Hey guess what I'm a massive alcoholic

Johnny Ryall wrote:All the best mate. I wouldn't say I've ever been an alcoholic (contrary to my drunk posts on here before at 2am on a Saturday night) but I've definitely stood on the precipice of falling into that hole. You know the typical buy a bottle of wine on the way home from a bad day at work kind of thing. Not done that in years now though. Still got loads of alcohol from Christmas sealed.

Foam party Craig (mid-00s?) was amazing.

Drumstick wrote:

Johnny Ryall wrote:All the best mate. I wouldn't say I've ever been an alcoholic (contrary to my drunk posts on here before at 2am on a Saturday night) but I've definitely stood on the precipice of falling into that hole. You know the typical buy a bottle of wine on the way home from a bad day at work kind of thing. Not done that in years now though. Still got loads of alcohol from Christmas sealed.

Foam party Craig (mid-00s?) was amazing.

Funnily enough I’ve never been to a foam party but I think you’re referencing that time from like 2010-2015ish where I’d go out clubbing every Saturday night. Can’t imagine anything worse now, Covid or no Covid.

Johnny Ryall wrote:

Drumstick wrote:

Johnny Ryall wrote:All the best mate. I wouldn't say I've ever been an alcoholic (contrary to my drunk posts on here before at 2am on a Saturday night) but I've definitely stood on the precipice of falling into that hole. You know the typical buy a bottle of wine on the way home from a bad day at work kind of thing. Not done that in years now though. Still got loads of alcohol from Christmas sealed.

Foam party Craig (mid-00s?) was amazing.

Funnily enough I’ve never been to a foam party but I think you’re referencing that time from like 2010-2015ish where I’d go out clubbing every Saturday night. Can’t imagine anything worse now, Covid or no Covid.

My memory is particularly questionable today, it would appear.

But yes, that was a glorious period of time. Party party party.

Good luck Skarjo, I too will be rooting for you.

Thank you guys, I really appreciate all the messages of support. Particularly from Igor and Vic and others who shared really personal stuff. No thanks to Qikz though who seems to think we never talk when he's one of my favourite members ( )

Two days sober now, and last night I went to my first AA meeting. Although the opening of the session is very God-bothery it's not too bad once in the actual session. It was quite nice to be able to talk without holding anything back, and it was a wide variety of people in attendance. Some had only been sober a week or so (no idea whether that was first time attempting sobriety or since a relapse but that's their business), some had been sober for years. Some just drank too much on nights out and found it difficult to stop once they got home, others had lost jobs and families and more from their drinking. It was really good to be able to talk about the things I was most ashamed of and just smiling knowing nods in return rather than 'holy strawberry floating gooseberry fool dude how did you let that happen?'

It's quite intense though, with lots of, if not pressure then 'suggestions' to join multiple sessions a week which I don't think I could face. It was genuinely helpful but emotionally draining, can't imagine doing it every day and still having any energy for literally anything else. But who knows, it's good to know its there.

Physically it's not been too difficult to not have a drink. Having got rid of the booze in the house it's been relatively easy to resist the urge to buy more, but sleeping is wrecked. Can barely manage more than an hour or so at a time and have incredibly vivid dreams when I can catch a few. Ironically though, even with a night's sleep as gooseberry fool as that I still wake up feeling better than I normally would. So looking forward to things being even better in the near future.

Glad to hear you've started relatively well man, lack of sleep aside.

I remember when I ditched cigarettes after 20 years of smoking. The dreams were scary vivid for a good few days while all the nicotine left my body and my brain chemistry adjusted. So I can empathise with that at least.

It's not the same as your problem obviously, but I tried to look at each day without them as a little victory and that helped. First it was one day, then it was two, then it was a week, then a month, then six months, a year and so on.
It's been three years, two months and 13 days since I quit and I still struggle with it from time to time. I miss it. Especially when I have a drink.

One thing I always noticed is that people who have never had an addiction often can't understand why a person would continue something that is addictive. They think that if they explain what you're doing to yourself and point out why you'll be better off, that you'll see reason and have a lightbulb moment and that's it. But addiction isn't logical, it doesn't make sense. The number of times my Dad would give me grief saying they'd kill me, or they were too expensive, and I knew he was right. Nothing he said was news to me. But I still did it. Because I wasn't ready and no amount of preaching at me was going to change my mind. Someone can only properly fight that addiction and get through it when they make that decision for themselves and mean it.

I lost track of the number of times I would go "no more cigarettes", then go straight out the next day and get a new packet, because I knew I didn't really mean it. I sold so many DVDs and games when I was younger and needed money to buy smokes. I tried to quit at least once a year, using patches as well but it never stuck more than a week or two at most. The final straw for me was when I caught whooping cough off my stepson. I would have these horrendous coughing fits where I legitimately couldn't catch my breath, mixed with this awful gasping feeling. Despite that I was still smoking. Eventually that was what finally made the decision stick. I remember the exact day, going up to the only other guy on my team who smoked and giving him an almost completely full packet of cigarettes and telling him he could have them and that I was done.

