Relationship Thread V4

[Victor Mildew]

What is 'in the nip'?

Nude

[Dual]

Some guys get all the luck.

[Buffalo]

I say end it. You’ve posted about her being a nightmare before. I’ve lived like you’re living before and it was so emotionally draining, just sheer exhaustion all the time. It’s not worth it.

[<]:^D]

yeah even if the highs with someone like that are monumental, feeling stressed about pointless gooseberry fool like isnt worth it. your partner should be overall a source of strength in the your life, not the opposite.

[MrKirov]

Having a bit of a quandry with a girl ive started dating.

Met on Hinge about 4 weeks ago, chatted alot, really got on- escalated to multiple 2-3 hour longs phone calls, a bit of phone sex here and there- all good. She was away for two weeks of it so was nice to chat and get to know each other more before going out.

Met last Wednesday, things were as good in person- went for a couple of walks, some food, then picked up a dessert to go and went back to mine, where she ended up staying the night. During the middle of the date she asked if I was free on the weekend for another date. She left Thursday and said she would be seeing me tomorrow. We continued to text a lot through Thursday afternoon to the night. She came over Friday evening and stayed the night again, then we went to the beach on Saturday. When we got back, we chilled around mine until about 7-ish before going home.

On Sunday, early evening we were chatting and found neither of us were doing anything, and she mentioned not having anything in for dinner and not knowing what to cook. I offered to come to hers and cook dinner as I was about to anyway. She accepted, I went over and cooked, and we cuddled on the sofa with a movie until late and I went home.

So yeah, 5 days on the trot seeing each other, and all good positive times. My quandry is now though, a few things, ill list below;

1)I'm terrible for overthinking things- its part of my anxiety- and usually when things go well, i'm waiting for a comedown

2)Text conversation has slowed- shes gone from answering immediately, to sometimes immediately to sometimes a couple of hours - which is fine, people have lives. And weve spent so much time together recently, its going to slow down eventually- but my anxiety brain is telling me "shes puling away, its going to gooseberry fool" etc etc - She text me first yesterday in the evening, so its not as if shes ignoring me- just overanalysing stuff again

3)We discussed how shes not ready to rush into things as shes done it in the past, and I agree. We actually discussed how in a previous relationship we used to speak all the time, and I had to learn that isnt always how things work, and to text when you have something to say, and she agreed.

4)Shes not one for PDA's, at least not at first it seems, but then indoors weve been very cwtchy all throughout. On Saturday at the beach se was the one that gave me a kiss stuff in the middle of a bunch of people. After I made her dinner we watched a movie, and were cuddled up, she was stroking my arm, kissing my hand, and me etc etc, and we both opened up about family, and bad situations in the past etc.- so that refutes what my brain is now trying to tell me?

5)Im supposed to be going to Spain on Friday (but i havent decided) and when I left on Sunday, she said that she would change some plans to see me before I go, or if I wasnt, she woudnt, so she said for me to let her know what im doing, so theres nothing too concrete in place yet.

But yeah, although its early days, when i'm dating i'm fine if i'm not really that interested in someone, but when someone has my interest, my anxiety kicks in and I start overanalysing everything. So its hard to tell if its a legit tactic of "distance yourself gradually" or if its just my brain sabotaging myself. Shes texting me now actually, so I dont know what im moaning about, damn you brain.

Whats you guys thoughts- is this the telltale signs of distancing, or is my anxiety brain being a f**king d**k again?

[Dual]

Sounds like you're just winding yourself up bro. Take it easy and maybe go and see some of your mates for a change of scenery.

[Drumstick]

Advice to Kirov, courtesy of Rodney Lavoie Jr:

[Tomous]

Yeah, chill the strawberry float out. You're over-analyzing for sure.

[Prototype]

Incessant texting is NEVER going to last with ANYONE. It's just not normal.

Relax, take your time to respond. Keep things fresh and don't rush it.

[MrKirov]

I know I am, thats the thing. Its a combination of bad bad bad past relationships and anxiety. Ex left me after 10 years without a word and a left a note, 3 days in a new job, 2 months after buying a new house, and taking my cat -- then the next one I let in after that, turned out to be a gaslighting, cheating narcissist- so my anxiety flares up when things go seemingly well into a new thing, almost expecting it to fall apart, almost like a defence mechanism. Which ironically probably ruins things

And about the texting, 100%, I know that. It was like that earlier on, but thats always going to fizzle out eventually- I have no problem with it. Its just the change tends to trigger my analyzing until it becomes the "new" norm. My brain is weird

[Christopher]

I know I am, thats the thing. Its a combination of bad bad bad past relationships and anxiety. Ex left me after 10 years without a word and a left a note, 3 days in a new job, 2 months after buying a new house, and taking my cat -- then the next one I let in after that, turned out to be a gaslighting, cheating narcissist- so my anxiety flares up when things go seemingly well into a new thing, almost expecting it to fall apart, almost like a defence mechanism. Which ironically probably ruins things

And about the texting, 100%, I know that. It was like that earlier on, but thats always going to fizzle out eventually- I have no problem with it. Its just the change tends to trigger my analyzing until it becomes the "new" norm. My brain is weird

I think take a step back and reflect on the time you've had together. It sounds like she likes you and you clearly like her, but take a step back and let it happen.

