
dont do anything silly

I know it's not a cry for help or anything falsely but as the post above states I think this type of thing would affect all of us on here

Of course , you shouldn't just behave and do things in order to appease us but what I do genuinely believe is that there are always good days ahead. That's just a fact of life.

I hope you're attitude towards life changes soon.

False wrote:dont want anyone thinking this is a cry for help or begging for sympathy or anything, so we'll just take that off the table to start with

Ive been a bit low the last few weeks, up and down but mostly down been spending a lot of time kind of just exhausted, tired of fighting my mind tbh

again, I promise this isnt a cry for help but just how it is - Ive decided that Ill definitely end up topping myself

its not something Im gonna do now or even in the immediate future and I dont wanna do it, but when I do go Ill go like this

its not very nice to think about but I think its just what it is

there is a strange peace from accepting it tbh, like a terminal patient, though Im not trying to ride on their genuine problems

stay strong g xx

I used to work for a charity called BeatBullying and its sister charity Mindful which was focused around trying to help 11 to 18 year olds struggling with bullying and/or mental health. I really really enjoyed it but the company went into administration and it deeply upset me... I am not sure why but I finally decided to get this out of me and talk about it... I guess I just wanted to share this because on the one side it shows how helping others can help you, but I also just needed to get it out of me if that makes sense, I feel a lot of annoyance at the former owner and needed to vent this out in the world where people could hear it.

I won’t post on here again because I’m too much of a one note downer

I’ve had a pretty good day today but lol I’m deffo gonna do myself

Very very tired tbh

Don’t worry this isn’t a final note so don’t call the police, but I’m gonna party till I’m done

Consider this false checking out - peace

Well how the hell do you respond to that, you should keep posting Falsey. People don't mind listening to this stuff. They don't mind talking, helping. I've seen you help lots of people on here too. Please keep sharing and helping. We need you brew.

That's what this topic is for, please keep posting.