Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(

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Christopher
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Christopher » Wed Sep 23, 2020 6:36 am

Tafdolphin wrote:Is not manipulation if you're just asking her to be honest about her availability, surely?


See, I didn’t think so and certainly didn’t mean to. I feel her reply is actually quite manipulative, instead of her saying something like “Yeah I cant guarantee I’ll call” or “you’re right I haven’t been able to call you much let’s say a time we’ll call at” she’s now made me feel bad for expressing my feelings.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Trelliz » Wed Sep 23, 2020 6:45 am

So one of my friends split with their partner about 6 months ago for reasons that aren't entirely clear to me, and she still messages him every few weeks with a "hi, how's it going?" or other nothingy message, which leads to an equally nothingy exchange of pleasantries and seems to undo any progress he's made towards moving on, which for a while he was doing fairly well with. It's clear that he has some unanswered questions and she's pinging him for some sort of response, but neither seem willing to actually get on and get things out in the open.

He keeps going on about how confusing things are, not understanding what's going on, how odd things are and saying stuff like "i'm sure things will work out", "i'll see how things pan out for a bit", "She's consistently reopened conversation that i've expected to be over; that says something but i dont know what" to which I respond by saying that no, nothing will change unless you take some sort of steps to resolve this one way or the other and ask whatever you need to, stressing that the only way to get actual answers is to ask actual questions; people can't hear what you don't say, and these things will only get harder to do as time goes on, until eventually he never hears from her again and any opportunity to get answers is gone forever. At least by actively saying what's needed then if that's it, he at least knows he got it out there rather than left forever wondering. I've suggested writing out whatever needs saying/asking in a clear and direct manner to cut through all the vagueness to just sort it out, but I think there are varying emotional intelligence/maturity issues on both sides that make this harder than it should be.

I have also challenged him by asking whats the worse possible outcome from just saying/asking what he needs to? It's not like they can be double split up, and if he's half expecting to never hear from her again and that happens, then that's closure in itself. Or if he really wants that then delete and block all communication channels.

The sad thing is I can see this dragging out for (even more) months and months, him making some progress then getting pulled back into a spiral of self-induced stress based on a complete lack of actual information and over-analysing everything. I'm trying to be there for him and suggest steps and actions which will either get answers or some sort of closure, but it never seems to lead to anything beyond vague agreements, and its starting to get a little tiring hearing him say the same things and me respond with the same things over and over and nothing seems to change.

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Victor Mildew
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Victor Mildew » Thu Sep 24, 2020 7:18 am

Christopher wrote:My lady friend has now been back in NI for over a month and our time to talk is pretty gooseberry fool, we don’t get to speak until close to midnight on the days we do get to talk. We had previously agreed to a couple of virtual date nights a week, so far we’ve had none, she’s actually said this to me “during the day work is my priority, evenings and weekends are my parent’s time.” Then she’ll go on about how much she loves me and how she can’t wait to be with me again. But I don’t get how she just can’t spare a bit of time earlier in the evening for us.

The other thing is, I can’t call her when I would like to, I can’t just pick up the phone and FaceTime her on a spur of the moment. I’ve tried a few times but she didn’t answer once. She doesn’t even message to say sorry can’t talk, or call back later. So for me she’s completely unavailable.

This week her sister is over from Lyon, which is cool, I don’t even message her or try to call her whilst she’s there.

Anyway, earlier on, I sent her a message with some news, that I’d like to share with her, kinda wanted to share it with her via video call, but she didn’t see my text until late and said we’ll talk tomorrow about it. Which would be fine, but there is no guarantee she’ll call me tomorrow so I replied “ Don't say we'll talk tomorrow unless we actually we will please. I know I don't have anything else to do, but just waiting around and then not hearing from you is quite a kick in the balls.“

She replied: “In that case, we'll speak on Saturday when my sister has left.

I've made no promises to anyone this week except my sister as this is the only week I get to see her. I don't appreciate being manipulated into feeling I'm not living up to your expectations or holding up my end of the deal.”

