Relationship Thread V4

The day Chris is with someone new seems like a life time away for him right now, but I will be here to hear all about it. :capnscotty:

Well I have now removed her from everything including my life insurance and death in service. I have filed for divorce, which is £550 I don't really have, but I want her out of my life as soon as possible. I have never felt so betrayed in my life, I only moved out two weeks ago, we only separated in March and even then it was left as let's get to know each other again with space from each other. But about a month before moving out things changed, I guess that's when she met this new guy.

Corazon de Leon

Christopher wrote:
Victor Mildew wrote:
suzzopher wrote:Found out that the wife is strawberry floating somebody else, so that's nice

There's a surprise

Not that it's any consolation, but I'd imagine in most cases where a marriage breaks down from that side instigating, someone else is involved.

You alright? Remember that's her doing, not yours. If she's after cheap thrills then it'll soon wear off. See OS and the Brandon situation.

Yeah I know, but no I am not alright I didn't think I could feel more gooseberry fool than I did, but now I feel lower than I ever have

Sorry Chris mate. You know where we are if you need us, as always.

lets dust off this old tome, found it back in the archives

snakes with tits

It's tough, especially if you have kids but would also reiterate the importance of removing as much social ties to the ex. Remove them from as much Social media as possible.

Been through a couple of really tough breakups myself, the sort where you feel sick and don't eat and cannot think of anything else. The important thing to remember is that things will get better. This is only temporary. It's ok to be sad and feel gooseberry fool. It will pass, unfortunatly just takes some time.

There will be a point in the future when you are happily with someone else and this will all be a distant memory that you will be able to joke/talk about without feeling like gooseberry fool.

Victor Mildew wrote:If you've not done so already, now is the time to remove and block from social media, because she'll be all over it trying to convince herself what a great choice she's made.

After I move out that weekend, I see her on Facebook, on our holiday, loved up with some guy, who I then realise is this postman. I defriend her, she notices and then has a go at ME for doing so. I replied with "I don't need to see you rubbing this in my face".

This is bloody awful. If I've broken up with someone, the LAST thing I do is plaster pics of myself with someone else all over social media. For ages! It's even caused arguments with new partners - 'You're ashamed of me!' No, I'm just considering my ex's feelings.

My ex, who I was with for 5 years, and engaged with for 2, posted pictures of herself with her new fella less than a month after breaking up with me. She was pregnant 4 months later.

The Cherry on top, was that her new fella worked in the building opposite my work, and he would then drive her car to work and park it outside the front.

The car I bought her the Previous Christmas.

I've heard he's a nice guy but always found that a really dick thing to do. Something I reckon I would have avoided if I was in his situation.

This was 4 years ago, and I've been happily living with my GF for the past 2 years. whilst I feel a little sad it ended that way, I feel no strong emotion for the ex or the situation, when I know at the time I was sickened.

Sorry to hear you've been through it Albear.

Thanks for the words guys, I can't believe this person I spent 15 years with, good and bad, had two children with can just bin it off so quickly. At least I am in the hate zone now.

This is awful.

I just hope she wasn't at it with this new fella before you separated.

Christopher wrote:Sorry to hear you've been through it Albear.

Thanks for the words guys, I can't believe this person I spent 15 years with, good and bad, had two children with can just bin it off so quickly. At least I am in the hate zone now.

I don't know how the strawberry float anyone can do this and think it's normal.

Out of a 15 year relationship? LOL NEW YEAR ME xxx I couldn't even begin to think about anyone else for years last time.

The common theme here is social media. Get shot of it.

It's funny the things people will excuse themselves for when they paint the other person as 'the bad guy'

Fade wrote:It's funny the things people will excuse themselves for when they paint the other person as 'the bad guy'

I was absolutely gooseberry fool from a certain point of view and yes I contributed to breakdown of our marriage, but I was always willing to try again and terms that could have set out, believe me I know my problems and I know I wasn't always the best husband.

I would have walked through fire to make her happy and that wasn't enough. I just hoped that given time and space we could have tried to see how we felt about each other again. I don't think you can easily throw away 15 years.

Drumstick wrote:This is awful.

I just hope she wasn't at it with this new fella before you separated.

Yeah I am starting think that her change a month before me moving out from "maybe this could save our marriage" to "nope, thank strawberry float you're leaving" is probably a sign she had started something prior to me moving out.

As I thought this was just a separation and not the final nail in the coffin, I wouldn't have moved on until that door was completely closed, mostly for the sake of my children. My 8 year old is really struggling and asked me that if he never gets another birthday or Christmas present again for the rest of his life could mummy and daddy get back together.

Igor wrote:How do you explain to your girlfriend that sex has gotten boring and unarousing when you know a conversation on that subject will be impossible? I'm venting below, not really sure what to do.

We've been together for almost six years and this has been going on for a while. It's always the same; we get into bed, she lies down facing away from me, she wiggles her arse against me a few times and expects an instant erection and then I basically just move her through various positions.

She doesn't like talking about sex, or what she likes. We have some toys but they'd stay in the box unopened if I never got them out. We might sometimes watch porn together but I pick it and she'll never talk about what she's in to. I made the mistake a month or two ago of suggesting we try and be a bit 'sexier' but my phrasing was off and she ended up being massively offended, assuming I don't and never have thought she was sexy. I apologised, pleaded with her to understand that I don't think she's 'not sexy', I just want us to be a bit more energetic, a bit more aware that we're in a sexual relationship. Long story short, it fell on deaf ears. If I asked her now, her take away from that conversation would still be that I just don't find her sexy.

