Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

Fade wrote:

blackoutHERO wrote:I've found with work places that some people just don't see work as a place to 'make friends'. I think it's potentially unlucky on your part that the boys there don't see it as a social event whereas the girls do. What field are you in that it's 95% females?

Right, but at my work literally everybody there is part of a social group, literally everybody apart from me and the other guy have been invited out for casual stuff. And the other guy there has 2 kids so it's easy for him to socialise with the parents. I work in child care.

A lot of women just seem to put up this barrier around heterosexual men and so find it quite hurtful. Does anyone else experience that? Ironically my best friend is a woman.

I tend to find it harder to make male friends and break into male friendship groups. I've only just started making male friends again since starting university. I'm not heterosexual but most people assume I am and I guess I get "passing privilege" from being asexual so I'm not sure that counts. Or where I was going with that. I guess that generally my female friends have been more inclusive and also more accepting of both my mental health and my sexual orientation (or lack there of) whereas I found male friends more likely to cut ties because of my mental health or make judgement calls based on my sexuality. I don't know, I guess this is a pretty rambling reply with very little point.

Fade wrote:I work in childcare...

Fade wrote:Yeah just to be clear, I'm literally talking about the women at my work, not all women.

And also literally all of their primary friend groups are from work. So I understand what you are saying, some workplaces just don't socialise. But mine does and as a result I feel very left out. Nobody there has to resort to activity groups to socialise so I don't see why I should have to. Plus during the week I don't get home till 7pm, I don't really have the time.

Sometimes people don't want to be your friend and that's OK because there will be other people who do. It's not that they don't like you potentially but maybe they have enough pals already.

Also, do you go to bed at 7.15pm? Getting home at 7pm isn't an excuse to not do something in the evening. I'd recommend looking at work as a way to help kids, improve yourself, make money to do things you want to do and not as a sociable venture. Use your free time for that and find people who want to be with you.

Fade wrote:Nobody there has to resort to activity groups to socialise so I don't see why I should have to.

This won't help - those people's lives aren't anything to do with you really, everyone's in a different situation, moping about how some other people don't need to join a club in the evening to make friends isn't going to help. What they do or don't need to do shouldn't be of consequence. Plus, as they aren't really your friends, you don't necessarily know what they get up to outside of work. Clubs and societies exist to bring people with similar interests together, get on it.

You can't expect people to just come to you. You frame a lot of things up here as 'people should be my friend because I'm sad' but tbh that's likely to put them off, if they have to become an immediate emotional crutch for you. Sure, your friend of 8 years should be there for you, but new friends, much less so. I'd try to minimise all that stuff to start with and concentrate on being a fun human being to hang out with, and it'll be easier to forge longer term meaningful, caring relationships with people.

@Fade: It sounds like a frustrating situation, and it's OK to feel upset about it. It's an understandable, valid response and I don't want to come across as telling you how to feel. I do think you should try to let go of any blame or resentment you might be feeling though. It doesn't sound to me like they are trying to hurt you, it's just an unfortunate situation.

You can't change their perspective. If they see you as a colleague but not a friend there probably isn't much to be done about that. I know that probably hurts, particularly if you would like to be friends with them. But at least knowing that how things are at the moment is upsetting you, you can try to work on things you can control, and put yourself out there more in other arenas.

If you meet new people and show them a fun, friendly side of yourself, I believe you will make friends, for what it's worth.

Not in a good head space the past few days. I've had a lot of family stuff going in and now I'm just exhausted. I feel heavy, sort of like I've ran a marathon. It doesn't help that I know my friend living 150 miles away is struggling a lot at the minute with his mental health and I'm worried about him too. I'm not sure what to do about any of it.

Provisionally (as there's still room for gooseberry fool to go shitter) I'll be getting out of the country by early July. Finally managed to source some work and the travel conditions are achievable, just need to hope it stays that way. Finally looks like some kind of end in sight for my situation.

Anyone got any advice on texting/social media, modern life.

I have this constant FOMO and it doesn't help by phone. I text people and become a little bit too dependant on other people. i know the simplicity of it all is learn to love yourself and then the rest will come, but god I suffer so much when I can't join in. I end up glooed to my phone trying to text and plan the next event.