Am I in the wrong? I honestly wasn’t trying to manipulate her, I was just trying to say don’t make me wait until midnight if you’re not going to call. Just let me know I’m not going to speak to you.


I can only go off what you've told us here, but this sounds really unfair. You're seconds out of your life being turned upside down relationship wise, then someone you've always liked swoops in and turns things on its head. You're going to be waaaay more invested than her, becuase it's a far bigger deal for you. It's not fair to spend every second she's with you making you feel amazing, then to cut you off from that when she's away becuase she's found something else to do with her time.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Tafdolphin » Thu Sep 24, 2020 9:43 am

Trelliz wrote:So one of my friends split with their partner about 6 months ago for reasons that aren't entirely clear to me, and she still messages him every few weeks with a "hi, how's it going?" or other nothingy message, which leads to an equally nothingy exchange of pleasantries and seems to undo any progress he's made towards moving on, which for a while he was doing fairly well with. It's clear that he has some unanswered questions and she's pinging him for some sort of response, but neither seem willing to actually get on and get things out in the open.

He keeps going on about how confusing things are, not understanding what's going on, how odd things are and saying stuff like "i'm sure things will work out", "i'll see how things pan out for a bit", "She's consistently reopened conversation that i've expected to be over; that says something but i dont know what" to which I respond by saying that no, nothing will change unless you take some sort of steps to resolve this one way or the other and ask whatever you need to, stressing that the only way to get actual answers is to ask actual questions; people can't hear what you don't say, and these things will only get harder to do as time goes on, until eventually he never hears from her again and any opportunity to get answers is gone forever. At least by actively saying what's needed then if that's it, he at least knows he got it out there rather than left forever wondering. I've suggested writing out whatever needs saying/asking in a clear and direct manner to cut through all the vagueness to just sort it out, but I think there are varying emotional intelligence/maturity issues on both sides that make this harder than it should be.

I have also challenged him by asking whats the worse possible outcome from just saying/asking what he needs to? It's not like they can be double split up, and if he's half expecting to never hear from her again and that happens, then that's closure in itself. Or if he really wants that then delete and block all communication channels.

The sad thing is I can see this dragging out for (even more) months and months, him making some progress then getting pulled back into a spiral of self-induced stress based on a complete lack of actual information and over-analysing everything. I'm trying to be there for him and suggest steps and actions which will either get answers or some sort of closure, but it never seems to lead to anything beyond vague agreements, and its starting to get a little tiring hearing him say the same things and me respond with the same things over and over and nothing seems to change.


Reminds me of when I split with my last longterm partner. Nerd I was, I scoured the internet for advice and pretty much everyone's top tip was sever. Even if it's just short term...cut off all contact and allow yourself the space to exist without them.

I did, and it worked strawberry floating wonders. The first few months were insanely difficult but the pain subsided after and I managed to rebuild my life and get on with things. Stringing things out is literally the worst thing you can do/allow to be done to you.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by That's not a growth » Thu Sep 24, 2020 10:02 am

'was'?

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Tafdolphin » Thu Sep 24, 2020 10:07 am

I'll have you know I am now a fully functioning adult who absolutely isn't considering buying a physical pin celebrating some stuff I did in a game, thankyouverymuch

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by MrKirov » Thu Sep 24, 2020 10:09 am

So me and the girl I was seeing split.

Bit of a long/weird story really. Were seeing each other about 7-ish weeks, and all was going great mostly. first 5 weeks were great. She was really interested, comms were there, staying over each others houses and going on fun dates 1-2 times a week- couldnt have been happier. While I was over her house, we were talking about past people we were seeing and stuff, and she mentioned about a guy in work that was chasing her a while ago and he was really full on and all the rest, and mentioned how it was too intense. I took that chance to say how I liked what we had, that we could text or ring when we wanted but neither of us really made it too full on- she agreed and said she was really glad I said that.

I took that as, the slight pulling back I did in comms was the right thing to do (not a big difference time wise, but different cities, and shes got alot going on with social life, training, house being done up etc). a couple of weeks later, I notice there is a dip in comms, and that texting etc had turned into something different than before- more "hey, how was your day" and stuff like that- but then we'd meet up and it would all be amazing for both of us again.

