Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(

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Qikz
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Qikz » Mon Mar 15, 2021 2:55 pm

Moggy wrote:
Qikz wrote:
Prototype wrote:Are you in Japan right now StayQikz?


Nah, that's why I know it's purely an online thing which is why feeling this gooseberry fool is kinda dumb.


It's not dumb, feelings are feelings and online relationships (whether friendly or romantic) can be just as deep as real life ones.


It feels dumb because we'd only been semi together for like 2 and a half weeks up the last time I spoke with him. I just basically fell too deep way too fast. :fp:

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The Watching Artist wrote:I feel so inept next to Qikz...
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Prototype » Mon Mar 15, 2021 3:02 pm

Majority of relationships begin online these days I’d wager so don’t feel like gooseberry fool cos you think it’s dumb, it’s not

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Qikz
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Qikz » Tue Mar 16, 2021 11:19 am

Parksey wrote:Ghosting is unfortunately a thing here. Rather than have a difficult, direct confrontation, it's often more desirable to just cut off all contact. I've actually had exes try to engineer the break-up by lying about cheating and stuff. I think in a warped way they think it's easier for the jilted party, rather than dealing with arguments or regret etc. but it's a really strawberry floated up way of doing it.

I've often found break-ups here rather cold and dispassionate (and dare I say it, cowardly). And that's coming from me, who's classically repressed and British as it is.


Yeah I found out last night from someone else that apparantly it's a very common thing in Japan for both sides to just stop contacting each other and let things end that way rather than actually talking to the person about it. Other people I've spoken to seem to think it's a bit dumb because usually if people do that they don't say anything to start off with and don't give someone the idea that there is a fixable problem and if it doesn't change it'll all be over.

Common consensus from all the people I've spoken to have said leave it another week and then if you haven't got anything back message them. At that point they're either going to be feeling the same as you and are struggling to message first because they regret what they did or they're genuinely not interested anymore. Hopefully whatever happens I can salvage a friendship out of this because it's annoying where he got involved with my friends if he's around it's kinda locked me off from hanging out with some people until we can talk again.

EDIT: I messaged them, it was eating me up too much to not say anything and all I did was apologise really and say that I enjoyed the time we spent together, if you don't want to make up can we at least just go on as friends because I didn't want to lose that.

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The Watching Artist wrote:I feel so inept next to Qikz...
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Qikz
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Qikz » Thu Mar 18, 2021 10:58 am

So long story short I spoke to him yesterday and it turns out he wasn't annoyed with me at all and that I just went off and decided that on my own. He said I should've just spoken to him rather than just assuming the worst and cutting all contact thinking that was what he wanted. Admittedly thinking about it now it is kinda stupid what I did, but he said the reason why he didn't message me is he wanted to see how I'd deal with the situation. Kinda annoying in itself, but he said he wants me to learn how to deal with stuff like this because we know this isn't going to be a permanant thing and he wants me to be able to deal with situations like this better in the future which I guess is nice. Good thing is we've made up now I think? and he said let's just move on from last week and see how it goes.

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The Watching Artist wrote:I feel so inept next to Qikz...
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by That's not a growth » Thu Mar 18, 2021 11:08 am

Just reading that I would also just keep in mind about him pushing all the blame on you, and if it becomes a pattern in future. I don't know the full details about what happened here, and it's possible you're the one who overreacted but relationships of any kind are a two way street and he could have talked to you about this in an open and mutually respectful way rather than just hoping you 'come to your senses', as it were.

Perhaps not a massive thing is isolation, just behaviour to keep an eye out for.

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Victor Mildew
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Victor Mildew » Thu Mar 18, 2021 11:10 am

Qikz wrote:So long story short I spoke to him yesterday and it turns out he wasn't annoyed with me at all and that I just went off and decided that on my own. He said I should've just spoken to him rather than just assuming the worst and cutting all contact thinking that was what he wanted. Admittedly thinking about it now it is kinda stupid what I did, but he said the reason why he didn't message me is he wanted to see how I'd deal with the situation. Kinda annoying in itself, but he said he wants me to learn how to deal with stuff like this because we know this isn't going to be a permanant thing and he wants me to be able to deal with situations like this better in the future which I guess is nice. Good thing is we've made up now I think? and he said let's just move on from last week and see how it goes.