I recently have acquired a very good friend and we've been hanging out a lot, but in the past few weeks she's become more distant, and stopped wanting to hang out, watch netflix, all the rest. And I text and text and try to get her to do stuff, some days it's fine, but other days it feels all wrong. I am maybe just so obsessive and reliant on my phone and the people around me. I don't know if I'm built to deal with the texting 'games' of modern times.

I'm trying to do my own thing more and not text her and not ask her to hang out, but I don't like playing mind games, I don't like siting in my room playing the Witcher when I could be hanging with her having a beer, especially when I know she's sat in her room doing something as equally boring. I'll see her the next day and be like what did you get up to, she'll reply 'ohhh not a lot' and then i'll feel like screaming at her, WELL COME ROUND FOR A BEER WHEN I TEXT YOU THEN.

I'm basically obsessive and possessive aren't I?

Curls wrote:Anyone got any advice on texting/social media, modern life.

I have this constant FOMO and it doesn't help by phone. I text people and become a little bit too dependant on other people....

I'm basically obsessive and possessive aren't I?

Yes. Read the article from Cracked listed at the top of the page, it's hard reading but is a cluster truth-bomb.

It is entirely possible that this friend doesn't want to hangout with you as much as you want to hang out with them, and that is entirely their choice and their right. If you think arranging social activities is "mind games" then that is a much bigger problem. If someone actively wants to socialise with someone else it isn't difficult or complicated. What exactly are you afraid of missing out on?

Also it sounds like you need a creative hobby. Playing videogames, watching TV etc is experiencing the creativity of others, not doing anything of your own. It's easy and convenient, but less rewarding. Doesn't matter what it is or how good you are, but find something.

Also, if someone yelled at me "WELL COME ROUND FOR A BEER WHEN I TEXT YOU THEN." They would get instantly and permanently ghosted. Other people are not there to wait on you hand and foot.

Obviously I don't act or talk like that in real life Trelliz . I have a lot of patience with people. I just use this place to vent. I'll read your article though. Thanks for the reply.


Edit:
And maybe 'game ' wasn't the right word. But texting has very much changed the way social interactions work. The ability, to plan things last minute, change plans, cancel, all the rest, has made things very different to how it would have once been, I struggle with this at times.

Is this a more than friends thing?

Red wrote:Is this a more than friends thing?

It was getting there, then it was reversing.

The trouble I have with making new friends is how exhausting it is and how I generally leave a bad first impression

Firstly I find meeting new people incredibly taxing. This is whether it's in a new job, when I started university and when I have tried taking up hobbies. And obviously this is no ones fault but my own. i dind monitoring my own behaviour really tiring. Am I talking too much? Not enough? Oh god, everyone is laughing at a joke but I didn't find it funny. Do they think I don't have a sense of humour? Oh no, they've picked up on my vocal tick that I can't control, they think I'm laughing at something inappropriate etc etc etc

When people ask me out as part of a big group it never ends well. All my anxieties come flooding out and I either end up withdrawing or massively overcompensating. Or if I'm out with a group that, in theory, I should get on fine with and try my best, I always seem to end up on the periphery. And to be clear, I'm not putting the responsibility for this on anyones shoulders but my own. It then becomes a bit of a spiral for me. Because things don't go well I get more anxious for next time, which then doesn't go well because of my anxiety, which makes me anxious for next time.

I find smaller groups much easier to handle and find that an easier way to get into social groups but those opportunities seem to occur less frequently.

It turns into something of a self-destructive rut and its really frustrating. I want to make new friends, I want to do (small scale) social stuff, hell I'd even like to maybe start dating at some point (but there are a whole load of other issues around that) but I find it so hard and tiring and frustrating that I've almost come to accept that maybe I'm not cut out for it and I'm only likely to have a small handful of close friends (and the group seems to get smaller as the years go on. And sometimes I'm absolutely fine with it, but sometimes I do feel really lonely

I'm the same Outrunner and there are a lot of people out there like you. You're naturally introverted and that's fine. Sometimes you can play the extrovert to try and fit in or feel like you're contributing but there's no requirement to do so.