I randomly get a call about a week or so ago saying she was struggling as it felt more like friends currently- apparently not in person, just the inbetween bits. I took this call as she wanted to split up, so I ended up telling her that actually, I have anxiety and that I pulled back on purpose- and actually I wanted more comms - but was really conscious of overcrowding her like that happened in the past. She started being split then as to whether she wanted to finish or not after hearing this, and agreed to come over mine to chat about it more.

After we chatted openly and honestly, she was onboard- we agreed I would stop pulling back. She mentioned she had alot going on in her head currently with everything happening, and alluded to other stuff I didnt know about, and that she was worried about hurting me and not being able to put two feet in. I said that was my decision, but whatever was going on i'd be there to help if she let me in. Her body language changed, she said she wanted to keep seeing me and that we would have a couple of phone calls in the week and see each other once a week as before- she stayed for dinner, and was herself again fully.

We'd agreed to go to the zoo on Sunday- I mentioned it and she went and booked and paid for the tickets off her own back, then even booked an open air restaurant for a place she knew I wanted to try- paid all herself and all as a surprise. That was a really good sign I thought. On the Friday night I was speaking to her on text, having a bit of a chat- then I sent a couple of flirty messages, then they ended up on unread until 2pm the next day- which is really out of character. At which point I got a "hey how are you doing today". I was ready to end it then if needs be and wanted some clarity.- I rang her on Saturday evening asking if she still wanted me to come up, because she'd not been herself. She said of course she did, she was looking forward to it and all the rest. Mixed messages ahoy.

We went out on Sunday, had an amazing date, all was great- went to the zoo and then out for dinner. She laid down on a bench randomly with her head in my lap for about 40 mins, just chatted gooseberry fool as we do all day, were laughing and chatting ans everything couldnt have gone better. We slept together in the day, and in bed she said "ive missed being with you baby". Went out for dinner, and she opened up a bit about how she had been struggling with lockdown, and everything going on, and it had "led her to make some bad decisions". I didnt press, but took that to mean about me. I talked about a few things to help out, and mentioned how I had CBT in the past, and talked about what it is, and how it worked- she seemed really interested and was saying she was going to look into it herself. Anyhoo, left her house with a plan to visit later in the week for dinner and movie around hers.

All sounded good- then Monday/Tuesday she was really distant again. On Monday I went into local lockdown and text her this, and I got a phone call from her within a minute or two, randomly. It didnt sound serious, more a jokey tone but she was asking what it meant for me etc, and not much basically. I said im WFH all day and not really going out, and still allowed bubble etc so wouldnt affect us too much in the short term.

But yeah, distant. I asked the next day what day in the week she wanted me to come down (had to be midweek as parents down for the weekend) - she said maybe best to wait for Boris message etc- we chatted a bit and she said how she needed "headspace". I just ended up sending a message telling her I was getting mixed messages, and I dont know where youre at, but whatevers going on you arent letting me in so how am I supposed to act- and if you wanna split then just say it basically.

She said head space was about work/covid/other stuff going on, and not about me. She said that obviously whatever is goign on in her life is clearly effecting this,and maybe we shouldt progress it right now. I knew that would be the answer when I sent the message so not unexpected. She said her head and heart arent in the right place, and she knows shes being awkward with me, and that she doesnt like it either. She said when we are together theres no problems whatsoever and its amazing, but inbetween shes struggling.She said she doesnt want me gone, because she really values me, but she feels like she cant give her all into it with her head how it is.

I agreed it wasnt fair on me, and that I dont want one foot in. I said we would hit the pause button for now, continue being in contact and let her sort her head out- and maybe in the future we can pick it up again- who knows. She said she had an amazing time Sunday and really didnt want to mess me about like this, but was clear that there is noone else, and that she has no intention of dating again anytime soon- and that this is partly what thats about, how she need time to sort her life out before letting anyone else in deep again.

I asked her what changed- literally it went from amazing all the time to feeling like the dynamic had changed in comms overnight, and she just said she didnt know how to answer, her head is just all over the place.

