Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(

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Christopher
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Christopher » Sat Jul 04, 2020 7:56 pm

Luckily she loves not having the kids with her so I know I won’t have to worry about access to the kids.

But, she could very well come at me for money, which I have very little of.

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False
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by False » Sun Jul 26, 2020 11:56 pm

i did the bad thing tonight and i know its bad and accept the slating but i cheated on my bird tonight, for the second time

the first time was just a quick deal and i felt bad but forgot about it, this time the girl was a bit more emotionally involved and im going to have to keep it going for a few weeks to emotionally spare her as much as possible

im really trying to stop but i just dont know something overtakes me

i feel guilt and remorse and did the entire time but i dont know im just a natural banana split and i cant really stop it

strawberry float me dude

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Drumstick
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Drumstick » Mon Jul 27, 2020 7:04 am

There's no point in anyone having a go, we're all adults here, you know you've done wrong.

Why do you need to spare the second girl's feelings? Also, does she know that you're already in a relationship?

Are you going to tell your existing girlfriend?

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Rocsteady » Mon Jul 27, 2020 8:25 am

False wrote:i did the bad thing tonight and i know its bad and accept the slating but i cheated on my bird tonight, for the second time

the first time was just a quick deal and i felt bad but forgot about it, this time the girl was a bit more emotionally involved and im going to have to keep it going for a few weeks to emotionally spare her as much as possible

im really trying to stop but i just dont know something overtakes me

i feel guilt and remorse and did the entire time but i dont know im just a natural banana split and i cant really stop it

strawberry float me dude

Why would you have to keep it going for weeks to emotionally spare her? What about emotionally sparing your current partner?

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by False » Mon Jul 27, 2020 10:36 am

no she doesnt know and emotionally sparing her in the sense that she would be pretty devastated if she knew it was a one off thing, i wont get with her again but ill just ease it off progressively

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Eighthours
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Eighthours » Mon Jul 27, 2020 10:36 am

False wrote:the first time was just a quick deal and i felt bad but forgot about it, this time the girl was a bit more emotionally involved and im going to have to keep it going for a few weeks to emotionally spare her as much as possible


It's not the same as what's happening with you, False, but I've been in a strawberry floating awkward situation this year. In October 2019 I broke up with my ex of 7.5 years and I started a new relationship in early 2020, but it became clear to me early on that this new one wasn't going to work long-term. Unfortunately we were just too different people. However, my new girlfriend was really into it and made that very clear. She hadn't been in a relationship for a while and thought this was 'the one'. Rather than confronting the situation, though, I just let it drift on, and lockdown then complicated things further as it affected her badly in terms of her emotional state. And that had the knock-on effect of taking the enjoyment out of being with her. Previously, even though I didn't think it would ultimately go anywhere, at least we had fun together. Without the physical aspects of the relationship propping things up, though, the issues were laid more bare for me, and her being in a mood for reasons that she said had nothing to do with me was getting me down further, particularly as I was also struggling with lockdown. It got to the point where meeting up outside with her or sitting in her garden after people were allowed to see each other from a distance again, seemed like a penance rather than a date. I didn't want to break up with her while she was having such a shitty time of it. She's a lovely woman, just not right for me, and the fact that she's lovely made me feel even worse about how I felt. I had also become a bit annoyed about how she reacted to things in a way that I thought was massively OTT - for example, when lockdown happened she thought that I should have gone to hers to stay until lockdown ended. I thought it was waaaaaaaay too early for such shenanigans, but she took me saying no as a bit of an insult, and we didn't communicate for a few days. We were only weeks into our relationship, and it was ridiculous to live together. That was my opinion, anyway. And her reaction there was just one example of many. She's the kind of person who you can't turn the mood around on, you just have to lump it until she stops.

Even more complications were introduced when my ex and I started talking a lot more during lockdown, and it became clear that we had unresolved feelings. She wanted me to break up with my girlfriend as a result of these feelings, and was putting quite a bit of emotional pressure on me to do so. So what you mention about 'emotionally sparing' someone resonates with me, False... since lockdown I've pretty much been taking it a day at a time and operating based on what's not going to annoy the members of the opposite sex in my life. I was shitting myself about lockdown being lifted because at that point my girlfriend would want me to stay overnight with her, and I was worried about my actions then being the opposite of what I'd told my ex about the state of my relationship. (My ex would be pretty controlling by ensuring that we would either play Rocket League at the end of a night or talk before we went to sleep. She said that this wasn't related to her being worried about me staying the night with my girlfriend, but that's 100% bullshit. I allowed this. I enabled it.) I've figured out that I hate the thought of people I like not liking me anymore to the point where I will do anything, say anything to make that not happen, and it's totally counter-productive. I react to the possibility by covering things and feelings up, and not being true to myself. So I was wanting my girlfriend not to be annoyed with me. I was wanting my ex not to be annoyed with me. And was just in a mess that I'd created.

I finally broke up with my girlfriend a week and a half ago as I couldn't take the constant stress anymore. I didn't do it very well, though, as I didn't explain properly why we wouldn't work. I felt that to do so would feel like I was insulting her, as the negative things would have come across badly, and probably as me being selfish. Sigh. She sent me a lovely letter at the end of last week about her feelings for me, and I have delayed replying as I don't know what to say and I'm stressed enough as it is. I have to get back to her today, though. Aaaargh x 1,000,000. And now my ex is gently pressuring me to get back together. I don't know what I think about that, but I do know - again - that I want to spare my 2020-girlfriend-now-ex's feelings. It would be awful on her if I just jumped back with my now-ex-ex quickly, and would also make me look like a right prick.

