I had a relationship once where I was constantly walking on eggshells the whole time and worrying about doing the wrong thing and set her off.
In retrospect, and since learning about it, I'm sure she had misophonia which didn't help but apart from that there seemed to be this very real belief that everything she did was right, and even if it was wrong there was perfectly valid reasons for her being wrong or even better, it was my fault she'd done the wrong thing....and whenever I did something wrong it was because I was literally worse than Hitler and should have this explained to me through screaming. It's no way to live.
Most of the people at work seem to be in that situation and just accept it as "well that's how it is".
They can't get the idea it would be anything else so when I'm like "yeah went to the pub" or "wife is off to a family thing, didn't want to go so am playing xbox," they are confused and think the wife is some special saint.
We argue like but it shouldn't be your fault and crap you should be able to do your thing and then theirs and it hit a sort of balance.
Gently-Parted Ringpiece wrote:Yeah but the problem is if you say apropos of nothing you tried hard she'll be like, yes as you should. If you say you tried hard when she is already complaining it's, you obviously didn't try enough. She is a snowball rager so it's best to let her burn out and pick it up later.
Falsey all this sounds like me circa 6 years ago. After getting out and several months of therapy i came to identify it as a straight-up abusive relationship, several times during which i genuinely contemplated just getting on a train and not coming back. I took all the blame for everything and to this day, over half a decade later still have pretty low self-worth from time to time; not doing things "the right way" and second guessing myself all the time as a result. I'm not saying broom her, but as someone with similar experience it can be hard to see where things are at the time.
My ex was a snowball rager and i came to recognise her as a petulant child in an adults body crossed with a totally unreasonable bitch. My most profound memory is her yelling at me for what seemed like ages because i couldn't find the tv remote, or getting annoyed that i hadn't told her that i couldn't find something, despite the fact that doing so would have detracted from actually looking. Of course if whatever it was was misplaced because of her it was no issue.
I almost booked a doctors appointment because i had convinced myself i had add or a hearing problem, when actually i had essentially emotionally and cognitively shut down as a defence mechanism, knowing that whatever answer or reason wouldn't be good enough.
Actually strawberry float what i said earlier, get the strawberry float out.
I had something similar, a horrendous relationship that I'm still dealing with 4 years later. In some ways it's worse now than it was then and there is a lot of effort, guilt and embarrassment in hiding things from my current girlfriend, family and friends.
All breakups are tough but nobody is worth putting yourself through mental torture every day.
I should probably clarify a few things. My bird is a very lovely person 95% of the time. She has this habit of storing every worry and concern and stress up until she becomes this insane wreck for a week or two, blows up at me constantly, realises what shes done, apologises and resets. Im obviously not a saint, either, but I think I do try. She isnt the kind of hair trigger where losing the remote is going to put me close to death, and she isnt really a huge shouter. She just tells me to strawberry float off and sort my life out a lot.
I was speaking to her last night and I said I dont want to be on eggshells in my own house and she said she knows and feels like she is on eggshells too because she is trying not to trigger herself. She has health problems (kidneys) which make her ill from time to time and she says she has been sick for a few weeks now, so I just insisted she gets herself to the doctors to get it sorted. She has this aversion to anything prescribed by the doctors because 'it makes her feel worse' but is usually happy to self medicate with stuff she gets herself, so that battle is to come Im sure.
Im not going to walk away from her because she is an angry maniac, Id rather she just tried to drop the angry bit and keep hold of 50% of the maniac part. Also she has a really good arse.
(If she is reading this I love you please dont kill me in my sleep)
Dont know if its worth saying, but she has come from a history of either controlling or violent (or both) relationships so shes developed this defensive stance to a lot of things which is a lot of the reason I think she loses it. She gets in first before something can happen to her and just looks over at me standing there like ¯\(°_°)/¯ and realises what shes done, by that point of course you are committed so have to finish the gripe before apologising.
I too am probably going to propose to my girlfriend this year. (Forumites I know IRL please don't mention anything in person whether she's around or not, or to other people, can't be too careful.)
I'm not going to get a diamond ring because strawberry float that for so many reasons. Anyone else have experience doing something similar? I'll probably plunge the money into a kickass honeymoon instead, but wondering what to do for a ring to maintain maximum romanticness.
Synthetic diamonds are cheaper if you wanna go the 'no slaves' option, or mossanite has the sparkle and shine of a diamond. Otherwise try a gemstone of her favourite colour. We've picked Morganite because my hair is pink and I don't care for diamonds anyway. It's much cheaper meaning like you, the money can get funnelled into a holiday.