Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Rudolphin » Wed Aug 28, 2019 6:08 am

Short answer: she's not happy doing most of the chores. She wants me to do more.

This is not the first time we've had this fight and last night I think we boiled it down to its essence: agency. She feels I don't take any, I feel like I'm not allowed any. She wants me to do more I feel that by the time I get around to doing more she's already done everything.

I'm not sure what to do. This is turning into potential deal breaker I think. She told me years ago that she had a very specific set of criteria for a relationship and wasn't going to back down from them. One of these was someone who could look after a house and cook. I can do both of those things, but not to the standards she requires.

As an example of the latter, last night I asked her what she wanted for tea. She didn't answer. I asked her again. Nothing. I suggested a meal. She said 'no it's not balanced enough' and before I knew it she was making something for both of us herself. She then accused me of not putting sufficient effort into meal prep which she classes as planning out all meals a week beforehand.

I just don't know.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Knoyleo » Wed Aug 28, 2019 7:10 am

Have you considered a cleaning rota?

Seriously though, she needs to be open to talk this through, if there's this much disagreement about stuff. Equally, if you know she's always getting to chores ahead of you, you might just need to be more proactive and get to them first, as well. Start doing stuff before it needs doing, and hopefully she'll at least appreciate the effort, and perhaps be more willing to discuss "standards" after that?

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Rudolphin » Wed Aug 28, 2019 7:14 am

Knoyleo wrote:Have you considered a cleaning rota?

Seriously though, she needs to be open to talk this through, if there's this much disagreement about stuff. Equally, if you know she's always getting to chores ahead of you, you might just need to be more proactive and get to them first, as well. Start doing stuff before it needs doing, and hopefully she'll at least appreciate the effort, and perhaps be more willing to discuss "standards" after that?


A rota is not a bad idea, although we have tried it before and it didn't work.

I think it's both of us, not just her. I could definitely be more proactive, and probably should be. My main problem is that this means the whole house is being run on her needs as they are so much larger than mine, and I have begun to feel she's more of a landlord than a partner.

Guess I'll have to suck that up though.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Partridge Iciclebubbles » Wed Aug 28, 2019 7:36 am

It does sound like you can’t win. If she is doing the chores then you are lazy. If you are doing the chores then it isn’t good enough.

Are there other problems going on that is causing her to react to the chores? If she is OCD then I guess the cleaning will probably never be good enough unless she does it herself, but it does sound like she has something else on her mind.

I’d suggest maybe sharing different chores amongst yourselves. If she cleans the house, you wash the clothes. If she does the cooking, you do the washing up. Etc.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Rudolphin » Wed Aug 28, 2019 7:39 am

Moggy wrote:It does sound like you can’t win. If she is doing the chores then you are lazy. If you are doing the chores then it isn’t good enough.

Are there other problems going on that is causing her to react to the chores? If she is OCD then I guess the cleaning will probably never be good enough unless she does it herself, but it does sound like she has something else on her mind.

I’d suggest maybe sharing different chores amongst yourselves. If she cleans the house, you wash the clothes. If she does the cooking, you do the washing up. Etc.


This cuts to the heart of it I think: I have zero motivation to take the agency I feel I lack as when I do I am invariably told or it is demonstrated to me somehow that the way I do things is wrong.

I'm currently drawing up a list of tasks, daily, weekly, monthly to at least have them in front of me so I have an idea of what I can be checking for. No idea if it's going to help though. I'm also going to go home for a few weeks, give ourselves some time apart.

In a lot of aspects of my life I'm completely dependent on her. My French is much better now but still not perfect so a lot of day to day tasks fall on her. Getting away for a while might give us both a bit of a break.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Knoyleo » Wed Aug 28, 2019 8:46 am

Tafdolphin wrote:A rota is not a bad idea, although we have tried it before and it didn't work.

That wasn't a serious suggestion.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Rudolphin » Wed Aug 28, 2019 8:49 am

Knoyleo wrote:
Tafdolphin wrote:A rota is not a bad idea, although we have tried it before and it didn't work.

That wasn't a serious suggestion.