It was really weird too because beyond being an irritable bastard the next day, that was it. I never got the withdrawal symptoms I'd felt before (Beyond the dreams) and I never got the cravings. It was like my body and mind had just agreed that it was time to make it stick, and so far it has.

Like I said I do catch myself missing them from time to time. If I'm watching a movie and people are smoking I just catch myself thinking how nice it would be to have one. Or I'll find myself staring longingly at the kiosk when I'm at the supermarket.

All of this is to say take your wins where you can get them. Counting the days I found was a great example of little victories and really helped. Don't be discouraged if you falter. You're only human and as long as you know there are people who support you, you can always try again.

So again, good luck man. It'll be tough but you'll find that it's totally worth it in the end.

Good luck with it Skarjo, I haven't been addicted to something before myself, but addiction runs in my family so I've seen how hard it is to give something addictive up. I have family members who can't quit smoking, even with multiple attempts to, but lack the willpower to give up for good, and another who has got issues with alcohol but they just refuse to admit it whatsoever. You can do it! It sounds like you're off to a good start!

Good luck with it Skarjo, my uncle was an alcoholic, managed to stay sober for the last 25 years of his life. From seeing him go through it the important thing seemed to be to find reasons to not do your old habits, so for him he always drove somewhere, when he had the car he couldnt drink but it meant he could still play golf and have a cup of tea in the pub after. But it was literally one cup and then hed hit the road, he also got way into attending live sport, particularly hurling, even attending games between local amateur teams in the neighbouring counties, again it was a way to be social but have the car so he had the exucse to leave. Obviously not saying you need to get way into golf or become everyones designated driver but finding the way that works for you is the biggest challenge from what I can tell, that and knowing when youre in danger of relapsing and asking for help. But stick with it man, one day a time, youll get through it.

How are you getting on Skarjo? Hope you're alright.

Keep 'er lit Skarjo!

Hi Guys, I made this post two weeks ago and it feels like a lifetime. Not everything I'm gonna say is positive, and I didn't manage to stay sober, but I'm gonna give you an update because of anyone reading this who thinks they may have an issue, but especially for those who shared really personal experiences of being on the receiving end of what I'm going through.

First, withdrawal. I was putting away a bottle of whisky a day and I knew that withdrawal could kill me. Alcohol is a banana split like that, it's one of the most socially acceptable drugs and is also one of the only ones that stopping suddenly and entirely will kill you. This is only my personal experience, and if you're worried about quitting then talk to a doctor first (just like I didn't), but I didn't have many drastic physical reactions to stopping. I had the shakes, and I couldn't sleep for the first three days (I got an hour here or there but nothing approaching a good night), but after 72 hours I felt alright.

I then had a week of feeling spiritually fulfilled strawberry floating BORED. Nothing hits the sides like it does when you're half cut. I just had to be there, in the moment, all the time. Songs don't have that extra edge that tickles you. Movies, games, jokes, anything that would normally give you a tickle will die in your ears and you'll have to pretend to care. Other people listing their inane strawberry floating issues will BORE. THE. gooseberry fool. OUT. OF. YOU.

But you'll get a week in and things will improve. I was sleeping better, I was waking up knowing I didn't have to apologise for my actions the night before. I could just get on with the day.

Here is where I'll talk about my experience with Alcoholics Anonymous. The first couple of meetings I went to were good. It was really nice to be in a room where every gooseberry fool way I'd hid how I was struggling wasn't news. It wasn't even novel. It was met with knowing nods, even when I was talking about how no bottle of whisky in my drinks cabinet contained the original whisky. My missus watched me pour away what should have been a three hundred quid bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue. She told me me that maybe I should give it to one of my whisky drinking mates, and I would have had it not, a long time ago, become Johnnie Walker Black in a Blue bottle.

So that part was good. The support, understanding and camaraderie I felt in that room was, and is, second to none. If you walk into that room, you will have nothing but support. I mean that seriously and without reservation. For anyone wondering what it's like to walk into an AA meeting, you will receive nothing but genuine, legitimate love, support and understanding. You could burst into tears and no one will care. You can share the darkest things that ever happened to you and no one will judge. I'm not going to go into details for obvious reasons, but someone shared the reason they drank and it was seven shades of madness beyond anything my spoiled cis-white-boi nonsense could use to pour a whisky and there was absolutely no comment beyond pure support. After the meeting, when I usually have a cigarette or five, this person saw me waiting for my Uber, and saw me and just stood next to me and had a smoke. All they said was 'good to say it out loud', and I just agreed. Who you are in fight club AA is not who you are when you leave.

