Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(

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Jenu-All I Want For Christmas
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Jenu-All I Want For Christmas » Tue Nov 19, 2019 10:56 am

For the reasons that have already been posted by others you were being a low to moderate level asshole, but I can appreciate the rationale behind why you were enquiring in the way that you were.

It's amazing how often in relationships actions which have the best intentions can end up exacerbating things - particularly as Karl points out if both parties are operating somewhat below par at that point in time!

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Rudolphin » Tue Nov 19, 2019 11:03 am

Karl_ wrote:Hey Taf, I don't mean this in the wrong way at all, it's just an honest observation.

The only time I really argue a little bit with my partner is when we're both feeling low or frustrated at something. It usually goes like this:
ONE OF US: [is a bit prickly]
THE OTHER: [wrapped up in their own feelings] Ouch, that was a bit hurtful.
ONE OF US: Ugh, I'm already here upset, now I've got to pretend I'm OK to worry about you?

Step one doesn't happen if we're both fine, and step two doesn't happen if there is one fine one who is able to do the emotional labour to be particularly considerate, but if we're both not doing OK then we do tend to fall into that trap sometimes.

If your girlfriend's just been diagnosed with depression, now might not be the best time to do anything that she perceives as her "having to take your feelings into account". If it's her first time on them she's going to be very worried, and if she's going back to them then she might feel quite frustrated deep down, and that's on top of the depression itself which does compromise you emotionally.

I think the best thing you can do is be as cheerful and positive in yourself as possible (I'm aware you have your own mental health stuff and this could be difficult, but she'll appreciate the effort), try to be confident and decisive about things that only involve you (or that she says she might like to defer to you), and at the same time try not to overtly treat her too differently (it's very important a depressed person not feel like a burden).


This is pretty bang on I think.

Neither of us are in good emotional places at the moment. We both deal with our issues in very different ways: she bottles everything up, I vocalise everything. This has led to an unbalanced level of emotional burden on her for sure. It's not why she's taking these new pills (or so I'm told, there are complicated and long standing family issues that are driving that condition) but because of the different ways we deal with these things she feels burdened and I feel guilty whenever I talk about my feelings.

This morning was an odd one as we were both fairly chipper. But I regret pushing the fact I was offended. I should have bowed to the context. I'm not sure why I didn't and I feel bad about it.

In terms of me treating her differently, that's good advice. I wasn't planning on being softly softly, but I'm often a bit full on with my affections and wanted to avoid the needling we sometimes engage in (consensually I must add). Like I say, I'm just going to give her her space today.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Wedgie » Tue Nov 19, 2019 11:17 am

Tag I don’t think you have to worry about the side effects kicking in at this point as it would have hardly any effect at the start.

It usually take a few days before effects of the side effects start to kick in.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Knoydolig Llawen » Tue Nov 19, 2019 11:28 am

As far as I'm aware, in France lunchtime is basically synonymous with 12 noon, so she probably thought that was specific enough.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Rudolphin » Tue Nov 19, 2019 11:35 am

Knoyleo wrote:As far as I'm aware, in France lunchtime is basically synonymous with 12 noon, so she probably thought that was specific enough.


It wasn't the specificity really, it was a casual request for her to just say "Ok, it's done!" or something like that. I meant it as a way to show I wanted to accommodate her, she took it as me wanting her to do the work of reminding in place of me putting in any effort.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Partridge Iciclebubbles » Tue Nov 19, 2019 11:50 am

Knoyleo wrote:As far as I'm aware, in France lunchtime is basically synonymous with 12 noon, so she probably thought that was specific enough.


[farage]haha in France lunchtime starts at 10am on a Monday and they then take the rest of the week off and expect the British to pay for it![/farage]

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Jenu-All I Want For Christmas » Tue Nov 19, 2019 12:01 pm

Do you both work from home Taf? I believe you've said that recently you've been doing freelance stuff which I assume has you working from home?

Just curious as to whether you were actually going to be around one another at "lunch time" as that impacts the situation in a couple of way. If you are together then surely you'll see her at lunch time and therefore know when she has taken the medicine - therefore why would you need to ask for a time? Alternatively if you aren't both at home then surely it doesn't matter specifically when she takes them - just assume that the next time you see her after lunch that she has taken them. :D

That isn't meant to be an accusatory comment/question by the way - I can guarantee that in this situation I would almost certainly have made the same misstep as you did! Goodness knows I've done similar stuff enough in the past!