Really? Cause yeah. We've done that. In fact I just wrote and printed out a new one.

Like I say I'm clutching at straws here

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Merry Christmous Everyone » Wed Aug 28, 2019 10:26 am

Taf, just a thought but are you raising the discussion at the wrong time? She's never going to see your point of view at a time when she's flustered and annoyed by the situation.

Tafdolphin wrote:When I suggested that her constant belittling of my efforts to meet her standards is affecting my mood she turned around and said 'Not my problem, stop interpreting my words that way.'

Although I'm not going to deny that it is my interpretation of her words that's bringing me down, constant negative reinforcement is inevitably going to lead to that interpretation. When I asked her if we could work on our communication regarding this she straight up said no.


For example, if this discussion was at a point when her OCD was triggered and she was already unhappy, she's not going to be in a mood to talk.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Festivus Maximus » Wed Aug 28, 2019 10:45 am

Tafdolphin wrote:Short answer: she's not happy doing most of the chores. She wants me to do more.

This is not the first time we've had this fight and last night I think we boiled it down to its essence: agency. She feels I don't take any, I feel like I'm not allowed any. She wants me to do more I feel that by the time I get around to doing more she's already done everything.

I'm not sure what to do. This is turning into potential deal breaker I think. She told me years ago that she had a very specific set of criteria for a relationship and wasn't going to back down from them. One of these was someone who could look after a house and cook. I can do both of those things, but not to the standards she requires.

As an example of the latter, last night I asked her what she wanted for tea. She didn't answer. I asked her again. Nothing. I suggested a meal. She said 'no it's not balanced enough' and before I knew it she was making something for both of us herself. She then accused me of not putting sufficient effort into meal prep which she classes as planning out all meals a week beforehand.

I just don't know.

Trying (and failing) to avoid coming off as flippant, but it sounds like you need to give her the elbow, Taf. Relationships shouldn't be such hard work.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by False » Wed Aug 28, 2019 10:47 am

my gf and I fight about cleaning a lot for the same issues

for example she says I want to tidy, friend a is coming over and I want to look nice and fresh - thats cool

I go and clean the lounge floor, tables, shelves that kind of thing - she is rearranging all of the mugs inside of the kitchen cupboard

I give the bathroom a once over - she has emptied all of the drawers and is deep cleaning the seals behind the toilet

so many arguments over the fact that I just dont clean 'to her standard', and when we are in the same room cleaning she just stares, seething

I dont think it will ever be resolved so I just clean my gooseberry fool how I think is good, but do it in a different room - Ive explained to her that its not something we are ever going to come to an agreement on, so its put up and shut up from both sides or its murder eachother

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by False » Wed Aug 28, 2019 10:49 am

Tafdolphin wrote:I have zero motivation to take the agency I feel I lack as when I do I am invariably told or it is demonstrated to me somehow that the way I do things is wrong.


also this

more than once Ive taken the initiative and done something and mentioned, hey this is sorted

and shes like, no it isnt

huh, no I cleaned all of that

no you didnt, I can see it hasnt been disassembled, the warranty sticker is still there

more than once Ive been told I didnt clean something up, despite the fact that I was there and witnessed it, just told - no you didnt.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Harry Ellis » Wed Aug 28, 2019 10:54 am

False wrote:more than once Ive been told I didnt clean something up, despite the fact that I was there and witnessed it, just told - no you didnt.

:lol:

I'm on the other side of the cleaning coin to Falsey and Taf. Whilst I acknowledge I have high standards, I don't hold my wife to them because I recognise it would be unreasonable of me to foist them onto her.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by False » Wed Aug 28, 2019 10:58 am

heres the thing though, Ive been holding onto a silver bullet for well over a year now

I clean the dishes way better than she does

it takes me like 30 mins at least to do a bowl of washing, I clean every little thing on its own until its sparkling - cant abide dirty utensils - so I just put a show on the ipad, put it next to the sink and clean away - I do the dishes most days

she does the dishes really fast, gets them what I call surface clean

but when I go to put them away after drying, they are frequently greasy, or with the stubborn marks still there, and I secretly clean them again without saying anything