The other night, she was apparently in the mood. I know this because I felt that faint wiggle against me again and to be honest, I couldn't be bothered. I'm 31, not 17. I don't pop a boner when I feel a light breeze anymore. It just feels like she believes that she only needs to demonstrate her willingness for me to have sex with her and I'll be good to go.

Last night, I'm a bit more willing. Starts the same; she's facing away from me, awkwardly reaching behind her to grab at my cock. I decide to actually do something and take control. Take my time, paying attention to her, going down on her and then suddenly 'okay, you can have sex with me now'. I'm not ready to go yet myself, so I make it clear like 'okay cool, but can I get some foreplay first as well?'.

Less than a minute of what was essentially tickling my lower abdomen, very little attention on my cock and balls before she says 'looks like it's not gonna happen' and then it stops.

That was it. Today she's telling me we should talk about why I'm not into sex. I say 'okay, let's turn this around. Let's say you were sucking my cock for ten minutes and I was well into it. I stop you and say okay, you can ride me now but you're not ready. I spend about 45 seconds rubbing the area roughly surrounding your genitals and then when you're not suddenly soaking wet I say 'huh, guess you're not into it' and stop'.

'Well I think you're just not into sex, are you sure there's not something else going on?'

I ended the conversation there, she's now gone out, and I've just received a message asking me to think about what I want from this relationship and the future and I just can't be bothered to have that talk. She's my best friend in every way and it hurts to know that she not only thinks I don't find her sexually arousing but that any conversation to try and fix that will only end up making things worse.

Reading through this, it doesn't sound like you have a boring sex problem, per se. Sounds more like you have a communication problem, largely due to the fact that she doesn't really seem interested in fully understanding your feelings and point of view.

The fact you feel like you don't want to even try and make her understand because it will likely lead to more problems/arguments is a big red flag. You shouldn't be worried about talking to your partner about thisstuff because there's a chance they'll fly off the handle - that's not normal.

I rate this stuff as very serious. If I were in your shoes Igor I'd try and make her understand how big a deal that we can talk openly and freely without judgement or egos is. I want a partner who wants to know what's going on with me and listens when I try and explain it. If that's not possible or I'm not getting that I'd think seriously about leaving, to be honest.

Also there's probably some inner self-worth stuff going on with your partner, related to her not wanting to ever talk about sex and also taking it personally that you're "not into sex". I'm of the opinion that everyone would benefit from some counselling/therapy but that's probably not feasible, etc.

Christopher wrote:I was absolutely gooseberry fool from a certain point of view and yes I contributed to breakdown of our marriage, but I was always willing to try again and terms that could have set out, believe me I know my problems and I know I wasn't always the best husband.

I would have walked through fire to make her happy and that wasn't enough. I just hoped that given time and space we could have tried to see how we felt about each other again. I don't think you can easily throw away 15 years.

From what you've alluded to in posts regarding going through marriage counselling, it very much sounded like the efforts to reconcile and rebuild were entirely coming from your side (of course we are only hearing this from your end). It doesn't make it an easier pill to swallow, but she likely had come to her decision a while back and had already dealt with, accepted and moved on from the grieving stage while you were still actively working to save the marriage. It's happened to me (and many others here) with breakups, where you are left wondering how they were able to move on so quickly, because in a sense they were dishonest with you about where they were at emotionally. It became clear that you still had and wanted to hold onto an emotional connection that she did not reciprocate, but it's made so much worse and more painful when you factor in both the 15 years and your kids.

Getting past the pain is something only you can do, but if there was any advice I could offer it would to strive to be the best damn Dad you can be. She's a lost cause now, but your kids still have their lives ahead of them. Let them know and feel that their Dad is always there for them, in spite of these shitty circumstances. You'll get there one day.

Prototype wrote:The day Chris is with someone new seems like a life time away for him right now, but I will be here to hear all about it.

This is also some realass truth.

Thanks mate, it all makes sense, I’ve decided to be the bigger person in this. I won’t let emotion drive me on this. I’m going to do what’s best for the kids.

I’m still going for divorce, but I won’t be making it difficult for her. Best to just get this marriage over with the kids being the focus going forward.

Just don't let 'not being difficult' become 'being taken advantage of'. But it sounds like you're doing what's best, moving on. Even if it's just in body, not mind, for now. You'll get there.

That's not a growth wrote:Just don't let 'not being difficult' become 'being taken advantage of'. But it sounds like you're doing what's best, moving on. Even if it's just in body, not mind, for now. You'll get there.

I won’t, don’t worry. I know I have to play nice to get her onside.

Unfortunately people can act very selfishly and irrationally during a divorce. It might not be possible to get her on your 'side'. It's just about things being as 'equal' as possible, with the least amount of pain.

Think of this process like a legal negotiation, everything you say and do could be used by her, and it's entirely possible for someone to try and appear friendly to manipulate you into agreeing something (like less time with your children) you don't want to.

I'm not saying I think she'll do that, but just be on the alert when you have conversations with her. It probably wouldn't be obvious at first, it'll be a 'friendly' conversation about stability for the kids or something like that.

But that's IF she were to be that kind of person. Just be very aware of what you want, then it'll be very difficult to be talked away from this. Have bullet points in your head of lines you won't cross, what ever they may be. You don't want to decide something is important to you after you've lost it.

Christ, this is coming across as quite negative, and I don't mean it that way. Just, be careful but I'm sure you'll be fine.

Relationship Thread V4

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