Similarly on that point if you are both working from home then presumably that would lead to you being around one another quite a lot each day which might be adding to any particular "prickliness" in your interactions - I don't know many couples who don't eventually wind one another up when in the sort of setup that doesn't allow each to have a bit more personal space for a certain amount of each day!

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Rudolphin » Tue Nov 19, 2019 1:15 pm

Jenuall wrote:Do you both work from home Taf? I believe you've said that recently you've been doing freelance stuff which I assume has you working from home?

Just curious as to whether you were actually going to be around one another at "lunch time" as that impacts the situation in a couple of way. If you are together then surely you'll see her at lunch time and therefore know when she has taken the medicine - therefore why would you need to ask for a time? Alternatively if you aren't both at home then surely it doesn't matter specifically when she takes them - just assume that the next time you see her after lunch that she has taken them. :D

That isn't meant to be an accusatory comment/question by the way - I can guarantee that in this situation I would almost certainly have made the same misstep as you did! Goodness knows I've done similar stuff enough in the past!

Similarly on that point if you are both working from home then presumably that would lead to you being around one another quite a lot each day which might be adding to any particular "prickliness" in your interactions - I don't know many couples who don't eventually wind one another up when in the sort of setup that doesn't allow each to have a bit more personal space for a certain amount of each day!


We both work from home yeah. And it's definitely affected our relationship. And yeah, in hindsight it was overkill to ask her to tell me when she was taking it. I would have seen her take it, and no doubt she would have pointed it out anyway. Like I say, it was an attempt to externalise my concern for her.

Obviously I didn't think through how it might have been interpreted.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Bethlehemster » Wed Nov 20, 2019 5:47 pm

I'd just give her some space but show her you care with the small gestures or kindnesses that are particular to you two. I think all you're guilty of is perhaps trying to hard to do that in the first place with the focus on the exact time.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Rocking Around the Mini E » Wed Nov 27, 2019 7:06 pm

So as of Sunday evening, my 8 1/2 year relationship and 1 1/2 year marriage is over :| All very amicable but pretty strawberry floating grim. Not the best week, this. Have felt physically sick ever since, lost appetite completely, and hadn't eaten since Sunday lunch-time until a couple of hours ago, and now my body is trying to vomit the sandwich I did make myself eat out of surprise. Meh.

Quick, to Grcade etc etc.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by False » Wed Nov 27, 2019 7:09 pm

sorry bro

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Saigon Slick » Wed Nov 27, 2019 8:00 pm

Mini E wrote:So as of Sunday evening, my 8 1/2 year relationship and 1 1/2 year marriage is over :| All very amicable but pretty strawberry floating grim. Not the best week, this. Have felt physically sick ever since, lost appetite completely, and hadn't eaten since Sunday lunch-time until a couple of hours ago, and now my body is trying to vomit the sandwich I did make myself eat out of surprise. Meh.

Quick, to Grcade etc etc.


Sorry to see this mate. If you need to chat, you know where I am.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by I Shot A Kid » Wed Nov 27, 2019 8:00 pm

What the strawberry float man :( sorry to hear it.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by That's not a growth » Wed Nov 27, 2019 8:18 pm

That's really gooseberry fool to hear, I'm sorry mini e.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Rudolphin » Wed Nov 27, 2019 8:30 pm

Mini E wrote:So as of Sunday evening, my 8 1/2 year relationship and 1 1/2 year marriage is over :| All very amicable but pretty strawberry floating grim. Not the best week, this. Have felt physically sick ever since, lost appetite completely, and hadn't eaten since Sunday lunch-time until a couple of hours ago, and now my body is trying to vomit the sandwich I did make myself eat out of surprise. Meh.

Quick, to Grcade etc etc.


That's terrible, mate I'm sorry.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Harry Ellis » Wed Nov 27, 2019 9:52 pm

strawberry float, that's terrible.

Anything we can do?

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Victor Mistletoe » Wed Nov 27, 2019 10:39 pm

Don't suffer on your own miniE, pm any time.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Bethlehemster » Wed Nov 27, 2019 10:44 pm

Ive been there. It's awful. Hope you're as well as can be expected mate.

That appalling feeling does ease mate. You're experiencing a terrible type of grief and huge loss.
Good luck with it.


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Get the kite, Beavis.
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Rocsteady » Wed Nov 27, 2019 10:52 pm

Sorry to hear that man.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Dual » Wed Nov 27, 2019 10:56 pm

gooseberry fool man. I remember you posting about getting married in this thread.

Stay safe bro xxx


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