Depression, Anxiety, or other Mental Health Conditions

Sounds like a great course Outrunner. I was reading a while ago about a course called Japanese Studies at SOAS, I wish I'd done that at university - it sounds perfect for me. Oh well

As for your dilemma, it sounds like you've made a good move with contacting the university and checking your options. But what I'd say is, don't be too intimidated with the Japanese. I'm by no means 'good' at Japanese - I have enough to get by over there on holiday and that's about it - but I found learning hiragana and katakana one of the easier bits, and there are some good apps and such out there to help with revision and testing. Also, it's different when you want to learn a language and have an interest in it, compared to when you're forced to learn a langauage that you often have no real interest in (i.e. at school).

Given you've been to Japan plenty of times, you'll be familiar with a lot of words, sounds, and concepts, so that will help too. It sounds like a great opportunity, and I'd say go for it!

Bloods came back normal so while it’s great it’s not my tumour playing up, I’m now faced with the grim reality that it is stress, and headed for depression.

Bunni wrote:Bloods came back normal so while it’s great it’s not my tumour playing up, I’m now faced with the grim reality that it is stress, and headed for depression.

The hoops you've been having to jump through recently certainly can't be helping. When all that is over, take it as easy as you can for a bit, for strawberry float's sake.

File this one under anxiety:

I've been having really bad upper body aches and pains in my stomache, back and chest for going on 4 weeks now, which had got so bad that I was awake most of the night last weekend nearly in tears with what felt like a heart attack. It comes and goes but I'm in some sort of discomfort at all times, but I can curb most of it with ibuprofen I've had a phone consultation with my doctor (i had to register, wait and so on). He's got me going in for a blood test tomorrow to start off seeing what the hell it could be becuase it doesn't, match anything specific. Just quietly bricking it that it may turn up something like cancer.

That sounds worse than anything I've experienced myself but I have had plenty of anxiety related chest pains in the past that have made me think "heart attack".

Hopefully the blood test will come back with good news and I hope your pain eases off.

@Victor: You're doing the right thing getting it checked out. That kind of pain can be brought on by anxiety/stress, and also by altering your activity level (e.g. posture and muscle tone changing during lockdown). But it's well worth having a doctor take a look just in case, and you'll be in good hands now having that blood test, so try to trust them & put it out of your mind (easier said than done I know!).

Cheers guys, I just had a full blown "oh strawberry float what if I don't wake up what have I done". I just want to know what's going on (obviously) and if it's ever going to stop.

Just had my Sertraline prescription renewed for another 4 weeks at the same dosage (50mg).
After the first week of taking it I've absolutely noticed an improvement (and my family have noticed as well) though I'm still not quite 'normal'. I do think I'm still improving though, so will see how things go over the next 4 weeks of medication and ongoing CBT.

Victor Mildew wrote:Cheers guys, I just had a full blown "oh strawberry float what if I don't wake up what have I done". I just want to know what's going on (obviously) and if it's ever going to stop.

Have you just gone back to office?

My partner's been really struggling and needed a bit of extra emotional support, putting to bed, talking etc because that's hit her really hard after WFH for months. This is physically as well. Completely and utterly drained, sleeping by 8pm etc. She said she felt like crap.

Green Gecko wrote:

Victor Mildew wrote:Cheers guys, I just had a full blown "oh strawberry float what if I don't wake up what have I done". I just want to know what's going on (obviously) and if it's ever going to stop.

Have you just gone back to office?

My partner's been really struggling and needed a bit of extra emotional support, putting to bed, talking etc because that's hit her really hard after WFH for months. This is physically as well. Completely and utterly drained, sleeping by 8pm etc. She said she felt like crap.

No I'm still working from home. It's still aching on and off, I've managed to not take anything for it through the day but I had to take a few tablets before bed last night because i was really uncomfortable and I wouldn't have been able to sleep. Had the blood test yesterday so ill probably ring them Friday morning to see if there's an update (doctor said it would be 24/48hrs).

OK well, I hope you feel better soon. I hate sleep disruption. Actually I woke up at about 5am this morning but just about managed to get through the horrible restless legs I wake up with as a consequence.

Need to get to work because add "GR time" and my day is pretty much already gone

Cheers. At least if I die I can go happy knowing I've brought joy to the world

Everything's a bit gooseberry fool really, isn't it?

On the one hand, I've got a job I enjoy which I have been lucky enough to continue to do while working from home which is something a vast number of people don't have, I live in my own house, have the time and space to engage in hobbies and i'm getting married soon to a wonderful woman, but its hard to stay positive when everything else is going to absolute gooseberry fool. The world is increasingly literally on fire, ice caps melting, politicians openly lie and act like shitlords, laughing all the way to the bank and despite the clear obviousness of their shittiness, never seem to get their comeuppance. A global pandemic shows no signs of going away, further propelled on by individual stupidity, the aforementioned shitlords for various reasons and the increasing tide of medieval-like superstition and fear through bizarre and utterly horrific conspiracy gooseberry fool bursting into the mainstream.