That's worrying behaviour and manipulative, be careful with that stuff as it's a way to get you to change your personality to suit someone.

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Oblomov Boblomov
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Oblomov Boblomov » Thu Mar 18, 2021 11:12 am

I'm getting a couple of red flags from that.

He's making you feel like the whole thing was just you being silly, however apparently he was also running some sort of psychological experiment on you, which is bad enough on its own but also contradicts the first part, as it can't have all been in your head if he was actively treating you differently than normal.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Christopher » Thu Mar 18, 2021 11:12 am

Victor Mildew wrote:
Qikz wrote:So long story short I spoke to him yesterday and it turns out he wasn't annoyed with me at all and that I just went off and decided that on my own. He said I should've just spoken to him rather than just assuming the worst and cutting all contact thinking that was what he wanted. Admittedly thinking about it now it is kinda stupid what I did, but he said the reason why he didn't message me is he wanted to see how I'd deal with the situation. Kinda annoying in itself, but he said he wants me to learn how to deal with stuff like this because we know this isn't going to be a permanant thing and he wants me to be able to deal with situations like this better in the future which I guess is nice. Good thing is we've made up now I think? and he said let's just move on from last week and see how it goes.


That's worrying behaviour and manipulative, be careful with that stuff as it's a way to get you to change your personality to suit someone.


100% this. Be careful.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Dual » Thu Mar 18, 2021 11:14 am

Big yikes there. man's gaslighting you.

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Qikz
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Qikz » Thu Mar 18, 2021 11:16 am

I'll keep an eye out in the future and be careful, thanks for the advice.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Victor Mildew » Thu Mar 18, 2021 11:17 am

Dual wrote:Big yikes there. man's gaslighting you.


^ that's the term I was looking for.

He's got you posting about this before making contact again, doubting yourself, questioning if youve imagined it and so on, which is abusive behaviour.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Qikz » Thu Mar 18, 2021 11:20 am

Victor Mildew wrote:
Dual wrote:Big yikes there. man's gaslighting you.


^ that's the term I was looking for.

He's got you posting about this before making contact again, doubting yourself, questioning if youve imagined it and so on, which is abusive behaviour.


I don't think it's necessarily that. I was doubting myself because of my anxiety spiralling and while there isn't really a language barrier there's still the fact I've got literally 0 experience in anything like this and especially in my second language so I did most likely read into it wrong. Either way, I'll keep an eye out and if it is weird or I notice anything strange then I'll do something about it. At the end of the day it's purely an online thing anyway so it's not going to affect me in any tangible way.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Dual » Thu Mar 18, 2021 11:23 am

Good attitude to have staydead. Keep cool bro.

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Corazon de Leon
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Corazon de Leon » Thu Mar 18, 2021 11:40 am

As Dual says, it's good that you're keeping cool but be careful man, I'm seeing the same red flags the other are here.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Rocsteady » Thu Mar 18, 2021 12:49 pm

Yeah, it's not his place to 'test' how you're going to react. That's manipulative, language barrier or no. Good idea to keep an eye on anything like this in future.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Somebody Else's Presents » Thu Mar 18, 2021 6:56 pm

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Prototype
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Prototype » Thu Mar 18, 2021 7:01 pm

I know that it’s almost impossible to se things from the outside but my genuine advice at this stage would be to move on.

It’s rare that you’re able to see someone’s manipulative behaviour this early on, let alone them admitting to it.

Seriously, get shot.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Corazon de Leon » Thu Mar 18, 2021 7:50 pm

Indeed. It’s telling to me that the guy admitted to letting you essentially stew in your own upset for several weeks.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Drumstick » Thu Mar 18, 2021 7:57 pm

I can only concur with the fine gents that have come before me. An early indicator of coercive control.

One man should not have this much power in this game. Luckily I'm not an ordinary man.
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Moggy » Thu Mar 18, 2021 9:47 pm

I think you should go the other way and see how he deals with the situation if you go into full stalker mode. Bombard him with messages, voicemails, videos and (once covid is over) turn up on his doorstep.

If he asks why you've gone crazy, just say you wanted him to learn how to deal with stuff like that.

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