So yeah, it sucks and im a bit sad. Im a really honest, decent and genuine guy and ive been struggling to find someone similar- and she was it- I really though after the first month we had a chance of going places, then all this came from nowhere. Im not letting it get me down, I know its not my fault and I did all I could- but its just sad to have that alone feeling again, and not be able to look forward to seeing her again. Its weird because she said herself in person it was amazing everytime, and with nt being let in I kind of feel like weve broken up but dont know why.

I think she may have anxiety herself honestly- lots going on in her head, living in a huge house on her own with just her thoughts- her lodger recently moved out, and she said she was feeling lonely in the house- the interest in getting CBT. But anyway- who knows, just feels a bit sucky for me.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by MrKirov » Thu Sep 24, 2020 10:21 am

Oh yeah, and I sent her a text yesterday saying its all good and no need to be weird or have any animosity or anything- and we were speaking all day back and forth. She was replying to stuff and talking about things she probably wouldnt have replied too a week ago- so :?:

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by DarkRula » Thu Sep 24, 2020 12:17 pm

Anxiety can make people fret about anything, and sometimes it'll just reach a point where it turns into a frenzy of thoughts and make you lose confidence in yourself. Then one day, you'll find yourself feeling fine, especially when with people who you know and enjoy being in the company of. With the current pandemic causing issues everywhere, I wouldn't be surprised if her anxiety is playing her up loads. On those times where she's been more her normal self, I'd say she's been trying to be her normal self for you, but that can be hard to hit at all times.

As long as the contact continues, and stays open (it seems that the case, even with the mixed messages thing), I shouldn't worry too much. Be a friend, be a helping hand, and if she is genuine in these feelings and not fobbing you off then things should be alright. In time, the relationship should be back to normal. If things don't pan out so well... don't sink into the web of negative feelings over it. And that goes for now, as well.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Qikz » Mon Mar 15, 2021 11:08 am

I recently got into an online thing with a guy from Japan and due to having absolutely no experience in anything like this I was too clingy and pissed him off. He said he needed more space to be able to do his own thing but he never explicitly said it was over (although I've since learned that that very rarely happens). It's been a week now and he's not contacted me once. There's part of me that thinks I should just give up, but there's a small part of me that really wants to message him apologising and see if we can work things out, because if me being clingy pissed him off that much I now know about it and I can just stop being clingy and give him the space that he wants. I still really care about him so I really don't want to give up, even if I can swing it so we can at least still talk as friends, because talking to him probably made me feel the happiest I've felt in ages.

I decided to wait, but given it's a week now my anxiety is still going haywire because of it and I'm wondering if I should just get it over with. I think the likely outcome of all this is he doesn't want to be with me anymore so maybe it's better to just completely give up (which I kind of have) but I really want to just find out once and for all rather than always having this feeling of regret of at least not trying to fix things, especially because it ending over one argument for something I could easily change would be super stupid.

Anyone got any further ideas, is it worth me bothering messaging him or should I just leave it? He never removed me from anything so it makes me think he doesn't hate me. I just wonder if he feels awkward contacting me and he's waiting for me to make the first move or something.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Prototype » Mon Mar 15, 2021 11:12 am

I think if he’s found you clingy or if you perceive yourself to be too clingy I honestly would avoid asking anything outright just now. If you are keen for there to be something between the two of you, I’d suggest playing it as cool as possible even if it’s eating you up inside.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Moggy » Mon Mar 15, 2021 11:20 am

Prototype wrote:I think if he’s found you clingy or if you perceive yourself to be too clingy I honestly would avoid asking anything outright just now. If you are keen for there to be something between the two of you, I’d suggest playing it as cool as possible even if it’s eating you up inside.


Yeah I'd agree with that.

If he thinks you've been too clingy, then messaging him again is only going to look clingy.

If it's going to eat you up and you have to know, then leave it a little bit longer and then send a simple "I'll leave you alone now but if you want to continue then message me back" and leave it up to him.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Qikz » Mon Mar 15, 2021 1:04 pm

Prototype wrote:I think if he’s found you clingy or if you perceive yourself to be too clingy I honestly would avoid asking anything outright just now. If you are keen for there to be something between the two of you, I’d suggest playing it as cool as possible even if it’s eating you up inside.