The way I avoid things really irritates the strawberry float out of me.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by False » Mon Jul 27, 2020 10:57 am

a few things kind of make sense about my situation there

same story, amazing girl, pushed together lockdown, really like spending time with her and have constantly worried about whether it has legs - she did the whole l word thing with me and i didnt really reciprocate which she took kind of hard as is to be expected

i really like spending time with her and when shes not around like talking to her, but i think because shes so kind of close and needy (a word she uses herself) that i get burnt out very quickly on those aspects - i have actually 'broken up' with her twice but it always comes back, which obviously isnt promising for long term prospects

i am currently in therapy with psychosexual specialists because lets be real my behaviour isnt normal or sane, but im still finding it really difficult to keep it under control

this morning when i woke up i deleted all of the apps and stuff i have and im going to go cold on all of my outstanding communcations, its a purge process ive been through before but i really have to try and make it stick

not making excuses i did a cunty thing but ill try to not do it again

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Drumstick » Mon Jul 27, 2020 11:13 am

Eighthours wrote:(My ex would be pretty controlling by ensuring that we would either play Rocket League at the end of a night or talk before we went to sleep. She said that this wasn't related to her being worried about me staying the night with my girlfriend, but that's 100% bullshit. I allowed this. I enabled it.)

...

And now my ex is gently pressuring me to get back together.

See the trend here? Do not allow yourself to be controlled, coerced, or pressured. You have to do what you feel is best for you otherwise this cycle will become more and more difficult to break. If that means upsetting someone, that's OK - if they really care for you, they'll understand or at least try to. You should not feel bad or incapable of putting yourself first.

Eighthours wrote:I don't know what I think about that, but I do know - again - that I want to spare my 2020-girlfriend-now-ex's feelings. It would be awful on her if I just jumped back with my now-ex-ex quickly, and would also make me look like a right prick.

Yeah it would. But moreover, you've said you are unsure about what you actually want. That means you aren't sure about jumping back into a relationship with your ex. Your ex is already (knowingly?) trying to control/pressure you and you need to nip that behaviour in the bin before you do anything else, to enable you to make the best decisions for you.

I would be wary of jumping back into a relationship with someone who was/is controlling of me. Was this the status-quo during the relationship too?

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Tsunade » Mon Jul 27, 2020 11:43 am

False are you that into your current relationship to cheat on her in the first place?

Eighthours I don't think you should be letting your ex pressure you like that, there's a reason why you guys broke up!

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by False » Mon Jul 27, 2020 12:09 pm

ive cheated on everyone ive ever been with aside from the ex but thats because we were open

its something i dont want to do going forwards, but i dunno how to describe it, as soon as im alone for a little bit i just start strawberry floating up, like a compulsion

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Prototype » Mon Jul 27, 2020 12:11 pm

Why do you commit to relationships then? What's the point?

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Frank
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Frank » Mon Jul 27, 2020 12:18 pm

How are you cheating when you're meant to be social distancing anyway :x Falsey is Dominic Cummings = confirmed

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Victor Mildew » Mon Jul 27, 2020 12:22 pm

Frank wrote:How are you cheating when you're meant to be social distancing anyway :x Falsey is Dominic Cummings = confirmed


It's so clear now

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by False » Mon Jul 27, 2020 12:27 pm

im committing because i do want that kind of gooseberry fool, dont wanna cheat you know, its better to be with someone i know that

just need to curb the bastardness

i dont feel good about it

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Moggy » Mon Jul 27, 2020 12:32 pm

False wrote:im committing because i do want that kind of gooseberry fool, dont wanna cheat you know, its better to be with someone i know that

just need to curb the bastardness

i dont feel good about it


I know it went badly in the end, but did the open part of your last long term relationship work for you?

It sounds like you are always going to struggle not to cheat, so why not look for relationships where it's open and so you're not cheating?

Easier said than done of course, but it seems like that's the only way you'll have a long term relationship without eating yourself up with guilt when you stray.

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Kezzer
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Kezzer » Mon Jul 27, 2020 12:32 pm

chastity cage and an asslock that only your current gf has the key to.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Knoyleo » Mon Jul 27, 2020 12:37 pm

False wrote:im committing because i do want that kind of gooseberry fool, dont wanna cheat you know, its better to be with someone i know that

just need to curb the bastardness

i dont feel good about it

Are you polyamorous, or is it more of a no feelings, just need the physical stimulus, kind of drive?

EDIT: I mean with the second partner, not the girlfriend, I'm assuming you definitely do have feeling for her.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by False » Mon Jul 27, 2020 12:44 pm

just the physical, tbh its not even the physical, i dont actually care about the physical when it happens - its the chase, thats the part i enjoy

the open aspects of the last one did work for me yes - it was only ever physical and open and mutual and everything was discussed before and after etc, true polyamoury doesnt work for me and isnt what i want

i was open with this new girl from the very start btw that im used to open and would be looking to have something like that long term and she is fundamentally on board but as shes never done it before she wants to take that aspect very slowly which im fine with

as i say its just the thrill of getting someone new that i enjoy

literally as soon as you break through and start making out or whatever i totally mentally disengage as ive achieved the hard part and its all done

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Moggy » Mon Jul 27, 2020 12:47 pm

If you were open with the new girl, then I'm not sure you've actually cheated here. Unless it's cheating because you should have told her?

As for your new mistress ( ;) ), obviously I don't know her, but I'd imagine it'll hurt more if you drag it out for longer. Tell her the truth.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by False » Mon Jul 27, 2020 12:53 pm

i was open in so far as i said its what i want long term, but the agreement was that im not interested now its a long tail thing

i was just bored and been stuck on my own this weekend and fancied the challenge i suppose

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