One thing I tried was to spend a whole evening just listening and trying to worry less about what I was doing nor not doing by listening to others. Perhaps have something to say but for the most part listen. Oddly, while doing this, I noticed that some other friends in my groups were also doing the same thing. They seemed to do or say very little but mostly listened. There is always someone else to fill in the gaps and you can just enjoy your drink or perhaps a game you're playing or something like that. There's no requirement to say lots of things, and believe me (as anyone can probably judge from my posting style), I say a lot. Yet at times, because of the density of what I'm saying, I'm getting across very little.

Socialising doesn't necessary need to be about talking or commenting on this or that, or having opinions, or making a show or doing interesting things. It can also be just about being in close proximity to others, and that's just fine on its own.

For example, one night we had a card game night with one group of friends (I've always tried to or inadvertently maintained more than one social circle for different kinds of activities and interests, but I only actually in person see them every couple of months these days). I am gooseberry fool at card games as I always forget the rules instantly, it's hard for others to teach them to me and so frustrating for them. So I just don't play the game. Instead I sat in the corner with my 3DS with a Korg synthesiser adding sound effects to the game as a joke, which was something for me to play around with while contributing in some way and people would laugh with the odd sound effect (like wind sounds) thrown into a game of Werewolf. These are people I'm very comfortable with but I know my limits (I have memory problems) - I couldn't be bothered to learn a card game on the spot as this is something I'd get frustrated with so I just did something else, but I was still there seeing and chatting to people and experiencing other goings on that wouldn't be part of my experience of life otherwise.

I've started getting help from the Royal British Legion with my debt problems, which have exacerbated my depression and anxiety over the past few years. They are now acting on my behalf when speaking to creditors, and I am now starting to see light at the end of the tunnel with regards to my debt.

They're also providing me with a new guitar amp, as they believe that being able to get back into playing properly again will help with my mental health, and also give me an avenue to socialise more with like-minded people.

The Royal British Legion are far better and far more effective than I ever gave them credit for, and I only wish I'd approached them years ago.

Somebody Else's Problem wrote:I've started getting help from the Royal British Legion with my debt problems, which have exacerbated my depression and anxiety over the past few years. They are now acting on my behalf when speaking to creditors, and I am now starting to see light at the end of the tunnel with regards to my debt.

They're also providing me with a new guitar amp, as they believe that being able to get back into playing properly again will help with my mental health, and also give me an avenue to socialise more with like-minded people.

The Royal British Legion are far better and far more effective than I ever gave them credit for, and I only wish I'd approached them years ago.

That's cool, glad you seem to be getting on better.

Somebody Else's Problem wrote:I've started getting help from the Royal British Legion with my debt problems, which have exacerbated my depression and anxiety over the past few years. They are now acting on my behalf when speaking to creditors, and I am now starting to see light at the end of the tunnel with regards to my debt.

They're also providing me with a new guitar amp, as they believe that being able to get back into playing properly again will help with my mental health, and also give me an avenue to socialise more with like-minded people.

The Royal British Legion are far better and far more effective than I ever gave them credit for, and I only wish I'd approached them years ago.

My mum used to do volunteer work with them when she was able. She did this sort of thing.

Even if you are strawberry floating sick of poppies and all the stuff that it brings, I would still ask that people donate to the fund. They do some really great things for people.

Somebody Else's Problem wrote:I've started getting help from the Royal British Legion with my debt problems, which have exacerbated my depression and anxiety over the past few years. They are now acting on my behalf when speaking to creditors, and I am now starting to see light at the end of the tunnel with regards to my debt.

They're also providing me with a new guitar amp, as they believe that being able to get back into playing properly again will help with my mental health, and also give me an avenue to socialise more with like-minded people.

The Royal British Legion are far better and far more effective than I ever gave them credit for, and I only wish I'd approached them years ago.

Good for you mate. Sending more positive energy your way xx

Not doing well this morning. Heavy feeling in my chest and my hands are shaky. Having to consciously control my breathing as well. Just trying to stay calm.

Zilnad wrote:Not doing well this morning. Heavy feeling in my chest and my hands are shaky. Having to consciously control my breathing as well. Just trying to stay calm.

Keep on trying, we are here if you need to vent.