I've been keeping myself in escapist activities like warhammer, videogames, TV series etc but that can only bring the blissful wool over my eyes for so long before being wrenched back to reality by the real-time horror show of any news broadcast/article. Hearing about all this stuff day after day makes me hope for an asteroid to come down and finish us off because at this point that's probably the best option.

amen brother

Yeah, I feel that exact anxiety. You get caught in a constant fight-or-flight response you can't do anything about, because you can see the danger coming but there is obviously no way you as an individual person can avoid or change it.

Trelliz wrote:Everything's a bit gooseberry fool really, isn't it?

On the one hand, I've got a job I enjoy which I have been lucky enough to continue to do while working from home which is something a vast number of people don't have, I live in my own house, have the time and space to engage in hobbies and i'm getting married soon to a wonderful woman, but its hard to stay positive when everything else is going to absolute gooseberry fool. The world is increasingly literally on fire, ice caps melting, politicians openly lie and act like shitlords, laughing all the way to the bank and despite the clear obviousness of their shittiness, never seem to get their comeuppance. A global pandemic shows no signs of going away, further propelled on by individual stupidity, the aforementioned shitlords for various reasons and the increasing tide of medieval-like superstition and fear through bizarre and utterly horrific conspiracy gooseberry fool bursting into the mainstream.

I've been keeping myself in escapist activities like warhammer, videogames, TV series etc but that can only bring the blissful wool over my eyes for so long before being wrenched back to reality by the real-time horror show of any news broadcast/article. Hearing about all this stuff day after day makes me hope for an asteroid to come down and finish us off because at this point that's probably the best option.

Well at least your fiancee is hot. Me I just wank.

I feel odd tonight.

I've been going through somewhat of a mental state transmission these past few months, hell maybe past few years. I still don't know really if I'm doing the right thing or heading in the right direction. I think my issue is, I have lots of friendships, lots of quite close friends at times. But I don't have that deep connection with anyone, and I crave it so much. And don't know if I'm emotionally mature enough though. If I look at the people I've become closest too in the recent past. One was a mental case. The other I fell for too hard & both blew up in my face.
The former was for the best, and it taught me a lesson that it's OK to be disliked and I don't need to fix everything.
But the latter, although it wasn't the perfect friendship my mind says it was, it was still something very important and special to me, and I've lost it now. And it hurts. Thing is, I know its the right thing to do, to distance myself and not get in touch, as our friendship continuing the way it was, would just bring more pain, but my mind keeps firing doubt. I seem to put all my eggs in one basket with people, and then i expect the same back, which obviously isn't reasonable, in fact its selfish to think they want the same intense relationship/friendship I do.

My issue is as well, I generally get along better with women. I have maybe 2 close male friends, but many female. But then the feels get mixed and I get lost in the thoughts again. I overthink and react to everyone of their actions, and sometimes take things personally when they aren't.

I always thought I was a good person who cared about everyone, but i'm starting to doubt that. I wonder if it was more, I'm being a good person, who is actually selfish and wants to be liked by everyone. And we all know wanting to be liked by everyone is different to doing the right thing.

I find myself texting away to friends about my issues, and eventually they get fed up and tell me to talk to a therapist (not all of them, but they say having someone to talk to is good) but then I have done, I've spoken to a GP and a telephone therapist, and they all say they same thing to me, it seems like your're on the right path, keep doing what you're doing.

But I'm not sure I am. I meet people, I become friends with people, I put them high on a pedestal, and then I become offended or hurt when they do something that doesn't include me, or want to spend time with someone else, or prioritise something dumb like the gym over our friendship. But of course I understand that these people need that too, the world doesn't revolve around me and a friendship should be easy and beneficial not hard work. But then I fall for people too easily as well. I end up idolising them and becoming something different to the happy care-free person I come across as when my mood is high. So how can I still be this self centred person when I understand what it is I'm doing wrong?

I mean, my friend right now, all I think about is how she played me, how she shouldn't have leaned on me so much when she had a complicated situation with her boyfriend, how it was unfair she pretty much asked me to sleep with her one night and then the next week did a u-turn because her boyfriend promised to take her sailing. Yes maybe she wasn't in the right all the time. But that's not the point. I have all this self-righteousness and blame inside of me, this belief im the one who's being good, i'm the one who's being dubbed, i'm the one who's unlucky, i'm the one who deserves happiness but always ends up being hurt.
I know that's not true, there is a reason I'm the one these scenarios happens to, and it's because I'm delusional. I'm no nicer or more caring than other people, its just my trick to get people to like me, then the more they get to know me they see me for the selfish person I can really be.