But, I can't get on with their 12 steps. Step 1+2 are fine. But, not sure if it's ever been brought up here, but I don't believe in God. And I had a real problem with the mantra that 'I do not have any control over myself'. I do. And I went to a meeting where person after person just described how AA had brought them to a personal relationship with God. And seriously of the 12 steps like 8 of them require you to bend the knee before 'some higher power'. Some of the more sophisticated alumni of AA will tell you that the higher power could be 'the door knob to this meeting' but when it gets down to brass tacks be in no doubt they want you to sing the gospel.

So I hit yesterday. It's a well known danger point. Two (ish) weeks sober. Invited to a works do that was free flow. I didn't drink for the first two hours, but I was feeling good, not stressed, and having everyone (who doesn't know this side of me) wondering why I was wasn't drinking. By the way, when someone says 'I don't drink' or 'Nah I'm not drinking today' just strawberry float off and let them be. So I was hit with 'why are you not drinking', 'one won't hurt', 'you're being a buzzkill', 'mate you're fine'. So I'd paid thirty five quid for free flow booze and eventually the northern boi in me gave in and had three glasses of wine.

Let me tell you.

The wine, the drink, the whatever doesn't matter.

The crushing feel of shame, guilt and failure does.

I strawberry floated up. I'd tried. And I didn't make it.

And in for a penny? In for a pound.

I bought what represents about a third of a bottle of whisky and mixed it with a bottle of Gatorade. Got home from a casual works drinks pissed as a strawberry floating fart. Came home, got in a fight with the missus because that would force her away and I could carry on. At 2am, still couldn't sleep so went out, bought two more bottle of Soju, downed one, tried to down the second so I could sleep but vommed it all over the pavement instead.

I'm not asking for sympathy, and I am absolutely not denigrating the genuine experiences of the people in this thread who've been on the receiving end of dealing with a twat like me. But strawberry floating hell it would have been so easy to just open my window last night and not be here.

Hey Skarjo, if you're feeling ready to try again please give SMART recovery a go:

Tomous wrote:I know you've said you've got an AA meeting tomorrow but can I recommend an international organisation called SMART, at http://www.smartrecovery.org that I've used? They have online sessions (audio only not video) where they go through various coping techniques and discuss personal experiences. It's really easy to get into because there is no expectation to speak and they're quite happy for people just to listen.

It's a much better approach than AA and has more relatable coping mechanisms if you're not religious.

It was never going to be easy to give up and absolutely nobody here is going to judge you for anything mate. You have to find what works for you, and that isn't necessarily going to be what works for other people. The fact that you're still trying is what matters. What you managed was still an amazing accomplishment and I'm sure I can say that we'll all fully support you continuing to make this change when you feel that you're ready. You tried and didn't make it this time, that doesn't mean that you can't ever make it.

I have heard before that AA ends up being a surprisingly religious group (To the point that it was even lampooned on South Park) but, like I said, what matters is finding the methods that work for you. I would echo Tomous post about trying other organisations. Alcoholics Anonymous often tends to be the go to just because it's one that everyone knows of, but it doesn't have to be them or nothing.

Skarj, I've not been through this myself, but I can't imagine how difficult this is.

Don't beat yourself up too much mate, there was always going to be challenges.

One thing I'd probably say is to steer clear of that particular friend group. Like, proper cold turkey style, cut yourself off from them. Sounds like you wouldn't have had a stumble if you weren't pushed.

Maybe replace going out socialising with something else, like Twitch stream yourself while you're doing your writing or something like that (if you still write these days?).
Just casual, hanging out chatting sort of stuff. A bit like Devlins stream when he built the Lego Ecto and we all chat gooseberry fool and then watch classic GamesMaster. I'm sure you'd get a hell of a lot of us tuning in for you

We love you lots dude, don't let the fall be a defeat

You didn't fail mate, you succeeded at going sober for near enough two weeks. Think of how much you would have drunk in that time and didn't!

I think there is definitely something in the theory about 'replacing' it with something else. There are lots of stories and blogs about former alcoholics who took up fishing in a big way or became an enthusiast on a subject they wanted to explore, etc. One guy took up skydiving and did it almost every weekend, became a major member of a skydiving club.

Cutting something out suddenly which has been a major part of who you are is going to leave a massive empty space which will need to be filled.

Thanks for sharing Skarj. I think you did amazingly well. Relapsing isn't failing in my opinion, just another step on your journey of sobriety.

Lewis' suggestion of streaming is a great idea. I'd watch you be gooseberry fool at games - I also took it up to replace unhealthy habit myself. Really hear you around how boring it is being sober (initially!).

Mate honestly, you sharing is a help to me, as I can see myself taking this same journey. I absolutly get what you are going through. No shame in falling, pick yourself up again and start again, and I don't say that lightly.

Skarjo, you have my unconditional support. Love you bro .

Look, I know this might not be a popular decision, or the right time, but I do think he's been well suss in the AYAW thread.

I get that this feels a bit wrong from a timing perspective, but if we are gonna send a team into the mysterious cave, we need to start making difficult decisions.

honestly think we need to lynch him tonight. #Sorrynotsorry