Moggy wrote:
Prototype wrote:I think if he’s found you clingy or if you perceive yourself to be too clingy I honestly would avoid asking anything outright just now. If you are keen for there to be something between the two of you, I’d suggest playing it as cool as possible even if it’s eating you up inside.


Yeah I'd agree with that.

If he thinks you've been too clingy, then messaging him again is only going to look clingy.

If it's going to eat you up and you have to know, then leave it a little bit longer and then send a simple "I'll leave you alone now but if you want to continue then message me back" and leave it up to him.


Thing is I'm not sure how long to wait - it really is stupidly eating me up inside and I worry that if I don't say anything he's going to take it as I don't want to talk to him anymore which is completely not true. I guess you're right though if I was overbearing/clingy then me messaging first is going to make it look worse, but the anxiety of thinking he's never going to message me again sucks. It's only a stupid online thing as well which makes this whole sense of feeling gooseberry fool feel even more stupid, but it's literally the first experience I've ever felt of feelings like this for someone and there's also the fact it's a guy when I've always just thought I was only straight not bi so it's all kicking me all over the place. :fp: :lol:

I guess there's always the chance I message him and he never replies anyway so maybe that would feel worse than just not saying anything at all.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by aayl1 » Mon Mar 15, 2021 2:04 pm

I'd give it another week (so 2 weeks no contact) and then drop a casual "hey just FYI I'd still like to chat but no worries if you don't" and then leave it at that.

Edit: and I fully acknowledge how strawberry floating hard it will be to do that, having been there in the past myself.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Parksey » Mon Mar 15, 2021 2:21 pm

Ghosting is unfortunately a thing here. Rather than have a difficult, direct confrontation, it's often more desirable to just cut off all contact. I've actually had exes try to engineer the break-up by lying about cheating and stuff. I think in a warped way they think it's easier for the jilted party, rather than dealing with arguments or regret etc. but it's a really strawberry floated up way of doing it.

I've often found break-ups here rather cold and dispassionate (and dare I say it, cowardly). And that's coming from me, who's classically repressed and British as it is.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Qikz » Mon Mar 15, 2021 2:37 pm

Parksey wrote:Ghosting is unfortunately a thing here. Rather than have a difficult, direct confrontation, it's often more desirable to just cut off all contact. I've actually had exes try to engineer the break-up by lying about cheating and stuff. I think in a warped way they think it's easier for the jilted party, rather than dealing with arguments or regret etc. but it's a really strawberry floated up way of doing it.

I've often found break-ups here rather cold and dispassionate (and dare I say it, cowardly). And that's coming from me, who's classically repressed and British as it is.


It's so confusing, because nothing he was saying lead me to believe that he'd want to ghost me, just if it continued on with me being clingy he'd start hating me so I really don't understand why he's ghosting me. :lol:

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Prototype » Mon Mar 15, 2021 2:39 pm

Are you in Japan right now StayQikz?

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Moggy » Mon Mar 15, 2021 2:39 pm

aayl1 wrote:I'd give it another week (so 2 weeks no contact) and then drop a casual "hey just FYI I'd still like to chat but no worries if you don't" and then leave it at that.

Edit: and I fully acknowledge how strawberry floating hard it will be to do that, having been there in the past myself.


Yeah this is good advice.

If he doesn't respond or turns you down then it's going to hurt, unfortunately that's the way a lot of relationships go.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Qikz » Mon Mar 15, 2021 2:42 pm

Prototype wrote:Are you in Japan right now StayQikz?


Nah, that's why I know it's purely an online thing which is why feeling this gooseberry fool is kinda dumb.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Moggy » Mon Mar 15, 2021 2:47 pm

Qikz wrote:
Prototype wrote:Are you in Japan right now StayQikz?


Nah, that's why I know it's purely an online thing which is why feeling this gooseberry fool is kinda dumb.


It's not dumb, feelings are feelings and online relationships (whether friendly or romantic) can be just as deep as real life ones.

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