Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

Corazon de Leon

Oblomov Boblomov wrote:Surely friendship happens organically? You can actively put a stop to it, which could be necessary depending on the context of the working relationship, but it sounds fairly unusual for friendship-building in general to be an active/contrived process.

I dunno, I’ve always had to work very hard to start and maintain friendships. For some of us, socialising really doesn’t come naturally.

Corazon de Leon wrote:
Oblomov Boblomov wrote:Surely friendship happens organically? You can actively put a stop to it, which could be necessary depending on the context of the working relationship, but it sounds fairly unusual for friendship-building in general to be an active/contrived process.

I dunno, I’ve always had to work very hard to start and maintain friendships. For some of us, socialising really doesn’t come naturally.

Fair enough. The immediate question for me would be can I really consider someone to be a friend if I have to work hard to maintain that relationship, but I'm happy to chalk that up to my personal ignorance of how people manage things differently than I do and it's probably not a discussion appropriate for this thread.

Oblomov Boblomov wrote:Surely friendship happens organically? You can actively put a stop to it, which could be necessary depending on the context of the working relationship, but it sounds fairly unusual for friendship-building in general to be an active/contrived process.

I kind of disagree with that, at least in terms of the initial stages - you can't force if it goes anywhere, but putting yourself out there is important. You've got to be willing to risk rejection. No one used to go for drinks on a Friday where I last worked until I just started sending round a group email asking if anyone fancied it, and turns out some did, and then some of those became actual friends. But if you don't ask you don't get. And you have to accept sometimes you won't get even when you do try. Being adaptable also helps, reading the room. Maybe they don't go for drinks because they don't like drinking, etc etc, find something else like a coffee break on a Friday afternoon or something.

Also always always say yes if someone suggests something, even if you don't really fancy it. Make the connection and show willing and they might do the same in return.

Winckle wrote:
Mini E wrote:I just cried in Tesco because they'd run out of peanut butter. I think I might be a bit on edge . I have three CBT sessions on the NHS from 30th June. Bring them on . Never have I meant a laughing emoji as little as I do in this post

If they didn't have marmite peanut butter and I was craving it I think I'd be close to the waterworks myself. I hope the therapy helps.

Also wishing the best for you Mini, E, but I'm really just commenting to add some love for Marmite Peanut butter.

I tried making it myself and it just wasn't the same.

Red wrote:Also always always say yes if someone suggests something, even if you don't really fancy it. Make the connection and show willing and they might do the same in return.

This is one of the best pieces of advice in here I think.

I'm a bit introverted and also socially lazy (is that a real term?), so my instinctive response to any plan is "oh uh maybe". I get a lot more out of friendships (and found it easier to make those friends) when I force myself to say "yes, what time?" instead.

Making friends certainly doesn't come naturally or organically for all sorts of people for all sorts of reasons, whether that's psychological, neurological, physiological or something else. That's not to say it isn't something you can work on. Risk taking for the risk-averse is good advice, turns out 99% of the time it's no big deal and basically the risk is bollocks and the more you take risks the less averse you become and the more "stuff" happens. Stuff doesn't happen to you, especially not good stuff, unless you take calculated risks.

I think my post might have come across as a comment on/response to something different to what I intended. I completely understand that some people find it harder to make friends than others.

I was more wondering about the idea that people actively don't make friends at work (I think someone said the idea of becoming friends with a work colleague disgusts them, or something like that).

For example, I find myself in situations where suddenly I'm seeing a lot of someone from work or talking to them about non-work things, maybe even over WhatsApp or whatever. Maybe we end up going out for drinks or something. This doesn't happen by me actively working towards becoming friends with them, it just develops organically.

I certainly wasn't responding in a negative way to anyone who finds it difficult to forge friendships. I can see that this might be how it was inferred, so I just wanted to clear it up!

Corazon de Leon

Don’t worry about it mate, I don’t think anyone took it in an offensive manner!

aayl1 wrote:
Winckle wrote:
Mini E wrote:I just cried in Tesco because they'd run out of peanut butter. I think I might be a bit on edge . I have three CBT sessions on the NHS from 30th June. Bring them on . Never have I meant a laughing emoji as little as I do in this post

If they didn't have marmite peanut butter and I was craving it I think I'd be close to the waterworks myself. I hope the therapy helps.

Also wishing the best for you Mini, E, but I'm really just commenting to add some love for Marmite Peanut butter.

I tried making it myself and it just wasn't the same.

Thanks chaps. As low as I am at the moment, it's good to know that things could be worse and I could actually have such bad taste as to enjoy marmite peanut butter. This perspective is appreciated.

@ObBob: I didn't think your post was bad or anything. This thread is about sharing thoughts & perspectives after all. One of those things we're all going to have slightly different thoughts / experiences on I think.

Thanks guys, reassuring to know I needn't have worried after all!

Oblomov Boblomov wrote:Thanks guys, reassuring to know I needn't have worried after all!

Yeah - what KP said. All good as far as I'm concerned!

I think it's a perfectly reasonable observation to look at how friends just "happen" in some instances, investigate the process behind why or how that happens, and then apply that to the problem of actively "trying" to make friends which, often, simply doesn't work. The world is weird.

What it did remind me of was how I gave this speech at the "Student Experience Conference" for my uni about just how strawberry floating hard it was to re-establish your social life amongst many other things moving into a new, alien environment where you can feel lie you have to start all over again from ground zero. I got a standing ovation, then the raffle was called and I won an iPad 2. I was so embarrassed I ducked and dived under the table which is one of the most autistic things I've ever done. Then some of the staff wanted to interview me for research. Noped the strawberry float out of that and went to a nearby art exhibition we had preview tickets for which probably led me to realise art doesn't have to be strawberry floating paintings.