Ive been waiting for the perfect argument to drop this bomb for well over a year

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Harry Ellis » Wed Aug 28, 2019 11:03 am

:lol:

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Lotus » Wed Aug 28, 2019 11:05 am

There has to be some compromise / understanding - she can't insist on ridiculous standards and berate you when you don't meet them, but also complain that you don't do any cleaning (which ultimately is as a result of the former point). Might be worth agreeing on 'ownership' of certain chores and that way you each know what you have to focus on and keep on top off. But if she then starts sticking her nose into your chores and having a go / criticising, you can make the point that you can't win. Doesn't sound like the kind of thing that's conducive to a healthy relationship though, and she doesn't sound particularly willing to listem

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Rudolphin » Wed Aug 28, 2019 11:25 am

Lotus wrote:There has to be some compromise / understanding - she can't insist on ridiculous standards and berate you when you don't meet them, but also complain that you don't do any cleaning (which ultimately is as a result of the former point). Might be worth agreeing on 'ownership' of certain chores and that way you each know what you have to focus on and keep on top off. But if she then starts sticking her nose into your chores and having a go / criticising, you can make the point that you can't win. Doesn't sound like the kind of thing that's conducive to a healthy relationship though, and she doesn't sound particularly willing to listem


That's where we are unfortunately. I tried to explain my problem with the duality of the situation, but she can't seem to get her head around it.

And we did the ownership thing. The bathroom was her domain for example, by her own choice.

My biggest issue right now is her complete and utter inflexibility. She came out of a bad relationship with a guy who was bone idle and set herself a bunch of rules for her next partner. Problem is, and we've talked about this before, everything she sees or does around the house is dictated by her own lens and anything that deviates from it is not just insufficient but wrong.

Take the meal prep. If left to my own devices I will create lunch/dinner based entirely in the moment on what's in the kitchen. I don't think this is lazy or odd, in fact I think it's probably pretty normal. Last night, as mentioned, I tried to ask her what she wanted to which I didn't get an answer. When I suggested something I got a no. I go and check my phone for a minute and next thing I know she's asking me if I want beans and has started cooking.

How am I supposed to meal prep if every time I try I'm working blind and if my first suggestion isn't good enough the task is taken from me?

In our argument last night she defined efficient meal preparation as a whole week's worth of meals ready to go each Monday. I'm not going to plan out meals a week beforehand. That's ridiculous. But that's her standard and me not matching it is a problem for her.

I'm genuinely worried, lads. I've moved countries, quit my job and left all my friends to be with her and now we're unable to see eye to eye over strawberry floating chores.

Last edited by Rudolphin on Wed Aug 28, 2019 11:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by False » Wed Aug 28, 2019 11:30 am

taf as I say we have the chores problems, personally I just choose not to engage on it

its not an argument if you dont make it an argument, just let it unfold amicably, do what you can, then afterwards when its blown over and the adrenaline is gone ask her if she realises what a mad banana split she was being

do this many times and then eventually it becomes clear that one of you is chill and the other is a mad banana split

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Harry Ellis » Wed Aug 28, 2019 11:31 am

"mad banana split"

I can see that going down a treat with Taf's missus.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by Rudolphin » Wed Aug 28, 2019 11:33 am

False wrote:taf as I say we have the chores problems, personally I just choose not to engage on it

its not an argument if you dont make it an argument, just let it unfold amicably, do what you can, then afterwards when its blown over and the adrenaline is gone ask her if she realises what a mad banana split she was being

do this many times and then eventually it becomes clear that one of you is chill and the other is a mad banana split


Again, this is what's so frustrating. We've had this argument over and over and over and we always come to this conclusion but a few months later "the vase runs over" as she puts it and she's at my throat again.

I can't see a way round it. She knows I can't keep up with her standards, she even recognises her standards are unusually high, but that doesn't stop her being mad about it.

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PostRe: Relationship Thread V3 + Fade Broke Up With His Tortoise :(
by False » Wed Aug 28, 2019 11:33 am

Im three years in on it and it still happens

turn around, walk away, clean somewhere else, meet in the middle when its all done, dont talk about it

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