Corazon de Leon wrote:Am I in the wrong here?
Long story short, my dad's what the Scots call "a mad shagger," and was divorced from my mum about five years ago after his umpteenth affair. He's been generally very manipulative and lies an awful lot - he once told me that he was receiving weekly treatment for alcohol addiction when he wasn't getting anything of the sort, for example.
Anyway, he's taken up with a new partner in the last few years and she's aggressively trying to make inroads on having some sort of relationship with me and my brother, and our respective partners. We don't really speak to my dad too much so aren't interested in being friends with her or her family, and we've politely said so.
I'm getting married shortly, and she kept messaging asking to meet with my Mrs to talk about dresses and weddings etc, a request which was again politely declined as my partner really isn't comfortable with the situation. She started a Facebook group chat with me, my brother and our respective partners(but not my dad) to try and arrange meets and things, but with every explanation as to why we didn't want this the messages became a little more aggressive, uncomfortable and inconsiderate to the point where my partner left the group. And she's not one to take any gooseberry fool, let me tell you.
Ultimately we decided to invite my dad to our wedding - we have gone out with him a couple of times over the past year or two, and I felt like I should do it against the advice of other family members. He offered to pay for the hotel we've booked for our wedding night as a wedding gift, which we happily accepted. But he sent us a text during the week asking us to thank his partner, because she apparently contributed to this gift as well.
This felt to me quite manipulative because I didn't know she'd done that and it wasn't mentioned when we last met my dad last week. He knows that we don't want her involvement. It feels like some kind of attempt to insinuate her into our wedding planning despite my efforts to avoid this, and like a return to the bad old days of five or ten years ago, when we were regularly being manipulated and pushed into compromising situations by the hurricane of chaos that is my dad's personal life.
More to the point, it doesn't feel right to accept a gift from someone who isn't invited. We talked it over, and because I've been very clear that I don't want her involved in our wedding at all, we decided it would be best not to accept the money. It's contradictory, isn't it, to tell someone you don't want their involvement and then take their money? I tried to call the bank to have them reverse the transaction, they couldn't do it. So I texted him saying basically "thanks, we appreciate the gesture but we don't feel right taking your partner's money, can you chuck me your bank details so I can send you the money back?" and I've just received a 76 line(!) text message which, among other things, calls me petty and cruel and ends with "you're better than that mate."
This seems harsh to me - I'm simply not accepting a gift from someone who isn't invited to my wedding because it doesn't feel right. I feel like I'm being manipulated.
So my question is - am I being petty and cruel? Or am I right to stick to my principles here?
Cora, you've got to do what feels right for you and your family. If Your'd dad can't accept (sorry to say this but) strawberry float him. I think you are right to stick to your principles.
It's not the same but similar to this, a closes friend called me arrogant, and said I had an abhorrent attitude - all because I said I couldn't make it to a small get together for 7pm on the dot. I told him where to go and haven't spoken since.
Life it too short to be dealing with other peoples shite.
Bunni wrote:Tell him where to go with the money. He's been lucky enough to have you throw him a bone he doesn't really deserve. That doesn't automatically include his new missus. If he can't be a good dad figure you certainly don't need a step mum figure on top.
Totally agree with Bunni too, do what makes you happy Cora.