[GAME] The Files of Detective Offerman Tapik

Kezzer wrote:make a toga out of the bed sheets.

Edit: well I guess we cant now.

Oh yes you can. :datass:

Still need to pick a room though.

The left room thats not explored

Rax wrote:The left room thats not explored

You turn the knob and open the door. Inside is an old-fashioned dining room. A long wooden table, eight chairs arranged in two rows of three and one at the head and foot. A large display cabinet filled with plates and jugs. You check the drawers but nothing of interest is found. There are ornate candlesticks on the table but they've never been lit. The curtains are drawn and the moonlight only slightly pierces the room.

You open the curtains and see a suitcase open on one of the chairs. On inspection, it's been emptied of most of its contents. There's some makeup and a few loose coins and notes, which you stash.

Only two other items are of note. One of these actually is a note: on it is scribbled "Will".

The other is an old form, which hasn't been filled out. You recognise it from its header - it's a form sent to spouses of military men and women. You remember when your ex-wife had to fill out one of those forms when you first enlisted...

This can't be Gigi's case, can it? I don't remember this being make-up she'd use... but it's been a while. Women change their make-up... don't they? But it wouldn't surprise me if this stuff was hers... I mean, if they've got photos of me and ma, it's not a stretch to think they've got Gigi's stuff too? Maybe they got the photos from her? And who the hell is Will?

You begin to read the forms. You drift away, lost in a memory...

...

...

...

It's like you're there. A flashback. You're in the service. Your clothes, your gear, are so warm, compared to the cool night air of the mansion. Your pack is stuffy and your back is sweating. You follow your comrades as they march back onto the base. You pull your face guard down, relieved to be out of the sand and hot winds at last. You toss your gear on the bench, carefully set down your weapon, and head into the mess hall. War may be hell, but a cold beer on a hot day is always heavenly. I wonder if the general is snooping around.

You just want a nice, cold drink. What's your move, soldier?

I'm going to go and inspect the mess hall for cold beers.

Drumstick wrote:I'm going to go and inspect the mess hall for cold beers.

Good move, soldier.

You make your way to the bench you know full well will lead to beers. Your good pal Private Messedge hands you one from a discreet cooler under the table. You nod, flick the cap off, take a quick look around, then take a long, cold sip.

Ahhh... bliss.

You take a second swig... and feel a slap on the back of your head. You spurt beer all over the desk and your sunglasses go flying.

"Drinking on duty, private?"

I don't even have to guess who this is, do I?

The miserable general hauls you up off the bench by your shoulder.

"Looks like it's another round of clearing out the lavs for you, Private. You know, I always knew there was something... off about you."

The general guffaws at his lousy joke. Your buds hide their bottles and you've no intention of incriminating them. You're sick of this stuck-up, pompous prick. Remember... he's not the real enemy...

...

...

...

The scene changes.

We're behind enemy lines. You're stuck behind a broken wall and taking enemy fire. Private Messedge and Private Foulder are by your side. You receive your commands from the general.

"The satellite picture says the route is clear, dammit! Tapik, you're to move directly east NOW, and that's AN ORDER!"

"That's suicide, general! Half the unit's been lost already, you're killing us if we go out there!"

"Do it now, private, or I'll kill you myself!"

You and Private Messedge lock eyes. He shrugs, bewildered, half-smirking, then darts out from behind your cover. Before you have chance to grab him, he's gone. You hear shots fired, then Messedge yelp in pain.

"You strawberry floating bastard, Gaimes-Czat! You lousy, murdering bastard! You've killed him!"

"Get out there and secure the area, private, or it's not just HIS widow I'll be pulling!"

What do you do?

I've *just* got the name pun :fp:

Run out and save PM while throwing grenades.

sawyerpip wrote:Run out and save PM while throwing grenades.

"Fouldo, cover me!"

You dash out and sprint to the next cover forward. You spot Messenge on the floor ahead of you. You lob a grenade into the enemy's general area and wait. It explodes, and you rush forward and pick up Messenge. He's been shot in the shoulder and thigh, but he's alive. You scramble back to Foulder's cover and hand him into your fellow Private's arms. Then, you pull the pins out of two more grenades, and throw them into the enemy stronghold. The three of you waste no time and make your escape.

One of the grenades clearly lands near something volatile, as upon blowing up, the entire compound begins to ignite.

Later, back at the debrief. You're stood next to Private Foulder, explaining the day's events to General Gaimes-Czat.

"You're an imbecile, Tapik. Have I ever told you that? I specifically told you to secure the area. That stronghold was vital in our plans for turning this shitstorm around. I didn't ask you to destroy the entire strawberry floating complex!"

"It was either destroy the compound or die, general."

"I'd have rather you died, private."

"And I'd have rather seen you killed today than those three good men, general."

The general turns purple with rage. He launches into a furious tirade. You can almost feel the heat of his anger... actually, you CAN feel the heat. It's getting hotter and hotter. You can smell the burning-

...

...

...

You're back in the dining room, still naked, still bloodstained. The cold night air has made way for a definite heat. You're warm and you can smell something on fire. You suddenly become very aware you're in an all-wooden house.

What do you do?

Find the source of the fire and attempt to put it out with water and/or blood.

sawyerpip wrote:Find the source of the fire and attempt to put it out with water and/or blood.