[Christopher]

Well things with my new lady have progressed and improved massively.
She was due to go back to NI Saturday just gone, but instead she called and said she was driving down from Newcastle to see me (this was Saturday afternoon) as she needed to talk to me.

Turns out she moved her ferry back a day as you wanted to see me again before she left, so she drove down and told me that the thought of us being so far apart was something she didn't know how to deal with and that she had missed me a lot and all her doubt and hesitation had gone. She wants to give us a proper shot and couldn't even imagine a life without me. I was a little shocked, but very pleased as we get on so well.

Now I've got to wait until October to see her again, but at least we've agreed to have a couple of virtual date nights a week until October.

[MrKirov]

Well things with my new lady have progressed and improved massively.
She was due to go back to NI Saturday just gone, but instead she called and said she was driving down from Newcastle to see me (this was Saturday afternoon) as she needed to talk to me.

Turns out she moved her ferry back a day as you wanted to see me again before she left, so she drove down and told me that the thought of us being so far apart was something she didn't know how to deal with and that she had missed me a lot and all her doubt and hesitation had gone. She wants to give us a proper shot and couldn't even imagine a life without me. I was a little shocked, but very pleased as we get on so well.

Now I've got to wait until October to see her again, but at least we've agreed to have a couple of virtual date nights a week until October.

Thats great news bud, really chuffed for you!

In my case, we chatted a bit this morning- I told her i'd decided I wasnt going to Spain this Friday (nothing to do with her- just not felt right since i booked it) She said she has some plans this weekend assuming I would be going- but that we could meet Friday or Sunday- and just wants to firm up plans with her pal tomorrow to be sure. She said its a bonus that im now free this/next week and we dont have to worry about me isolating for a bit anymore. So yeah, seemingly positive- just left it at that, and see what happens later in the week I guess.

[blackoutHERO]

Was doing ok with the break up, but last week or so I've been awful. The intrusive thoughts, the what ifs, the fear of not finding anyone again, everything is coming at me in full force. It's gotten a bit complicated and we've been speaking again, she thinks she might have made a mistake so we're in contact and potentially meeting up when she potentially moves home in a few weeks. I just sense a severe lack of enthusiasm on her end and just unsure if I'm setting myself up for a fall again. I've been trying hard not to get sucked in, and tbh, I don't even know if it's what I want anymore after all that's happened. I want to be able to meet up face to face though so we can either see what happens, or I can get a bit of closure and finally put it behind me. Worried I could be the safety net rather than the goal. And that's not what I want. I fear that this is my chance though and the thought of starting to get to know a girl again is just exhausting.

I'm carrying on my life as I would if we weren't in touch. Still applying for jobs in places she wouldn't want to live, still putting myself out there socially, just with the possibility of meeting with her when she's back. How long has it taken some of you to get that interest in other girls back? I'm just very apathetic to the whole idea of meeting a new person and investing all that time. It's like I've resigned myself to life of loneliness when I know that's statistically not the case. Dunno, can't help but feel I could be one of those guys who never quite got over that girl but then it's still only been 4 months from a 5 year relationship.

[Rocsteady]

After a long relationship I never want to enter another for a year or two. Ignore your ex and get on tinder, get messaging a ton of randoms for casual dates and it'll take your mind off it.

[Red]

Four months is no time at all after that long. I think someone once said to me something like 'half the time you were together' which is one of those stupid rules that doesn't make any sense when you think about it, but sort of highlights that after a long relationship it doesn't always just happen in a few months, especially if you're the one who's been ditched.

[Bunni]

One month for every year you were together.

[Fade]

Unless they were crazy, in which case times that amount by 6

[Christopher]

My lady friend has now been back in NI for over a month and our time to talk is pretty gooseberry fool, we don’t get to speak until close to midnight on the days we do get to talk. We had previously agreed to a couple of virtual date nights a week, so far we’ve had none, she’s actually said this to me “during the day work is my priority, evenings and weekends are my parent’s time.” Then she’ll go on about how much she loves me and how she can’t wait to be with me again. But I don’t get how she just can’t spare a bit of time earlier in the evening for us.

The other thing is, I can’t call her when I would like to, I can’t just pick up the phone and FaceTime her on a spur of the moment. I’ve tried a few times but she didn’t answer once. She doesn’t even message to say sorry can’t talk, or call back later. So for me she’s completely unavailable.

This week her sister is over from Lyon, which is cool, I don’t even message her or try to call her whilst she’s there.

Anyway, earlier on, I sent her a message with some news, that I’d like to share with her, kinda wanted to share it with her via video call, but she didn’t see my text until late and said we’ll talk tomorrow about it. Which would be fine, but there is no guarantee she’ll call me tomorrow so I replied “ Don't say we'll talk tomorrow unless we actually we will please. I know I don't have anything else to do, but just waiting around and then not hearing from you is quite a kick in the balls.“

She replied: “In that case, we'll speak on Saturday when my sister has left.

I've made no promises to anyone this week except my sister as this is the only week I get to see her. I don't appreciate being manipulated into feeling I'm not living up to your expectations or holding up my end of the deal.”

Am I in the wrong? I honestly wasn’t trying to manipulate her, I was just trying to say don’t make me wait until midnight if you’re not going to call. Just let me know I’m not going to speak to you.

[Tafdolphin]

Is not manipulation if you're just asking her to be honest about her availability, surely?