I don't know right now. I'm getting there, I'm focusing on me. I'm trying to not worry about her, or get back in touch, I'm trying to say to myself it's OK to leave a bridge burnt. But all I want to do is get in touch, mull things over, apologise, make a pointless friendship work. When I know fixing it, would be a selfish approach to actually make myself feel better, under the caveat of me thinking it would improve her life if I apologised and made her feel good about myself.

I think my main issue is, I am so far behind so many other people my age emotionally. I see all these people in long term relationships, or buying houses together, getting married, having amazing holidays and all the rest. And I just want that so much. It's all I've convinced myself I've ever wanted.

But also, I realise that it's not the case at all. My life is different to other peoples, and many many others would look at mine and want exactly that. And comparing yourself to others is foolishness in itself, but you still do it.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I just needed to type. Ideally what I really need is some sort of therapist or person who understands my situation who I can just type gooseberry fool to all the time. Obviously there's this forum. But you don't give all the info for the fact it TL;dr and the fact you're spilling too much of your life out onto a public domain.

I am making progress I know I am, I'm learning gooseberry fool about myself I know I am, but god why do I feel so far behind and when will this gooseberry fool I'm thinking im learning actually click into place and practise.

Remember that outwardly, most people's relationships and friendships will seem amazing and at an almost unattainable level. I of the been envious of people that have friendship groups that do a lot (I pretty much have no friends beyond the people I know from school, and I never see them), but then do I want to be living in someone else's pocket in my spare time just for THE BANTZ? You're going to get pissed off and want your own space eventually.

Same goes for relationships, they're going to look amazing. I doubt you'd get many people going, "Morning Facebook! Me and the hubby had a row over who was occupying what space in the kitchen, he muttered something under his breath so now I'm not talking to the banana split and he's been texting someone all day! Xxx".

----

I just got my blood test results, absolutely nothing wrong, which is a huge weight off my mind. I'd still like to know why I still feel like this though, it's been over a month now.

Curls wrote:I meet people, I become friends with people, I put them high on a pedestal, and then I become offended or hurt when they do something that doesn't include me, or want to spend time with someone else, or prioritise something dumb like the gym over our friendship. But of course I understand that these people need that too, the world doesn't revolve around me and a friendship should be easy and beneficial not hard work. But then I fall for people too easily as well. I end up idolising them and becoming something different to the happy care-free person I come across as when my mood is high. So how can I still be this self centred person when I understand what it is I'm doing wrong?

I was like this for a long time. I didn't have any self-confidence and relied on other people to feel like my life was worthwhile - so my emotions would swing from elation (when I felt accepted / needed) to anger and despair (when people understandably wanted to do their own thing for a bit...!).

I thought that having a relationship would help. In my mind, it was like the ultimate reason to live - someone would love me, finally! In reality it wouldn't have helped - I didn't have a realistic idea of what a relationship should be. And in any case that mindset is unattractive and actually stops you from forming romantic connections with people.

Things got better for me over time as I grew as a person and worked on myself. The first step to improving myself was realising the problems I had, just like you have. The second step was working on the underlying causes - I had to get help with depression, and as part of that learn to genuine value myself as a person independently of what other people in my life thought. The third step that helped me was getting a bit of a fresh start with a new group of people so I wasn't engaging in / reminded of friendships that had (my fault) toxic patterns - for me that was moving to a different part of the country but it could just as easily be a couple of new hobbies or something.

For what it's worth, I managed to salvage a few of the old friendships but not all of them. But it's OK! Letting go of friendships that have run their course is part of life and doesn't have to be upsetting.

Curls wrote:I always thought I was a good person who cared about everyone, but i'm starting to doubt that. I wonder if it was more, I'm being a good person, who is actually selfish and wants to be liked by everyone. And we all know wanting to be liked by everyone is different to doing the right thing. [...] There is a reason I'm the one these scenarios happens to, and it's because I'm delusional. I'm no nicer or more caring than other people, its just my trick to get people to like me, then the more they get to know me they see me for the selfish person I can really be.

I think you are jumping between extremes here. You're trying to come to terms with the fact that you aren't perfect, so you're like, starting to see yourself as this selfish demon going around lying and tricking people instead.

You're just a person, with good points and flaws. That's what everyone is like. No-one's perfect - you don't have to screw yourself up and throw yourself in the bin. You can be proud of the good bits, but work on improving the bad bits and being the best person you can be, you know?

Thanks for the responses, I feel a bit better tonight. The underlying causes hey? I'm not sure, I've always been like this. Never really valued myself. I'm working at that, I really am. One thing I'm seriously trying not to do anymore is text people when emotionally compromised, it's damaged far to many friendships. I think in future I'll have to call them, or go and visit them if they're nearby.