You dash into the central room and through the door of the only room you've not yet explored. It's a large, old-fashioned, traditional kitchen. No time to search for clues, though! There's a door that leads outside into the gardens we saw before. You head out and see a pile of bedroom furniture, just underneath the bedroom balcony. Whoever was here before you clearly threw everything over the edge when they were emptying the room. God knows why they did that. The furniture pile has been lit and is now ablaze. It's starting to ignite the balcony, too - if left unchecked, it won't be long until the entire hous-

BANG

Someone fires a shot at you, which hits the door behind you. You look out into the distance, and a large man in a suit, wearing a cheap grim reaper's mask, is holding a pistol in the one arm, and a woman with a swollen belly with his other.

"ANU!"

What do you do?

Ask the grim reaper if he can resurrect my horse.

Moggy wrote:Ask the grim reaper if he can resurrect my horse.

In a beautiful act of miraculous benevolence, Death has answered your prayer. Death is not fatal for Fatal, who somehow gallops out from the trees. You're delighted to see him and thank Death for his gift.

However, while you were asking, the masked man has fled into the forest with your pregnant fiance.

Your next move?

Go for a ride on my horse.

Moggy wrote:Go for a ride on my horse to chase after my lady love.

Great answer!

You gallop into the woods, through the trees, and into a clearing. Atop a fallen tree's trunk, the masked man stands, with his gun pointed at Anu's head.

"Let her go!"

"I don't take orders from you, private", says a familiar voice.

No. Not him.

The man pulls off his mask.

It can't be

"Hello, Off Tapik."

You gasp. "General Gaimes-Chat!"

"Get off! Off me! Off! Look out!", screams Anu. "It's her! It's a trick! They've set you up!"

"What are you talking about?"

The general smiles a twisted smile. "I didn't know if the case would be enough to tempt you... so I brought this little lady along for the ride as collateral. Or should I say, these little ladies."

You suddenly feel the cold steel of a long military-issue on the side of your head.

"Hello again, darling."

No need to see this one's face, I know exactly which bitch is behind me.

"Gigi, what the strawberry float is going on? What happened to the old woman?"

"Oh, you mean the lady who found the mysterious vanishing dead man?" mocks Gigi, whose voice suddenly changes: " 'Please come and take the case! I've heard you're the best in the business.' Always so gullible, Offerman."

"Why?", you demand.

"First," says Gigi coolly, "why are you wearing nothing but a blood-soaked toga?"

"I don't understand any of this. Gaimes, you absolute bastard. What are you doing with my ex-wife?"

"Oh, I've had my eye on her ever since you introduced us at that veterans' event years ago. And since you utterly failed her, in your pathetic attempt at husbandry, I've decided to give her exactly what she deserves."

You pull an exasperated face. "So just take her! I don't want her!"

"It's a set up!" screams Anu. "Your will is still made out to her, so Gaimes changed your pension to maximum payout and they wanted to kill you!£

"Wait... so you lured me here with a fake case then tried to burn the house down with me inside?"

"That's pretty much the gist of it", says Gigi.

"But why burn down a mansion for a private's military pension?"

"Oh, the house isn't ours. It's a commercial house of horrors. We rented it from an old couple in Barrenside", explains the general. "Not that any of that matters to you, because you're about to die. Time for a send-off. Hah!"

The situation seems hopeless. The general's gun poised at Anu, Gigi's gun trained on you. You're still aback Fatal, in your semi-toga. What do you do?

Tell General Gaimes-Chat that you don't think TF2 was any good and call him a thundercunt

Lagamorph wrote:Tell General Gaimes-Chat that you don't think TF2 was any good and call him a thundercunt

"Hey, Gaimes, you thundercu.nt! Team Fortress 2 was a steaming pile of Fatal's gooseberry fool!"

GGC descends from composed evil to furious meltdown in a matter of seconds.

As he loses his head, and storms towards you, enraged, he unthinkingly releases Anouska. He approaches Fatal, who rears up, and kicks him square in the face.

Horrified, the would-be Mrs GGGC forgets herself, and sprints over to her fallen lover. It's clear that the general has been killed instantly. She has no chance to verbalise how distraught she is, though, because Anu has swiftly grabbed Gaimes' pistol, and shoots your ex-wife right between the eyes from point-blank range.

You've no time for a quip, though, or any emotion for your former lover - because the fire has spread to the forest and threatens to encircle you. "Quick, get on!" you shriek, and your fiance, now remembering her pregnant state, struggles to join you atop Fatal.

She manages it, though, and grips you tightly as Fatal speeds out from the forest and to the relative safety of the old house.

Upon returning to the flaming house, you steer Fatal round to the front, and see the fire service tackling the blaze. The police are also there, in force, having heard gunshots. Also among the throng is another familiar face...

It can't be!

"Ma?"

Your mother struggles to hold back tears as you approach her. From nowhere, she embraces you, sobbing. This is new! After a while, she lets you go, and smiles at you. You can't help but smile back.

"What are you doing here?"

"I work here!", she tells you. "My new boyfriend and I run this estate for the owners. Well, we used to. Going to have to find something new now!"

"Your new boyfriend?"

"Well, not that new. We rent the place out for groups as a haunted house. Sometimes we stay over and spook them. I pretend to be a ghost, and he's got a great big scar across his face. Makes him great as a monster."

"Scar Joe...

"

...

...

...

Months pass. The house is rebuilt. You marry Anouska in a lavish ceremony in the new house. But that's... wait for it... Anu Tapik...

Congratulations to the following players, who all won:

Moggy
Lagamorph
Kezzer
Errkal
Rax
Karl
Drumstick
sawyerpip
Ironhide
PsychicSykes

And just think, you did most of it in the nude. :datass:

Thanks for playing!

ダン。 wrote:But that's... wait for it... Anu Tapik...

this is all this game was for... wasn't it.

First few pages were great. Trailed off a bit but good effort nonetheless.

[GAME] The Files of Detective Offerman Tapik

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