That's kind of CBT (the analysis of thoughts, feelings and behaviours logically) which reminds me I need to get back on it. Lo and behold clinical support ended after literally 40 minutes (I mean, c'mon, how long have I been in the system now, 14 years?) and I've wavered from it because there's no wordly connection with reality.

blackoutHERO wrote:I've found with work places that some people just don't see work as a place to 'make friends'. I think it's potentially unlucky on your part that the boys there don't see it as a social event whereas the girls do. What field are you in that it's 95% females?

Right, but at my work literally everybody there is part of a social group, literally everybody apart from me and the other guy have been invited out for casual stuff. And the other guy there has 2 kids so it's easy for him to socialise with the parents. I work in child care.

A lot of women just seem to put up this barrier around heterosexual men and so find it quite hurtful. Does anyone else experience that? Ironically my best friend is a woman.

Rocsteady wrote:The thing is, and I really don't mean this to sound mean, no one is obligated to be friends with you. People have told me they're lonely before and I sympathise with that, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be friends with them. Maybe our personalities don't quite click, or I have too much on, or I'm comfortable in my loneliness so don't want to hang out.

Work is very low in my list of places to make friends. Mainly as I like to complain about work and it's a risk when doing that with colleagues. From my last 2 jobs, and I'm a sociable person, I have one genuine friend who we get along brilliantly. Other than that, I'm simply not interested. That doesn't make any of us bad people.

Oh no of course not, but when you know someone has mental health problems, went through a traumatising break up and was off work because of those two things you would have thought offering to go for a drink and a chat might have been a nice gesture to offer them some support. I guess it comes with the job, but most of the women there are very traditional and seem to have quite a typical view of men (stoic, unemotional etc) at least judging by their behaviour and comments.

I just don't think anybody there has taken a second to think what it would be like if they were the only woman in a male dominant workplace. Or maybe they have and they don't give a gooseberry fool. Either way I understand more why there are so few men in childcare, because they get treated like outsiders.

How many of these people in social groups do you know attend those meetups and aren't simply invited? Can you imagine any of them having difficulty attending themselves or merely paying lip service to such requests? That's pretty common in work because as has been expressed in here numerous times plenty of people in our shared experience in this thread do not have any (or very little interest) or success in making friends at work.

I think you hold very clear cut views about women that simply aren't universally true, perhaps meet some women elsewhere but it's going to be very hard to do that if you insist women are what you say they are in that particular environment because those thoughts pollute other opportunities. This isn't about "men", it's about you and if it wasn't about you then what is this internal dialogue? This is the only thing that can be changed.

The other thing to realise is that in general people don't care, and you can't make them care unless they already like you or you have done something for them. People can also care or act like they care and then disappear weeks or years later, or continue to care but don't regularly express this because it's a fact of life people drift apart and are separated by mere distance. That probably doesn't mean nobody cares about you. People aren't automatically compassionate unless they have some kind of interest in you which can include approaching them. Over time it is possible to develop charisma and develop things to say that are interesting to others which can more often that not include subjects they can respond and relate to or haven't heard before, provided it isn't something overtly offensive which you can probably judge for yourself. I think you're stuck between a rock and a hard place with these ideas but they are your ideas and those ideas can change.

If making friends at work hasn't worked for you and you've tried, it's practical and healthy to try other approaches to stop dwelling on such challenges consistently presenting you because you choose to focus on that avenue for friendship at this time. You may move jobs and find this is never a problem again. Personally I've never gone for a drink or an event with anyone ever in any job I've ever done, including freelance clients, not including one single business lunch which was I was paid to attend. That's in 9 years since graduating university and I'm 31.

Yeah just to be clear, I'm literally talking about the women at my work, not all women.

And also literally all of their primary friend groups are from work. So I understand what you are saying, some workplaces just don't socialise. But mine does and as a result I feel very left out. Nobody there has to resort to activity groups to socialise so I don't see why I should have to. Plus during the week I don't get home till 7pm, I don't really have the time.

Cracked gets a bad rep but #6 on this list is basically the crux of the matter for making friends: 6. The World Only Cares About What It Can Get from You
now this doesnt mean actual 'things' but if people get a good feeling from interacting with you, they will want to do that again.
this doesnt mean youre a bad person if people dont want to be your friend but its not like you or i choose friends based on how much i want to help them, im friendly with people because they give me something in return, and i dont make friends with people who i see as having nothing to offer, or who are not enjoyable to be around.
this isnt meant to be victim blaming in any way; i hope it is helpful because it was to me.

Maybe I've just been unlucky but I find that kind of behaviour is way more transparent in men. I've had numerous male friends in the past who did things that very clearly indicated they didn't give a gooseberry fool unless they were getting something out of the situation. The worst was when I was going through a horrendous break up with my mentally ill ex and my closest friend at the time (of 8 or so years) decided that was a good time to ghost me. I guess because he didn't want to help me deal with that gooseberry fool, bare in mind this was after I told him I'd sliced my arm. Instead of being compassionate he just took the selfish route and bailed when he wasn't getting the feel goods.

And I get what you are saying, but the point is I'm not even being given a chance to show my worth. If I'd have been invited out once and they didn't get on with me I would completely understand.

It's not like I can be myself at work, especially when surrounded by a bunch of impressionable kids.

i completely understand your position Fade. it seems like youve been let down in the past which is horrible and a situation that ive been lucky enough to avoid.
however it doesnt help when you say that work are a 'bunch of impressionable kids' if i can infer your condescension through writing how do you think you come across to those you despise in person :lol:

I work in childcare...

:lol:

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